You Learn Something New

And thy name is Nate Naylor.

I really hope that you have an eyeball on your chin so that you can read all about our modern day Adonis as you lick his picture. This perfect human man (not my words) is currently blessing Scarlett Johansson's double Mount Olympus chichis with his natural beauty and so People put up their magnifying glass to him to find out who he really is. It reads like a press release about him, written by him and he should really start a second career in writing Match.com profiles. Nate Naylor (pronounced: Nate Nail Her) is in the business of overselling shit (surprise, surprise) and works as an advertising executive in NYC.

Nate has a NSFWish Tumblr, dated Kristen Johnston for a quick minute, is an Arizona native and is so beautiful in person that looking at him is like looking at a unicorn made of marijuana dancing on top of a double rainbow over an In-N-Out. Basically, Nate always keeps fresh silk hankies in his pocket, because you will weep like it's the first time you've wept when you see his face up close.

This is the second fact from People's "What You Need To Know About Nate Naylor" list and it's the only thing you need to know about Nate Naylor:

2. He gets high praise from friends – for his work and looks

Naylor "is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person," says fellow freelance creative director Lawson Clarke, who is known in the ad world as Male Copywriter. "He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." But Naylor's not just another pretty face. "Bottom line is Nate's a great guy and really respected in the industry," adds Clarke, who has worked with Naylor multiple times. "Scarlett should be so lucky."

"Nate Naylor is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person." - Lawson Clarke

"He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." - Lawson Clarke

Nate Naylor should get both of those quotes tattooed on his ass and forehead, because those words will close all deals. I swear, Lawson Clarke is the greatest dick puller ever. Now I'm not saying that Nate Naylor ain't hot (because I'd hit it, duh), but I am saying that Lawson Clarke has only seen three men in person and the other two were Brian Peppers and Mimi in drag. So he's not lying.

When you've got the personality of McDonald's cow butt paste (RIP!) like Blake Lively does, you have to reach deep to pull out some interesting shit that won't' make the interviewer fall into an open-eyed coma. Blake went there during an interview with Elle Magazine and told them a million fascinating facts about herself like how many peens her vagina has sucked on and how she hopes to birth out a girl or a trans baby one day. That slight tingle in your brain is a "The More You Know" star shooting through the inside of your head:

On how her Fuck Club punch card only has four holes in it: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“

On how she hopes to have a daughter or a son-to-daughter one day: “I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated.”

Yesterday GOOPY Paltrow said she thought Apple would be a butch lez and today Blake Lively is saying that she hopes she has a tranny. Tomorrow, Katherine Heigl is going to top all of those blonde bitches by saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm going to adopt a female-to-male tranny bull dyke! TOP THAT!"

Blake did use the word "trannies" and that's going to get her at least one open letter from GLADD, so that stretches this interview's 15 seconds of fame. Slow clap for you, girl.

And I know we should use this time together to figure out the four boyfriends Blake is talking about (SPOILER ALERT: Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Penn Badgleywhatever and who ever she had to fuck to get that short-term relationship contract with Leonardo DiCaprio), but instead I'm going to talk about what Elle did to her ass in these pictures. Who at Elle thought this shit looked sexy? Look at that picture above. Blake looks cold and hot at the same time. I can't really explain it, but that picture reminds me of when they pulled Baby Jessica out of the well. Baby Jessica was wet, confused, uncomfortable, scared and you didn't know whether she wanted a blanket or a fan. So I guess Elle was going for "sexy Baby Jessica." Just....WRONG.

The pictures of GOOPY Paltrow in Harper's Bazaar will cover your eyes with the organic grease that's smeared all over her legs, but don't worry you'll wipe those away as soon as your eyes start rotating at all the colon balls of pretension that come leaping, twirling and floating off of her tongue. You know, though, this interview isn't as ridiculous as the usual shit that comes spewing out of her talk hole. The worst part doesn't come from the mouth of GOOP, it comes from Harper's writer Justine Picardie. Justine drank the GOOP and kept drinking the GOOP until the GOOP started spilling out of the pores on her fingers. I mean....:

We've grown accustomed to the symmetry of her face and her killer body displayed on the red carpet since her catapult to fame in the '90s. But when you see her today, without the distractions of props or makeup or styling, in jeans and a white button-down shirt, Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline. As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.

And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger so I can wet heave and jerk my head until my brain has erased that paragraph from my memory. I bet GOOPY totally served Justine a pizza from her wood-burning garden pizza oven. All of the powers of GOOP lie within that wood-burning garden pizza oven. Or the porcelain bathtub in her bedroom. Those are the weapons of GOOP's mass pretentious. Now on to quotes!

On how she loves the wrinkles that were majorly Photoshopped off in these pictures: "I'll take my wrinkles. I don't like the Botox thing."

She goes on to admit that she gets tons of facials and has done laser treatments. I believe her. Like this bitch is really going to fill her face with some shit any poor can buy with a credit card. Botox is so provincial. If Fishsticks wants to get rid of a wrinkle, she just recites Justine's paragraph above into the mirror and her face will naturally barf out globs of fat that will fill her lines. Voila!

