You Learn Something New

Especially in that picture directly above these words! That's my favorite. Courtney Love is pulling her weave back so that no rogue polyester follicle make its way into her mouth and interrupts her while she's telling a bitch off. Or maybe she's pulling her weave back to suck off a hobo for a Diet Coke (copyright: Lisa Lampanelli).

Courtney has really been on a roll lately. And by on a roll, I mean she's been bathing somewhat regularly. The face of Courtney's Twitter page is that of a homeless whippithead who lives in the doorway of a shuttered Chinese restaurant and throws empty peanut shells at those who walk on their "front lawn." But then Courtney herself goes out in real life looking like this. Yes, that's probably a mannequin's face hot glued over hers, but still!

And I feel like I'm always shocked and dismayed whenever Courtney Love goes out and she doesn't have a stank cloud around her ala Pig Pen.

Here's more of CLove at last night's NYC premiere of Wall Street 2: Money Needs Ambien. CLove is showing people that it doesn't matter if you check "yes" to the "Are you certifiable?" question on the medical questionnaire at the plastic surgeon's office. They'll operate on you anyways!

Wherever James Franco is right now, there's a pretty damn good chance that his chonies are around his knees, his hand is hugging his peen and he's jacking that shit FOR HIS LIFE. So if you've ever been lucky enough to shake hands with James Franco, you now know why he always feels so warm and tingly (lick your hand next time). Bitch is always making his peen barf as though it was his full-time job. Let your brain masturbate on that image for a while.

In Danny Boyle's new movie “127 Hours”, James plays real-life mountaineer Aron Ralston who was forced to cut off his own arm after getting stuck under a boulder. While promoting the movie at the Telluride Film Festival in Colorado, James talked to the Hollywood Reporter and they asked him about the scene where Aron tickles his crotch rock while stuck under the rock. James said that Aron is a true gentleman so he never admitted or denied if that scene really happened. But James is not a true gentleman, so he answered the question (while massaging his wang, no doubt):

OK. You asked the question. [pause] I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel maybe to something like this or for work or whatever, but I’m in hotels a lot for a lot of my life. And I don’t mind it because I have a lot of stuff to do on my own. I have a lot of reading to do for school or whatever. [pause, laughs] You asked! So, when I’m alone, I do masturbate a lot. I don’t know why. It’s like you have those days where it’s just like, I have a ton of writing to do, or a ton of reading to do, and you’re just like, OK, I’m going to be on the couch all day or in bed all day just doing that… I tend to have a four- or five-time day. [breaks out laughing] So, I probably would have if I was stuck under a rock.

You know James is just being modest. 4 to 5 times a day? Double that and there's your truth. James has given me a real gift, because now every time I see a picture of him I'm going to assume he's either finding a way to jack it (examples: hole in pocket or using a vibrating peen sleeve) or thinking about jacking it. Let's try this:

Verdict: Jacking it (the bear knows)!

Verdict: Jacking it.

Verdict: Thinking about jacking it (and oh is he thinking about it).

Verdict: And here I was thinking that James was actually sleeping in that picture. Nope, jacking it. This is where the vibrating peen sleeve played an important role.

It's like a whole new world has opened up! A world where James Franco is masturbating non-stop! This is what Princess Jasmine was really singing about.

I'm going to keep this short unlike Brian Williams' peen. Basically, the man who gives you the news every night on NBC has a big dick. Dick so big that he could give the NBC peacock a concussion just by whipping that shit out. Dick so big that they have to put bricks under his anchor desk to elevate it and make room for his gigantic bulge. Dick so big that most bitches refer to it as Cockefeller Center. HD dick. You get the picture.

Brian Williams talked to Andrew Goldman for Elle Magazine about all sorts of shit and they eventually touched on the topic closest to every rich preppie's Brooks Brothers-covered heart: KHAKIS! Brian said that he can only wears pleated khakis, which led Andrew to put 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches together:

ELLE: Your daughter Allison recently graduated from Yale. What have you done that has most mortified her?
BW: There’s no question that I have an inner Clark W. Griswold. So I have a deal with my wife and two kids that when my shorts move out of the mainstream, or when I wear any pants product that can be construed as a “man jean,” I am to be told. You notice how pleated khakis have become a huge social divider? You see the fashion-forwards going to a plain front, and then you see the pleated community seemingly unaware of this trend change.

