Broke Like A Real Housewife

Somewhere in the Crenshaw section of Los Angeles is a parked white van stocked to the top with technicolor wigs that have seen sparklier (in sad times like these, it is okay to make up words) days and dusty coats that look like they were cut from a Fraggle's ass. The white van belongs to the legendary Sly Stone whose license plate is his official home address, because he smoked up most of his money and lost the rest to shady vultures. It is a tragic day in society when pieces of trash like Lindsay Lohan are sitting front row at fashion shows and icons like Sly Stone have to shit in a plastic red cup behind an alleyway dumpster. Although, LiLo probably regularly shits in plastic red cups behind alleyway dumpsters, but that isn't the point!

The New York Post tracked 68-year-old Sly down and interviewed him about how he went from living in mansions to sleeping in a camper parked outside of a house in Crenshaw. Just a few years ago, Sly was living in a rented house in the Napa Valley, but his life turned down Matt Foley Way when he says the royalty checks stopped coming in the mail after his manager tricked him into signing over control of all of his finances. Sly sued his manager for $50 million but that lawsuit hasn't gone anywhere yet. Sly doesn't own any of the music publishing rights to his own songs because he sold that shit to Michael Jackson for a measly $1 million in 1984. Sly also blames his addiction to the bad shit for why he's broke and homeless.

But just because Sly is down and out in Crenshaw doesn't mean he's wishing he could go back to the days of mortgage payments and pissing in his own toilet. Sly says that he doesn't want to be tied down and his soul is happiest when he's traveling around. Sly made friends with a couple in Crenshaw who lets them shower in their house. Their son also drives Sly around L.A. and works as his assistant.

Sly still makes music on his laptop and hopes that a bitch will give him a job soon, “But now please tell everybody, please, to give me a job, play my music. I’m tired of all this shit, man.”

And the hobo paranoias have hit Sly, because he believes the FBI is following him and his rivals are trying to murder him. Lord. As soon as a ho becomes homeless, their brain automatically unlocks the "FBI IS TRYING TO KILL MY LIFE" thought. It's not right.

Yes, I know Sly's mind is off smoking star dust on one of Saturn's rings, but it's a shame that it's come to this. Can't the producers of Dancing with the Stars replace that useless Kardashian with Sly Stone? Can't we excommunicate Ke$hit from society and give her tour dates to Sly Stone? Can't we send Sly up to Canada so he can join The Quaids' Anti-Star Whackers Gang and they can fight the crazy fight together? One of those things needs to happen. Because how can any of us take it higher while listening to Sly's old songs when he's sleeping on a pile of his old wigs in the back of a van?

Lindsay Lohan is continuing her reign as the queen of zero budget commercials shot with a Flip cam in her living room by starring in this sketch for Air New Zealand with a hairy dingle puppet named Rico who looks like something she'd might hallucinate while muff diving during an Oxy and Red Bull binge. LiLo shot this mess while she was on house arrest for violating probation by snatching that necklace and that hairy nutsack with eyes even makes a joke about it.

Yeah, Air New Zealand isn't exactly selling themselves by using a known thieving thief as a spokeswhore in this day and age of airline employees snatching your checked shit. You already have to stroke your belongings and have the "I'll never forget you" talk with them before you check your luggage in. But then again, Air New Zealand has plenty of glamorous jewlings (whatever that is) and I love those!

And yeah, you can add a "puppet" to the list of things that look more alive and healthy than Blohan.

via TMZ

There's not a lot of meat to this piece (the post or Tara) but I never pass up a chance to point and laugh at the sober and refined lady Tara Reid. Mostly because I'm JELLIZ of her many fans and glamorous, elegant, not bag-ladyesque-at-all lifestyle, as captured by this article in the New York Post.

Tara is in Atlanta right now shooting American Pie XXVI and was sashaying across the parking lot of a local Walgreens looking in no way broke-down, busted or used. She was just minding her own business, and pushing her little doggie friend Pasha whose collar is REAL AND NOT RHINESTONES thankyouverymuch along in a shopping cart, when she stopped to ask a couple of the local plebians where she could dine on fine Mexican cuisine.

Suddenly this Walgreens manager who obviously does not know WHO Tara Reid is showed up and demanded that she give them their cart back. RUDE! She informed him in a not-whiney-little-bitch voice that she was just borrowing it, but he said NO! they didn't have that many so she snatched her posh pooch up, threw her regal nose in the air and glided away in a huff.

