You Learn Something New
The Simpsons creator Matt Groening's mother Margaret Ruth Groening (née Wiggum) died peacefully in her sleep on April 22nd in Portland. Margaret was the inspiration for Marge Simpson and I did not know this, but Matt named most of The Simpsons characters after members of his own family. Margaret's obit reads like The Simpsons family tree.
Homer is the name of Matt's father and Lisa and Maggie are the name of his sisters. Bart is an anagram of Brat and is supposedly based on Matt. His brother Mark didn't make the cut. Even Patty was the name of one of Matt's relatives. It makes me sad knowing that Patty died earlier this year. Because if she was anything like her character, I would've liked to bitch about life with her while trying to pick up pieces at the gay bar.
Rest in peace, real-life Marge Simpson.
During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she'd be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.
“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.
Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”
Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she's breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn't want to deal with it, she'd give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won't know the difference). I don't see the problem! That's basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.
Goopy Paltrow tells The Guardian (via Jezebel) that even though she's a natural-born British lass with a natural-born British accent, her ears curl closed when she hears a Brit saying the word "pasta." If Goopy ever hears one of her children say the word "pasta" the British way, she'll wash their tongues out with $500-a-bar soap made from a rare kind of wax only found in special bees who exclusively eat Mānuka honey. That'll teach them how to say paaaaaah-sta.
"I've lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce pasta as pass-ta instead of pah-sta. I'm sort of joking when I say this but I really don't want my children speaking that way."
I totally get what Goopy is saying. She pronounces Gwyneth as "the most perfect person in the world" and the rest of us pronounce Gwyneth as "a total asshole." Personally, I prefer the way all of us pronounce it. I'm sort of not joking when I say that.
And that wasn't the only gem that fell out of Goopy's talk hole:
"I hung out with Leonardo DiCaprio when I moved to New York. He was vegetarian and he'd talk about how dirty meat is and how bad factory farming is. I haven't eaten red meat in 20 years and although Leo's not totally responsible he definitely planted a seed. When I turned seriously macrobiotic, it coincided with my father having been diagnosed with cancer [in 1999]. I felt I could heal him by proxy."
"Eating while filming a scene is the worst thing, because you have to keep eating the same thing all day long. You'll notice that most films with food the actors aren't actually eating, but I try consciously to eat to make it real, but most of the time I'll spit it out to avoid feeling sick. I'm sure there must have been eating scenes, especially playing a 330lb character in Shallow Hal, but I don't remember that film well to be honest."
So Goopy will only put her mouth on cow meat if Jamie Oliver asks, Leonardo DiCaprio once planted a seed in her and of course she remembers nothing about the movie where she played a fat chick. And now we know that the best way to keep the Goop away is to wave a raw red steak or a copy of Shallow Hal at her. Thanks for the tip, Goopy!
Answer: Not a one!
Whoopi Goldberg went to a Vanity Fair party at the Tribeca Film Festival in NYC last night and UsWeekly asked her a few questions. Based on the way Whoopi was dressed, they should've asked her what it was like teaching a young Harry Potter. But instead they asked her who she thinks should replace Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselcrack on The View next season. Whoopi's internal hard drive processed that question for a quick second before she opened up her empty hands to show UsWeekly how many fucks she gives.
"Let me tell you this about The View: I take a paycheck every other week. That's all I do. I could give a shit what comes. I do my job -- I have a contract. That's where I stand. I don't give a fuck."
Just in case we didn't get it the first time, the honey badger of daytime talk show hosts let us know that unless ABC pays her to care, she no care!
"I don't care. That's not my job. My job is to show up and be cute by 11 o'clock and get the fuck off that show by 12. And that's what I try to do. I think it's the only way to keep your sanity because these are not decisions that I get to make. It ain't my show. It's Barbara's show."
So all Whoopi does is show up on time, leave on time and be cute? Barbara Walters needs to bring up that last part in Whoopi's next employee evaluation, because I've seen the shit she wears on TV and it definitely doesn't fall into the cute category. But seriously, where can I get a job like Whoopi's, because I really want to get paid to not give one shit. Oh...wait....
And here's a knocked up Evan Rachel Wood, Sandra Bernhard and Sienna Miller at last night's Vanity Fair party and I'm sure Whoopi doesn't give a shit about any of them.
While wearing Demi Moore's old crotch shrub on his face and neck, Shia LaBeouf went on The Late Show last night to promote some movie and he had to a few words to say about the douche fight with Alec Baldwin that got him fired from the Broadway play Orphans. During the first week of rehearsals, Shia rubbed Alec the wrong way and vice versa, and since nobody likes the smell of hemorrhoid friction, LaDouche was fired. Shia then released a bunch of emails between him, the director, the producer and the cast. David Letterman asked Shia about the feud last night and he kind of sort of explained it.
Letterman: So why did you get fired?
Shia: I think because me and Alec had tension as men, not as artists, but as men. That became a hard thing to deal with. When you've got tension as men, that's tough till July. It's cool for increments, but I think to do that for a long period of time would be tough.
Letterman: Had you known Alec before?
Shia: I met Alec briefly before we started.
Letterman: How would you describe your relationship with him now?
Shia: I hope it's pretty good. He's a great actor and I wish him the best of luck.
Letterman: Now can I suggest a couple scenarios? Alec went to the producers and said, 'I can't take it another day, fire him.'
Shia: I think that might've been what happened.
Letterman: Really? No, I just made that up.
Manly tension? What kind of prehistoric age shit? Shia makes it sound like he and Alec grunted at each other, bumped chests and then had a contest to see who could club and bring back the woman with the biggest child bearing hips. (Actually, that's exactly what happened, I'm sure). But seriously, manly tension is the best kind of tension. Shia and Alec just didn't know how to handle it. When you've got too much manly tension in the room, bring out the lube (or the jar of cooking grease from under your kitchen sink), clean out your asses and lay down the plastic tarp. Break that tension on each other's butts. Tom Cruise knows what I'm talking about, because it's how he handles all disputes with other men.
I'm sure that when you first heard Beyonce's new humble anthem "Bow Down/I Been On," the first thing you asked yourself was, "What does Rush Limbaugh think about this?" Or you might've asked yourself, "What does a shit stain on a piece of rest stop toilet paper think about this?" Same thing, really. Well, Rush Limbaugh never disappoints and the human Whoopee cushion of lukewarm farts expressed his thoughts about Beyonce's new song on his radio show the other day. But before we get to that mess...
One of the lyrics in Beyonce's ear-killing song goes:
I took some time to live my life
But don’t think I’m just his little wife
Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted
This my shit, bow down bitches
So basically, King B is telling us that she's back and we all need to get on our knees and blah blah blah blah... Well, Rush, who is always trollin', thinks that now that Beyonce has married a rich dude, she's gone against her female empowerment beliefs and is all about bowing down to her husband now. via Billboard:
"Beyoncé used to be the lead for a three-girl group called Destiny's Child. And their songs were attempts to inspire young women not to take any grief from men. Essentially don't take any grief. Don't let these guys walk all over you. Don't do this, don't do that, just walk away. You don't need to put up with that. She's done a 180. Beyonce, now having been married, having been impregnated and given birth to Blue Ivy, she's going out on a new tour. And they may as well call it the 'Bow Down B-I-ITCH Tour.' She's got a new song, 'Bow down, bitches,' a total 180. Beyoncé's now saying, 'go ahead and put up with it.' And you know why? I'll tell you why. She married the rich guy. She's even calling herself Mrs. Carter on the tour. She has shelved Beyonce. She's gonna call herself Mrs. Carter on the Bow Down Bitches Tour. That's the title of the single that's fronting the tour. And the advice to these women is put up with it. Bow down, b-i-itches. Because why? She got married. She married the rich guy. She now understands that it's worth it to bow down."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Rush Limbaugh should give his analysis on every new song that comes out. Oxycontin has co-produced some batshit crazy thoughts, but this thought sits at the top of the list.
And here's Beyonce in a new ad for H&M, which is sponsoring her Mrs. Carter World Tour. Whatever, I'm sure Solange's ads for Filene's Basement will be way hotter than this shit.
If you haven't spent one second with The Carrot Diaries, then consider yourself one of the lucky ones, because I suffered through 3 episodes for the music alone until I realized that I can listen to the same damn music on my iTunes and I don't have to look at AnnaSophia Robb's $2 thirsty wig of curly polyester nightmares while doing so. The Scary Diaries is like a Disney Channel-like period piece (that has double meaning) for fetuses who didn't live through the 80s and I am way too old for that mess. (Cut to me later tonight when I'm puffing on my vaporizer while watching Jessie on the Disney Channel.) The original TV Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker, pretty much feels the same way. Net-A-Porter Magazine (via UsWeekly) asked SJP how she feels about some girl playing Carrie Bradshaw and she said that it's odd.
How does she feel about another actress playing the role she so definitively brought to life? “I’m not sure… You know, I think it’s one of those tests of your generosity. She [AnnaSophia Robb] is a lovely girl and I want her to feel good about it, but it’s… odd.”
My mom was talking about The Carrot Diaries the other day and I don't think she really knows that it's about young Carrie Bradshaw, because she asked, "Why didn't they get Sarah Janica to play Katie Bradshaw?" (FYI: Sarah Janica and Katie Bradshaw in mom talk mean Sarah Jessica and Carrie Bradshaw) My mom has a point and she could be a TV executive and a TV casting director. Because if Sarah Janica's Iggy Pop looking ass played a 16-year-old Carrie Bradshaw, I'd totally watch the hell out of that. A drop of some Strangers with Candy shit is definitely what is missing from The Scary Diaries.
And SJP also told Net-A-Porter that she's done with wearing platform horse shoes off camera, because they mangled her hooves:
"For ten or so years, I literally ran in heels. I worked 18-hour days and never took them off. I wore beautiful shoes, some better made than others, and never complained. But then I did I Don’t Know How She Does It, and I was very thoughtful about my whole wardrobe and said, you know, [Kate Reddy] could not afford really good footwear. So I got [lower priced] shoes and the bottoms weren’t leather, they were plastic, so I slipped a couple times, twisted my ankle.
I went to a foot doctor and he said, 'Your foot does things it shouldn't be able to do. That bone there... You've created that bone. It doesn't belong there.' The moral of the story is, the chickens are coming home to roost. It's sad, because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, 'You know what, we are really tired, can you just stop – and don't put cheap shoes on us?'"
So many farrier jokes, so little time.
And here's SJP stomping on the snow with her twins and nanny in NYC this morning.
If Taylor Swift is right and there really is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women, then I guess being trapped in that special place in hell is a lot like being trapped inside of a mommy message board. At a round table with the cast of Admission, UsWeekly brought up that scene in the last episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon gets into a type fight with a bunch of crazy and judgy moms on a mommy message board. Tina Fey said that scene was inspired by the time she dipped into the insanity pool by lurking on UrbanBaby (aka Fishstick Paltrow's home away from GOOP). Tina said:
"That was definitely built on experience with things I have seen. I have never . . . I don't know how to post on any of those. So I promise you I have never posted. I have seen people pretending to be me post on Urban Baby. I had a friend call me and say, "Are you on Urban Baby?" I said no. I didn't know what that was. I do think some of them - Urban Baby specifically - have some of the worst human behavior I've ever seen in my life. Terrible. There is no one running [those sites] or they would fix it."
Worst human behavior she has ever seen? Well, I guess she wasn't in the Dlisted comments that time I was in there and we started talking about dudes who love to make out with Aunt Flow. Tina has a point, though. Buzzfeed posted a list of the 15 most vomit-inducing things written on UrbanBaby and it included the most fucked up thing I've read ever since I re-read that Dlisted comment thread about dudes who love to make out with Aunt Flow:
(FYI: DD stands for "dear daughter.")
THE HELL?! Shut down the internet. Shut down the world. Shut down everything. I can't.
And before everything gets shut down, look at these pictures of Tina Fey and a lost member of Hall & Oates at the premiere of Admission in NYC on Tuesday night.
Jennifer Lawrence's face became the new face of Dior recently and in her first ads for Dior purses, they gave her the regular old Photoshop treatment they give everybody. Jennifer Lawrence looks like Jennifer Lawrence if they filled her pores with spackle, sanded her down completely, put several coats of thick primer on her, poured liquid porcelain clay on her, fired her up in a kiln for a few minutes and then let her cool off before covering her in baby powder.
The humanized animatronic teddy bear of Access Hollywood that is Billy Bush showed Jennifer Lawrence her pictures for Dior at the Oscars on Sunday and she let it be known that shit was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. Jennifer then said that she loves Photoshop so much that she just wants to dry it up, stick in her bong and smoke it after downing a bottle of red wine. Jennifer Lawrence said this:
"That doesn't look like me at all. I love Photoshop more than anything in the world. Of course that's Photoshop. People don't look like that."
That's not what Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say! Who the hell trained her ass? Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say that they only used a little bit of makeup on her and they shot her in natural light and she pretty much looks like that in person. Mimi is about to slap a bitch, because Jennifer Lawrence is unveiling her secrets!
Seen here at Elton John's Oscar party looking like a smug bookworm, Chris Brown slipped into the confessional booth at The Mirror of all places and let out a steaming pile of regrets for what he did to RiRi 4 years ago. The Difficult Brown supposedly told The Mirror that sometimes the one you're with peeps at your phone and you get mad at them and repeatedly bash their face into the car window, but that doesn't mean you don't love them anymore. Chris Brown said that RiRi loves him again and he's worked hard to get her trust back. Chris Brown started to say some other things, but he saw someone trying to take his parking space, so he had to cut the interview short to knuckle that bitch in the eyes.
“Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me – what can I say? I’m forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it.
People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don’t know me, and they don’t know us. It doesn’t bother me any more. Other people can judge us but they don’t know anything. I’ve learned a lot since that night and I’ve grown up. I was very young and I took a lot of stuff, fame, for granted. I didn’t understand it. The support from those who do know me and the fans, who are incredible, got me through."
This is coming from The Mirror, so as far as we know they could've pulled out the Yellow Pages (does that shit still exist?), picked out some random Chris Brown and called them up. Instead of talking to the infamous rabid beaver, they were probably talking to a 56-year-old man named Christopher Brown from Millville, Delaware who was telling him about how he once yelled at his Golden Retriever for chewing on his favorite pair of New Balance sneakers. If The Mirror really wanted to make me believe that these words actually came out of Chris Brown's mouth, they should've put the line, "You know, just like Jesus," after every other sentence. Then I would've totally believed that this came from Chris "Martyr" Brown.