Katy Perry

In news that has stabbed a bloody hole into my faith in the growing legacy of gold diggers, TMZ reports that Russell Brand won't pick up a shovel and dig into Katy Perry's mountain of millions. Russell and Katy didn't sign a prenup before they ruined their lives by getting married and so if he wanted to, he could try to wrap his wallet around half of the $44 million she made during their 14-month marriage. But Russell (read in the voice of Kandi from Real Housewives) is an independent woman, doing it for himself and doesn't want Katy's money. That burn Russell just felt in his dick, wasn't one of his genital warts popping on its own again, it was the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith kneeing him in the crotch for being such a dumb bitch!

Russell's lawyer filed final divorce papers in court yesterday and made it clear that he wants to walk away with only the money he made during their marriage. Once source put it like this: "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person)."

What is the Yiddish word for puto estúpido, because that's what Russell Brand really is. Russell has a plate of $22 million dollars in front of him and suddenly he's got a case of the nobles?! Think of all the metallic skinny jeans, suede pointy boots and bottles of Crisco's leave-in conditioner Russell could buy with all that money. But good for him for wanting to be a do-gooder and shit. Gross.

And here's a tip for Katy's lawyer. If "Russell Brand" suddenly hops into your office and declares that he suddenly wants half of EVERYTHING, make him Riverdance for 3 full minutes as confirmation that it's really him. Because there's a good chance that it's probably Heather Mills in a Jesus mask.

TMZ says that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce yesterday and not Katy Perry is because she didn't want her super-religious parents slapping her with their King James. That's a bible, not a dildo brand.

Since Katy's parents are evangelical Christians, we're told she didn't want to be the one to "officially" end the marriage by filing the docs ... since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

So are stunt weddings. Her parents' values didn't seem to concern her too much when she MARRIED his ass. Or when her first hit song was about dyking it out. Also - someone told me that (no, "someone" isn't me, I was at a Miley Cyrus show that night) at her concert she talks about giving head and her audience's average age is pretty much 12. Smurfette is riding a cherry-picker when it comes to her Christian values.

They also reportedly have had divorce on deck for a couple of weeks after realizing their marriage "just wasn't there".

They were an incongruous couple, right? She tries way to hard to be Rainbow Brite or whatever and he looks like he was born from an oil slick. People tell me he's funny? My problem is that I can't watch Get Him To The Greek to find out because Jonah Hill's in it. Jonah Hill is the worst. Both versions - depressed mastadon and neurotic Gollum. Didn't have lap band, my fat Irish ass!

This divorce story could all be a filthy lie. The real reason Russell was the one to file could be because his wife is terrible. And exhausting. Argh, the costumes, and the wigs, and the big candy props. Desperation Tour 2011.

Speaking of desperation - here's where I plug Manhunt Daily! One of the only reasons my Manhunt bosses let me come over here to help Michael K. out was because I promised to throw a plug into each of my posts. Free advertising! Unfortunately, I, err, forgot to include a few. So before they spank me (literally, it's Manhunt) and then fire me, click a link if you like dick or seeing pictures of it.

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

KatyRus / PBrand / Brandy? may be off for real. Oooh, two SNAPS in a Z formation for Russell. Katy Perry is not the only one who was spotted sans ring over the holidays. In ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER news, Russell Brand was also snapped in London without his noose wedding ring over the Christmas holiday. Can this mean there is some credibility to the post I wrote yesterday about the not-so-happy couple? Holy shit, this would mean I'm a reliable source, and is going to do irreparable damage to my rep.

TMZ reports that Russell was in the West Wing today, sporting a ring finger as bare as his wife's breasts on Sesame Street. This kind of makes me sad in a way, because if two total weirdos can't make it in this crazy world, what hope is there for the rest of us? I know Katy will find comfort in the arms of almost any man since she has that kickin body (that is until he actually talks to her, hears her "sing" or sees her in the morning) and Russell can score any chick with a crazy eye and overzealous hair fetish, but still.

The holidays are a bitch, both for those of us who are single, or just want to shank our SO's. I hope they make it, just so I can continue to throw shade at their crazy asses. Russell and Katy, you are making the "marriage is for straight people only" side look bad. I hope you are selflessly doing it for the gays.

ETA white tennies Russell? REALLY? Hipster fail. Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that's missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady's horse race scene..... That's because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some "C'mon, Dover, move your bloomin' arse shit!" at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it's never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith's face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I'd say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I'm sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here's a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

Here's Katy Perry melting the prosthetic old lady mask off of her face with the piping hot raw emotion seeping out of her pores in the music video for her new single "The One That Got Away." Bitch is giving us melodrama and theater in this one. Katy plays some rich ass old ho who sits in her fancy house thinking about how she used to make the sex with that hot piece Diego Luna back in the day. I regularly sit around in my apartment thinking about fucking Diego Luna, so I can relate to this story. But really, if you're some old millionairess who wishes Diego Luna was still around to hump on, you wouldn't sit on your bed and think about it. You'd bump off your rich husband, collect the money, go down to Mexico City and buy a Diego Luna look-alike. That's what you'd do.

On a serious note: the lesson to be learned here is never stare at a pink veil while driving. If you do, you'll accidentally drive to your death and come back as a mute ghost who Katy Perry visits from time to time. The worst part is that you'll never be able to yell at her stupid ass for keeping her veil in the car visor. Who keeps a veil in the car visor?!

Either Papa Smurf is trying to smuggle in a handful of Smurf Berries or trying to motorboat Katy Perry's chichis with his nose erection has left him with a slight case of Smurf Bulge. What kind of SUCIO behavior do you expect from a permanently topless forest daddy who doesn't have nipples to twerk so he has to get his fuck buzz from his other parts? Papa Smurf better slip on his mirror mask and start trolling The Rambles part of Smurf Village if he wants Vanity to Smurf the Smurf out of him.

