Balloon Boy

Last weekend, Sheriff Obvious McDuh got on his little stage and tap-danced while singing about how the Balloon Boy incident was just a big hoax. Well, what the sheriff didn't tell us was that Balloon Boy's mom let the air out just two days after we all wasted our time watching that stupid ass balloon in the sky.

According to CNN, Mayumi Heene barfed the truth out to investigators and said they had planned the whole thing for two weeks. Mayumi confessed that they did it so that the media could slobber all over them and they could get their own reality show. The sad thing is that it kind of worked. This is why the media should be run by cats. Cats would have never cared enough to fall for this shit.

While half of Colorado was searching for Falcon Heene, Mayumi said they knew that he was hiding in the attic all along. Mayumi and her husband Richard told the kids to lie to the police and to the media to keep the charade going. The Gosselins needs to send Richard and Mayumi a bundle of balloons as a thank you gift for making them look like the greatest parents who ever parented.

Sheriff Obvious already said that the Heenes would most likely be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempting to influence a public servant. Child Protective Services is also investigating the fuckery.

Richard Heene continues to deny that it was a hoax. The funny thing is that Richard and Mayumi have different lawyers. It sounds like Mayumi is ready to sell her husband out so that she doesn't have to simmer in a jail cell. Mayumi should at least give her husband a farewell care package of Prep H and a sewing kit. Richard's precious haircut is going to make him mighty popular in the clink.

And not only should cats run the media, but they should also raise Balloon Boy and his brothers.

Don't ask me why, but The Trials and Tribulations of Balloon Boy is still taking up precious media space. Because of this, the media has not left Balloon Boy's neighborhood which has given some of his neighbors a case of the angries. Take this dude for instance. Dude has had it with the media getting in his life and decided to do something about it on Sunday evening.

It ended with him throwing punches after he got tackled from behind (not in a sexy way). Somebody needs to send a carrier pigeon to these two with a message that says they are directing their anger at the wrong person. If you need to slap a bitch, slap Richard Heene. The line forms to the right.

And I can't say that I blame the bald dude. It's not easy to get your dealer to make a house call when you've got a zillion camera crews on your front lawn. I'd punch a trick too.

VIA FreddYo

At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.

Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won't be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.

Sheriff Jim said this isn't so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene's "education level is only high school ... he may be nutty, but he's not a professor." DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.

The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone's precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could've spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother's Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch's hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by "death row," I mean the guest room in the Gosselin's house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:

"Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!" - Richard Heene

VIA Jezebel

On Mah Boo 369me last night, Anderson Cooper and his homegirls discussed the barf felt around the world. Since Mah Boo has the intellect of Einstein and the instinct of Det. La Toya, he knows that the Heenes are obviously trying to wrap their UFO-loving paws around a reality show deal. Mah Boo even says that if they aren't trying to become the next reality show darlings, he will "marry Michael K in a wedding officiated by Chicken Cutlets with the Empress of Lucite as our witness and a reception catered by Spaghetti Cat." You heard him say that! HE DID!

So those Heenes need to get in front of GOD, ALLAH, BUDDHA, CHEESUS and JOAN COLLINS and swear those rumors about them whoring themselves out for a reality show are untrue. Then they all need to hide in the attic until Phoebe Price declares me as the new Mr. Mah Boo.

If you fart really loud in a crowded room, a TV executive will pitch you a reality show about it, so it's no surprise that Balloon Boy's family might get a reality show out of all this fuckery. TMZ says that the Heene family began pitching a reality show to the networks months ago. They billed themselves as a "wacky family," and approached the company who produces Wife Swap. When they got shot down there, they took their idea to TLC. TLC confirmed that the Heenes did come at them, but their show idea was turned down.

Since all the networks farted on their idea, maybe the Heenes felt they needed to pull some real shit to get noticed. The "popping a kindergarten class out of your vagina" thing has already been done, so they got creative. However, the police announced today that they completely believe that it was not a hoax and that the Heenes are telling the truth. The police also confirmed that after the balloon went up in the air, Daddy Heenes called 911 first and then called a local TV station. Daddy Heenes told the cops that he knew the local news station had a helicopter and could monitor the balloon. The police will interview the family again tomorrow after all the morning vomit has cleared.

So back to the reality show thing, I think we all should get one. ALL OF US! I mean, I should be able to turn on my TV and see you in your cubicle reading this while scratching your crotch and smelling it. You should be able to watch me pluck my nose hairs in the morning and eat microwaveable oatmeal out of a large yogurt container. Reality shows for everyone!

But if the Heenes MUST be on a reality show, they obviously need to go on Hoarders. Here's their garage:

After they are done with Hoarders. They can pay a little visit to Intervention. Their addiction? FAMEWHOOOOORING.