I can't decide what is the best part of this scenario - that Tara has a job, that she was hijacking a shopping cart, or that she got owned by drug store manager. Why won't the Walgreens manager let Tara be great?? Tara, you show their ass and take your business to Dollar Tree next time where they know how to treat a lady of your stature!

Yesterday, Brooke Mueller hustled hard for clean piss when she found out that she had to undergo an unscheduled drug test in connection with her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen. No word yet if Brooke's scheme of disguising herself as a potty training technician to steal clean piss from a toddler worked, but TMZ is reporting that she had another Intervention moment yesterday. Brooke Mueller might be Broke DrugMueller, because TMZ has footage of her trying to get some quick cash for a fancy watch and a stereo at a pawn shop in Inglewood, CA. Because Brooke didn't bring any kind of I..D., she walked out of there empty handed.

Brooke gets $55,000 a month in child support from the Warlock Jester of Duhville and on top of that received millions of dollars in her divorce settlement, so she shouldn't be that hard up for money. When you're hawking shit for a quick dollar at a pawn shop in Inglewood, it usually means that you need to bail a bitch out of the clink or your dealer refuses to take a handjob and lap dance as payment.

And the video! Damn. Brooke is nervously pacing like me at the porn store when the cashier is ringing up my purchases and I know I've only got $100 on my debit card. You know that feeling. The total is rising to your reaching point and you're saying a silent prayer that one of the crazies from Extreme Couponing would magically show up with a double coupon for butt plugs. Brooke was acting like a serious strung out version of that.

But I'm sure there's a good explanation for this. Brooke volunteered at a child's orphanage earlier that morning and accidentally left her wallet there. By the time she realized this, it was already nap time at the orphanage and she didn't want to wake the sleeping angels, but she really needed the money to adopt a group of puppies from the pound that were about to be snuffed out. That explains the pawn shop visit and the nervous shake (PUPPIES LIVES WERE AT STAKE!)

Or maybe the toddler she was trying to steal clean piss from realized what she was up to and demanded a diaper bag full of cash. I swear, IN THIS ECONOMY, even toddlers are refusing to lower the price of their clean piss.

Just in case you're keeping track, the Original Fergie is still doing shit that makes the Queen want to slip off her sensible heel and smack the Duchess of Fuck Ups in the mouth with it. The Queen is saving the other shoe for Prince Andrew's mouth, because he's part of this latest mess too.

Fergie let out a giant public apology via The Daily Telegraph today for accepting $24,000 from convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein (The Frankenstein's creature with a polyester platinum wig on his head in the picture above. I won't believe that patch of silver came from the same field as Anderson Cooper's!). Epstein spent 13 months in the chokey for getting with an underage hooker.

Just like her dignity levels, Fergie's checking account is always empty so she used the money to pay off some debts. Even though the money smelled like old jizz and baby powder, Fergie still had no idea it came from Epstein. Fergie got the money from Prince Andrew who vacationed with Jeffrey Epstein. Prince Andrew has yet to say shit about this. But here's some of Fergie's apology:

"I personally, on behalf of myself, deeply regret that Jeffrey Epstein became involved in any way with me. I abhor paedophilia and any sexual abuse of children and know that this was a gigantic error of judgment on my behalf.

I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again."

Fergie is officially THAT RELATIVE who borrows money from you and then uses the "I'll pay you back when I can" line even though everyone involved knows that's never going to happen. "When I can" = Never, bitch, so tell your checking account not to miss it.

That bitch will show up to your family reunion in a brand new jacket from Wilsons Leather and $500 rims on their busted ass Oldsmobile. When they feel your glare on their skin, they say some bullshit like, "Oh, it was a gift. Oh, I won it at the office party."

But Fergie shouldn't pay that money back. You know what Epstein's going to spend it on, so she should just wear her new Wilsons jacket around him like she just don't give a fuck.

Lisa Turtle, Zack Morris, AC Slater and Mr. Belding just simultaneously stuck their cell phones in the garbage disposal and turned that shit on, because Screech's financial situation is once again in the caca can and you know he's going to hit them up for a loan. TMZ reports that Diamond Diamond's Den of Dirty Sanchezes is about to be snatched away from him for the third time in just four years. Do you smell that? No, I'm not talking about the rotting scent of your soul slowly dying due to something called the Mondays. I'm talking about the next sex tape that is about to leak out of Screech's asshole.

