Fergie

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year's Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn't powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it's been a while since you've seen tits that aren't made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.

Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren't enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.

I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night's New Year's Eve premiere, but that's like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.

On the left is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun, and on the right is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun. Seriously, both of these bitches belong in the SALE section of the Yankee Candle catalog.

At Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas yesterday, Fergie Ferg proudly unveiled the wax figure she made herself by using her newly sharpened nose to chisel out her likeness from a block of melted honey candles. The belle of Hacienda Heights christened her new wax figure by grabbing onto its plastic wax tit balls for the cameras. Now Fergie knows how her doctors feels when they give her plastic wax tit balls a squeeze during a breast exam.

But seriously, I don't even know which one looks more like the real Fergie. That walking wax figure in the red dress looks more like Lacey Schwimmer with a deflated chin. This was just a bad business decision on Madame Tussauds' part. Fergie rotates and pinches her mug so often that every few months Madam Tussauds will have to hire the Holmes on Holmes crew to renovate her wax figure's face so it matches. IN THIS ECONOMY nonetheless!

During a NOT staged photo-op that was NOT set up by their publicists to prove that they are okay with each other even though it's rumored that one of them zombie humped on the other one's wife, Will Smith tried to be slick by conducting his own covert investigation to see if Skeletor truly is the ruler of Snake Mountain if you know what I mean. You know that saying from the Scientology sauna: When the hands go up, Will's eyes go down.

Judging by this picture, either Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga got camera (and Will Smith) shy and slithered to the back of his Size 2 Slim Bugle Boy Khakis, or the cracked out Mars Attack! alien is about as hung as a JLo dingle berry, because his crotch is bulge-free here. If the photographer clicked his camera two seconds after this picture was taken, he'd capture Will making a sad "I rolled out of Trey Songz's bunk for this?!" face.

Sorry, Will, Skeletor's elusive wrist dick just didn't want to be seen last night.

Here's more of Will, Skeletor and Fergie Clawful at the Dolphins game in Miami last night.

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

All the goo goo ga ga-ing gossip amongst Beliebers around the diaper genie this morning was about Bieber Degeneres kissing on Selena de Rossi right after he beat out Kanye West for the most talented singing infant award at last night's BMAs. This is not the first time that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez touched mouths in front of a camera! And this time they did it in front of his mother while Selena wore a low-budget version of Demi Moore's ho dress from Indecent Proposal! Maybe I grew up in a prude bubble, but when I was 17 I barely touched my boyfriend's hand in front of my mom. This is not how your mother is supposed to find out that your raging hormones have officially taken over.

She's supposed to find out when she walks by his bedroom door and hears the frightening sounds of slurping and the murmurs of such sweet nothings like, "No, I think it goes in that one." Then she's supposed to run to her bathroom and collapse in tears on her shaggy bath mat over realizing that the innocent baby who came out of her vagina is now cumming in his girlfriend's vaginaaaaaaah! After the rage burns off her tears, she grabs a bottle of Windex, picks the lock on her son's bedroom door with a wire hanger and sprays both of them while covering her eyes and screaming about how she doesn't want to be a young grandma! As his little girlfriend runs out of the house half-nekkid, mom lets him know that they aren't allowed to see each other again or she'll delete his Black Ops game and he'll have to start all over again.

That's how it's supposed to go. How dare Justin Bieber rob his mother of such an important moment!

Besides Justin's mom, here's who witnessed young gross love in action last night: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Fergie, Ke$ha, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!, Joe Jonas, Pedolena Gomez and Bieber with a golden dildo.

The hat that looks like two bitchy sperm fishes fighting about who gets to fertilize the egg is heading for eBay! The Original Fergie tells Oprah (in an interview airing today) that her daughter Princess Bea is donating the Philip Treacy-designed fascinator (drop the "f" and that's my fantasy bath house nickname) she wore to the Royal Wedding to charity. The Aretha Franklin hat of 2011 can be yours! From People:

"She's putting it up on eBay to auction it for UNICEF and for children in crisis," Beatrice's mother, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, announced Wednesday during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

No, UNICEF does not stand for: Urstruly Needs Immediate Cash Endorsements Forreal. And I don't think Fergie's nickname for her offshore account is "children." I think she's really donating it to charity!

In the same interview, Fergie said that she went to Thailand during the Royal Wedding, because she sad that she wasn't invited. Fergie said that she understood that her con man ways cost her an invitation, but she was still sad, "It was so difficult. Because I wanted to be there with my girls and to -- and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family."

Well, the molded vomit mess on Princess Bea's head made all of us rolls our eyes and laugh to keep from heaving, so it was just like Fergie herself was there top of her daughter's head!

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.

Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.

On Thursday, Josh Duhamel was kicked off of a plane and put in time out without his toys after he threw a tantrum and refused to turn off his stupid ass BlackBerry. Josh wasted everyone's time by holding up a flight to Kentucky for nearly 90 minutes. Yes, 90 minutes! You know what those passengers could've done with those 90 minutes instead of sitting on the tarmac waiting for flight attendants to pop an annoying bag of hemorrhoids and pry him off the plane? They could've tap danced in an airport bathroom for some pre-flight peen. They could've read every tabloid cover-to-cover in a Hudson News. They could've swallowed a few Airborne and vodka shots in the terminal bar. But no, they had to wait a douchefart's pouty party of one to be over.

Josh's rep later burped out a "He's sowwy" statement. And at the TREVOR Live Benefit in Los Angeles last night, Josh told Access Hollywood (via People) that he's learned his lesson and will turn off his BlackBerry from now on. Josh had this to say, "I've learned that it's best to always turn them off. It was not my favorite moment. I'm good. Lesson learned."

So, Josh has barely learned that sometimes it's best to listen to adults with authority who have name tags on their uniforms (name tags are important)? Gold star for him! I wonder what new and exciting lessons Josh will learn next! Maybe he'll finally learn that wiping his own ass prevents skid marks on his Underoos. Seriously, Fergie is totally over scrubbing the nasty butt rainbows out of Josh's chonies after scrubbing the piss stains out of hers. Learn this, Josh!

Here's a few pictures of Josh at the Trevor Live last night along with some pictures of Fergie looking like a real mess in London over the weekend. If The Geefle tried to swallow Janice...

Phoebe Price is an international supermodel who has toplined the most prestigious food court fashion shows in Perris and has graced the cover of a dozen fashion magazines published by a Knott's Berry Farm photo booth, so I really shouldn't question her style choices, but what in the name of the coat of many colors does she have on her truly exquisite body?!

Did a two-headed crow attack her in the head which caused her to fall and get tangled up in the backyard clothesline of a lady who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of fugly ass bedspreads? PP is a goddess molded from a mound of ground chipolte chicken, and that dress is not worthy of her beauty.

With all that being said, Chicken Cutlets was still the best dressed at last night's American Mess Awards. I mean, look at her competition:

Ke$ha - Bitch's dress looks the inside of my broke Boom Box after it chewed on and warped one of my Alice Cooper tapes. No points for those stud brows.
Nicki Minaj - Is she wearing the skeleton of one RPattz's golden unicorns? This is not a total fail since her hair is looking like a yellow & green Jello parfait.
The Smiths sans Will - Have the Smith family recently checked the batteries on their carbon monoxide detectors, because that's the only reasonable explanation for this kind of foolery.
RiRi - An extra clotty tampon comes to mind....
Taylor Swift or Kat Stacks?
Johnny Weir - His beauty is almost on par with Phoebe's so there's no shade to throw.
Will.I.Cant - Really, I can't anymore.
The dude from Train - When he performed last night, his pants sparkled like Edward Cullen's peen under a spotlight.

Actually, since I put it that way the dude from Train gets best dressed. PP is a close second!