Britney Spears

Brit Brit rear-ended ANOTHER car today. TMZ reports that Brit Brit was stopped at a red light on Sunset Blvd. in Beverly Hills. For some reason, Brit hit the gas even though the light was still red, hitting a Ford Explorer in front of her.

Brit stayed in the car while her bodyguard got out to talk to the lady in the Explorer. Apparently, nobody was visibly hurt. The lady is currently following Brit back to her house.

She probably dropped a Cheeto, bent down to get it and hit the gas with her wedge flip-flop. Brit needs to leave the driving to the professionals. She should just take her place in the passenger seat where she can play with her gum all she wants and make frapp bubbles with her mouth.

Oh and these pictures are from yesterday, not today. There's totally frapp dust in that water. She has to get her fix somehow.

In order to get into bed with Doogie Howser, I have to sell my soul to Disney, become a pop star, get married to a douche, have 2 kids, get a cheeto addiction, get fat, get a frapp addiction, go crazy, shave my head, check into rehab, lose my kids and capture the pity of America. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it.

Brit Brit Spears triumphant return to "How I Met Your Mother" was last night. Honestly, I fast forwarded through most of it. Britney can't act and the script was caca. Put those two things together and you've got cheetos covered in caca. Delicious to some, but not to me. I did like seeing Doogie in bed though, so that's a plus.

If you missed any of it, you didn't miss much. Just in case you care, here's links to all of Brit's clips. Try not to watch them all in one sitting. Cheeto overload!

Brit on HIMYM - Clip 1
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 2
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 3
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 4
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 5

It could be my hangover playing tricks on me, but it took a few blinks for me to realize this was Jamie Lynn and not Brit Brit. Damn. Homegirl is so tan, classy and ......miserable. She's the new MiserAlba! Although, it doesn't really work on her, because her name isn't Alba. Jamie Lynn Scowls. Naw, that doesn't work. Anyway, the girl needs to drop a good queef and wipe that frown off her face. It could be worse, she could be Brit Brit! Jamie Lynn should think about that.

Here's JL in Mississippi yesterday on her way to a club to drink her grouchiness away. No, she's on her way to her second baby shower. Brit Brit probably ruined the first one by constantly farting, so Jamie Lynn's friends are making it up to her by throwing her a second one.

Watching all the changes Brit's weave goes through is becoming my favorite pastime. Last night, Brit's weave looked as good as it will ever look. Hey, it doesn't look like it can double as a rasta wig, so that's a very good thing. She has enough grease in her hair to keep to keep Popeye's in business for years, but Brit Brit likes it shiny!

In other cheeto news, Brit will go head to head with Whitney Houston this Christmas. The Sun reports that both are planning to release albums around the same time. Battle of the crazy!

A source feels like Brit's new album is exactly what she needs to put her back on top. The source said, “She is determined to make a triumphant comeback. Top brass have been amazed by the quality of tracks they’ve heard. Whitney is set for another relaunch at the same time later in the year. They’re determined Brit will come out on top.”

At first I thought the source said "top bras." That's funny, because that's exactly what she needs!

Not since Danny Noriega was voted off "American Idol" have I felt so cheated! One of the greatest musical talents this hour century, Chloe Lattanzi, did not win "Rock the Cradle" last night. This shit is fixed! Chloe was one of the three finalists along with Crosby Loggins and that douche with a mohawk. I forgot his name already. Crosby won. Zzzzzzzz. Chloe didn't even shed a tear! I expected her puffer lips to quiver until her head flew away.

Chloe will go on to bigger and better things. She's going to be a huge star in......Lithuania!

Brit Brit Spears was also in the audience to support Larry Rudolph who was one of the judges. I'm sure Brit Brit fell in love with Chloe's talent the same way I did. They will create beautiful music together that will make hearing aids everywhere explode.

Below is Chloe's duet with her mother, Olivia Newton-John. I think the stage was declared a disaster zone after that performance. I'm pretty sure that's the last we'll see of Chloe unless we move to Lithuania. I'm really tempted to do so. I can't live without this puffer fish with a voice like burnt glass.

Asshole Simpson is in London trying to get people to buy her album of shitty music. She was on the talk show, "Nokia Green Room" when she called Brit Brit Spears "trashy." Pot calling the kettle trashy!

Asshole was asked in an interview what she thought, "You've had one too many Britney Spears" meant? Apparently, Britney Spears is slang for beer, but Asshole answered "one too many trashy girls."

Stupid hag! Ok, I would have said a lot worse, but I'm trashy and proud of it. This is rich coming from the ultimate piece of trash, Asshole Simpson! The bitch's singing voice makes Brit Brit sound like Beverly fucking Sills.

At least Brit Brit isn't about to marry a vagina! Well, Brit Brit might if it proposed, but that's not the point!

Visit The Sun to see dumb Asshole called Brit Brit "trashy."

Sucio alert! Star Magazine claims that Brit Brit and KFed have been enjoying late-night phone sex sessions. It all started when Brit Brit couldn't sleep, so she decided to call KFed at 2am. At first they talked about SPF and JJ, but their conversation quickly turned into sloppy, greasy phone sex. Nasty.

A source said, "They have phone sex often — at least once a week. The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."

That isn't right. That's a 3,000 calorie phone call right there. I bet Brit tells him, "Ya'll wanna stick yer cheeto puff in mah dunkin donuts?" Extra frosting!

A Brit Brit and KFed phone sex sessions sounds like the worst episode of Crank Yankers ever.

Brit Brit Spears must be on some serious dolls, because it doesn't look like she can feel her weave slowly ripping her scalp off. The girl's weave is scalping her! Hmmm...I wonder what her Native American name is? Big Cheeto Frapp?

Brit Brit was back at the gym yesterday with her Radiohead CD in hand. Hopefully, she listens to it and realizes that's what music should really sound like and retire forever. Yeah, most likely not. The fact that her weave is pulling off her head probably effs up her hearing a bit.

Below is a clip from Brit Brit's return to "How I Met Your Mother." That shit on her head must be a full-on wig, because there's no way her mop of knots is capable of ever looking like that.

Barf on a heel! Brit Brit has resurrected the ugliest boots ever made. I haven't seen her in these for a couple of months. I thought her toe fungus destroyed them once and for all. Guinness World Records should award her for having the largest collection of fugly fug boots.

The court needs to step in and sentence her boots to execution by burning.

No, this is not a picture from the Fugly Ass Dress Convention. It's Jamie Lynne's baby shower or what Britney probably calls it "baba showa." The chick that's second from the right is my favorite. She's working that 90s look of the spaghetti dress over the tank.

OK! Magazine has these pictures in their newest issue from JL's special day. She talked to OK! about seeing Brit Brit for the first time in a while, "It was wonderful to be able to spend time with her and just be girls again. We painted our nails and did stupid stuff." The stupid stuff means they drank a whole bottle of NyQuil in the bathroom.

JL also said that Brit Brit gave her some words of wisdom. Don't spit out your coffee! Your boss is watching. JL said, "She told me, 'There are going to be some long nights, but it is completely worth it.'" She also gave her a recipe for "baby sleepy drank." It's made with bourbon, whiskey, Tylenol PM, Sunny D and Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea.