Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald's last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet 'n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.
Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn't. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie's credit card:
"I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.
I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, 'What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?'I responded simply, 'Yes. A nose job.' And I hung up."
Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi's Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi's vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the "after" pictures and say, "I want that pussy on my body!" Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor's malnourished twin sister.
Elizabeth Taylor. Icon. Goddess. My Idol. She was an ethereal beauty and a shameless hussy, marrying 8 times to 7 men (Richard Burton twice) and not giving one crumb of a fuck what anyone thought about it. Everyone knows that she drank like a fish and had the mouth of a truckstop hooker, ate men like tic tacs and had more precious gems than the Crown Jewels. In other words, she was perfection. If the things they're saying about her in a new unauthorized biography called Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame are true though, she is quite possibly the sluttiest slut that ever slutted. SWOOOOOON.
Express.co.uk has some juicy tidbits from the book, like the fact that she seduced Ronald Regan when he was 36 and she was a teenager, and tried and failed to trap Frank Sinatra into marriage by pulling a Beyonce (you know, faking a pregnancy). But that's not even close to the best part. The book says she had a threesome with JFK and Robert Stack!!! Some bitches have all the luck.
Apparently, they were all innocently hanging out at the pool, like literally nekkid ass nekkid hanging out, when they turned the pool into a steamy sauna and all felt the need to get in a heap of humps. The only way this story could be any hotter is if it were JFK Jr., and if there was a lot more ME in it. Okay, maybe I'm alone in my thinking on that last part.
And HAHAHAHAHA @ LiLo thinking she's like la Liz!!! Bitch will always be a second class ho who has to steal her own cheap ass jewelry. Keep reaching for those stars girl.
11 years ago you were screaming "Dance, Billy, dance!" at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you're screaming "Flick, Billy, flick!" at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can't see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you'll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie's handlebars ears and get some of this:
What's the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let's cut to the primal - be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what's going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
What's the best penis I've ever seen?
No! Actually, what is the best penis you've ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was "Don't fuck your publicist." Russell Crowe told me that. It's probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It's GQ!
What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I'm going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.
You do realise you've got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don't care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.
"In The Vaginal Area" really needs to be the title of Jamie's memoirs.
Jamie should've just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn't get the point that he's a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he's not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You've traded in pirouettes for pussy.
Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, "YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!" at him, then I'm so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.
But really, isn't making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That's what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady's coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s'mores on it later.
The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I've said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn't spit at it! Have some common courtesy!
Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog.
Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a "getup ready dick," but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific.
My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action.
Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing.
So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.
Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.
He must be no younger than 44.
Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.
Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
No hair gel.
No hair dryer use.
No hair dye
Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
No after shave.
Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
Has to like his mother.
Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
Has to live in own place.
I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana
Applicants can apply through my secretary at email@example.com
Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the "No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested.
I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads.
Vivica Fox was just strolling through LAX the other day when the paparazzi caught her after an accidental crotch leak. I don't know how it happened, but it happens to all of us (just nod your head "yes" for Vivica's sake). Sometimes you're so drunk and full of lazy that you can't even bothering shaking the excess out at the urinal, so you put it back in and sit down. But as soon as you sit down, it spurts out like a newly turned on garden hose and you've got a fucking tribute to Fergie on your crotch. IT HAPPENS (keep nodding). Sometimes you fall asleep on the plane, and the tricky ho next to you who is forever a 13-year-old girl at a slumber party decides to stick your hand in cup full of lukewarm water and BOOM. You've had an accident. IT HAPPENS (keep nodding, you can send me your chiropractor bill later).
Maybe it's not even piss. Maybe Vivica is on her way to the TSA checkpoint and her vagina is sweating just thinking about the stress it's about to go through. Or maybe Viv spotted a particularly luscious lace front in a store window and it put a little cream on her pie. IT HAPPENS!
And I love that Vivica just keeps on struttin' her ass even though you know her crotch is sloshing like Wellies in wet snow. Who cares Vivica! Keep struttin'!
In continuing this morning's theme of ex-husband's exposing your shit, Radar says that the horse fly named Ojani Noa, who won't stop trying to bite at JLo's dingles no matter how many times she swats him away, is baaaaack for more fun! A judge has already granted a restraining order barring Ojani from releasing intimate tapes of JLo but he's trying again. Ojani has found yet another vintage tape of JLo and wants to use it in the mockumentary about his life (aka the mockumentary nobody cares about except him). But JLo's team of lawyers have already filed papers to stop the tape from touching the public's eyes.
A rep for Ojani says that this tape was taken while the two were on vacation in Cuba. The tape not only shows JLo's double stuffed ass on a scooter, but you also get a clear shot of her cooter. That rhymes! It should be her next song. Anyway, Ojani's rep said this: "JLo is riding a scooter in public in Cuba, while talking to the camera and numerous by-standers, with her privates in as plain view as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have in the past. This is among other nudity on her part in the now 21 hours of home movies, that we have so far recovered.