And yes, a trailer for a children's movie taught me that you can make everything sound extra raunchy filthy dirty if you just slap a Smurf on it.

Here's a newly yallaw-haired Katy Perry, Neil Patrick Harris with his dude David, Alan Cumming, Brooke Shields, Hank Azaria (Who is checking for Smurf dingles before he starts Smurf tossing. See what I mean?), Sofia Vergara and Jayma Mays at last night's NYC premiere of The Smurfs.

Rebecca Black was scheduled to slip off the side of the Internet and fall into the land of lost viral stars with La Pequena (where for art thou, La Pequena?!), Golden Voice, Backinup Lady, Antoine Dodson and Spaghetti Cat, but Katy Perry has extended her 15 seconds of fame by throwing here in the video for "Last Friday Night (TGIF)." You know, because if it has Friday in the title, Rebecca Black HAS to be in it. ("Can we get to the part where Rebecca Black can only book a parking lot concert at T.G.I. Friday's?" - Jenna Rose)

This video is sort of like if The Hangover switched brains with Never Been Kissed and faces with Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. It's like "Spectacular" for kids!

I'm sure the Parents Television Council is already farting out a threatening letter to Katy claiming she's telling kids to rip off their head gears in the name of blackout sex. But how can you hate on something Kenny G and Hanson in it?

via ONTD

With all the tsunami, earthquakes and other disasters, the country of Japan decided that its people have suffered enough so they crossed Russell Brand's name off of their guest list and did not allow him into the magical land of rainbow-wrapped fuckery. Russell tried to join his wife Katy Perry in Tokyo for her world tour, but Japan wasn't having it. They told him sayo-fucking-nara and said that the closest he's ever going to get to Japan is the sushi section at Todai. The reason was because of some illegal shit Russell did ten years ago. This is what Katy Perry Tweeted last night:

I'M SO EXCITED! I'M IN MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD! #JAPAN!!! #CALIFORNIADREAMSTOUR!!!
13 hours ago

So...my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so. sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place #tokyodreamscrushed
10 hours ago

It was for priors from over 10 years ago! #mamanothappy! #don'tmessw/mahman! #uwannaplaylet'sgo #don'ttakeawomansmanfromhershe'llgetshiasty!
10 hours ago

...But of COURSE I ♥ my Japanese fans & the show #MUSTGOON no matter the daily aftershocks or husband kidnappings! #it'snotrightbutit'sokay
10 hours ago

#FREE@RUSTYROCKETS! RT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 hours ago

Russell didn't seem to upset about it in his Tweet about this mess: "Planning escape from Japanese custody. It's bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick."

But the joke is really on Japan, because Russell got into the country the next day by using Nancy McKeon's passport.

Katy Perry is about to yodel while shooting sparkler flames out of her tits all over the country, but before she can do that she has a few things she'd like to go over with concert promoters. Katy Perry's 45-page rider, snatched from The Smoking Gun, has been making the rounds and it tells us what makes Katy smile with her mouth and what makes Katy frown with her mouth. Basically, Katy loves orchids, presidential suites, egg chairs, Huggies baby wipes (insert obligatory Terrence Howard smile here), refrigerators with glass doors and freeze dried strawberry. Katy hates carnations and chatty drivers with staring problems. You can read the Cliff Note's version here, but below are the highlights.

1. While Lady Caca requests a plastic egg to recharge her ego in, Katy Perry wants two egg chairs and one footstool. IN CREAM! If cream is not available for whatever reason, then it's okay to get white and paint them with the blended skin of a cream colored employee.

2. Katy would like a fresh flower bouquet in her dressing room. You know, just throw some white and pink hydrangeas in a crystal vase filled with a few peonies, roses and orchids. But whatever you do, do not throw carnations in there. NOOOOOOO CARNATIONS! If Katy sees the glimpse of a carnation, she will run out into her prized rose garden and whack the bushes with shears while screaming at the top of her everything. Then the show will be canceled and thousands of young fans will shrivel into dead carnation petals. So don't do it! By the way, in my rider, I'd request a bouquet of Anderson Cooper's dirty panties. NO DIRTY SHEPARD SMITH PANTIES. Only Anderson Cooper!

3. Katy will only rest her face on a pillow in 5-star presidential suite. If only a 4-star vice-presidential suite is available, then you better stop reading this and start building a 5-star presidential suite.

4. Katy's manager has the right to withhold the sale of a block of tickets. Katy's manager can then sell those block of tickets to a reseller and pocket the profits.

5. Lastly, Katy has 23 rules for her driver, which includes keeping his cell phone ringer turned off, no talking to her or her fans, no staring at her through the rear-view mirror, no asking for autographs and no leaving the driver's seat unless asked.

About the driver thing... Most people I know roll their eyes and huff out a breath of annoyance whenever a cab driver starts spilling out his life story and shit to them. Sometimes I'm like that, but then I think about all the good stories I've heard from cab drivers.

Like this one time, I was coming back from the airport after the worst flight ever and the only thing my ears wanted to do was sleep. I did not want to hear words coming out of anybody. And of course, when you want something, the opposite happens. The cab driver started talking and talking and talking... Just as I was about to lose it, he told me about how he thinks his wife is down low dicking his neighbor. He thought this, because the neighbor's dog had a thing for his wife's crotch. The dog would always greet her by sniffing on her goods. He believed that while she was fucking the neighbor, her vagina fumes made their way into the dog's nostrils and it now craved the scent. Dude actually said, "The dog is on my side." That story brought me back to life.

To think, if I gave him a rider with a "no talking" rule on it, he would've punched me out, left me on the curb and I would've never heard about the Joey Greco of dogs.