The Jokes Write Themselves

Seen here looking like a 45-year-old desperate divorced mother of two trying to pick up young meat at Spring Break in Daytona Beach, FL by luring them in with her really cool (served in a chilled tumbler of sarcasm) trucker hat, the Falcor of the south LeAnn Rimes forced some of her Twitter followers to issue an AMBER ALERT for her last week, because she wasn't Tweeting every other damn second like she normally does. Some figured that maybe LeAnn's loved ones finally did the right thing by staging a bikinivention before throwing her into rehab for a level three bikini addiction, but she neighed on Twitter yesterday that she had mouth and jaw surgery.

“K, coming clean….I had minor surgery this week and I’ve been in SO much pain it’s not even funny. Nothing major just annoying! Pain pain go away!!!!!! When it’s mouth pain and jaw pain it makes your whole head pound! YUCK."

It's nice to know that LeAnn has found a way to Tweet and wear a bikini through the pain. And I'm sure as she typed "it's not even funny," Brand Glanville laughed until silicone leaked out of her nipples at the image of Malibu's finest horse doctor taking a scalpel to LeAnn's mouth. So, it is funny to some, LeAnn. And I know you were hoping that by "mouth surgery", I meant that LeAnn got her jaw wired shut, but no. I'm guessing that LeAnn just had her molars removed since she doesn't eat solid foods anyway and it'll make her lighter. WIN/WIN!

Here's more of LeAnn in Malibu yesterday, side-boobing for the paps and doing butt sex with a bottle of sun tan lotion.

via HuffPo

I'm just going to drop this off and keep on going....

When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.

"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."

via CNN

With a leased-for-the-hour child actor from central casting and a trunk full of Dollar Tree props in hand, international supermodel and Hot Slut of Every Year Phoebe Price returned to the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood yesterday to show children of all ages that with zero shame and even less dignity they too can grow up to be the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard.

As some families gourded their eyes out from not being able to stand seeing her stunning freckled beauty in the flesh, PP brought out her best Pirates of the Caribbeinbeautiful (Curse of the Freckled Oyster?) moves and comedian Patton Oswalt was one of the lucky few who got a front row seat. To say that Patton's eyes were captivated by her scarecrow chichis and his heart was captured by her strong work ethic is an understatement greater than saying that PP's complexion looks like chicken lasagna.

Patton narrated Chicken Cutlet's borderline child abuse photo shoot at the pumpkin patch so I don't have to:

Only PP can show the junior famewhores like Courtney Stodden how to really set fire to the pumpkin patch! And in doing so, PP just earned some quotes for her resume from a TV, movie and comedy star!

".....star" - Patton Oswalt

"...dew-ey....treat" - Patton Oswalt

"'sexy' pirate..." - Patton Oswalt

"I DO want to..... pet.... her" - Patton Oswalt

Do not let anybody tell you that a KFC family pack cake, 3 Subway $5 foot-longs, a half a bottle of orange juice, mayo packets, a trash can full of broken down cardboard boxes, Tracey Gold as The Grudge girl and a dining set from Ashley Furniture DOES NOT a party make. If they don't believe your ass just show them this picture of Kirk Cameron blowing to his 41 years on earth at an office birthday party whose budget was twice that than his movie Left Behind.

So what if those two ladies look like the happiness has been sucked from their beings and they would rather be 69ing a urinal or trapped in file cabinet field under fluorescent lighting. This is Kirk's big day and he's partying so hard that he's throwing up a dick. Or maybe he's sucking up an upside down dick. I know you see it. If you don't, then the power of Christ compels you to see it!

Source: Buzzfeed via The Hairpin

via Wenn.com

Sandra Rose posted these hilarious screen shots from Beyonce's appearance on Sunday Night HD last night and as she sits down for the interview the holy skin cocoon protecting the unborn golden child completely collapses. HAHA. Sandra says that ever since Beyonce pulled the ultimate STUNT QUEEN move by unveiling her bump in dramatic queen fashion at the VMAs, conspiracy theorists have been whispering on the Internet that she's faking it and Basement Baby's afro is the one carrying her baby and will give birth to it in February. I grew up thinking that Dynasty was real life, so I love scandalous shit like this, but let me throw out a few theories as to what's really going on.

