THIRSTAY

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

Kim Kardashian's dumb dumpster rat mouth said she was SHOCKED and Khloe Kardashian said she was DISGUSTED about the Casey Anthony verdict, but neither of those useless toilet tank tramps were as inappropriately eloquent with their responses as the used makeup puff in a weave known as Aubrey O'Day.

The Shameless Attention Whore Code of Non-Ethics states that when a bitch is found not guilty of allegedly murdering her 2-year-old daughter, you should respond by posting a picture of your NOT RIGHT ass in a bikini. And Aubrey O'Day did just that. You can always count on Aubrey to break the tension with her plastic titty sacks that still have Diddy's greasy fingerprints all over them. Thank you, Aubrey!

But to be fair, this is how Aubrey handles all serious news. "Shaking your tits in a bikini" is the fame whore's equivalent to "shaking my head." When China's synchronized army finally takes control of America and makes all of us their slaves, we can find relief in knowing that in a Studio City basement apartment, Aubrey O'Day is sucking in her labia while doing the "MAKING IT ABOUT ME" pose in front of her bathroom mirror.

And that melancholy howl you hear is LeAnn Rimes wailing at the top of the highest peak in Fantasia, because she didn't come up with this mess herself.

via Jezebel

As I lovingly bubble-wrap my nicknacks in preparation for my new job with the Delaware County Sheriff's Office, in Delaware, OH, let me (COINCIDENCE ONLY!) bring you the local news of a beauty queen and klassy bitch DONE WRONG!

WBNS-10TV reports that "BoobMeister" Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, lost that loving feeling while beating her husband's ass at a wedding over the weekend held at Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center.

Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman but bitch refused.

"When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.

The deputies were eventually able to restrain the loving mother and feeder of MILLIONS before carting her ass off to the pokey.

Robinette was quoted as saying she takes the charges seriously and has vowed to get help... Obviously, the policies and procedures of the Delaware Sheriff's Dept. need a little updating on what is acceptable social behavior!! Please allow me to introduce myself!!!

The coke-laced delusions of grandeur that constantly hard fuck the frontal lobes of Lindsay Lohan's brain worked up a serious sweat last night at Beauty & Essex in NYC! LiLo held court at a table of her trained head nodders and went on about how she's best friends with James Franco and will consider playing Glinda in the new Oz movie if her "best friend" is involved. HAHAHA. The shit that comes out of that crazy ho's mouth. Some ignis fatuus shit to the tenth degree.

It's sort of like if I held court at a table of no one at the Olive Garden and mouth farted about how I'm going to decorate the guest room in the charming Cape Cod beach house Anderson Cooper is going to buy for us after our wedding. I mean, I'm nuts, but I've never done that. (Note to the Olive Garden waiter side-eye-ing that sentence: You don't know what you saw! You lie! Shut your eyes! Shut your fingers! Just shut it!)

Page Six says that LiLo talked about playing Victoria Gotti even though it's not a done deal yet. LiLo then said she wants the female role in Oliver Stone's Savages and will consider playing Glinda in Oz: The Great and Powerful. LiLo kept the laughs going when she went on to say, "I'll only do the movie if I can work with [James Franco]. We're like best friends. We're hanging out later." FYI: Blake NotSoLively is in talks for both of the roles LiLo has her good eye on.

A source tells Page Six that the producers of Oz have never and will never consider LiLo for Glinda.

I would feel sorry for LiLo, but my emotions are currently occupied with other things: namely, laughing. I can totally picture White Oprah cold calling up the casting directors of high-profile projects to politely thank them for considering LiLo for the lead role, but unfortunately she's got too much on her plate at the moment: namely, coke.

The father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby, Scott Disick (the "s" is ALWAYS silent), is on the cover of Men's Fitness and somebody's fart (I won't tell, Khloe) must've clouded her vision, because this is what she had to say about it on Twitter:

I love @scottdisick's Men's Fitness cover!! He looks like James Dean!
4 hours ago via HootSuiteadfadf

This is just too easy. So I'm just going to do to Kourtney what my friends do to me when I tell them I'm going to marry Anderson Cooper one day. I'm going to purse my lips, politely nod, pat Kourtney on the head and then throw a fudge stripe cookie into the corner of the room so I can freely laugh behind her back.

Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife's best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy's literary work of lesbian realness, let's get the supposed facts about Melissa's new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).

One of Melissa's friends say that she's been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa's best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.

In a blog post titled "speak, spread walk the talk", Tammy writes that People's story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a "something in the milk ain't clean" moment when Melissa's assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:

i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn't know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out

indeed

three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that's when i felt something was up

i called her
"i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?"

one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented

Nothing says "out with the old vagina dust and in with the new" like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, "I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter." Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.

Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa's new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa's album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy's begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.

so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i'm here to clarify. well... i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven't gone just that far yet.

since april of 09? mmm.... one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.

they should have shut the bedroom door.

and once again... if we're going to have little "leaks" and such... let's make them truthful?

perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. "speak true and spread the peace" of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn't believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?

spread the peace? speak true.

and i found better friends. real friends.

and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.

......

in other words-
it's not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i'm interesting like that:
i'd rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone's secret
i guess?
i don't know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no "new couple!"
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
:)

Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn't say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I've never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy's life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they'd make together? Actually, don't imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.

And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy's blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!

(Thanks Lauren Ashley)

T.I. must report to a court room tomorrow morning to face the shit for violating his probation by getting caught with the wrong stuff and Purple Drank in Los Angeles early last month. T.I. will now glide into the court room holding a shiny gold "Captain Save-A-Ho" belt over his head. That's because T.I. talked a man off the ledge of a building in Atlanta yesterday! No, the man was not Tiny's second cousin twice removed who was paid with mobile minutes and a gas card. The man wanted to jump his way to the afterworld, but T.I. turned on his halo and put out his lifesaving hand!

TMZ says that a man threatened to jump from a building where Ryan Cameron's radio show is based. T.I. heard about it on the radio and immediately called in to Ryan Cameron to see if there was anything he could do. Ryan asked T.I. to twirl into his superhero outfit and fly on over to the station. When T.I. got there he recorded a heartfelt "DON'T DO IT" video message. After the police played the message for the man, he agreed to step down and meet T.I. in the lobby for a talk. The police are not pressing charges against the man.

I'm not saying that this was a staged stunt to show the judge that humanity will fall apart if T.I.'s thrown into a prison cell again. I'm not saying that. But I am saying that an idea has just formed in the empty liquor store we all know as White Oprah's head. Two days before Lindsay Lohan's next probation hearing, we will all read the TMZ headline: "LINDSAY LOHAN SAVES A CAT IN A TREE." Only it won't be a real cat, it will be Ali Lohan in the sexy tiger costume White Oprah used to wear during her alleged strippin' days.

If yesterday you told me I'd be posting about Iron Maiden today, I'd tell you to stick a clit in my nostril and shut up. But here I am writing about Iron Maiden. Although, this is about more than Iron Maiden, it's about booooooooze too!

Iron Maiden partied at a bar in Norway the other night and their $3275 bar tab receipt has made its way onto the internet. Who knew that Iron Maiden sucked on more slippery nipples than Gerard Butler at one of his pool parties? Not I.

So there you go, now you know what Iron Maiden drinks every night. It's also safe to say that this is exactly what Amy Wino's "happy hour for 1" receipt looks like.

Source: Reddit via TDW

The smoking toddler now has a homey to hang out with on their tricycles in front of the strip club. At a Phillies game the other day, the camera caught a little blonde boy taking a sip of beer from a bottle. You know his parents were pissed. Now who's going to blow into the breathalyzer to start the car?! That selfish drunk brat. No more Happy Hour for him for the rest of the week!

But seriously, that boy should wait a couple more years before getting into the sweet nectar. Maybe he should try walking 12 steps before he has to enter a 12 step program.

And Radar says that Child Protective Services is looking for this boy's parents. QUICK! Boy better gargle with toothpaste water before CPS knocks on his door.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Lindsay Lohan was/is an actress, singer, leggings entrepreneur, crash test dummy, chemist and the unofficial face of D.A.R.E. Now Lindsay can add "dancefloor clearer" to her long list of accomplishments!

On Wednesday night in London, Blohan was the celebrity DJ along with DJ Gareth Geno at Nokia's X6 launch party. Radar reports that Blohan's gig was a bust and she cleared the dancefloor faster than Snooki's crotch. One party ho said, "Lindsay was clearly struggling to play the set on her own and had to ask Gareth for help. She seemed like a total drunken, incoherent mess. It was really embarrassing to watch. You could tell she didn't know what she was doing. Lindsay constantly had a drink in her hand the whole time she was playing."

I guess Lindsay thinks that just because she munched on SamRo's salmon pot pie for all those years, she suddenly has what it takes to be a DJ. The saying "You are what you eat" does not ring true in this instance.

And what do people expect anyway? When you order up a Lindsay Lohan, you're going to get a giant serving of "drunk incoherent mess." That's just the way it is. My guess is that Nokia wanted to jump on the whole "grandmas as DJs" bandwagon, but they couldn't afford DJ Ruth.