Ho Stroll

Here's Xtina being carefully led out of a club in West Hollywood the other night with drunk eyes and a mouth full of smeared lipstick that lets you know when she wasn't sucking on her bitch's lips, she was sucking on a bottle of hooch! As for Matthew Rutler, he's got the mark of the Illuminati on his torso and the mark of the red lipstick beast scooted all over his mouth. These two raggedy ratchet hos had themselves a mouth party for two while the entire club probably watched with eyes wide open the same way they'd watch a sloth slurp up a bowl of mashed tomatoes in slow motion.

You know that the party didn't end here either. When they got back to Xtina's palace, she had a sword fight with Matthew's peen and a dill pickle in the jacuzzi before she passed out over the side above a puddle of regret. The gardener woke her up the next morning by blowing her face with a leaf blower. Snooki must be oh so proud of Snookitina!

The Kardashians will proudly whore themselves out on every inch of real estate on the ho stroll, but at least they make sure the check is cut before doing so. And now they are passing that rule to live by down to their kin including Kourtney Kardashian's baby son Mason. You won't be seeing much of Mason's face on his family's new reality show Godzilla and Cloverfield Take Manhattan, because the cheap asses at E! refused to stick a $5,000 check into his Pampers every time he appeared in an episode. You can thank Mason's daddy Scott Dickhead for that, because he never lowered his pimp cane during negotiations with E!. A source tells UsWeekly (via Examiner):

"E! offered $1,000, but he played hardball. E! was like, 'Are you out of your mind?' " Another insider told the magazine, "He bungled negotiations, so you won't see Mason at all."

The Big Lots Patrick Bateman makes me blow a whistle and reach for a rape kit every time I stare at a picture of him, but you can't deny his baby bartering skills. Dude has actually left me in a state of surprised! You'd think that Scott would sell his son out for a bottle of chloroform and a silk paisley scarf that doubles as a thong, but he proved us wrong! Father AND Pimp of the second!

Here's Baby Mason, Kourtney and Scott arriving at LAX yesterday. You will probably receive an invoice under your door from Scott for staring at Baby Mason too long so click quickly.

Looking like he just survived a head-on collision with an American Apparel, a box of Christmas decorations and a flock of gay crows, Bobby Trendy brought his impeccable pose game to Melrose in West Hollywood over the weekend. There was even a costume change! I'm not going to say anything more since it's obvious that you want to spend as much time as possible with the satchel of rhinestones in Bobby's crotch and his dusty buns. Have fun!

There's something uncomfortably strange about seeing Lea Michele pose hard as though she's an aspiring teenage slut on MySpace (or Demi Moore). It's as if a Beagle puppy gave you fuckme eyes while licking at her nipples or if a bunny wiggled her tail at you while wearing a baby pink lace negligee. It makes you want to throw a blanket over your head as if it's bed time and you're a bird cage. It's not right and it's unnatural!

You know, I'm all for bringing out your inner dirty whore for the cameras, but DAMN! The last time I saw someone trying this hard they were pushing out a kidney stone and it was me! I can't, you can't, we all can't.

Here's a few more pictures of Lea, Dianna Agron and Cory Monteith representing ho shit in GQ Magazine (shot by Terry Richardson). Well, I should say that Lea and Dianna are representing. Cory is doing no such thing since he's fully clothed! Why isn't he in his damn panties? The nurse's office will be waiting for his written excuse.

Miss Pass Around Pussy 2010 (what I wouldn't give for that title), Rachel Uchitel, is a shameless gold digging skank tramp with no morals who would suck a load out of a meerkat's ass if The Insider filmed it....but she wants everyone to know that she isn't the trick trying to get a dime out of David Boreanaz. It's silly when us sluts try to act like we have integrity.

Rachel released a statement through her attorney Gloria Allred stating that contrary to reports she never tried to extort money out of Angel in exchange for her silence about their alleged affair.

"David Boreanaz is not part of my life, nor will he be. I am not in communication with him and do not wish to be. I have made no claims against him and do not plan to assert any. Any statements to the contrary are false and I hope that this statement will finally end any speculation about this issue. I am looking forward to a life that is not filled with scandal, rumor, innuendo or false statements about me. I will not have any further comment regarding David Boreanaz."

Rachel is in luck because she's already filled with gallons of celebrity sperm, so there's no room in there for more scandal, rumor, dignity, etc.... The NO VACANCY light is shining bright.

What Rachel really meant by her bullshit statement is that if she failed to snatch $10 million out of Tiger's paw, she would've knocked on David's door. Plan A was a success, so David was dropped from her hook.

If Vadge's "Express Yourself" video and a remake of her "Human Nature" video done by round-the-way trannies borrowed Lady Caca's prosthetic penis to fuck each other in the Showgirls costume closet, it would look just like Xtina's "Not Myself Tonight" video. Watch as Xtina thumps, bumps and sluts her way to the middle!

It's a good thing MTV doesn't play music videos anymore, because if they did they could never show this. On the other hand, Spice Xcess TV will be playing this video on a loop. So will Vanilla Gorilla. Although, he's going to watch it while blasting "Heil Hitler Marschlied."

Since Xtina is parading around like a foolish skank ho who will hump on anything but dignity....I LOVE THIS! When all else fails, do ho shit in a church. This is Pope Eggs Benedict approved!

