You Learn Something New
Just like every part of Lindsay Lohan's life, her latest smack down saga just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Tiffany Mitchell, the chick who had to get a tetanus shot after Lindsay Lohan knuckled her in the face, tells TMZ that they didn't fight over Max from The Wanted, they fought over a psychic reading and a slur. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story was going to give me an opportunity to make a God Warrior reference. SLYCICS!
Tiffany is supposedly a "prominent" palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story would feature a cameo appearance by Florida. Tiffany says that when she saw Lindsay Lohan at Avenue early this morning, she instantly had a premonition. Tiffany's premonition must've been that she was going to get a whole lot of media attention and free publicity after getting punched by a Lohan. Tiffany asked LiLo if she could give her a free physic reading and LiLo shouted at her, "Give me my space." As Tiffany and her friend walked away, her friend heard LiLo call her a "fucking Gypsy." The friend came at LiLo, called her a "whore" and said "Liz & Dick sucked." LiLo went crazy and punched Tiffany in the face. Don't you hate when your friend starts some shit and you're the one who gets punched in the face?
Tiffany's husband, who wasn't at the club, says that "Gypsy" is a racial slur and that LiLo is only mad, because her career is the equivalent of a soggy hairball stuck in a drain pipe:
"We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion ... it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."
Tiffany's husband also tells ABC News that they can't even leave the house, because his wife's cheek is really swollen.
So, some crazy psychic offered a free reading to a drunk LiLo (FYI: Her lawyer says she was sober. HAHAHAHAH.), LiLo turned it down, LiLo called her a "Gypsy," the friend called LiLo a "whore," LiLo threw a punch at the psychic and the psychic didn't duck even though she's a psychic and should've known a punch was coming?
LiLo is a crazy bitch, but the psychic is crazier for going up to a coked-up human train wreck in a club. That is not very professional. Miss Cleo would never.
And if you needed a quick laugh, here's White Oprah's official statement:
"At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter's circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family's bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude."
And here's a priceless video of LiLo kicking her assistant out of the SUV after he bailed her out of jail:
And after reading about LiLo all day, I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I need to stick my face in the ice cube bin in my freezer.
The Kid From Two And A Half Men Wants You To Stop Watching The Show That Makes Him $350,000 An Episode
Regularly inhaling Charlie Sheen's coke and call girl snatch breath would make almost any kid run straight to Jesus and that's exactly what 19-year-old Angus T. Jones has done and then some. For the past ten seasons, Angus has played the half man in Two and a Half Men and it's made him the highest paid child actor in television. But every time Angus gets a $350,00 check from CBS, he happily cashes in it and then washes his hands in holy water, because that money is dark-sided and has the blood of Satan all over it.
Back in October, Angus shot some kind of testimonial for the Forerunner Christian Church and at the 7:30 mark he tells Christians not to watch the television show that made him a child millionaire. I don't watch Two a Half Men, because it's a total shit show. But Angus thinks you shouldn't watch his show, because it's filled with filth and is probably on Lucifer's Tivo To Do List. Dumbass didn't bite the hand that feeds. He gnawed that shit off by saying this:
"Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."
Angus then goes on to say that he doesn't want to be helping the enemy and that he can't be a God-fearing person when he's on a show like that and (insert more Christian stuff here). Angus also recently said that he's signed on for another year and that God wants him there for a reason.
That video is like his audition tape for The Trinity Network's Two and a Half Christians starring Kirk Cameron and Stephen Baldwin.
So basically, Angus is saying he's an undercover agent for God? He's learning about the enemy by working for the enemy? Angus' handler God is totally not going to like that he blew his cover.
And I should've done some research before watching this video, because now I'm afraid of the effects it will have on my brain.
Earlier today, Elmo's former voice Kevin Clash turned his I QUIT THIS BITCH letter into Sesame Street's human resources office right after TMZ said that a second accuser filed a lawsuit against him. That second accuser, Cecil Singleton, is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million in damages, because he claims that dry humping on Kevin when he was just 15 years old left him emotionally scarred. Cecil and his lawyer held a press conference in NYC today and he wanted to make a few things clear: Elmo dry humped him, but they didn't do butt sex until years later.
