One of Katy Perry's goals in life, next to shooting everything found in a grocer's fridge section out of her tits, must be to hump on every mega man skank on the CDC's most wanted list. Because Katy has gone from riding on Russell Brand to taking a ride on John Mayer's David Duke dick. Katy and John left Chateau Marmont together last night, and UsWeekly says that before every paps' lens got covered in herp sores by taking these pictures, they were kissing each other inside the hotel:
Perry, 27, and Mayer, 34, had a leisurely dinner together at Chateau Marmont, an observer tells Us Weekly. And the date, the witness adds, was definitely romantic, with the "Teenage Dream" singer and Mayer "holding hands across the table," sneaking kisses, and laughing.
Katy and John have apparently been bumping nipples for almost two months now. So, Katy's douchedar is still broken and she's obviously still into the kind of dude who looks like he's got 3 out of 5 basic food groups stuck to the bottom of his peen. Hopefully, Katy grabbed that plastic bag floating through the wind and wrapped it around John's peen several times before she got on that shit.
And if the Anne Shirley of hussies Taylor Swift has hit it and wrote a song about it, you should stay away from it.
No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.
This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:
1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million
Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.
Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.
Avengers Assemble (or whatever they say in that shit)! The Avengers should bring a few extra shields (and a few whipped cream-less sundaes) this time, because I bet they didn't know that Loki can shoot whipped cream from her tits!
I didn't watch the Billboard Music Awards last night, because I try to keep my holy Sundays Bieber and Chris Brown-free. And because I was too busy watching (CELEBRITY APPRENTICE SPOILER ALERT, AVERT EYES NOW) Clay Gayken get robbed on Donald Trump's Double Hour of Has-Been Foolery. Jabba the Trump is not only the asshole of all assholes, but he's a total Clay-ophobe too. When Arsenio was named as the winner, I immediately gained 100 pounds, slipped on a pair of mom jeans (paired with a "Clay Shakes My Ovaries" t-shirt made with Puffy Paint) and knocked the 50 fat cats from my lap to take to the Claymate message boards on Yahoo! to declare my outrage over that shit while sharing recipes for the perfect creamed cake stew to drown my feelings with. I became an instant Claymate! Don't worry, I exorcised the Claymate out of me by not spooning with my homemade Gayken doll during the night. I'm good now.
Anyway, so last night I didn't watch Katy Perry sing her new song "Wide Awake" on a set made from leftover pieces and projections from Smashing Pumpkins' "Tonight, Tonight" video. But Pink and her husband Carey Hart watched it and he accused Katy of copy + pasting his wife's Grammys performance. When I watched Katy awkwardly swing around up there while trying to sing, I didn't see Pink's performance, but I did see shades of this:
At least Mary Johanson has an excuse for not walking around on the stage, but Katy Perry doesn't! I kept waiting for Denise Richards and a Jesus on wheels to dance across the stage in front of Katy. If only.
Here's Katy wearing Miss Yugoslavia 1984's pageant dress while posing with her grandma on the white carpet.
Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line....
That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?
The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.
Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.
Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!
Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.
But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):
I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.
The next time you catch your piece cheating on you with his tramp co-worker at his office (???), drive to the nearest gas station bathroom, angrily chop your long wig into a short wig Billie Jean-style, bind your titties down Brandon Teena-style, join the Marines and dance under a flag right after you burn his "take me back" letter to you. That'll show his ass. You can thank Katy Perry's G.I. Jane wannabe video for that tip. And I think I might've liked this better when it was called Major Movie Star.
"Oh, that's just Kween Karl sucking the blood from his human's penis vein" is a line Kunty Karl's neighbors use often when their friends ask what that "trout slurping up a spaghetti noodle" sound coming from the next apartment is. Karl has been slowly siphoning the youth out of 22-year-old Baptiste Giabiconi with a titanium Chanel tube for at least 2 years and I've never seen him as the sharing type. You haven't felt the burn from a fiery glare until you've sung "pass the coochie to the left hand side..." to Kunty Karl as he dabs his lips with a white lace hanky after nibbling on Baptiste's muse mussy. So that's why this story from The Sun is about as suspect as everything that comes out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth.
A source tells The Sun that while Katy Perry was in Paris for Fashion Week, she spent a little time whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Karl's muse. While Katy was still married to hobo Jesus Russell Brand, Baptiste told his friends that he'd love nothing more than to get her to divorce her husband so he could marry her. So when Katy went to the Chanel show, Baptiste saw his chance and took her to dinner. The source says that Katy and Baptiste were with friends, but they acted like they were covered in a heart-shaped bubble and weren't the least bit terrified about the possibility of an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness for eating food (gross) and for trying to steal his huMAN! The source put it like this:
"They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting."
We all know how this movie ends. Baptiste and Katy are going to marry in Romania, but after Karl starts terrorizing all of Baptiste's friends, Baptiste comes back to him and realizes they were soulmates in a past life and begs Karl to become his maker. As Karl starts to transform Baptiste into a vampire, Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread (garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire's kryptonite) at him. There's a struggle! There's lightning! There's a theme song by Annie Lennox! There's COSTUMES! COSTUMES! There's boob hair! There's blood in the form of red silk imported from a small village in China! Karl will curse Katy!
And when all is said and cursed, Karl and Baptiste will be wrapped in each other's arms while Katy looks down to find that her Chanel couture gown has become rags from a designer discount store in Jersey. Katy's skin will never feel the touch of next season couture again. This is how it's going to go, because at the end of Dracula, Keanu Reeves was totally wearing some shit from Daffy's.
So Katy better step off unless she wants to spend the rest of her life wearing ten seasons ago Ralph Lauren! Moral of the story: Don't fuck with Kunty Karl.
In news that has stabbed a bloody hole into my faith in the growing legacy of gold diggers, TMZ reports that Russell Brand won't pick up a shovel and dig into Katy Perry's mountain of millions. Russell and Katy didn't sign a prenup before they ruined their lives by getting married and so if he wanted to, he could try to wrap his wallet around half of the $44 million she made during their 14-month marriage. But Russell (read in the voice of Kandi from Real Housewives) is an independent woman, doing it for himself and doesn't want Katy's money. That burn Russell just felt in his dick, wasn't one of his genital warts popping on its own again, it was the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith kneeing him in the crotch for being such a dumb bitch!
Russell's lawyer filed final divorce papers in court yesterday and made it clear that he wants to walk away with only the money he made during their marriage. Once source put it like this: "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person)."
What is the Yiddish word for puto estúpido, because that's what Russell Brand really is. Russell has a plate of $22 million dollars in front of him and suddenly he's got a case of the nobles?! Think of all the metallic skinny jeans, suede pointy boots and bottles of Crisco's leave-in conditioner Russell could buy with all that money. But good for him for wanting to be a do-gooder and shit. Gross.
And here's a tip for Katy's lawyer. If "Russell Brand" suddenly hops into your office and declares that he suddenly wants half of EVERYTHING, make him Riverdance for 3 full minutes as confirmation that it's really him. Because there's a good chance that it's probably Heather Mills in a Jesus mask.