The Jokes Write Themselves
Nerve asked a few Juggalos and Juggalettes including Dirty Byrd (above) to give out sex advice and to also share stories of all the magic that goes on at shows. Below is Dirty Byrd's answer to the question: "What's the craziest thing you've seen at a Juggalo event?"
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something. Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Kielbasa? Was there not a bottle of Faygo around to shove up her neden hole? What kind of Juggalette is she?
The cherry on top of this fuckery is that all of this started when the lesbian sumo wrestler said to her ex-girlfriend: "Keep smiling, cunt." This will be dramatized in my dreams tonight.
(Thanks Lady Shark & Ross)
Porn star and Playboy cover ho Kim Kardassian was having lunch in Philadelphia yesterday when she could barely swallow because her pure eyes were in full view of a real-life nipple with a baby mouth attached to it. Kim was so grossed out that she Tweeted the shit above. Seconds later, the baby Tweeted: "EWW Im trying to eat and alien mongoloid next 2 me keeps staring! its making me poo".
Kim later tried to throw a baby wipe on that mess and explain her Tweet:
To be fair though, the mother noticed that a giant piece of shit was eating next to her so she figured changing her baby's diaper on the table wouldn't be a problem. TEAM DIRTY DIAPER!
Both Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke have already creamed at the mouth about how much they loved working with each other on the movie Passion Play. Well, Megan was so touched by Mickey that she honored him by getting a tattoo across her ribs.
Megan explains to MTV, "Mickey is such a beautiful, wonderful human being. He's so genuine and so sweet and so talented. I just love him to death. I kept telling him that he needs to have kids, because I think he's going to be an amazing dad. I hope he does that soon. actually got a tattoo that is sort of in honor of him. It's on my ribs. I don't know if it's been photographed yet, but it'll come out eventually, I'm sure. I just love him very much and think he's very special."
No, the tattoo is not of a popped hemorrhoid with eyes. It's the Nietzsche quote: "Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record.
But seriously, in a coffin somewhere Nietzsche's skeleton is smiling, because he was always told as a young man that one day one of his quotes would be important enough to be etched into the body of a ho who would probably be working the morning shift at a Hooters in Tennessee if Michael Bay wasn't a horny douchebag. And that day has finally come! Nietzsche, you've finally made it!
And I give Megan's tattoo 4 out of 5 Sad Lokis:
A few days ago the creatures of the forest were left shaking in fear after hearing that a new Kardashian Sasquatch might be galloping through their parts soon to eat their young and hump their trees. But they can stop leaving extra Bigfoot traps out for now, because Khloe Kardashian claims she's pregnant with a gurgling lump of lard. Not a baby.
When Entertainment Tonight asked Khloe if the Kardashian family is adding another employee to their pay roll, she bluntly said, "No, I'm just fat." Khloe's mom Kris added, "If Khloe is pregnant, I would be the first to yell it. So, no, she's not -- unless they're holding out on me, in which case they're both grounded."
And since every Kardashian needs to wrap their mouth around a mic when near one, Rob also farted out his two pieces of caca regarding his sister being knocked up, "She's not pregnant. I live with those two, and I would know if she was pregnant."
Khloe is funny. Khloe's pimp QuickTrim should really add her "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat" quote to every one of their boxes.
And that noise you just heard was every one of QuickTrim's competitors popping their load simultaneously.
Answer: He swallowed it. Soooooo...Tommy Girl is on the cover of Esquire's "How To Be A Man" issue (too. fucking. easy.), and in it he talks about everything from riding a bike to the dick cheesy shit that comes out of his mouth before he goes to bed with Stepford Katie every night. Tommy sounds borderline sane in this interview, so I'm guessing Suri and L. Ron Hubbard's hologram stayed up all night writing out his answers. Here's a few choice quotes:
Tommy Girl on how he knows how to work a pair of sequined hot pants under a disco ball: "If anyone was teasing my sisters, I really felt it... I'd create different characters and ad-lib sketches to make my sisters and my mother feel better. I'd try to make them laugh. I'd do Donald Duck as John Wayne. I'd watch Soul Train and imitate the dancers. I guess you can say that's where it started. I always had a dream to be in movies, [my family] didn't say, That's impossible. They laughed."
