This Is Our Future
So you know that girl in the pink from Rebecca Black's Friday video who got turned into an according playing GIF? No? Well, just keep shaking your head (the same way you do whenever Rebecca Black's name comes up) when I tell your ass that her name is Benni Cinkle (which sounds like the name of a joint ailment) and she's got a new song where she auto-tune yodels about plastic bags flying in the wind over a 90s techno beat from the Ultra Nate soundboard.
Just like every damn pop star before her, Benni Cinkle's message is that if you're a gay teen, a fat teen in a vest, a teen cutter, a knocked up teen, a teen who can't dance, a bulimic teen or a teen with a dad who yells a lot, it always gets better. You know what I also hope gets better? Benni's lip gloss choices, because that color only belongs on a 4-year-old drag princess contestant on RuPaul's Junioress Drag Race (Dear LOGO, please greenlight RuPaul's Junioress Drag Race).
Remember this shit in a couple of months when I tell you, "Do you remember that teen girl barfing into a toilet in the music video by that girl in the pink from Rebecca Black's Friday video? This is her new video."
And more importantly, why did they make Benni Cinkle look like a 45-year-old at the club with first degree Christina Darling face?
11-year-old Caroline Gonzales won a "Mayor For A Day" contest for kids in her hometown of Forney, TX and her first official order of business was to name a street after her personal Jesus: JUSTIN BIEBER. That STOP sign next to Carline perfectly sums up all of our reactions to this mess.
E! News says that the town came up with the contest, because they're trying to get kids into politics and government. When Caroline was asked WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY? by the people of Forney as they packed their stuff into a U-Haul to move far far away, she said, "Because I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favorite singer?"
If that sign is a permanent thing that will forever live in Forney, then I hope it's on a street that is nothing but a stretch of desolateness full of abandoned warehouses, killed dreams and crack shanties. Because can you imagine living on Justin Bieber Way? Every time you typed in "Justin Bieber Way" in the credit card information box on a porn site you want to join, your boner would die along with your will to go on living.
On ONE positive note, at least Caroline is a kid who is doing stupid kid shit even if it's a nightmare for everybody else. If my 11-year-old self was named Mayor For A Day of Forney, my first order of business would be to change the name of my town to Horney, TX. Shit, that would still be my first order of business. I should've entered that contest.
File this under: It's way too early for this NSFWish shit. And cross file it under: Dlisted's new anthem!
If Ke$ha fell out of an Italian uterus instead of an American one, this is definitely what she would sing during her middle school talent show. Meet Italy's very own Gionny Scandal, Pedobear's very Italian pop star and a singing prostitot who definitely gets all her lyrics translations from Google. And I'm thankful that she did, because if any bitch can butcher an English translation and turn it into poetry salad, it's Google. The line "Tonight I'm feeling to make you enjoy with a blowjob/I want to feel in my throat" is so damn beautiful that I'm going to use it in the signature for all my Craigslist Casual Encounters ads.
Yes Gionny's fucked up teefs make her look like she's only given blow jobs to screwdriver drills set on high. Yes, Gionny's spoog splash dress reminds you of the time you asked your dry cleaner if they could get out a goat milk stain. Yes, the Jay Baruchel looking rapper in this ILLEGAL mess gave me the tingles for a quick minute until he wasted a whole can of whipped cream. Yes, watching this prequel to Hostel mess is about as uncomfortable as watching a homeless man lick on a Monte Carlo poster in a subway station (true story).
But you have to give Gionny some credit for making Bert's Muppet nipples hard with the way she pronounces the word "horny." Ernie's (and probably yours too) official response is:
Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl's ability to skip along the sand in heels like it's the most natural thing in the world. Suri's daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver's annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same "....the hell is this?" look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don't understand!
If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri's ankle bones are screaming "NOOOO!" the same way Tommy Girl's prostate screams "NOOOO!" when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she's going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!
Katie, on the other hand, she's just a dumbass.
You might have already put your ears back like a frightened puppy while reading about the wonderful pageant mother who uses her skills as an esthetician to wax her 8-year-old daughter's legs and inject back alley Botox into her face. Well, the mother who makes White Oprah look like June Cleaver defended herself on Good Morning America today. You know you're a new definition of gross when blond robot Lara Spencer overrides her hard drive's commands and shows disgust towards your actions.
Kerry of San Francisco should really be using needles to inject some potent commonfuckingsense directly into her skull, but instead she's using them to fill young Brittany's face with Botox she gets from a source she won't reveal. Kerry doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it since all of the other pageant moms do it too. Brittany says that the injections hurt and that she has cried during them, but she looks prettier and more beautiful afterward.