It looks like Kiely Williams recently took a crash course at Lindsay Lohan's Night School of Excuses, because the defense she came up with for the date rape anthem "Spectacular" is some real spectacular bullshit! In case you have no idea what I'm going on about, watch the motel porn preview above or click here to get the gist. Warning: It will leave you singing "Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off" for the rest of the day. Actually, you probably sing that anyway throughout the day, so ignore the warning.

Instead of pleading the ho fifth by putting a peen on it, Kiely came up with this ridiculously hilarious shit:

"ATTENTION: I am an actor and performer. I have been so since my first role in a television pilot at five years old. I played a character when I was a Cheetah Girl. I am playing a character in the music video for the song Spectacular, as I did in the Cheetah Girl movies. Young women across the country get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. That's a fact. I recorded the song to bring attention to this frighteningly prevalent activity. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior.

Are Lady Gaga and Beyonce advocating murder with the Telephone video? Of, course not. Was Rihanna encouraging suicide with Russian Roulette? No. Was Madonna suggesting that young unmarried girls get pregnant with Papa Dont Preach? I dont think so. Is Academy Award winner Monique a proponent of incest because of her portrayal of Mary in the movie Precious. Clearly, the answer is no.

I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Please dont shoot the messenger."

HA. Is Kiely really trying to pass off this ho shit masterpiece off as a public service announcement for women's health issues?! More like a penis service announcement. Stop trying to roofie our eyes and ears, Kiely! We are well aware what's up in this video, and it's your ass. If you want to pop your pussy on the train tracks, more power to you. But don't try to pass it off as something more than popping your pussy on the train tracks.

With all that being said, we all should really thank Kiely for giving us an excuse to tell the cops when we get caught giving oral to a stranger on the street in between taking hits from a joint. "Officer, I was only sucking that stranger's weenus and smoking the devil weed to show our nation's youth that being a stoned out public slut is no life."

via ONTD

OctoMommy isn't going to be homeless anytime soon! So those of you who are related to her in any way can plug your phone back in take the "We've Moved To Tanzania" sign off your front door. Actually, if you're related to her, you should probably move to Tanzania any way, just in case.

OctoMom and her child army were in danger of being kicked out of their Den of Dirty Diapers and Delusion, because she failed to make a lump sum payment of $450,000 to the owner of the house. The owner of the house threatened to begin foreclosure proceedings if the money didn't land between his luscious cleavage by last Tuesday.

Well, Tuesday came and gone and OctoCrazy is still living in the house. TMZ says that the owner of the house has held off on putting Octo on the curb, because he has come to an agreement with her dad. Octo will continue to make monthly payments on the house while looking for a new loan. She promises to make the balloon payment of $450,000 once she secures a loan.

When Octo took her plight for cash to the ho stroll, both Vivid Entertainment and Peta offered to come to her rescue for a price. Vivid once again offered her $1 million if she spread her octopussay and took a load of baby batter to the titties in a porn movie. Thankfully, God can hold off pressing the eject button, because she turned the deal down. However, Octo did accept Peta's offer.

CNN says that Peta will pay Octo $5,000 a month to put a sign on her front yard advocating for hos to spay or neuter their pets. Peta will also provide her family with a lifetime supply of veggie burgers and dogs.

The only way this can get more psychotic is if Heather Mills was the one providing the veggie dogs. Heather Mills, Peta and OctoCrazy joining forces really does have all the makings of a terrifying horror movie. Eli Roth, get your typewriter out!

And does this mean OctoCrazy is finally going to be spayed while Bob Barker looks on with an approving look on his face?

Vh1 cold sore Daisy de la Hoya, star of Rock of Love and Daisy of Love, tells Radar that she was dating Corey Haim at the time of her death. Daisy says that the two were set up a little over a month ago by Corey Feldman.

Daisy says, "We just connected straight away, we had an automatic connection. I recognized that he was a lost soul, we had the same behavior patterns, we had a lot in common.

It's such a tragedy, he was so talented and had so much to offer. He was a sweet, caring, respectful person who just wanted to be loved. Corey was looking forward to the future, he was making plans. He had a movie coming up and he was talking about directing, I can't believe he would of done this on purpose, it had to be an accident."

E! News says that shortly after his death, Daisy went on her Twitter (it's been protected from the public by the CDC) and a left these Tweets:

"I'm sooooooo devastated right now. This is the worst day ever I can't believe this."

"Why do I always fall for the lost soul? We could of been lost together, now your lost forever.... Ill miss you."

Now I'm not saying that Daisy is riding shot gun on the milk train. I'm also not saying that she's drying her tears with a make-up puff so she's ready for her close-up when The Insider comes a knockin'. And I'm not even saying that she's going to mend her broken heart by getting new silicone implants so she's extra chichilicious for her "I'm So Sad" cover of Penthouse Magazine. I'm not saying any of that! Okay, yes I am.

For her 30th birthday last year, Jennifer Love Hewitt wet farted all over Audrey Hepburn's good memory by dressing up as a special needs Holly Golightly and posing for the paps in front of Tiffany's. Audrey hasn't stopped pirouetting in her grave since then.

Well, for her 31st birthday this year, JLove finally left Audrey alone. Instead, JLove slipped on a pair of cankle warmers, threw one of Lady CaCa's parched pubic bows on her head and posed for the paparazzi outside of her house.

You know, I'm going to leave this one alone, because if she wants to dress up like a thirsty anus for her birthday...LET HER! Although, next year she should just go all the way and dress up as an actual thirsty anus. Correct: a bedazzled thirsty anus.