In Noa's Home Videos, Lopez displays deviant behavior by consensually exposing her genital area in public, however, Noa & Meyer (Ojani's producing partner) have never ever intended to market this and the many other racy, damaging & expositive scenes from the Home Videos. It must also be stated that in Noa's Home Videos, Lopez gives her full consent to Noa taping her."
If exposing your wet parts in public is considered "deviant behavior" then the government is going to need to build bigger prisons, because we're all in trouble.
But how is putting your chocha on a display for a few seconds considered deviant? Does JLo's pussy look like a cartoon villain with a curly moustache? Does it have devil horns? Does it appear in the bathroom mirror when you flush the toilet ten times in a row in the dark? Does she have PedoBear shaved into her crotch bush?
I love how Ojani thinks JLo slipping a clit is considered "deviant behavior" but releasing video of her slipping a clit isn't deviant at all. I swear, Ojani needs to go PLUCK HIMSELF. I mean that literally, because have you seen those brows?
Asshole? Attention Whore? Avril's Bottom Bitch? Brody Jenner makes it so damn easy. Seriously, Avril Lavigne must have the shit that makes dicks howl, nutsacks go numb and toe nails fall off, because her piece Brody Jenner keeps branding himself with her initial like a 12-year-old sk8r punk circa 2003. This is vagmatization at its worst.
Brody's already got an Avril tattoo on his arm that looks like it was done using a BIC, a few matches and a rusty safety pin in a lower-security prison. And now Brody is showing off the giant A he got shaved into the side of his head. It's as if the circle on the anarchy symbol got embarrassed of what it's been turned into and bounced off that bitch.
Avril also has Brody's named tattooed on her body, so I'm thinking she got a giant B shaved into her snatch bush. Or maybe she got Brody's initial bleached into one of her ass lips? Douche love is a real thing!
Military scientists should carefully study Courtney Love's snatch, because she claims she's the real sexual napalm and has the shit to make the dicks go boom. And a good morning to you too! There's nothing like waking up with a giant image of Courtney's war zone vagina winking at you. If you're head isn't already in a pinata from your acts of Cinco de Mayo debauchery last night, then you might want to stick your head in one now. Right before you suck the last drop of Patron from the bottle.
In an interview with music journalist Toure (via Page Six), Courtney Love admitted that she's a star in the sex sack, because she's not pretty. Courtney said that beautiful women fuck like the plastic on a Fruit Roll-Up, because they can rely on their looks to bring the orgasms. Courtney went on to say, "Pretty girls just lie there. Us girls who grew up a little more homely have to try a lot harder. That's why pretty girls never threaten me -- it's like, yeah, you want to take me on? Take me on. Go for it."
When a dude finishes screwing on Courtney's dilapidated roach motel, he immediately sprints his ass into the nearest bathroom, locks the door, turns on the hot water and runs his dick under it while punching himself in the eyes with a bar of soap. Courtney lounges in the bed giving her snatch a pat for a job well done, because she thinks the dude's cries of pain are really screams of pleasure from thinking about what just happened. Delusion is a fucked up drug. Stay crazy, Courtney.
Here's Sexual Crack leaving a club in London last night.
Kathy Griffin got a poolside pap smear today to raise awareness about cervical cancer and the cameras caught all of it for her reality show My Life on the D-List. Cue her mother screaming: "Goddammit, Kathleen, the whole world doesn't need to know your goddamn cervix by face! Jeeesus Christ!"
In addition to the cervix party by the pool, Kathy also got an Edward Cullen necklace on her bikini line afterwards (I refuse to call it "vajazzling").
So if you happen to be swimming in that same pool this weekend and come across cervix lint*, you now know where it came from.
And I'm honestly surprised that Tyra Banks didn't think of this first! TyTy's vagina was made for a televised pap smear.
*I have no idea what cervix lint is.
It's almost dinner time over here, which means it's the perfect time to talk about Amy Wino's vagina. Well, unless you're planning on having burnt mackerel with mushroom and sardines cream sauce. If that's the case, well....I'm sorry.
Amy Wino has teamed up with Mooncup, the reusable silicone cunt plug (copyright: Jamie Peck), to encourage ladies to talk about their vaginas more. Mooncup launched a "Love Your Vagina" campaign and asked Wino what she calls her itchy kitty. No, Wino doesn't call her vag Blaaaaaaaaaake's Box or her EAYOR (enter at your own risk). Wino says she calls it her little "VaJew-Jew." OY VEYGINA! And you know her VaJew-Jew doesn't only eat kosher.
The rest of the entries on Mooncup's poll will make for some good before faptime reading. Some of the entries include: Floppy Harmonica, My Koppel (no relation to Ted), Scrambled Eggs Between the Legs, La Cuntessa, PawPaw and The Downtown Dining and Entertainment District (Zagat does not approve).