The Jokes Write Themselves

The "again" in that title is hurtful to all the sauna sluts who have continually made John Travolta's hog sweat over the years. TV Guide better issue a retraction and apology ASAP!

David Archuleta, the 19-year-old Monchhichi fetus who almost won American Idol, tells Singapore's XIN MSN that he's never ever been kissed on the mouth. Two things. #1: Maybe he's never had the chance to put his mouth on another because his creepy father is always stuck on him like crabs on a Hilton. #2: Maybe he subscribes to Vivian Ward's rule that you can do everything but kiss on the mouth. You know, maybe he's a major pig slut who has done everything from scrambling internal organs with a dildo to shit that involves shaved gerbils slathered in generic Crisco (don't visualize those things or the Monchhichi Protective Services might knock on your door). Who knows, but I do know that Michael Vartan needs to get on the case!

via Wow Report

And I thought watching a video of a (have a bottle of Clorox's memory wash or a priest to perform an exorcism handy before clicking) singing bloody vagina dentata was the only thing that could make my brain burp out "QUE?" this morning, but I was wrong. Tommy Lee must be spending his early morning hours searching for sucio shit like solo whale porn, because he's seen what's going down at Sea World and it's got him feeling all kinds of disgusted. Almost as disgusted as the times his memory does him wrong by flashing pictures of him slurping on Kimbo Stewart's taint.

TMZ got a hold of a letter Tommy Lee stroked and unloaded all over the executives at Sea World. Acting on behalf of Peta, Tommy told Sea World that he thinks it's sick how they use their serial killer whale Tilikum for jizz. Tommy had to take a Silkwood Shower after seeing footage of trainers milk the whale sperm out with a cow's vagina. Um. Isn't that how Tommy masturbates too? I'll Google that. In the meantime, here's the letter:

This is why the cow jumped over the moon. To get the fuck away from whale dick! No, there's no need to cover up Bessy's eyes, because by "cow vagina" Tommy means lady whale snatch. But is Tommy trying to give Tilikum a serious case of whale blue balls? Yes, Tilikum can spit when he gives himself auto-fellatio, but he prefers a lady whale snatch. Jizzus!

But seriously, how long before the makes of the Fleshlight come out with a version for whales?

You might have already tasered your remaining brain cells last night by reading this bedtime story from TMZ, but in case you haven't it's perfect for breakfast times too! Just make sure you directly inject Four Loko into your skull before reading so you fully understand what they're saying. During the premiere of Sarah Palin's TLC reality show on Sunday night, 16-year-old Willow Palin and Bristol got into a Facebook brawl of words with two dudes they went to school with.

One dude named Tre fired the first shot when he wrote: "Sarah Palin's Alaska, is failing so hard right now." And we're off. Willow threw around the word "faggot", called another dude "so gay" and then said that everybody was just jealous of her family's success. The most surprising thing is that Willow didn't write "U loooser H8RS r just jellis!!!!1!!!". It's like I don't even know our kids today. That's where the "injecting Four Loko into my skull" part comes in.

If you really don't want to step back into a high school quad by reading the whole mess, here's a few highlights. Emphasis on "high" since it's best if you're high while reading it:

Matt: not as fat as Bristol, and not dating a dumbass prick like almond, The only program I enjoyed from your family is Nailin' Palin

Matt: Its on TLC The Last Channel I'd ever fucking watch in my life

Willow: Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are. But what I've seen pictures of, your disgusting... My sister has a kid and is still hot And don't talk shit about Andy

Willow: Tre stfu. Your such a faggot.

Matt: I'll talk shit about Andy 24/7 he's backed down before, he'll do it again. and she had that baby? By the looks of it I thought she was still pregnant, my bad

Matt: Well you know its bad when you take a picture with the situation and your the grenade.

Willow: Sorry that all you guys are jealous of my families success and you guys aren't goin to go anywhere with your lives

Yeah, I'm going to need William Shatner to dramatically recite this shit.

And I'm hoping Matt and Willow co-host a liveblog of Dancing with the Scars finale next week since Bristol's ass made it. The full fight is after the jump if you dare. JUMP!!!

Thanks to James Blunt, high school students of the world don't have to snort low-grade speed and freebase Amp to stay up all night to cram for a test on ANOTHER World War. You see, James Mustsmokealotofblunts says that he stopped World War 3 from happening by refusing to attack Russian troops while serving the British army in Kosovo!!!! Yup, someone has been taking extra bong hits while playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live.

James told the story to BBC Radio 5Live (via Digital Spy) while promoting his new album.

"I was given the direct command to overpower the 200 or so Russians who were there. The direct command [that] came in from General Wesley Clark was to overpower them. And if we had a foothold there then it would make life much easier for the NATO forces in Pristina. So there was a political reason to take hold of this. And the practical consequences of that political reason would be then aggression against the Russians."

When they asked James of he thinks taking the order would've ignited the start of WORLD WAR 3, his ass said this shit with a straight face: "Absolutely. And that's why we were querying our instruction from an American general. Fortunately, up on the radio came General Mike Jackson, whose exact words at the time were, 'I'm not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3'."

I hate to disagree with a war hero, but General Michael Jackson's exact words at the time were, "I'm not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3, EEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEE!"

And James Blunt might have stopped the world from getting bombed, but his ass went on to throw a giant bomb of destruction into our ear trenches.

George W. Bush's memoir isn't a picture book filled with doodles and scratch 'n sniff pages. I wish. If it was I'd be the first bottom (Definition of "bottom" - My kindergarten teacher's nickname for ass cheeks. Not the other thing, you dirty fuck!) on the carpet to watch Bush show us experts from his book at Barnes & Noble. No, Bush's memoir is filled with words, a lot of them. And in his book he gives a shout out to GAY FISH! Bush says that one of my favorite moments in television history was also one of the most disgusting moments in his entire presidency. Almost as disgusting as the time Laura snuck spinach into his brownies to trick him into eating more green veggies. DAMN THAT LAURA!

In an interview with Matt Lauer airing on NBC next week, Bush explains why he wasn't laughing with the rest of us when he watched Kanye West's random punchline followed by Mike Myers' "IS THIS REAL LIFE?" face and Chris Tucker's "What in the..." bulging eyes. EW reports:

“He called me a racist,” Bush tells Lauer. “And I didn’t appreciate it then. I don’t appreciate it now. It’s one thing to say, ‘I don’t appreciate the way he’s handled his business.’ It’s another thing to say, ‘This man’s a racist.’ I resent it, it’s not true.”

Lauer quotes from Bush’s new book: “Five years later I can barely write those words without feeling disgust.” Lauer adds, “You go on: ‘I faced a lot of criticism as President. I didn’t like hearing people claim that I lied about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction or cut taxes to benefit the rich. But the suggestion that I was racist because of the response to Katrina represented an all-time low.’

President Bush responds: “Yeah. I still feel that way as you read those words. I felt ‘em when I heard ‘em, felt ‘em when I wrote ‘em and I felt ‘em when I’m listening to ‘em.

Lauer: “You say you told Laura at the time it was the worst moment of your Presidency?”

Bush: “Yes. My record was strong I felt when it came to race relations and giving people a chance. And it was a disgusting moment.”

Oh, George, you're just saying that so Taylor Swift will invite you to her Thanksgiving dinner. Well played.

And I've been refreshing Kanye West's SHRINE TO GAY FISH (aka his Twitter page) to see if he's dropped any CAPS LOCK-sponsored prolific words about this and he hasn't so far. But he did type this:

I always misspell genius SMH! The irony!
about 3 hours ago via web

No comment.

Some say that Kristen Stewart has the charisma and acting skills of a KFC chicken bone that has fallen out of a trash can in an alley way and left for the mangy cats of the neighborhood to chew on. Okay the "some" might have been me after watching two Twilight movies (I deserve your judgments) and The Runaways (I deserve your judgments, the sequel). But James Woods and the director of Welcome to the Rileys disagree with that shit and think that Kirsten Stewart's gonna needs a bigger shelf for all the Oscars she's going to collect in the future.

At a screening for WTTR, James Woods, who will be directing Kristen in her next movie, compared her to Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro. If we ever need a poster child for the "Friends Don't Let Friends Talk About Kristen Stewart's Acting Skills While High On Coke Campaign", James Woods is it!

"The really great ones kind of submerge themselves. I always say that Kristen is like Brando, and I've always thought that she had that incredible sort of internal ability to submerge into the role and be lost in it in a good way. You know, so I see that with the best actors, DeNiro's like that, so many good actors are like that.

I have from the second I saw her in the Panic Room. I just thought this kid has something different. She just has something different.

She just has insight, that unique insight that certain people have. You're not getting a cookie cutter performance. You're getting something that you don't expect. You don't know where to go and you kind of take the ride. I think she has the potential to be one of the best of her generation if not the best."

Jake Scott, the director of Welcome to the Rileys, is marching right behind James Woods in the parade of love for Kristen Stewart's acting. Jake told MTV that Kristen's acting is like that Meryl Street stuff. By "stuff" he didn't mean the remnants of a Meryl Streep bowel movement. No, he meant she's got that thespian magic.

"She's grown up, you know. She's a woman now. She was a girl, or a young woman, when I first met her... I've known her three years and she's just become this wonderful woman. She's gonna do some um... I mean.. That's some Meryl Streep stuff, you know?"

First it was "Megan Fox is the next Katharine Hepburn" and now this?!

Since it's bound to be said in the next few months, let's just get it out of the way now. If we do it all at once it will hurt less. JUSTIN BIEBER IS THE NEW JOHN LENNON! WILLOW SMITH IS THE NEW TINA TURNER! NOAH CYRUS IS THE NEW MAE WEST!

Iggy Pop's brain cell is like a shriveled up contact lens that has been left out on the bathroom counter for several days, but he still has amazing ideas and has proven that he's the one who should do the casting for The Stooges biopic. That dream headline above is what Iggy Pop hopes to read one day real soon in the pages of Variety or some shit. Me fucking too.

Elijah Wood was supposed to play Iggy in a biopic directed by Jim Jarmusch, but the project has been put on the shelf to collect dust. Iggy tells Australia's Triple J radio that if it ever gets picked up again, Lindsay Lohan should play him:

"She looks like me, and she's the only one with enough attitude too. They could tape her boobs up or something. She's been in jail at the right age and everything, so I think she could do it."

Personally, I'd rather see Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace as Iggy Pop, but Lindsay Lohan is still a pretty perfect choice with a dollop of crack cream on top. And there's no need to strap down her titties since I'm pretty sure Iggy's are bigger. Unfortunately, LiLo's year is pretty much booked up with rehab stuff, post-rehab Tweets, rehab stuff again, jail stuff again, rehab stuff again, post-rehab Tweets again, repeat, etc.. etc..

In the meantime, Iggy Pop should slather himself in molten Tang to play Lindsay Lohan, Ali Lohan AND White Oprah in a Lifetime movie on the life and times of the Lohans. It needs to be done.

via Prefix Mag

Even though these pictures of egg barf all over White Oprah's front door conjured up memories of me scrubbing yolk off of the side of my mom's house after my junior high school enemies egged our shit, I still laughed. Well, it's funny picturing White Oprah opening her front door and trying to figure out if that yellow shit came from her (too many lemon drop martinis) or a Lohan hater who put their recalled eggs to good use.

White Oprah told TMZ that not only did someone egg her door, but they also launched dirt bombs at her house and pulled her mailbox out of the ground. As the Great Delusional One grabbed at her chest and said she has no idea who would ever do this to her family, a wave of guilty looks spread across the country (I'm looking at you, Fudgie, Cookiepuss, Michael Lohan, Snooki, Judge Marsha, mirror and anybody else who isn't allergic to egg shells).

But White Oprah had the last phlegmy laugh when she splashed some Worcester sauce over the door yolk and licked it up. Her hangover was cured in a quick minute. So HAHAHAHA on whoever did this! White Oprah always gets the game point.

And here's White Oprah's main ho shopping for shoes to add to her hoarder pile yesterday afternoon.

You have to give a whore hand to Katie Price, because there really are no boundaries to her hustle. Katie will slap absolutely anything on her crotch, tits or head in the name of a quick dollar (or quid, when I put on my British tongue)! Dignity can go toe fuck itself, because Katie's gotta make that money! If she comes home empty-handed, Harvey will kick her back out on the stroll.

In London today, Katie debuted her new line of iPod accessories which look like they were scooted and queefed on by Mimi. Katie sold that shit to the pubic by coming out like the Tin Man competing in a Barbarella drag contest sponsored by an unauthorized Apple reseller. Katie told the reporters: "I'm really excited about my iPod range and love the way they have turned out. Being involved in the design process was fantastic and really gave me the opportunity to develop and create exactly what I wanted. Hopefully this is just the beginning and you will be seeing more from my Boutique range."

Steve Jobs doesn't know whether to take his pants off or threaten Katie with a copyright infringement letter. Actually, he has to take off his pants anyways since I'm pretty sure he keeps all his legal form letters in his ass crack.