Tila Tequila

The black cloud of woe is still fucking with the blossom in the garden of dead weeds that is MySpace. Tila Tequila lost the love of her life Casey Johnson, miscarried the baby some say she faked for attention and now TMZ is saying that she's on her way to a clinic after trying to get a date with the Grim Reaper all week.

Last Wednesday, the ambulance showed up to Tila's house after her roommate called 911 and told the operator that she was knocking on death's door all week long. Tila was falling in and out of consciousness in front of the paramedics, so she was taken to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Tila was released shortly after, but her manager called 911 last night to ask officers to check on her ass, because he had a feeling something wasn't right. The officers showed up to Tila's house and tried to see if she was okay, but she's currently in a wheelchair so she couldn't answer the door. The cops left and she's resting at home.

Radar says that Tila's health and mental problems started when a brain aneurysm almost sent her to Jesus. Tila apparently had a brain aneurysm in the middle of the night and while she was in a state of confusion, she tried to stop the head seizures by downing two whole bottles of prescription drugs. Tila threw up the pills and managed to send a strange text to a friend who immediately came over to find her convulsing on the bed. Tila was in ICU for a week and was released two Mondays ago. Radar's source had this to say about Tila's traumatic brain experience:

"She was in two hospitals for the span of a week and is still not in perfect health, so she's going to check into an outpatient program. It's sad to think she may have some permanent brain damage. She still can't fully speak properly."

Where is Daddy Spears, a pot of Velveeta grits and a 5150 from the courts when you really need all of them? Ho needs help. Then she can get better and go back to entertaining us on Ustream with her sex chair dancing moves (but she should wear a helmet next time). Oh shit, it all started with that fucking chair, right? BLAME THE CHAIR!!!

While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!

This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).

At the reception, I'm sure CoCo's camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone's! "Anniversary" while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don "Magic" Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T's son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo's mom Tina.

File this under: The shit you've got to do to sell a damn movie. The threat of spending the rest of her day covered in flea dip while her clothes burn in a chimenea in the backyard was not great enough to keep Jennifer Aniston from pushing her movie! Jen put a Frontline bracelet on her wrist and got all her shots backstage before taking part in an improv skit with professional fuckery provocateur Tila Tequila for Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. Here I was thinking that the only time I'd ever see Jennifer Aniston and Tila Tequila sitting next to each other would be at a welcome parade for the Four Horsemen.

Why couldn't this have been St. Angie Jolie instead? Angie Jo would've mistaken Tila for a destitute orphan baby little person and adopted her on the spot.

On a positive note, those ferns and Zach's beard look pretty.

When I first heard that Tila Tequila was going to perform at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois, I figured shit would get beyond real. Well, shit not only got beyond real, but shit got all over Tila Tequila. Literally. Tila Tequila tells TMZ that right went her toe hit the stage, the Juggalos allegedly* started a revolt against her by stoning her ass and launching a tidal wave of piss-marinated caca at her face.

Tila, who sent pictures of her injuries (see the pictures here) to TMZ, claims that the Juggalos wanted her DEAD!

Here's Tila's account of the Battle at Faygo:

"I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the shit out of the port-0-potty and threw shit and piss at me when I was onstage."

These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!"

The police showed up, but they wouldn't comment on what exactly went down due to HIPPA laws.

Whoever thought Tila Tequila performing for thousands of Insane Clown Posse fans was a good idea needs to ask their dealer to change their crack prescription, because they are obviously smoking the wrong shit! Tila bringing her ho show to the Gathering of the Juggalos makes about as much sense as Mel Gibson performing at a Yiddish theater. It was obviously a trap!

Although, the Juggalos do love magic all up in this bitch, so you would think they would be enchanted by Tila since she's half leprechaun and all. And where was her Tila Army when she really really needed them the most?! That's a rhetorical question.

* I say allegedly because Tila Tequila makes shit up all the time.

Famewhore Rehab was supposed to start shooting today with Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler (don't even wake your Google for that bitch) , but TMZ says that production has been put on pause because Vh1 failed to get a big name in the door.

Apparently, they tried to woo Lindsay Lohan with $1 million and her own show, but even that wreck turned it down. LiLo would rather degrade herself in a straight to pay-per-view porn move than in a reality show. Thankyouverymuch.

Sources say that Tila and Jason were the only ones who signed on, so producers have pushed production back until they can get more fame fuckers and has-beens to agree to spill their shit out to Dr. Drew.

The main problem is that Tila Tequila is in that cast. Who in their right (or even cracked out) mind would move into a house with that shady goblin? AND a house that is free of booze and the bad shit? TORTURE! That's not rehab, that's a room in Hostel. Even the Surgeon General warns bitches that if you're going to be in the presence of Tila Tequila, you better freebase something mind-altering before, during and after.

So Dr. Drew needs to drop Tila off under the bridge he found her, because he should be trying to get junkies to run away from the pipe. Not the other way around.

