Taylor Swift

A special place in hell became my #1 "I want to go to there" place today when Taylor Swift condemned Tina Fey and Amy Poehler there because Tina made fun of her ass at the Golden Globes. Taylor told Vanity Fair that there's a special place in Hades for women who don't help other women and she was obviously talking about Tina and Amy. Amy took a little break from buying SPF and a water bottle hat for her special trip to hell to give The Hollywood Reporter her thoughts on what that shade-throwing bird girl said about her and Tina. Amy said this:

"Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff. "

Yes, that response was on the right side of classy and it was also smart, because the IRS is laughing at it while Amy secretly moves some of her money to off-shore accounts. But this not the response I wanted! I wanted Amy to slick her hair back in a bun, stick razors in her hair, put on all her rings, get in her car, pick up Tina Fey and drive to Taylor Swift's house to jump that bitch for talking shit. Handle it Mi Vida Loca style.

But really, Amy's response was perfect and had the perfect touch of shade in it.

UPDATE: Tina Fey said this to ET about Taylor wishing her to hell and it's best if you picture Tina saying this while she's greasing up her face and pulling her hair back, "If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron. I did not see that one coming. It was a joke, it was a lighthearted joke."

Vanity Fair has already made my day by making Taylor Swift look like a confused bird in a wig on the cover of a Christian rock album circa  1995. The way that pictures goes with the words "My Syrian Hostage Ordeal" is way too perfect. It's a mess. The cover is good enough, but then Vanity Fair really took me up, up and away with what they put inside. It's Taylor Swift at her Taylor Swiftiest!

If you can only read one part of this interview, read this part:

As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her “Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan” apartment, Swift continues....

That pretty much sums up Taylor Swift's entire life. (Throw in a bunch of boys in pajamas and it pretty much sums up Michael Jackson's life too. Hmmmm.)

In Vanity Fair's preview, Taylor gets into Tina Fey's joke at the Golden Globes and really gets into how she's portrayed as some dick-hungry crazy bitch who only writes musical slam pieces about her ex-boyfriends. Here's a few quotes and please read them while sipping lavender lemonade in your Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan cubicle:

On what she thinks about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's mild ass joke about her at the Golden Globes: “You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

On how Conor Kennedy and Harry Styles are the only dudes she's dated since 2010: "....if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people."

On how the tabloids have turned her into boy-trap hussy harlot: “The fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous. It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

On how you should celebrate her as the next Joni Mitchell and if you don't you're sexist piece of trash: “For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

On how she shouldn't star in HGTV's new series House Hunters: Stalkers Edition, because she doesn't buy houses near all the dudes she's dated (FYI: Nancy Jo Sales later writes that Taylor did buy a house near Conor Kennedy.): “People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. One of these things I say to myself to calm myself down when I feel like it’s all too much . . . If there’s a pregnancy rumor, people will find out it’s not true when you wind up not being pregnant, like nine months from now, and if there’s a house rumor, they’ll find out it’s not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house.”

Some humanized puddles of unflavored oatmeal just can't take a joke. Taylor Swift needs to walk the plank of her pirate ship apartment, because Tina Fey was helping her out. Tina Fey jokingly told her that she's been to the Island of Dudes several times, but she really needs to spend time at the Island of Her (which looks like the island of Neverland and is surrounded by a lavender lemonade ocean). That is good advice! But I shouldn't question the thinking of a true feminist who called Camilla Belle a slut in a song. Taylor Swift obviously is the authority on women helping women.

Taylor wouldn't talk about the details of her personal life to VF's Nancy Jo Sales, because why do it when you can have your friends do it for you? Taylor let one of her friends talk to Nancy Jo Sales about Harry Styles and the other dudes she's shared a lavender lemonade with:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales. “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

“It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.” The source says, “She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

So to recap: Taylor Swift is sick of the media portraying her as the exact image her publicity team painted, she thinks women need to help her (with what, I'm not sure) and she won't whisper into your ear about her ex-boyfriends, but she'll let somebody else do it for her. Bitch is like the rich girl villain in a Sweet Valley High book.

And my guess that this "special place" in hell that Taylor is talking about is a Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan apartment where they only serve lavender lemonade and play Taylor Swift songs on a loop.

You haven't lived until you've pulled a bright ginger pube out of your mouth and I guess Taylor Swift knows this, because the elven tramp of The Shire is once again spending time with the bushel of Hobbit pubes known as Ed Sheeran. When Taylor broke up with that Kennedy dude and the family let her know that she needs to be gone or they will take her for a nice night time drive off a bridge, she supposedly rebounded with Ed Sheeran. Taylor is apparently back with the real-life Chuckie Finster after his friend Harry Styles dumped her ass.

A source tells The Sun that when Taylor was in London for the Brit Awards, Ed Sheeran spent some time with her in her hotel room and was there until 4 in the morning. Now the guests next to Taylor's hotel room know what all that giggling and moaning was about. It wasn't sex noises, it was just Taylor whining and crying after Ed beat her in a game of Mall Madness. The source said that Taylor really feels like Ed could be the one (aka she can get at least 2 albums worth of songs out of him) and she wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him after her tour ends.

"Taylor has always loved Ed to bits. He’s just an adorably sweet guy who makes her laugh and feel really confident. Harry had that irresistible bad boy thing but Taylor has realised she would rather give it a go with a guy who can make her happy on a different level.

Taylor made it clear when they go off on tour she wants Ed to be her boyfriend. He’s thrilled as he has always thought she’s amazing. When they split last year he always hoped they would get back together. They’ve both vowed not to have a nasty break-up no matter what happens.”

I'm torn (insert your butt plug jokes here), because on one hand, Ed Sheeran gives off subtle shades of Rojo Caliente and that means he's way too good for Taylor's ass. On the other hand, this is meant to be, because Taylor look like an elf maiden and he looks like the black sheep of the Hobbits. It's like some kinky Lord of the Rings fanfic come to life.

Elle Magazine pulled Taylor Swift out of 4th period English, bought her a Coke and sat her down at one of the metal benches in the quad to ask her about her love life and about how she turns the notes she writes about boys in her Hello Kitty diary into #1 hit singles. Taylor twirled her hair, chewed on a piece of watermelon BubbleYum and ewwww-ed at Elle's split ends before telling them that she doesn't chase after boys and it isn't her fault that everyone analyzes her songs to find out who they're about. Yes, Taylor Swift buys houses right next to a dude she's dated for five seconds and yes, she constantly drops hints about which boyfriend "inspired" which songs, but that's not called "chasing" or "pandering." It's called make smart real estate and business decisions! The 14-year-old trapped in the body of a stretched out Lemon Meringue doll said this to Elle:

On how she doesn't yell at boyfriends: “I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.”

On writing songs about her exes: “To me it’s just writing songs the way I always have. It’s me sitting on my bed feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song, and understanding it better. If people want to dissect the lyrics, that’s their right, but it’s all coming from the exact same place as where I started. It’s just something I do to feel better.”

On how she's not a boy chaser: "I'm sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me. They’re like "Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys. I never chase boys. They don't like it!"

Taylor Swift not a fit thrower? I bet if you asked one of the stuffed animals who hangs out on the net in the corner of her bedroom, it'll tell you that she has been known to throw a hissy fit on her strawberry rug when her Snoopy Sno-Cone machine stops working. And of course Taylor Swift doesn't chase boys. She just sneaks into their room, crawls into their bed and stares at them until they wake up, get spooked and promise to go on a date with her if she stops staring at them. Or she just gets her publicist to chase after them for her.