Tommy Girl on how he knows how to ride a roaring bitch: "Now, I'd ridden bikes a lot. When I was a kid, I'd set up ramps for jumps, like Evel Knievel, and crash all the time. I'd done it all — but never on a minibike. I got on. Of course, all I wanted to do was go fast, so I hit the throttle. I started off by a neighbor's yard, went past our yard, which had a little hump, and suddenly I was airborne... Rrrrrrrrrrr! The minibike is still going. Oh, no, I'm alive... Okay, I'm alive. The minibike was wedged between the bumpers of the two cars. What a lesson: Know before you go. [You don't] have to curb your enthusiasm. Just fill it in with a little knowledge."
Tommy Girl on the couch abuse incident: "What happened, happened... I wanted the audience to be happy just like I wanted to make my sisters and my mother happy when I did those skits as a kid. But I'll take responsibility for my actions... Afterward, wild things were being said about me, and once they're in the ether, there's nothing you can do about it. It felt like being the new kid in the schoolyard again and the other kids are whispering and whispering about you and suddenly you hear what they're saying, and you think, What? That didn't happen. Look at the reality of the situation."
Tommy Girl on his love for Stepford Katie: "Because we do live in a cynical world. It's easy to be cynical. Making the choice not to be cynical is important. You can keep dwelling on what didn't work, or you can figure out how to fix it. Which is what being a parent is all about. You know, I'm married to such a special woman. Every night before we go to sleep, Kate and I look at each other and it's like, How'd we do today?"
And as the images of fish in an aquarium start to flash in Stepford Katie's eyes, Tommy Girl hits CLT+ALT+DELETE to put her to bed. Then he sprays the dust out of her ears with canned air and gently pulls the computer cover up to her neck before tip-toeing down to his dungeon to cuddle with a pair of tightey whiteys he snatched from David Beckham's gym bag.
You know, Tommy Girl is right! Being cynical is as easy shit.
Here's Tommy, Katie, Suri, and a few of her friends leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Suri's a little pissed, because she wants to be the one wearing platform heels.
In San Antonio, Texas lives an emo teen wolfgang you can find hanging out in front of the mall where they play with their tails, sniff each other's assholes, howl at the street lamps (their curfew ends before the moon comes out), growl at people walking by and hump their Jacob dolls. Teen werewolves are just like us, because that's pretty much how I spend my Fridays night too.
My favorite part is the hot mom at the end who says she's okay with her son being Hot Topic's answer to Teen Wolf, but yet she stands like 100 feet away. Maybe she doesn't want to get fleas.
You know, it's probably a lot of fun being the mother to a teen woof. When he pisses her off, she can send him to sleep in the dog run on the side of the house. It's not child abuse, because technically he's part beast. And generic dog kibble and neck bones aren't that expensive, so she can spend the extra money on white zins with corks instead of twist off caps. My mom probably wishes I was a teen werewolf instead of just a regular teen asshole.
I KNOW! I KNOW! You keep trying to drag me away from the animal cages, but I won't stop throwing peanut shells at them. You even rubbed my nose in the "Do Not Feed The Beasts" sign, but I didn't get the clue. You were even kind enough to wipe their wet dung off my face after they threw it at me, but I still can't stop!
I feel like if I have to suffer, you have to suffer too. It's kind of like the time (just go with it) your friend made a green caca from drinking a black raspberry Coke slushie from Burger King, and called you into the bathroom so that you could see it. It's like that. We're all standing around the toilet together. Which leads me to these pictures of Tila Tequila Worm squirming around on the floor (where she belongs) at some Maxim party in Los Angeles last night. It's fitting that bitch looks like a used tampon that fell out of the Kraken's snatch. It was a heavy flow week.