Ellen Degeneres

Because Lindsay Lohan is allergic to being somewhat fucking responsible, she missed her flight to L.A. and had to skip her appearance on Ellen yesterday. So Ellen needed someone to fill in for that freckled tornado of dumb and they asked Paris Jackson of all people. Paris Jackson was on there to promote being Paris Jackson, I guess, because she mostly just talked about her father, her life with her father and her life now. I think I've said this before, but Paris Jackson seems very normal and well-adjusted, which is surprising since she comes from one of America's first families of crazy. Maybe Auntie La Toya gave her some priceless advice by telling her to let the crazy simmer for a while and then let it explode when she turns 17.

Here's what Paris had to say about feeling stupid while wearing those disguises and other things:

On those masks: "Yeah, I'm like, 'This is stupid; why am I wearing a mask?' But I kind of realized the older I got, like, he only tried to protect us and he'd explain that to us, too."

On leaving homeschool for a regular school: "I love it. It's definitely a different experience. ... I do have like a regular childhood. I mean, I'm treated the same. When I came to Buckley (her school) they didn't know who I was. I was like, 'Yes, I have a chance to be normal.' "

On how Michael Jackson talk her how to act: "We would do improv together. He would give us little scenarios. He would (say), 'OK, in this scene you're going to cry' and I'd cry on the spot."

On the most memorable thing he ever said to her: "He said, 'If I die tomorrow always remember what I told you.' I took his advice and I remembered everything he told me."

See. Kind of normal. Not once did she talk about how Auntie La Toya drags her to Bubbles' sanctuary and makes her act out scenes from the "Leave Me Alone" video to relive the glory of the old days. Maybe Paris is saving that for the tell-all. Speaking of, it sort of pisses me off when children of celebrities go on talk shows to talk about their lives as celebrity children. Save those stories for the tell-all! You're not supposed to give everything away for free. Haven't we learned anything from Christina Crawford? Put it all in a tell-all and then maybe Faye Dunaway will play your parent in the movie. If Suri starts giving interviews to Diane Sawyer before her tell-all comes out, I'll never forgive her.

via People

No. That headline is joking (no, it's not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher's dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he's wearing. But I wouldn't say you were lying if you said that Ashton's peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.

Acting out the beginning of the classic joke "a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room," Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!

via People

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

Portia de Rossi (aka forever Mandy Rogers of Horsham to me) must be seriously in love, OR SOMETHING, with Ellen Degeneres, because how did she let her leave the 5-star hotel looking like Larry David starring in a remake of Cocoon in the Wilford Brimley role? If you really love someone, you'd gently pull that hat off their head and slap their face with it before sticking that entire outfit in the in-sink-erator.

Here's more of Portia and Ellen doing rich people stuff in St. Barts over the weekend. Ugh. I'm surprised Ellen didn't go FULL FUG by carrying a dark-sided CROCS tote.

Portia de Rossi was brought into this world as Amanda Lee Rogers, but she legally glamourized her name when she was 15 and now she's switching that shit up again. TMZ reports that Portia wants to be known as Portia Lee James DeGeneres from now on and is asking the court to grant this. Portia and Ellen DeGeneres got married two years ago.

I know that Portia is changing her name for love, but I still don't understand! Why would you ever want to be known as something other than Portia de Rossi?! Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of a split bottle of wine you might find in a mini-fridge at a Radisson. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of an Italian contessa who has come to Falcon Crest to seek revenge on Melissa Agretti. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of the body wash your grandma gave you for Christmas.

Portia de Rossi is the best made up name ever! Can't Ellen change her name to Ellen de Rossi instead?

Ellen Degeneres is following Simon Cowell and his delectable fur titties through the exit door and will not return to American Idol next season. That means Ryan Gaycrest will be the lone beautiful blonde lesbian in the building. Ellen explained it like this on her site:

A couple months ago, I let FOX and the "American Idol" producers know that this didn't feel like the right fit for me. I told them I wouldn't leave them in a bind and that I would hold off on doing anything until they were able to figure out where they wanted to take the panel next. It was a difficult decision to make, but my work schedule became more than I bargained for. I also realized this season that while I love discovering, supporting and nurturing young talent, it was hard for me to judge people and sometimes hurt their feelings. I loved the experience working on "Idol" and I am very grateful for the year I had. I am a huge fan of the show and will continue to be.

Now if the producers will just lure Paula Abdul back with the promise of installing a Vicodin vending machine in her dressing room. Specifically, an easy to use Vicodin vending machine since Paula can't even use a Pez dispenser without calling the Geek Squad. Actually, fuck American Idol. Fox should just produce a reality show about Paula Abdul trying to figure out how to work a vending machine.

On American Idol's first live show Tuesday night, Ellen Degeneres made a joke that she's sitting far away from Simon Cowell because he wouldn't stop molesting her down low parts. According to TMZ's sources, Ellen and Simon might be sitting far apart because they can't stand each other. Apparently, Ellen would rather have an intimate conversation with Sarah Palin's nipples than spend alone time with Simon.

Sources say that the hate between the two first bloomed during their first week of taping after Simon showed up late and kept the other judges waiting. Shit got serious after that. The sources went on to say that Ellen refuses to respect Simon's cuntness, and isn't happy that he's so mean to the contestants. This of course fuels Simon's bitch fire.

Okay, is Ellen new here, because Simon has been a bitchy ass bitch bitch from bitch town for CENTURIES! I mean, it's in the Bible and everything. But seriously, I hope the feud gets thicker than Kara Diofuckoffalready's skull, because it would take the focus off the fact that our favorite little pill popper is no longer on the panel.

It's hard to watch that mess without Paula Abdul. It's like going to group therapy and finding out that your favorite crazy (the one who would always tell the therapist to eff off) moved or got committed.

Paula Abdul showed those idiotic American Idol producers just exactly what they're missing out at last night's DIVA Live concert. You can't put a price on this kind of potent crazy. Paula, who hosted the show, poked at Ellen Degeneres' prune box by dressing up as her and imitating her "penguin with hemorrhoids" moves to perfection. And it was nice of Kim Zolciak to lend her weekend merkin (for when Big Poppa wants a little fur on his teeth) to Paula Abdul to wear as a head wig.

Before Paula channeled her inner perky butchie, she opened the show with a medley of her greatest hits (below) and this is going to go down in lip-synch HISTORY. I don't even think Paula was moving her lips. But in her defense, her mouth was probably numb due to mixing massive amounts of Tijuana-bought Vicodin, daytime Benadryl and Pepsi Zero.

My favorite moment of the entire show is when Paula almost stumbled into the audience at the 1:14 mark. YES! Ellen could never do the pill popper stumble even if she tried.

Paula's performance could also double as a live re-creation of the Hindenburg disaster.

When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:

"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."

If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!

VIA E!

What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.

Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you: