DanRad

Doesn't it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he's not pulling pubes off his tongue, he's not messing with it:

"This is way too much information, but I don't like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it's fucking creepy,"

And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his ass because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo's armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I'm with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you're down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you're really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece's crotch.

If you walked by the front of Avery Fisher Hall in NYC last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fangirls were licking the red carpet and scooting their Muggle 'ginas like proud graduates of Toby's School of New Tricks, it's because Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint nearly melted their nipples off and drops of their DNA splattered all over the place.

NYC is currently trapped in one of Lucifer's wet butt bubbles and the Harry Potter boys were forced to cover most of their body pores in suits from Friar Tux black label collection, so they were pretty much trying to learn how to pant from all of their exposed orifices. But not Emma Watson! Even though Emma looked like a rabid raccoon trying to scurry out of a burlap sack stuck to some opera curtains, she could raise her hand and be sure! And not only was Emma one of the only ones whose body didn't feel like a dirty armpit pad at the end of the night, but she's also been drunk before! FYI:

Here's more from last night's premiere. In order: All those HP chirruns, Alan Rickman, Ugly Betty, SJP with a tiny gondolier, Seth Green with his wife, Mister Jay (wearing the carcass of a spirit animal), Joey Fat One with his family and Matthew Broderick.

You can wipe away your wet dream wish of boozing up Daniel Radcliffe and getting him to alohomora your fuck part before busting a lightning bolt sperm scar on your forehead, because it's not going to happen anytime soon. DanRad has kissed the booze bottle goodbye for now, because he says it was getting to the point where he was relying on the sweet nectar to give him a good time. And I have a feeling that Harry Potter realized that he should go back to sipping on tap water when he woke up on the dungeon floor with Griphook's ear in his Potter hole and Dobby's hung nose in his mouth. That'll do it!

DanRad tells GQ (via The Telegraph) about his vow to not become a Lohan:

"I became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person's lifestyle that really isn't suited to me.

I'm actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I'm really pleasant and I'm not fucking up totally all the time.

As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn't work for me. I do that very unsuccessfully. I'd just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There's no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that's been the realization of the past few years for me."

What DanRad lacks in leg bone length, he makes up for in maturity. I'm with him on all points. Once you've clogged the toilet at some party with your drunk barfs and retainer (true story), you've clogged them all. There comes a time in every drunk's life when you realize that working the booze bottle fantastic with your mouth at bars is just a fucking bore. I learned that a long ass time ago and glad to hear that DanRad is with me on that. Just like him, I'd just rather sit at home (with a full whiskey bottle and a fuller joint) and read (the keywords on my favorite porn website to make sure the clip I'm about to watch hits all points), or talk to somebody that makes me laugh (my dog).

Just when I was about to declare Christie Brinkley my personal goddess of the Tony Awards for showing up looking and posing like a Drop Dead Gorgeous extra, Frances McDormand took to the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a Play while wearing an ensemble that is slightly dressier than the ripped sweat shorts I'm wearing right now.

If you needed fucks to get into the Tonys last night, I'm not sure Frances would've gotten in, because she obviously didn't have any to give. Frances also saved reporters from asking her the stupid question "Who are you wearing?", because the red tag on her jean jacket already gave up that information. The look of the night. This is what your high school poli sci teacher would look like if you ran into her at the car wash on the weekend. Hair that couldn't even pick out a hairbrush from a line-up of hairbrushes.

And if wearing your mom's favorite beach outfit to a fancy awards show wasn't enough for me to fall in love with Frances all over again, she busted out her best mug shot poses backstage. If there isn't such thing as a "Best Dressed of the Tonys" list, then there needs to be so Frances can sit on top of that shit where she belongs.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's Book of Mormon Appreciation Ceremony. In order: my new style icon, DanRad, Professor Whoopi McGonagall, Judith Light, Christie Brinkley, PATSY STONE!!!, Alec Baldwin with guest, Tyne Daly with her piece, Al Pacino with guest and Ellen Barkin.

Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is going to make his Broadway debut as the pre-recorded voice of the narrator in the musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying starring Daniel Radcliffe! And in this clip, DanRad and the director gush about Mah Boo.....while I gush about Mah Boo in a totally different way. You can blame the moving image of Mah Boo talking into a thick silver peen with a NuvaRing over it (at least that's what I see anyway) for producing that visual.

I'm also announcing that Dlisted will take a slutbbatical at the end of February, because I'll be too busy humping on the speaker at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir hung up his polar bear stole and his boa made from bedazzled swan feathers for the night to slip into a Hogwarts uniform that puts the HUFF and PUFF in Hufflepuff. Harry Potter's wand will not stop spitting out the glitter once it gets a piece of this. Pee Weir Herman cast a bretha mortis spell (aka the killing these hos spell) at last night's NYC premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows, and then he gave them life again by popping a hip to pose. Everyone was slytherin' in their pants.