Cecil, whose eyebrow situation tells me that he's all business, told reporters this afternoon that after meeting Kevin Clash on a gay chat line in 2003, they "dated" for about two weeks. During that two weeks, Kevin took him out to fancy dinners and sprinkled money all over him. Cecil and Kevin kissed, dry humped, fapped and groped on each other, but it never went beyond that. Cecil says he broke shit off, because Kevin wanted a more serious relationship and he wasn't ready for that. They kept in contact and after Cecil became legal, they took things all the way.
This is ten kinds of messy and I'm left with a million questions. Why is Kevin Clash doing this to us? Why were people still using phone chat lines in the year 2003? Why do I wish this can go to trial and be televised on CNN HD so I can watch Cecil Singleton whip his mane as he sashays up to the stand to testify? Is Cecil Singleton half unicorn or full unicorn? Is Cecil Singleton the name of a Tennessee Williams character, because it sounds like one? And more importantly, where is Gloria Allred in all of this?!
Gloria Allred should've sniffed Elmo's saliva on Cecil Singleton's ass from ten thousand miles away. Gloria would've made this press conference so much better. She would've made Cecil act out his relationship with Kevin Clash using a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Cecil Singleton made a huge mistake by not hiring the publicity stunt ringmaster that is Gloria Allred.
For always being wasted from inhaling the toxic fumes that waft off of the red lacquer slathered on her lips, Xtina really does have a clear mind that produces potent dingles of truth. The Hollywood Reporter (via ONTD) hosted a Q& A with Xtina in Los Angeles yesterday and she had a few things to say about bloggers, Simon Cowell and about being a cold hard bitch in show business. You know, I never knew what to write next to occupation on forms ("Dumb Slut" and "Purveyor of Faggotry" don't fully explain all the layers of my job), but now I do thanks to the always eloquent Xtina.
On how she's not into dicks: "I've not actually seen a full episode of any of the other music shows. I saw the commercials early on of American Idol of Simon being a dick. I was like, 'Man, that's not what it's about!' I didn't want to treat people like that. I wanted to do The Voice to show that we can be positive. We don't have to knock people down."
On how she's a powerful business woman: "It's hard being such a powerful woman in the business. I'm known for not always being warm and fuzzy, because you'll just get bulldozed over. You learn to put up this little protective shield, but it's because of something. In my music, I come off as being very open about being insecure, vulnerable and sensitive sometimes. Then I'll go onstage and be this powerhouse force to be reckoned with."
On bloggers: "Now everyone is a critic. I don't read blogs. It's just God-knows-who in Buttfuck wherever writing hate shit. You can't take it seriously. I'm sure you've all been hated on at some point by buttfuck people. It's real talk today."
FINALLY, when I'm at a party, sitting in the corner by myself, petting the cat and someone comes to talk to me, I have something to say when they ask me what I do. I'll proudly say, "I'm a buttfuck person and I write hate shit all day." Now I just have to get on unionizing us buttfuck people.
I even love that Xtina is saying "buttfuck people" like it's a bad thing and that she really wants us to believe that she hasn't let her piece's peen enter the city limits of her Buttfuckville.
I do have a new appreciation for Xtina, though. I like how Xtina can sit there, talking shit about us buttfuck people while her weave is having a heavy flow day. Bitch, get your weave a tampon. If the whole "spinning on a chair" thing doesn't work out for Xtina, she should join us buttfuck people, because clearly she's one of us.
Dita Von Teese can't physically grow body hair since all of her follicles died years ago when she had her skin replaced with layers of porcelain, but she's still out there telling you what you should do with your body hair. Dita has a beauty book coming out and she talked a little about it with Into The Gloss (via HuffPo). Dita's beauty book will include tips on beauty crap you shouldn't do around your dude and she also recommends keeping your nipples as smooth as your pussy:
"My beauty book is going to be totally different from what’s out there. I’m going to tell you that you have to pluck the nipple hairs off your nipples before a date—I’m here to tell you that."
