Goldie Hawn

If you were sitting there thinking that no Hudson is as insufferably annoying as Kate Hudson, then meet Bill Hudson the man who pushed out the sperm that was later transformed into the dwarf monster who terrorizes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. Bill, who made Kate and Oliver Hudson with Goldie Hawn and later wiped his hands of parental rights when Kurt Russell came on the scene, is releasing an ESCANDALOSO tell-all this fall without the ESCANDALOSO part. Bill is basically Michael Lohan-ing this shit by crying about how Goldie and Kurt are the ones who pushed him out, and now Kate Hudson won't even talk to him or her memaw who is dying from Alzheimer's.

Bill is whining so hard that he's making Kate seem as pleasant as a hand job from a daisy. The details about this mess from Radar:

Life in the spotlight is not without its consequences, and the Hudson family was no exception," the book's website touts. "While enjoying success as a part of the 1970s musical group The Hudson Brothers, Bill Hudson fell in love and married actress Goldie Hawn.

"After their divorce, Bill found himself in the middle of the controversial issue of parental alienation. His rights as a father to see his children were often played out in the media because Oliver and Kate became actors themselves."

Devastating secrets and salacious details of both Goldie and Kate's lives are expected to be revealed.

As RadarOnline.com was first to report, Bill accused Kate of not visiting or calling her dying grandma, who is battling Alzheimer's disease.

"Kate doesn't have to talk to me and she doesn't have to give her a dime of her millions. All I want is for her to call and say, 'Hi grandma', before it's too late," Bill said.

"I love Kate, but... She has done stuff which is just awful. She is a spoiled brat in my eyes and at the end of the day, she should meet her little sister. I should meet my grandchild and she should help her grandmother."

That shit is supposed to be salacious? Bill is just trying to shame Kate into throwing some of her Something Borrowed money into her grand mama je'e's pocket book while trying to make a check himself. Well, I guess if you can't get your daughter to give you some money, you might as well make some money off of her ass by calling her a "spoiled brat" in a tell-all book that not even dust will touch. But you know, after watching the last part of Bride Wars the other night, I'm totally on Team Asshole Bill.

The evil executioners of Hollywood need to stop punishing Goldie Hawn for the existence of Kate Hudson. It's not entirely her fault, yet they continue to kick her in the bagina bone by ruining her classics. They have already put Overboard under the guillotine, and now The Hollywood Reporter is saying that they are going after Private Benjamin.

Screenwriter Amy Talkington and producer Mark Gordon are working to bring this shit into modern day. They will also reference the wars going on in the world right now. Expect to see a zany ass version of Osama Bin Laden played by Jimmy Fallon. Or maybe Billy Goat Brad.... Hmmm....he does have the beard for it.

Anna Faris is in talks to play the title role. Well, it could be worse. They could be talking to Jessica Simpson. Oh wait.

You know, Hollywood can have Overboard and Private Benjamin. But they better not even think about putting out a remake of Death Becomes Her starring Katherine Hagel.... Fuck, I'm giving them ammunition.

If NBC wants Conan O'Brien out of the 11:35pm slot, they are going to have to move him out with a giant bulldozer (aka Jay Leno's head). In a statement released today, Conan said he refuses to contribute to the slow death of The Tonight Show by agreeing to host it at 12:05am. Conan doesn't think the show will survive if NBC moves it to tomorrow.

Basically, it sounds like Conan is waiting for NBC to admit that they would rather give oral to Jay's chin than give a ginge a chance.

Conan's letter is after the jump. The ginge had me at "People of the Earth." JUMP!

Goldie Hawn is a ho of a certain age in Hollywood whose face isn't stretched all the way to the top of her ass crack, so kadooze (in Ramona's voice) to her for that! However, I just want to stuff Goldie into a cocoa butter bottle and shake shake shake SHAKE! Goldie is looking rather tumbleweed-ish. Homegirl is parched!

Goldie and her boo for life sashayed into a gas station in California yesterday, and hopefully she was there to pick up some damn lip balm. It is your friend, Goldie. Rub if on your lips (all three of 'em), face, hair, eyeballs, nippies, taint, armpits....EVERYWHERE!