When Tila Tequila was announced as one of the wrecks on the next season of Celebrity Rehab, I figured she was going in just to feed her addiction to camera lenses and fakery. But Radar claims that Tila is addicted to Ambien. Specifically, Tila loves to crush up Ambien pills and snort that that shit up her lizard nostril.

The source close to Tila who is probably Tila herself told Radar, “She would base her entire day around it. She would wake up, snort Ambien, Google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep."

Tila wrote on her blog that she needs to clean up her mess for the sake of her gigantic media empire: “I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life! I MUST not be another 'LINDSAY LOHAN' where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…”

Tila is in luck, because I'm pretty sure the toilet would spit that shit back out.

You know, Ambien ain't shit. Ambien is doing all of us wrong, because it's supposed to put those annoying bitches to sleep! Instead it's keep them up and giving them a reason to act the fool. Tiger Woods can do all sorts of filthy Donkey Punch stuff and then blame it on Ambien. Tila can scoot her skid marks all over Twitter and then blame it on Ambien. Ambien needs to go an "Eat Pray Love" journey of self-discovery, so it can come back and do what it's supposed to do: Knock those bitches out!

Since Vh1 has yet to greenlight Celebrity Mental Institution, Tila Tequila will instead hump the cameras with her goblin-bred fuckery on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fact that Vh1 still gets away with calling that shit Celebrity Rehab despite the absence of both "celebrities" and actual "rehab" is beyond me. But keep fucking that chicken, Dr. Drew.

TMZ says that Tila is the first wreck to sign up to the fourth season of Celebrity Rehab. It's going to be fun watching Dr. Drew try to find a cure for Tila's addiction to being a famewhoring delusional skank slut. SPOILER ALERT: There is no cure.

Even though the show now has an A-list media mogul in its cast, there's still a chance that it will never make it to production. Apparently, nobody wants Dr. Drew's help anymore. Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen, Jenna Jameson and the creme de la crackie creme Lindsay Lohan have already turned it down.

If the show doesn't happen, can't they just lie to Tila and tell her the new season is shooting at the bottom of Eyjafjallajokull volcano? That will finally get Dr. Drew a Nobel Peace Prize. And if the show does happen, Dr. Drew needs to get Gary Busey to come back as a mentor and put him in a room with Tila dressed as a corn on the cob. Two chomps and the bitch will be gone.

I KNOW! I KNOW! You keep trying to drag me away from the animal cages, but I won't stop throwing peanut shells at them. You even rubbed my nose in the "Do Not Feed The Beasts" sign, but I didn't get the clue. You were even kind enough to wipe their wet dung off my face after they threw it at me, but I still can't stop!

I feel like if I have to suffer, you have to suffer too. It's kind of like the time (just go with it) your friend made a green caca from drinking a black raspberry Coke slushie from Burger King, and called you into the bathroom so that you could see it. It's like that. We're all standing around the toilet together. Which leads me to these pictures of Tila Tequila Worm squirming around on the floor (where she belongs) at some Maxim party in Los Angeles last night. It's fitting that bitch looks like a used tampon that fell out of the Kraken's snatch. It was a heavy flow week.

Now I know how the dude selling oranges on the corner feels when a Food 4 Less opens next to him. Tila Tequila is kicking all us hos off our corners by launching a brand new celebrity gossip blog which will be the #1 gossip site in the world!

My mother taught me to never trust an animatronic goblin, but I actually believe Tila. Tila will rule the internet. Case in point: "LET'S ALL FORGIVE CHRIS BROWN TODAY!!" Yup, it's a fucking wrap.

via Videogum

Tila Tequila briefly left her post at the bridge last night to promote her new song "I Fucked The DJ" by poppin' her pussy at the Crazy Horse strip club in the Bronx. These pictures are slowly causing me to deteriorate like School Teacher's original upper teeth in Hookers at the Point. But I did notice one curious thing in the picture above.....

What is a refined lady like this doing in a queef bubble like that:

Look at her with her hands crossed all lady-like. I bet her friends played a cruel belated April Fool's joke on her. They told her that a man who like her loves oldies, vintage Lincolns, Ava Gardner movies, macrame, and everything Little Debbie has to offer would be waiting for her at the bar at Crazy Horse. She quickly rushed from her job as an assistant office manager to meet him there. But instead of finding true love that night, she found Tila's goblin bits all up in her face.

She could only sit there speechless while witnessing Tila crash and burn into a strip pole. The poor lady never thought in her life she would watch the second coming of the Hindenburg disaster live. And her friends better not laugh at her when herp warts start to grow on her retinas. They could at least give her that. They got her into this mess!

Here's more pictures from last night. Make sure to cover your monitor with a dental dam before proceeding. If your eyeballs can only handle one picture, go with the first thumbnail. It has everything you need: troll nipple, single dollar bills, back hair and ass acne.