PR relationships just aren't built to last anymore. Life & Style says that Taylor Swift is burning the lock of curls that she cut from Harry Styles' mop while he was sleeping, because their 2-month-long international slumber party has come to an end. Life & Style's source says their busy schedules broke them up, but The Daily Mail says that she drew a black X over the part of her Pee Chee folder that had "Mrs. Harry Styles" written on it after they got into a huge fight during their New Year's vacation on Virgin Gorda. If you click on one thing today, please click on this link that will lead you to the picture of Taylor Swift sitting all by her lonesome on a boat. It's the best and it's like Harry dropped her ass on that boat and sent her back to where she came from. Expect the lyric "I knew you were gay when you dropped me on Flying Ray" from Taylor Swift very soon.
The Daily Mail's source says that Taylor and Harry got into a huge fight on the island and she left on January 4th, just three days into their holiday.
"Yes I can confirm they have split up. They were on holiday and had an almighty row. They are two young stars at the top of their game so who knows what will happen in the future."
And that's that. I'm sure that before I even hit publish on this shit, Taylor will have already scheduled a hand-holding photo-op in the apple orchard with a new piece and I really hope that new piece is Justin Bieber. He's perfect for her. He's famous, white, probably can't grow pubes on his own yet and he's the ex-boyfriend of her best friend, so that completely fits in with her junior high school-like love life. And if Taylor gets with Justin, the Beliebers can stop fake cutting themselves over him being a baby stoner and start cutting their Taylor Swift voodoo dolls instead.
Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It's All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift's Fault!
It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!
But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.
Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER
I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.
taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff
but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire
If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.
But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.
Okay, Baby should be put in the corner this time.
At an after-party for Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles had the time of their lives when they did the Dirty Dancing lift on the dance floor. This would be okay if they had both snorted powdered Ecstasy or were ten shades of drunk, and did it as a joke. But you know they practiced this during one of their slumber parties and Taylor made the DJ play the right song and everything. They did this for serious.
Harry Styles had Taylor Swift's apple tart vagina that close to his face and she's looking up into the spotlights like she's Jennifer Grey, and he didn't drop her ass on the floor before picking up the phone to fire his publicist for setting this fake shit up? Molding pieces of bread into heart shapes to feed the ducks at Central Park during a staged photo op is ONE thing to do for attention, but doing the Dirty Dancing lift with Taylor Swift is another. At what cost is it worth getting a cover of Life & Style, Harry Styles? At what cost? I can't look at you anymore, Harry.
And in this picture, Taylor is totally saying, "Say, 'Nobody puts Taylor in the corner' one more time! Please. I won't make you tuck my Holly Hobbies dolls in tonight if you do."
via Heat World
Taylor Swift Takes Harry Styles For A Ride On Her Private Jet, Doesn't Invite The Other One Direction Twinks
Taylor Swift and One Direction all performed at Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night (pictures below) and they were all going to London the next day. Taylor Swift's flying unicorn must've been in the unicorn shop, because she took a private jet to London instead and invited her future ex-piece Harry Styles, but not the other One Directioners. So Harry had a choice. Harry could either slip into first class on a commercial plane with the other twinks in his group or he could sit on a private jet and let Taylor Swift braid his hair and sing him the song she wrote for her cat for the entire flight to London. Harry's brain must be made of cotton candy sludge, because he went with the Taylor Swift option. Some source tells The Sun that Harry's group mates are side-eyeing him something extra, because they think he thinks he's the John Lennon of the group. The source said this:
“Her presence has stirred tensions in the band as Harry’s now spending most of his time with her, and jetted into the gig on her private jet instead of coming in with the rest of the lads."
We all know how this story goes... Harry's going to spend more and more time with Taylor Swift, and then she's going to start hanging out in the studio while 1D records.... Then she'll start dropping her one cent in the recording studio and she'll tell Harry that he should make an album filled with cat songs with her instead. 1D and Harry will fight more and eventually the band will break up. Taylor and Harry will stay together until a fat Jared Leto shoots him. That's how it's going to go. Or Taylor's going to dump him next year when she starts dating Prince William's newborn baby. Yeah, that's probably how it's really going to go.
And I don't know why Lindsay Lohan is screwing around with that Max George ho. LiLo should be trying to get on Taylor Swift. Bitch has a jet!
As One Direction fans, including Eminem's fake Twitter daughter, spray paint the word WHORE all over the backyard sweetheart playhouse Taylor Swift lives in, her teenage piece-of-the-moment Harry Styles strolled into her NYC hotel last night with an overnight bag hanging over his shoulder. I should be shocked and horrified by this, but I'm too busy wiping the streams of vom off my lashes after my eyes barfed from looking at those pap's UGGs.
This is the second night in a row that Harry and Rebecca of Sluttybrook Farm have had a sleepover. I guess those two real-life Strawberry Shortcake characters just can't get enough of watching cat cartoons, making friendship bracelets and taking turns combing peach-scented leave-in-conditioner in each other's hair. I refuse to believe that these two are bumping bare nipples, because I really don't want to think of Taylor bumping bare nipples with anybody. My imagination has been to a lot of dark-sided places in the gutter, but it doesn't want to go there.
And the only good thing that has come out of this unholy union is the moment when my mom was watching Access Hollywood and asked, "That Taylor girl is dating a boy from a band called One ERECTION?!!"
Here's Harry at Taylor's hotel last night and Taylor at a restaurant yesterday afternoon.
Taylor Swift And Harry Styles Go For A Totally Natural And Not-At-All-Staged Stroll Through Central Park
If Taylor Swift's friends got a peen for every time they heard her say, "No, for real, it's true love fo eva this time," they'd almost have more dick than her coochie game pulls in on a regular basis.
Serial boy collector, skilled stalker and real estate mogul Taylor Swift has pretty much dropped her dream of becoming Jackie Kennedy Onassis and now she wants to be the Yoko Ono of One Direction. As the One Direction fangirls made Swifty voodoo dolls out of their American Girl Kristen Doll yesterday afternoon, Taylor and her newest 18-year-old piece Harry Styles went to the Central Park Zoo with a baby she kidnapped, because she wants to give the tabloids a file photo to use for when the pregnancy rumors come out. Today, Harry and Taylor will show up to a Starbucks and she'll wear an antique lace wedding dress to give the tabloids a file photo for when those inevitable marriage rumors come out. Taylor is looking out for you tabloid photo editors.
The humanized version of an Electric Dream Phone, Harry Styles, his hairstylist and his hairstylist's baby went to see the sea lions and I'm sure they also fed the ducks, shared a pumpkin spice latte and later curled each other's hair before having a pillow fight on her princess canopy bed. You know, some people are screaming about how Taylor keeps trolling kindergarten playgrounds for boyfriends since lately she's been dating barely legal twinks. But Taylor is a 12-year-old girl trapped in a Pollyanna mannequin, so she's actually dating dudes older than her.
And I'm so mad at that sea lion right now. A dolphin bit a little girl at SeaWorld and this sea lion couldn't keep the trend going by biting Taylor Swift's ass? You disappoint us all, sea lion.
Even though Taylor Swift has taken down every picture of Conor Kennedy from the stalker wall in her bedroom, she still closed on a $4.8 million house near the Kennedy Compound on Cape Cod, because she never knows when she'll be in the mood to stalk his ass again. Now that Taylor "Alex Forrest" Swift has moved on to her next teenage victim, the mop-headed twink from One Direction, she's looking to set up a stalking headquarters near his house in London.
Hollywood Life says that Taylor is looking for houses in North London, the same neighborhood her current piece Harry Styles lives in. Taylor "David McCall" Swift wrote Harry's initials in her cappuccino foam last March when they dated for a quick minute, but they broke up because they were never together. A source says Taylor thinks that maybe this time their love will bloom if she moves near his ass.
“She’s been interested in buying a house in the UK for a while. But after months of not really mentioning it, Taylor’s suddenly instructed an estate [agent] to get on it ASAP! She’s even asked Harry if he’ll come and look at some places with her, since he knows the area.
Taylor says the reason things fizzled out last time was because they had no time together. I’m sure their recent contact is behind her sudden enthusiasm to buy in London. She says they’ll be able to pick up where they left off. I’m not sure how Harry will cope if Taylor does move in down the road. He always talks big with girls he likes, promising the earth, but in reality I think Harry likes being single."
Does Maggie Gyllenhaal's long-lost twin sister, Harry Styles, even know that he's dating Taylor of the Sunnybrook Mental Hospital? Have they even met? Taylor was probably watching a One Direction video one day and felt that Harry was giving her the eyes through her TV screen. Now she tells everyone that he's her boyfriend and she's going to stalk him so hard until he has no choice but to seek government assistance and enter the Taylor Swift Protection Program. Whatever, by then Taylor will have a new victim and her London house will be worth twice as much as she paid.
Bitch might be crazy, but she's also a real estate mogul genius.
Here's Taylor in Japan today.
Taylor Swift is currently humping her way to her next #1 album, but she took a little time away from skipping through the lavender fields with the mop-headed twink from One Direction who I always mistake for Maggie Gyllenhaal. Taylor dropped Harry Styles' hand for a second to comfort a friend of need. Taylor gave her best friend 4 eva a shoulder to weep on, because Selena Gomez still isn't over Justin Bieber embarrassing her by wearing the most fucked up toddler outfit ever.
Taylor and Selena had dinner at an Italian restaurant and I'm sure the former told the latter not to get mad, get THAT MONEY by writing a song about the douche who hurt her in the heart. Then afterward, they drove to Selena's house, got into their pajamas and shared a raw cookie dough log while laughing about how they don't need stupid smelly boys when they've got each other! As they got higher and higher on raw cookie dough, they rolled around on the carpet, giggled.... and I'm going to stop now before I write the lezzie fan fiction that NOBODY wants to read. I've already gone too far.
This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.
Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:
Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston
I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.
And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.
Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton's disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor's facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to "OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING" face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she'll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won't win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.
Taylor should've known that shit wasn't going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):
Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor's dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped 'em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it's her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.
And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn't a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude's a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!