I'm pretty sure that one of the reasons for God to hit the red button on us is: "A mother Kardashian-izing her 8-year-old daughter." We're ready.
Why is that most of the pageant mothers who torture their daughters in the name of beauty need a lot of help themselves? All the money that Kerry is using to buy Botox could be used on new pair of glasses that don't look like they came from a Costco circa 1997. How about instead of drowning her daughter's childhood with Botox, she gets herself a haircut so she won't have to hide her split ends in a bun. I swear, mothers should really think about themselves more often.
Oh, how I wish I could telepathically communicate to Brittany that the next time her crazy bitch mom waves the Botox needle around, hit her with this line: "Fix your fugly face situation before trying to fix mine."
And the only good that can come from this GMA interview is that Child Protective Services will parachute in, grab Brittany and replace her with a porcelain doll since it seems that's what Kerry really wants.
The following things have visited my inbox in the past 24 hours: sperm jeans, The Breast Milk Baby Doll, Abercrombie & Fitch's padded bikini top for little girls and Jenna Rose's new music video for "O.M.G." (stands for Oh My GodcallCPSrightfuckingnow). I'm sensing an uncomfortable theme here. If you send me an email in the future, make sure to write "P.S. - Hi, FBI! Say hi to the wife and kids for me!" at the end, because they're totally watching now.
Little 12-year-old (TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!!) Jenna Rose already became a bona fide supertween sensation with her first single "My Jeans" and she's grown up really fast since we saw her a hot second ago. Jenna is dressed like Noah Cyrus' answer to the Victoria's Secret Angels and poppin' it with her friends like they're in the final audition for PedoBear's dance troupe. This "have a seat over there" mess almost makes me miss the musical stylings and wholesomeness of Rebecca Black.
This is how the world REALLY ends.
13-year-old Rebecca Black, the pop culture superstar sensation who is about to receive a restraining order from Friday, made her late-night talk show debut on Leno! Rebecca charmed Bradley Cooper, said she's donating the profits from her single to charity and told Jay that she didn't have to audition for Ark Music Factory. Well, Rebecca didn't have to audition, but a personal check her mom cut did. And guess what? It passed! Thank the auto-tune gods for that, because if it didn't we'd never get to see her perform "Fried Eggs" last night. I use the term "perform" as loosely as I use my bong.
This feels like something you might see if you walked down into the basement and caught your sister singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favorite stuffed animals. But Rebecca seems like a sweet girl and she is pretty good at mouthing lyrics into a mic. She's ALMOST as talented as Our Lady of Cheetos. Brit Brit better hold her weave, because Rebecca is coming to snatch it right off!
I'm not sure how I should feel about this landing in my inbox more than any Anderson Cooper story or picture of a cholita eyebrow. But this Asian baby drag princess working it to "Burlesque" is making Chris Hansen pick up a printed chat room transcript and head towards his hiding spot off the kitchen. Chris Hansen has some questions! And so do I, but I don't know if I want the answers. I mean, who is shooting this? Is this what would it look like if David Lynch directed an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race? Where did drag baby get that dress? Did he do his own make-up? And if so, can he do Xtina's too, because bitch needs help in that department? Lastly, can somebody please send this him a care package with a wig in it. BOY NEEDS A WIG!
P.S. - See you all in jail!
Esperanza Spalding now has a face to go with all the thousands of "DIE IN A HOLE" text messages that have been bombing her phone ever since she "took"
candy a Grammy from a baby Bieber. This is young Jonah, one of the more mature Beliebers out there, letting out a trail of tears over his teenager losing the Grammy. Esperanza Spalding! You are making the children cry! How dare you make better music than Justin Bieber! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!
Some of you might think it was wrong of Jonah's parents to record the saddest moment in his life and upload it to YouTube, but I'm all for people embarrassing their kids as soon as possible. Every parent should do it. You never know when you'll need ammunition for a future battle. Sometime in the future when Jonah is complaining about how his parents won't let him do something, they can just pull out this video and BOOM. It's over. Seeing your young self crying over the Bieber will render you mute every time.
And there's something about how Jonah keeps calling Justin "his teenager." It's like if Gollum was a child named Jonah and his "precious preeeecious" was a teenager named Justin Bieber. Lord of the.....WRONGS.
It's our future and you know what, I don't even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE's costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.
Don't you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who's simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.
Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber's new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn't the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber's balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.
And it's funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us "middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona." However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.
Here's another picture of Taylor's walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night's thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.