On how she goes on a 12-week detox every season: "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar. I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."

So if this bitch detoxes for 48 weeks out of the year, that means most of the year she spends starving herself and shitting her asshole off. This explains everything. If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole.

On how her father's death SAVED her life: "All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."

On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."

On her anti-feminist advice to her really famous friend (like she has any other kind): "She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It's been all about you and you're a big deal. And if you want what you're saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."

On how her husband Chris Martin doesn't pass his peen around, but one of her ex-boyfriends did: "I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."

The cheating boyfriend is totally Brad Pitt (or Ben Affleck). The actress friend is totally Cameron Diaz (exhibit: A!). And I'm totally going to juice a box of Twinkies and eat a bowl of corn syrup sprinkled with powdered preservatives until my heart is pounding, my skin hurts and cranky is the only emotion I feel. Because if that's this twat's idea of being wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!

If you're 29 years old or younger, then I'm not sure how you'll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn't planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that's what Tim is trying to say).

"I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.

It's very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.

I'm a perfectly fulfilled person, but it's very physiological. I have feelings. It's not as though I'm some barren forest. I don't want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don't. I don't know what's around the corner."

I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "end-all." I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "mind boggling." I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time.

Tim seems happy, even though he hasn't had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that's the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner's face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch.

And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie.

Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light."

So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show.

And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:

What's that saying? A leopard can change its spots? Or is it, a Vanilla Gorilla can't stop being a whore? Well, whatever that saying is, Kat Von D has finally tattooed it to the outside of her brain after a self-realizing journey through the land of obvious showed her the light (and VG's 19th side piece). Kat slipped into the open confessional booth on Facebook where she admitted that she once believed that she could tame Vanilla Gorilla's forever wandering slut dick and prove to the public that he's not just a mutated, lie-filled anal wart with beady eyes and a philandering peen. Kat starts out her Facebook post by saying that if her relationship with VG was a reality show, it would probably be called 19 Skanks and Counting.

Never have I felt so strong about True Love, than I do today. I believe in Love more than anything else, and more than ever before.

Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year.
I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love.

There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people's ability to change for the better. Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible - even in the people who seem hopeless.

I still believe that, even if that change never occurs inside of him - because I see proof of change everyday - in others, and in myself.
I'm far from perfect, but am willing to examine myself, and my patterns of dysfunction, and then put in the work to better myself. It's a daily practice, but it’s working.

Sure, its easy to tell someone, "I told you so” especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love.
I know I deserve a big fat "I told you so,” from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, "You all were more right than you'll ever know” but you were.

Not to worry, I've gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I've ever made, but learned so much from each of them.

Kat then goes on to write that she is sick of being compared to VG's original whore Bombshit McGee, but she's mainly telling us all of this as a way of making peace with herself....and because a bitch could really use some press now that her reality shit show is lying dead under TLC's hoarders pile.

I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place - where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.

I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo - but this isn't about any of that.
This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.

I don't want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment.
Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who's never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).

Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that's the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.

It would be nice to move on now, and kindly thank you all in advance for your support, love, and positivity.

Life is far too grand to focus on the negative and put each other down.

Breaking news: a trash heap ho who tattooed her face so that it looks like the Milky Way gave her a facial had a huge lapse in judgement. Fuck me with a DUH.

Yes, Kat Von D should've seen this coming (the same way her pussy saw a lifetime of stinging as soon as VG's STD stick touched it), but there's really a lesson we can all learn from this. The first time he cheats, shame on him. The second time he cheats, shame on you. The 19th time he cheats, don't fucking WAH WAH WAH about it on Facebook, because we already know, bitch.

Darrell Hammond took me higher with his Sean Connery act on Saturday Night Live, and apparently backstage he was taking himself higher with massive amounts of Lohan powder and whole bottles of Remy. Darrell writes in his autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, that during his SNL days he was a complete stumbling train wreck that couldn't go in front of the cameras unless his mouth crashed into a bottle of cognac. So this is why his Donald Trump impersonation was so perfectly spot-on! This is also why White Oprah just searched "SNL cast member position" on Monster.com

Page Six says that Darrell writes in his memoirs that the fucked up childhood memories that traumatized his brain caused him to find escape in a mountain of coke and at the bottom of a booze bottle. Darrell's desk at work was stocked with Remy and he downed that shit until it "calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head ... when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.” In the late 90s, Darrell had a mental breakdown at NBC and he had to be wheeled away in a straitjacket to a hospital. When the 2000s began, cocaine started making an appearance during his booze binges and he "had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.” One time in 2009, Darrell ended up smoking crack in a Harlem crack house. I can't throw judgmental shade at him for this since I'd probably do the same thing if I had to be Donald Trump for a few minutes every week.

Darrell says he's all cleaned up now thanks to months and months of rehab.