And only a trick with a 14-year-old brain would say some shit like, "I don't chase boys! They don't like it!" Bitch, stop. When you're grown, you don't give a shit anymore. You'll ask a dude out and you will chase a dude as long as you get some good dick out of it. I've gotten on a Greyhound bus for some dick and the dude even told me, "Yeah, you can come over, but you can't stay the night." You know you're not above "chasing a dude" when you get on a 3 hour bus ride for some 10 second dick. ("Michael, that's not called 'chasing dudes.' That's called being a desperate slut with no dignity." - you "You know, I like the way you say it better." - me)

Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.

What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!

And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.

Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.

While Oprah loves smearing foreskin on her face, Taylor Swift wants nothing to do with it. We finally know the real reason why Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up. It's not because he has the face-sucking skills of a slimy garden wanderer or because she wouldn't put out.  It's because Harry was sick of Taylor whining at him to get circumcised. Taylor did not like the fact that his dick looks E.T. going for an undercover bike ride.

A completely reliable source who totally isn't the intern at The National Enquirer tells Mike Walker (via Lainey Gossip) that Taylor Swift is no friend of H.O.O.P.'s, because she can't stand uncut penis.

“Taylor didn’t like the fact that English-born Harry was not circumcised – she even suggested he undergo surgery! Harry made it clear he had no intention of changing anything. He asked her not to mention it again. But Taylor never missed the chance to poke fun or make a comment. At first, Harry just rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her, but the final straw came when she suggested once again that he get...snipped!”

This is extremely good news for fans of uncut dick and fans of dick of every kind (aka the team I'm on). More uncut dick for us! I've never cared if the peen is naked or wearing a Slanket. It has never mattered to me. I've seen some scary-looking uncut peen and I've seen a cut dick that looked like it was wearing a chewed-up calamari ring as a necklace. They botched that shit. But I still didn't care. If it can get the job done, who cares? And I don't even care if the uncut peen is covered with seven kinds of cracker spread. Just scoop it out, use it to open your first Hickory Farms franchise and keep the fun moving.

Here's peen hood hater Taylor Swift at the 40 Principales Awards in Madrid last night.

Radar said a couple of weeks ago that Harry Styles booked Taylor Swift a seat on the S.S. Bye Bitch, because he's full of 18-year-old hormones and can't stop humping stuff (Note: Yeah, that fluffy thing that ran by and humped your leg for five seconds. That was Harry Styles) and she's a prude who wouldn't give up the panty as much as he wanted. But maybe Taylor Swift hardly ever slid naked onto home plate with Harry Styles, because his first base skills made her spit up snail slime.

Jenna B (the girl with bacne who sits in front of you in 10th grade English) told Ashley (the girl with the worst split ends EVER who sits next to Jenna B) who told Megan (the girl who gave Ashley's boyfriend a handjob at a party, I don't even know why they talk!) who told Star Magazine (via HL) that Taylor Swift got the icks every time she put her lips on Harry's lips. Taylor is telling her friends that he "kissed like a snail. Eventually Taylor found it hard not to be grossed out.”

What does a snail kiss like exactly....

One time when I still lived at my mom's house, I came home drunk during the Hour of the Snails (aka like 4am) and I forgot my key. So I laid down on the concrete in the front yard and watched a snail slither on by. I thought about it, but I never made out with that snail, so I have no idea what it's like to suck on a snail's face. Worms, however, are all tongue. I shouldn't have told you that. Hide the plant butter before you get any ideas.

And I'm sure Harry Styles would say that kissing Taylor Swift is a lot like sucking a burp out of a parakeet's ass.

In other Swifty gossip you just need to know, a source tells Radar (the same ones who said Harry dumped her for keeping her legs shut) that she doesn't know if she can ever trust Harry again, because she believes he cheated on her:

“She thought he was cheating on her when they were apart over the holidays so she ended it, telling him she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. Harry protested that he never did anything wrong, and that’s why Taylor is trying right now to give him the benefit of the doubt and trying to work things out with him. But his reputation precedes him and it’s hard to believe Taylor will ever be able to fully trust Harry because the ladies just throw themselves at him and he does nothing to temper that."