1. The unborn golden child is so special that it can only grow in Beyonce's butt.
2. The unborn golden child is so special that Beyonce has to wear a protective pad to keep it safe.
3. This is just marketing for House of Dereon's new line of memory foam bumps.
4. Nicole Kidman wasn't available when Beyonce asked if she could give her private lessons on how a skilled professional wears a pillow baby to perfection.
5. This is completely natural and I have no idea what I'm talking about (as usual) since I've only been pregnant with whoopie pie babies that later became poop babies.
6. Stealyonce strikes again and stole this idea from Desperate Housewives!

And here's the video of Beyonce's bump in motion. Yeah, I didn't know J.R. Ewing became Australian either.

See, something in the amniotic fluid ain't creole! Somebody get MythBusters on the case!

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

All of John Mayer's upcoming performances and the release date for his new album have been pushed back thanks to a growth that is clinging near his vocal cords and makes him feel like tiny Jessica Simpsons in spiked heels are tap dancing out the invisible words "sexual napalm" on his throat when he tries to sing. This is just too too toooooo easy (kind of like John Mayer's dickkk), so I'll just let you read what he wrote on his Tumblr (via Vulture) about the gonor-, I mean the granuloma that won't let him yodel.

Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.

‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.

This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.

John

Well, at least now John has more time to devote to perfecting his bottom of the barrel Johnny Depp impersonation. You need more white pressed powder, John!

File this under: Riveting news is RIVETING!

Jason Sudeikis and Lindsay Lohan, seen here looking like a (don't click on that) prolapsed anus wearing expired eyeliner, were both at a party for Purple Magazine on Saturday night when one thing led to them trying to bust a nut into each other's mouth holes. A ho who witnessed this important moment in peanut history gave this first-hand account to Page Six:

“Jason and LiLo were sitting across from each other, then Jason started throwing peanuts or paper at her. Lindsay kept ducking to miss them until she decided to throw them right back at him. Then they began throwing nuts at each other trying to get it into each other’s mouths. Once finished they got up and hugged and started laughing together.”

This is the part in the post where I come clean and admit that I only posted this non-story so that I could use that naturally gorgeous picture of Blohan looking like hot death warmed over a plate of dehydrated scab skin. I also posted this so that when the Clinica Mobile nurse lets you know that you have once again contracted Chlamydia of the retinas, you can blame it on that headline.

In an interview with Style.com, the reigning fashion lord of the House of the Death Eaters continued to make his leader Voldemort's nose slits tingle by sounding off on everything from guests at the royal wedding ("the bad proportions, the ugly hats, the short skirts on fat legs") to if he ever graces the front of a TV screen with his presence ("I like if I’m on TV; watching it is not my specialty.") But his thoughts on Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly raping a maid is what really put another layer of dark soul dust on the nails of his victims stuck up into his gums. Kunty Karl basically just waved his leather glove like, "horny old rich men will be horny old rich men who happen to rape maids."

"I love DSK. I love his wife. They are great people and when they came back to Paris I sent them flowers. But you know, for people in politics, it’s very embarrassing. On the left they had hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I think other people want his job. And on the other side…but even in America, Clinton survived his blow job.

They all do it in the political world. They get horny from politics, from power. And he had unbelievable charms. He is really charming. He’s fun, he’s great. He’s a sweet guy—as long as you’re not a woman. That’s the problem."

May the ash-covered nest of insect antennas on Kunty Karl's head never find a signal that transmits reasonable thoughts to his brain, because I love it when he doesn't make any sense and continues to spew out ridiculousness. Only Kunty Karl can compare rape to getting your dick sucked in the oval office by a willing trick. And yes, DSK is just a horny ball of charms and fun. One of the first things that maid said to the police was, "Yes, he raped me, but I couldn't help it! He was so damn charming. And since I was born with a vagina, I should've known better!"

Oh, Kunty Karl. Let me kunt the ways....