Yeah, I've already seen the public service announcement that says 98.99999% of people who make HAHAHAHAs for a living are knife fighting their demons with broken pieces of crack pipe glass, but this does explain a lot. It finally answers the question, "Why the fuck would you agree to do Agent Cody Banks?"

Back when Kelly Osbourne had a fupa that couldn't quit and an open invitation to join Celebrity Fit Club, she claims that Xtina constantly Mean Girl-ed her by calling her a fat fat fatty bitch. Well, now that Kelly's chunk has slid off of her body and made its way to the thighs of Snookitina, she's returning the favor. Kelly has already said on an episode of Fashion Police that Xtina called her fat for so many years and "who's the fat bitch now?," and she went back for more this weekend. Joan Rivers' brought up a picture of Xtina at the Michael Jackson Tribute looking like Axl Rose as Hatchet Face and Kelly said that even at her fattest she was never that fat. UsWeekly broke it down:

On E!'s Fashion Police Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

But Ozzy's daughter wasn't the only cohost to attack Aguilera's figure. "Lady Marmalade got into the peanut butter again," Joan Rivers sniped.

"I'm looking at this and thinking, 'Well, she's put on weight. This just isn't flattering,'" George Kotsiopoulos said. "But this is just a crappy outfit, regardless. No matter what shape your body is in, it's just bad."

Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," she said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."

Are we sure Xtina didn't murder the life out of Kelly's favorite puppy and use its red blood as lip paint, because DAMN. Kelly is holding onto that grudge tighter than a pair of Spanx panties holds down Xtina's bloated gunt. Yes, the feeling called sweet satisfaction trickles into my dead heart whenever I go on Facebook and see pictures of my junior high school bullies looking like a swollen anal gland with only two hairs on top, but you don't see me gloating all over their statuses. No, I upload their fugly picture to Hot or Not (yes, Hot or Not still exists) and laugh when they don't even get one star. That's what ADULTS do, Kelly!

TMZ says that two weeks ago, the Downtown Women's Shelter in L.A. pink-slipped Lindsay Lohan from their community service program, because she completely acted like a Lindsay Lohan by barely showing up. Judge Stephanie ordered LiLo to serve 360 hours at the Women's Center, but sources say that she was absent to 9 visits and when she did show up she only worked for 1 hour instead of 4. Still not giving one fuck: LiLo is doing it right!

Judge Stephanie put on her serious business face and told LiLo that she better work at least 4 hours at a time and not give the Center any trouble. That didn't happen, so the Center kicked her back to The Probation Department who gave her a new community service gig at the Red Cross. TMZ seems to think that she's now in trouble with the courts, because Judge Stephanie made it clear last time that if she fucked up again, she's headed back to jail. LiLo has another probation progress hearing next week and since she's been doing everything except for community service, there might not be a lot of progress to report.

I once had a job for like ten seconds where I had to read people their tarot cards over the phone, so that pretty much makes me a bona fide future teller of Miss Cleo proportions. That is why I can say with completely confidence that LiLo will stroll into court, Judge Stephanie will give her a gentle slap on the wrist, tell her that next time she's going to jail FOR REAL, everyone will laugh and she'll skip out of the courtroom right after she steals a broach off of a ho sitting in the front row. This happens every single time. Can't they do shit different this time? You know, tell LiLo to stay her ass home and let kittens reenact it or something?

It looks like I'm about to find out the answer to the question "How many contraband She-Ra dolls, Mother's Cookies, tweezers and Footballers Wives DVDs can I shove up my ass?", because I fully expect an entire SWAT team to crash through my windows at any moment and drag me to death row for being a serial cunt word thrower. If this story from TMZ is telling the truth, then all of us will soon have police records longer than our free clinic files.

Hayley Marie Norman, whose claim to fame is being briefcase model #25 on Deal or No Deal, was forced to turn herself into police last week after she allegedly committed an illegal act by calling her ex-boyfriend's new ho a "fucking cunt" in a text message. Heather Mills' own daughter better thank her everything that she lives in England, because if she lived in America she'd suffer a punishment far worse than having to sand and re-stain that bitch's leg every time she called her a cunt.

After the new piece of Hayley's ex went to the LAPD and showed them the text message, they charged her with making obscene or threatening phone calls, a misdemeanor. Hayley could also be charged with vandalism, because somebody spray painted "This girl sucks dicks for free" and "This girl is a fucking cunt" on the front of her apartment and ho thinks that someone is Hayley.

A few things. The new ho is a dim bitch who doesn't deserved to be called a cunt. When somebody brands you as a cunt, you thank them since that's better than getting knighted by the queen herself. You don't WAH WAH WAH to the police about it. It's a compliment, not a crime.

Second of all, if those students who paint house numbers on the curb left a note on my front door that read "As a service to the sluts in this area, we will be painting 'This tramp sucks dicks for free' on the doors of whores in the neighborhood today," I would drop a few twenties in their donation cup. It would save me from having to post the exact same thing on Craigslist.

Third of all, this is obviously a major misunderstanding. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution clearly states: "[e]veryone shall have the right to call each other a cunt without interference." As a cuntorian, I know my cunt history!