And those who had to clean their mess in the bathroom after laying their eyes on Johnny were: Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, DanRad, Matthew Broderick with his son and Voldemort's mistress, Joey Fatone with his daughter, Precious, Tom Felton, Ralph Fineass, Liam Neeson, The First Drunk of New York, Lourdes Leon and Darren Criss.

Grab your eye lids and pull them down if you want to stop thinking about Harry Potter aparecium-ing all over some chick after rictusempra-ing her chocha with his magic wand. Because guess what, Harry Potter does sex stuff (Chris Hansen is going to ask me to have a seat for that one). So DanRad is coming to Broadway this spring in How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and he's hoping to succeed in sexy business without really trying. Specifically, sexy business with Broadway dancers. DanRad tells Dazed & Confused (via HuffPo):

"I've been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I'm single. I said to a friend the other day, 'Dude, I'm doing a show with dancers. I've got to be single.' He was like, 'Don't sleep with anyone in your own show. That's a mistake.' It's good advice. But I'm not sure I'll stick to it."

Who knew that Harry Potter is an aspiring mega slut who hopes to get on more Broadway bagina than a pair of Capezio briefs? More like Whorey Potter.

And Whorey Potter is 21, so it's legal to think these thoughts about him (I think).

DanRad's got a new girl to run her fingers through the luscious overgrown field of follicles over his eyes and to pick him up by the waist to give him a precious peck on the lips. Apparently, the girl who is sitting next to DanRad in that picture above is his new nighttime tickle partner. The Daily Mail says that DanRad met her while filming Harry Potter. No, she's not Hagrid's long lost secret love child with Rumer Willis. Her name is Olive Uniacke and she's the 19-year-old stepdaughter of one of the producers, so she's not trying to snatch a few gold coins from DanRad's pot.

A source-type tells the Daily Mail that Olive has known DanRad BP (before pubes). They started hanging out during the filming of the first Harry Potter movie a million years ago, but the source claims they've been spending more time together recently. The source also let it be known that Olive usually doesn't go for dudes like DanRad, "She has usually gone for bad boys and Dan is quite preppy. Olive is renowned for holding some of the best house parties, really great bashes. She can be quite wild. She loves to drink champagne, particularly Moet, and she chain-smokes Camel cigarettes. She also loves to go nightclubbing.’"

This source must be a virgin pilgrim nun who marinates her ears in holy water every time she hears the word "damn," because I wouldn't use the wild label to describe a 19-year-old girl who smokes and drinks champagne. A lot of 19-year-old girls smoke and drink champagne. Shit, nowadays a lot of 9-year-olds smoke and drink champagne.

But at least the police know who to arrest when DanRad is caught drinking Andre and sucking on fags. Olive Uniacke is corrupting Harry Potter!

(Image via Splash)

While sashaying through the red carpet at tonight's National Movie Awards in London, Tommy Girl was suddenly hit with the little boy sads because he wanted to be the one wearing the stilettos instead of Stepford Katie. And it didn't stroke his mood in a good way that his face was even closer to her areolas. AND the stripes kept directing his eyes towards her Scientolocooch. It so was not Tommy's night. But maybe he perked up later in the men's room when he didn't have to stand on his tippity tippy toes to get a peek at DanRad's peen when they were pissing next to each other.

Anyways, here's more of Tommy and Katie along with Fishsticks Paltrow (who is getting shown up by her fan), Orlando Bloom, the Harry Potter kids, and Kylie Minogue.

Since thousands of penis aficionados lined up to see DanRad's crotch wand in (Guilty!!!), the producers of the upcoming Broadway revival of EquusHow To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying are going for the same approach. Apparently, they want DanRad to bare his nipples in a couple of scenes and it's got him reaching for the ab roller.

A source tells The Sun, "Daniel wants to completely re-sculpt his body and has taken Ronaldo as his inspiration. He envies his muscle definition and is hoping to get a similar six-pack for himself. Daniel is taking his fitness regime really seriously. He's stopped drinking, knocked the fags on the head and is watching every mouthful. He put on a little timber last year and is keen to get down to a more svelte shape. He's already lost nearly a stone in the past month."

"Knocked the fags on the head" is today's phrase that pays. That sounds like a naked version of Duck Duck Goose Kevin Spacey plays on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyways, DanRad does know the secret to Cristiano's abs, right? Cristiano isn't doing crunches in between slathering his body with duck sauce from Panda Express. No. Every day, Cristiano sits in front of his bathroom mirror and plucks each brow hair out with a pair of hot tweezers. The pain causes him to squeeze his ass cheeks and abs at the same time. Voila! So if DanRad wants a six-pack like Cristiano, he's going to have to sacrifice his furry caterpillar friends.