ELLE: You still see a lot of pleats in Washington.
BW: DC sometimes lags. Obama’s still rocking the pleated pants.

ELLE: I actually have a close friend in DC who still wears pleats. His wife confessed to my wife that he couldn’t move to flat fronts because his penis was just too large.
BW: Well, I’m with him. It’s a huge issue. Kidding!

Brian Williams is a serious journalist so he should know very well that you should never EVER say the word "kidding" when it comes to peen size. That's a law. But I do like where this is going. We should all know the dick size of every news dude on TV. You know what that means? The penis ruler is in your court, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. I'll hold the towel up.

via New York Observer (Thanks John H.)

In September's Vanity Fair, Lady Caca not only admits to sometimes lining her nostrils with Lohan powder, but she says that she hardly lifts up her peen and lets a dick poke her in the snatch, because she's afraid it will steal all her creative powers. Isn't that how the porn version of Drag Me To Hell starts? Lady Caca said:

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

This explains why she's always seen looking for bloody tampons, used diaphragms and crusty condoms in the trash cans outside of the homes of Grace Jones, Vadge, Dale Bozzio and Roisin Murphy. Creativity must go in the same way it goes out, right?

St. Angie Jo recently told MTV that she got a tattoo on her thigh that is strictly for Brad, but she wouldn't say anything more. And just like that "What does Angie Jo have tattooed on her thigh?" became the greatest mystery that has ever fallen upon mankind.

Dan Brown started to write a novel on it. Detective La Toya gave herself a third world orphan baby plastic surgery makeover so she could sneak into the Brangelina family mansion. Brangeloonies everywhere took a sabbatical (more like a SaBRADical...GONG) so they could devote every minute of their day to writing all of their theories on the garage wall using a blue Sharpie (aka the tears of an Aniston). But everyone can drop their magnifying glasses, because one of Jezebel's readers thinks she might have cracked the code. Here's her theory:

I think it reads Whiskey Bravo.
My logic:
She says : "Um, it's for Brad."
Brad's real name is William Bradley Pitt.
According to the alphabet the military use: William Bradley = Whiskey Bravo

WHISKEY BRAVO?! After all that!? That sounds like the name of a liquor store off the highway in Barstow, California. This sort of sounds right, but I'm still not convinced.

It could be Whiney Butt? Or Whitey Bear? Or maybe Washy Brad? The latter does make sense, because it serves as a reminder to Brad to disinfect his dirty face before visiting her preying vagina. Even St. Angie likes her victims to wash up before she bites them!

File this under: Shit I didn't know, but should've. There's a good reason for why Jeffrey Jones looks like he'll gently sit you on a stool in front of his camera and tell you to focus on the birdie over his lens after slowly taking off your romper. That's because he's done that sort of shit in the past and it landed his name on the sex offenders list. Bitch does look like someone whose passport is filled with stamps from Thailand.

Back in 2003, Jeffrey, who played Principal Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Deetz in Beetle Juice, was arrested after he hired a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit pictures. A judge sentenced Jeffrey to five years probation and ordered him to get therapy. Jeffrey is also required to register as a child toucher every single year. But last September, Jeffrey failed to register (A FELONY!!!) and so the cops busted him. Jeffrey was later released from jail on $20,000 bail. Jeffrey could go to the chokey for three years if convicted.

Now, every time I watch Howard the Duck (which is often, you know) I'll have to hide behind my Chris Hansen cardboard cutout when Jeffrey Jones does that shit with his tongue. Movie ruiner!

If an emotion called jealousy filled you up after reading about how Jeremy London's kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, then find yourself a car with a flat tire and hit the streets of Palm Springs, because apparently that kind of shit happens all the time! That's what Jeremy's wife Melissa seems to think anyway. In an interview with Radar, Melissa says that the nay-saying bitches out there should stop fucking them with the doubt stick, because it could happen to you. "PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!" - Lindsay Lohan

Melissa, who was also kidnapped but later driven home after she started crying, says that she is scared for her life still, because the cops have yet to find two of the kidnapping crackhead makers. Brandon Adams was already arrested and charged with stealing an idea from an episode of Six Feet Under.

