Ryan Seacrest

.......Because The Hollywood Reporter says that NBC might have to order a specially-made booster seat to go on Matt Lauer's chair. Their sources say that Ryan Gaycrest is considering leaving his American Idol job, his position as the fuckery master on E! and the familiar warmth of Simon Cowell's furry tit pies to move to NYC to take over Matt's spot on Today.

Several NBC executives and Today's executive producer met with Gaycrest earlier this week to talk about filling Matt's shoes (with the help of a few pairs of rolled socks) among other things. Matt hasn't officially announced that he's quitting that bitch, but NBC wants his replacement ready when he does. Matt's contract is up in 2012 as is Gaycrest's contract with E!.

The Today Show is basically a high(ish) brow E! News with weather reports and Ann Curry's manufactured sympathy, so they might as well go all the way with this. Replace Ann with Giuliana Rancic, replace Natalie Morales with the Glam Fairy, replace Willard Scott with Snooki and replace the weather segments with reports on the Kardashians' (aka Gaycrest's Frankenwhore monsters) fart patterns. As long as they don't touch Kathie Lee Gifford and don't force her to sober up, I'm in!

Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough and his family took a casual and totally impromptu stroll through the streets of Paris this morning and acted like they weren't just up in the hotel room furiously sawing off a couple of inches from the heels of her boots so she wouldn't be taller than him in case they accidentally ran into the paps.

And then the 99 Cent Store version of Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass stopped for a second and she earned her holiday bonus by busting out a choreographed laughed just like they practiced! Only it wasn't a totally fake laugh since Julianne just thought about the time she walked in on Gaycrest rubbing his taint while watching The Soup. Gaycrest loves it when Joel McHale verbally bites at him.

The new American Idol judges have barely started filming and there's already the beginnings of a bitch fight brewing between JLo and tiny little Gaycrest. This isn't really much of a bitch fight since JLo's turds are bigger than Gaycrest. Gaycrest can easily disappear with just one quick suck from JLo's b-hole. Yup, where do you think most of the Fly Girls ended up? They effed with JLo.

A source tells InTouch Weekly that Gaycrest is actually the one who suggested JLo to the judges and he doesn't like how she's turning on the diva bitch switch around him. The source says that they are scrappin' over stupid crap like who should get top billing and who should get the better dressing room, etc... The source went on to say, “Ryan was the one who first suggested Jennifer, but now he’s starting to regret it, because she’s acting like she’s a much bigger star than he is. Ryan knows the diva behavior is likely to get worse before it gets better. Producers are trying to get them to make peace, but their egos are both pretty big.”

Both of these two cuntfarts need to get over themselves. JLo shouldn't even be allowed to host a dog howling contest let alone American Idol, so she should just collect her check with a smile and shut the hell up. And if it wasn't for American Idol, Gaycrest would never have enough cash to hire a full-time house boy whose one job is to get on all fours in the kitchen so that he can use his nekkid back to get to the cabinets.

And JLo should watch herself, because Joel McHale is not going to like this. He's supposed to be Gaycrest's arch rival and nobody else!

According to Julianne Hough, Gaycrest is not trying to pretend he's hugging a gigantic erect penis in the picture above. Julianne and Gaycrest having been sharing each other's lip gloss for a couple of months now, and recently she was overheard telling friends that she's not on payroll as his full-time beard.

While at a birthday party at Morton's Steakhouse in North Carolina the other night, 22-year-old Julianne apparently told one of her friends: "He was after me since I was 18 ... he totally wasn't my type ... I thought he was gay. After a few years, he was persistent ... so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him."

Then Julianne went on to say: "So he's not a dick gobbler, he's a barely legal hunter! Gaycrest...I mean...Straightcrest loves vagina. V-A-G-I-N-A. No, Ryan doesn't call me Derek when I pinch the Seacrest outie on his butt. No, we didn't seal our love with a signature on a contract. No, he didn't write all of this down for me. No, I am not shouting because he told me to talk loud enough for strangers to hear."

And that cackling you hear is coming from Paula Abdul. Somebody tell her to shush her lips with a Vicodin, because we all have to play along!

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

That Ryan Gaycrest is smoother than a dick poke to the taint. Page Six is saying that Simon Cowell's nipple hair braider of choice is getting closer to Julianne Hough of Dancing with the Stars. When the rumors first came up last month, Julianne quickly denied that mess, but some source is saying that things between her and Gaycrest are getting hotter than his flat iron.

The source said that Gaycrest and Julianne went out on a date last month, and went for a second one recently. You know what's going on here, right? When Gaycrest takes the TV into his dressing room's bathroom to watch DWTS in peace, Julianne is not the Hough he's finger banging himself to.

Julianne better be getting some shit out of this, because it can't be comfortable letting Gaycrest stroke your nalgas with his tongue while you're wearing a wig and a plastic muscle suit. "

In case you need for me to break it down for you, put on your Math Wiz cap and let's go:

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This is the closet Gaycrest will get to living out his wet dream of heavy petting with Derek Hough, and that makes him:

A man named Chidi Uzomah was arrested at the E! building in Los Angeles this morning after he showed up asking for Ryan Seacrest. Security recognized Chidi as a known Seacrest-stalker and immediately called the police. It was game over for Chidi after that.

Last month, Chidi was sentenced to three months probation and was ordered to stay away from Gaycrest after he pleaded guilty to attacking one of Ryan's bodyguards outside of a charity event in Orange County, CA. When Chidi was searched today, the cops found a knife on him and a personal check from Joel McHale. I made up that last up.

Maybe Chidi thinks Ryan will lead him to a big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Somebody should tell Chidi he has the wrong bitch. And Chidi's family was unavailable for comment because they were too busy bawling on the floor out of embarrassment.

Source: E! Online