Excuse you, Heather Sweet. You don't HAVE to pluck a nipple hair off before a date. Sometimes nipple hairs come in handy. What if you and your piece just had a romantic steak dinner? What if he got meat chunks stuck between his teeth and needed to get that crap out? If you have a long nipple hair, he can use it to floss the shit out of his teeth and he can give you a quick tingle by licking your nipple knob at the same time. The same goes for b-hole hairs. Nipple hairs lead to fun AND they're fully functional. A nipple hair is nature's floss.
While sitting in an Ikea showroom, Jessica Simpson says in her Weight Watchers commercial that she's on her way to losing all the chunk and she's just a real woman eating real food, and the camera never ever leaves her face the whole time. Will the camera man please take Papa Joe's wrong ass aside and teach him how to stay focused on Jessica's face? Because if Papa Joe shot this commercial, we'd be listening to Jessica Simpson talk about how she's a real woman eating real food while the camera only stayed focused on her real big tits.
Four months after birthing out an amniotic fluid river carrying Baby Maxwell, Jessica Simpson was the first guest on Katie Couric's new talk show yesterday to talk about how Weight Watchers taught her that queso soup with a side of corn syrup cardboard (aka a Pop Tart) slathered in bacon butter doesn't count as a meal. Jessica told Katie that she didn't want to do one of those "before and after" commercials, because that's just not her and she's still 10 pounds away from her goal weight. And because, there were scheduling conflicts with Industrial Light & Magic and they were unable to provide the special effects needed to do a "before and after" commercial.
Katie asked Jessica how much weight she's lost since going on Weight Watchers, but she wouldn't spit out a specific number and only said that she's dropped more than 40 pounds. Jessica said in another interview that she weighed in at 170lbs when she got her pregnant ass naked for Elle. So let's do some math! If I drop the truthfulness and carry the bitch please, I get the number: 130ish.
Jessica's obviously just shouting out any number that enters her head, but she shouldn't. Every time a trick wants to know how much she weighs now or how much weight she's lost since she stopped eating frosting and pie sandwiches for lunch, she should just tell them that the number is written on Papa Joe's peen and we can go down there if we want to find out. Nobody would go and nobody would ever ask her about her weight EVER again!
Here's some pictures of Chestica wearing some flowy dress thing while having dinner at Tiny restaurant (no comment) last night and some pictures of her making her way to her interview with Katie Couric while looking like a middle-aged Texas trophy wife turned born again preacher's wife going to a funeral.
Right before I passed out face first into my pillow last night, I read a mass e-mail from People that said Blake NotSoLively mumbled out wedding vows to talking eight-pack Ryan Reynolds at their wedding at Boone Hall Plantation in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina on Sunday. Then sometime during the night I had a dream/nightmare about a sex tape starring James Franco and a bunch of Plushies in Pound Puppy costumes. When I woke up this morning, I thought the James Franco getting a beej from Plushies story was real and that I dreamed up Blake and Ryan's wedding, because how is it possible for her to get engaged and married without whoring out every single detail for maximum attention. But she did! Down in the Scientology glory hole dungeon, Tommy Girl is wiping away the tears on a hard dick, because it's always a sad day when a beard temporarily retires from the bearding game.
NYDN says that Blake's friend Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine and Bette Midler both sang songs at the reception in a white tent on the plantation. Blake wore a Chanel gown, Ryan wore Hugo Boss, their $3,000 cake was made by Maryland's Maggie Austin Cakes and they flew in the minister from Connecticut. All 70 of Blake and Ryan's guests had to check in their cell phones at the door. Blake's publicist hasn't confirmed any of this, because she's still in a coma after passing out when Blake said "no" to the question, "So you want to get married at the altar on the ho stroll in front of a thousand paps, right?"
We all found out the answer to the question "What's blander than a piece of boiled cauliflower sitting in a puddle of cold tap water?" about a year ago when Blake and Ryan started humping after meeting while filming The Green Lantern. 25-year-old Blake hasn't been married before, but 35-year-old Ryan was once married to that other blonde mumbler with huge chichis, ScarJo.
And I really hope that halfway through the wedding ceremony, the minister stopped talking, all spotlights focused on the back of the tent and every wedding guest turned their chair around to look at this vision strolling in:
Robyn Lively always finds a way to TOP THAT!
"How dare you have the audacity to put on this ode to the 90s outfit without wearing a velvet choker, you rude, thoughtless, little pig!"