Melissa went on to pull all of our dicks, “This is real. Jeremy’s still in shock. He was very scared. People don’t understand that police only have one of the guys in custody. There are still two suspects out there. We’re very scared. I just hope this never happens to them. Police told us this is the new thing to do down here (Ed note: The police didn't tell them that)... rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more.

We’re working with police to get the other two guys behind bars. Brandon Adams has already given a partial confession. As a woman and as a mother, I just want these people behind bars.”

Oh, and about that "mother" part. Melissa and Jeremy lost custody of their son Lyrik, because they named him Lyrik. No, they lost custody because of their addiction to the bad shit. Surprise, surprise.

This whole shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier. But what's even crazier is that this is my 4th post about Jeremy London! It's as if someone kidnapped me in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box and forced me to write about him over and over again. I wish they would force me to smoke crack instead. Oh, well. Maybe next time since this is the new thing.

And the detectives on this case should really investigate as to whether Melissa is in fact a plastic ventriloquist's dummy made by the makers of the Real Doll (SPOILER ALERT: She is).

When Vanessa Carlton, who I always confuse with that Michelle Branch chick, partakes in her first thing in the morning jack-off session, she pictures both a peen and a poon, because she is a proud bi-sexual. Vanessa declared her bi-sexualness at yesterday's Nashville Pride in front of nearly 18,000 people. According to After Ellen (via Towleroad), Vanessa told the crowd:

"I've never said this before, but I am a proud bisexual woman."

To which the crowd said, "YAY! But wait, who are you exactly?" No, of course we all know who Vanessa Carlton is. She's the one to blame for that "A Thousand Miles" song. A song which took me a thousand years to forget and now it's back to stomping all around my head again. I would seriously lick a thousand labias to forget it again. It makes me feel like I'm permanently stuck in a teen series on The CW. But good for Vanessa.

Scary Spice not only has the abs of Jada Pinkett Smith (who also has the abs of the child bodybuilder), but she has a hongray vagina like her too. And just like Jada, she wants the entire world to know about it.

Scary, who is the host of Dance Your Ass Off, told George Lopez last night that she regularly fucks her pussy off. Then she slaps it back on and fucks some more until her husband starts cumming air or until the Crisco tin runs dry.

When George asked Scary what her fitness secret is, she answered, "Your fitness secret...is that you fancy a shag...that you have sex five times a day with your husband. Well today was a busy day, so it was just three. Me and my husband, we're the same age, he is my best friend and I guess we're both just perverts with each other."

Sure, doing serious sexy times does make you sweat like White Oprah in a Carvel, and sometimes your dude might poke in the wrong spot which makes your stomach crunch (that counts as a sit-up), but Jane Fonda will tell you it doesn't count as exercise! Besides, whatever calories I lose from doing that shit comes back in droves afterwards. As soon the jizz hits the wall (depending on their aim), I'm immediately craving a wet nap and anything fried. Some bitches like to cuddle with their fuck partner, I like to cuddle with a two-piece and a buttery biscuit. So Scary needs to stop joking! The only hard object she's handling all day is a damn weight!

via HuffPo

During this whole Tiger Woods whore party, Maury Povich has been sitting by himself in the corner patiently awaiting for the moment he gets to jump up and join the fun and fuckery. Well, Maury's moment has finally come, (maybe) because a member of Tiger Woods' whorem claims that she popped out his secret love cub 9 years ago. In a new documentary set to air in the UK, porn star and pussy peddler Devon James claims that Tiger is the father of her 9-year-old son.

Devon and Tiger fucked on each other for about two years, and apparently he hardly ever wore a condom. A source tells Radar Devon got knocked up and gave birth to Baby Tiger in 2001 before Tiger married Elin. Tiger Woods didn't know about his supposed son until 2006. Tiger has never taken a DNA test or given Devon any money, but she swears deep down in her checking account that he IS the father. Devon says that her baby looks just like Tiger.

If you took your eyeballs out, replaced them with Devon's and then looked at Tiger Woods, you'd see a giant sparkly gold dollar sign. If you looked at Devon's son, you'd see the same thing, so they really do look alike to her.

But seriously, bitch needs to stop. The only proof she has is that he sort of looks like Tiger? Did the kid ask for Ambien for his 9th birthday? Can he text message while running from a blonde woman with a golf club? If Devon can honestly answer "yes" to those two questions, then maybe Maury will need to step in.