Taylor shouldn't be so hard on Harry even if he did cheat. Every time he'd try to kiss her, she'd throw salt at him and every time he'd stick his hand down her panties, he'd find nothing but a large pile of Sluggo in there. What else what he was supposed to do?

Taylor Swift tweeted her 23 million fans today to thank them for having her back against her non-fight with the 51-year-old meanie who said before that he barely knows who she is. Michael J. Fox said in so many words on Wednesday night that he wouldn't want his son Sam Fox dating Taylor Swift and I guess it turned into this whole thing. But Taylor talked to MJF about it and told her fans that everything is good, so they don't have to break curfew tonight to toilet paper his house, write "F U A-HOLE" in Vaseline on his car window and shit on his welcome mat.

What I'm guessing happened is that Taylor Swift called Michael J. Fox and let him know that if he ever talks shit about America's sweetheart again she'll fuck several #1 singles out of his son and he won't even get a cut of the royalties. After Michael J. Fox said, "Remind me who Taylor Swift is again," she screamed, "EXACTLY," hung up and declared victory. That'll teach everyone that the only bitch who can talk shit is Taylor Swift.

And seriously, how can Taylor's fans really have her back when she's always on it? I don't mean it like that! I mean, she's always lying on her back while making shadow puppets on the ceiling with her latest barely legal boyfriend.

Most of us slow clapped on Sunday night when Tina Fey jokingly told Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son at the Golden Globes, because we could all see her setting her boy trap for his ass. He looks 12 in the face, he's tall, he's white and he comes from a famous family. He's the perfect prey! Well, Vulture asked Michael J. Fox for his thoughts on Taylor Swift dating his son Sam Fox (Side note: If the name "Sam Fox" made you think of this "Sam Fox" then our brains were cut from the same brain cloth.) and Alex P. Keaton rolled up his sleeves, covered his face in mantequilla and went in.

Vulture: Would [you] approve of a Sam/Taylor (Saylor) love connection?

MJF: No. No ... Just back off. I don’t keep up with it all. But Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right?

Vulture: Right!

MJF: What a way to build a career.

Vulture: So if Swift showed up to a Fox family dinner (possibly wearing her fox sweater), how would [you] react?

MJF: I wouldn’t even know who she was.

Vulture: But it'd probably dawn on [you] after the breakup song hit the radio.

MJF: Yeah, exactly. 'Sam, You Piece of Shit.' Oh … that was the girl you brought home!

You know the backlash is serious when Michael J. Fox joins the anti-Taylor team.

Taylor hasn't even dated Sam Fox, which means she hasn't broken up with Sam Fox, which means that she hasn't written the break-up song yet. But even though it doesn't exist and I've never heard it, "Sam, You Piece of Shit" has to be my favorite Taylor Swift song of all-time.

Taylor Swift's 2013 started off with Harry Styles dropping her on a boat headed to ByeBitchville, but she's not going to let that stop her from finding love another famous dude to keep her ass in the tabloids for a while. Taylor asked her publicist to start scouting locations for future photo-ops and she covered the walls of the stalker room in her attic with pictures of Bradley Cooper, because she wanted him to be her next trick. Yes, that means it's okay for moms everywhere to unchain their barely legal sons from the water heater in the garage, because Taylor is in the mood for older pieces now.

A source tells Radar that Taylor of Sluttybrook Farms asked Jennifer Lawrence to set her up with B. Coop. B. Coop has already said that if he was starting to grow pubes before you were born, he's not trying to date you. So when Jennifer Lawrence told B. Coop that Taylor wanted to date him, he shut The Squint down.

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor. First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious. It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her."

I know, this story is TOO true. I'm shocked it didn't come from CNN. But really, when Bradley Cooper banishes you from his presence it's time to re-train with your beard sensei Renee Zellweger or think long and hard about your future as a lifelong beard. Because damn, how the beard has fallen. Next thing you know, Taylor will be dating Richard Simmons (I hope this happens).