You know that voicemail from 2007 that you used pieces of for your ringtone? In the voicemail, Alec Baldwin nearly charred his tongue by rage screaming into the phone at his then 12-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin for not returning his calls. Page Six Magazine asked a now 16-year-old Ireland (seen above with her dad in July) about that crazy shit, and she brushed it off and said the entire thing was blown out of proportion the same way Alec blew his anus off while Mel Gibson-ing into the phone at her. Kim Basinger's doppelgänger daughter went on to say:
“The only problem with that voice mail was that people made it out to be a way bigger deal than it was. He’s said stuff like that before just because he’s frustrated. We almost did something funny on YouTube, of me calling him and yelling at him."
Ireland continued to defend her daddy's acts of HULK rage by saying this about his wonderful relationship with the paparazzi:
“My dad has been going through it for so long, I can see how he gets frustrated. If acting or modeling takes off, and I make a name for myself, I can see how I might get pretty frustrated.”
I think what Ireland Baldwin is really trying to say is that she's saving her thoughts on this mess for her Mommie Dearest-like tell all. I hope. In the meantime, every time she gets a voicemail from her father, she just feeds a bunch of spicy Indian food to a snarling pit bull and watches it fart out a ton of hot air. It's the same thing and less painful on the ears.
If you're lucky enough to be born into Georgia's reigning redneck royal family, you will eventually have an extra something. Mama June has extra chins, Sugar Bear has an extra derp gene, a few of them have extra chromosomes and Chickadee's 5-week-old daughter Kaitlyn has an extra thumb. That extra thumb will totally come in handy when Baby Kaitlyn will have to hitchhike out of there to get away from the mud bog fuckery.
The National Enquirer said that 33-year-old Mama June was throwing some extra shade at her first of many grandchirruns by making fun of the fact that one of Kaitlyn's hands has four fingers and two thumbs, but the sex bomb of McIntyre tells People that she loves that baby, uninvited thumb and all. June the Hutt said, "We have embraced [the abnormality]. It makes Kaitlyn more special to us."
The Daily Mail has pictures of little Kaitlyn's conjoined thumbs (she's got the Abby & Brittany of thumbs!) and they also have pictures of Mama June's 12-year-old daughter Pumpkin dipping a pacifier into a can of Mountain Dew before sticking it in Kaitlyn's newborn mouth.
It makes sense that The Dew is this family's baby formula of choice since Honey Boo Boo is always high on Go-Go Juice, but still. This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible, idiotic and inhumane act of parenting I've ever seen. Do they know how much caffeine is in that can of sugary acid? That baby will be hollering and screaming and bothering people all day long. You're not supposed to give sodie pop to a baby. You're supposed to give baby a mixture of crushed Vicodin, whiskey and NyQuil so they sleep all day while you enjoy your cheese balls in peace. This family, I swear.
Love & Hip Hop Atlanta trick, K. Michelle (Side note: If I was dyslexic and a drag queen, K. Michelle would be my drag name. No, I'm not dyslexic. You learn something new, I know.), shook her head no yesterday at the rumor that nine-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte is tapping his American flag grill on her coochie full-time. K. Michelle says they're only really good friends (Translation: she licks the chlorine off his peen every and and again). Well, according to Ryan Lochte's mom, Ike Lochte, K. Michelle is telling the truth, because she told Today that her son is too busy winning medals and stuff, and he really doesn't have time for anything beyond a fuck and run.
When asked about Ryan's personal life, Ike Lochte was fresh out of fucks to give when she said this about his free agent peen: “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”
I love how she didn't even try to keep it vague by saying that he dates around and doesn't dip into anything serious. Ike Lochte just came out and said he's a hit it and quit it kind of slut. Debbie Phelps has some competition as the Olympic mother who wins my heart. But you know, I'm sure Ike Lochte being blunt as hell isn't going to embarrass Ryan. Ryan is too busy still trying to figure out the answer to the question "What's 7 times 4?" If you watch only one thing today, watch this priceless video of Ryan's greatest interview moments. If a perma-stoned Ryan Phillippe played Joey in Blossom, it would sort of look like this:
So many gems, but my favorite part is when he says that his cell phone screensaver is a picture of his brain.