Wells Fargo has just begun to dance the foreclosure waltz on the front lawn of Dustin Diamond's Wisconsin home, because he owes them nearly $279,000 in mortgage payments. Apparently, Dustin hasn't made a payment since May and so Wells Fargo is coming to collect his house.

Back in 2006, Dustin almost lost his house, so he started selling some stupid t-shirts on his website and later released the worst sex tape ever which featured him smearing his shit butter on some chick's upper lip. So now that Dustin's wallet is empty again, you better believe we're going to get a sequel. And usually, the monsters are scarier and bigger in the sequel.

All of us should just throw a Pamper over our eyes and patiently wait until 2012 swallows us whole, because I don't ever want to see Screech's POOP NOODLE in 3D.

Toni Braxton is Toni Brokeston: The Sequel. There's a good reason for why the right side of Toni Braxton's head looks desolate and lonely. Bitch can't afford a full weave! According to TMZ, Toni has declared herself officially bankrupt for the second time in 12 years. And Toni's credit is really going out with a bang. Specifically, 50 million bangs.

Documents filed in California show that Toni pretty much owes everybody a piece of her "You're Makin' Me High" royalties. Toni has sold 40 million albums worldwide, but she claims she's only worth $1 to $10 million and is nearly $50 million in debt. The list of Toni's creditors include: Two DMVs, AT&T, Four Seasons Hotels, Neiman Marcus, Tiffany & Co, the IRS, BMW, Orkin Pest Control, DirecTV, your mother, your father, all your cousins, etc... etc...

So since Toni is sick of answering the phone in a foreign accent and hiding in the laundry basket in her bathroom whenever the bill collectors come knocking on her door, she has turned the page to Chapter 7.

TONI! TONI! TONI! Who the hell is this bitch's business manager? Bernie Madoff? J. Wellington Wimpy? Toni needs to rid herself of her thirst for Tiffany & Co, The Four Seasons, AT&T, BMW and Orkin. None of that anymore. It's Claire's, Super 8, MetroPCS, used Geos and RAID from now on!

This is what it looks like at the Lohan house right now: the medicine cabinets are bare, the mirrors are completely clean and the Svedka vodka truck did not show up for its daily delivery due to non-payment. That's because White Oprah's main ho is in "desperate financial shape" and is about to snort up her last dollar. So THAT's why the ginger cokeyhead went to a few AA meeting this past weekend. FREE POWDERED DONUTS! Hey, if you hum the theme song to Scarface while snorting up powdered sugar, you can almost get your brain to believe. Almost.

Sources close to Blohan tell Radar that she doesn't have a pot to barf in and the entire Lohan family is feeling it. The source says, "Lindsay is in serious trouble financially. Dina is struggling to make ends meet and pay Lindsay's lawyers and this latest development doesn't help things. Everyone thinks the Lohan family is so well-off, but if they knew the truth, it would be shocking. She's in a tight spot, the family's in a tight spot. It's really a sad situation."

It's times like this that White Oprah wishes Craigslist had a "Buy a Bride" section, because it's a bitch calling sheik after sheik to try to sell off The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at fire sale prices. White Oprah would rather sell her kids' internal organs to cannibals than get a real job. But somebody should still tell her that Fudgie the Whale just posted a want ad this morning looking for a slave to suck the fudgie dingles out of his asshole. White Oprah is at the top of his list of candidates!

Not long after Teresa Giudice and Juicy Delicious of The Real Housewives of NJ filed for bankruptcy, they spent $60,000 on a ton of gaudy ass home furnishings. Furnishings that probably look like they were violently barfed up by a Bombay Company Outlet after it drank a whole bottle of the Olive Garden's "signature house wine."

Page Six got a hold of the court documents which show that the judge in their bankruptcy case threw a side-eye at them for spending $8,000 on curtains and almost $45,000 on other home crap just days after they declared they are broke. The judge stated, "These were not Ikea-purchased furniture items. These were from high-end design stores."

The same judge also refused to stop the auction of all of Teresa and Juicy Delicious' personal shit, but he did postpone it until October 3rd. Teresa and Juicy Delicious refused to comment when they came jumping out of the court house while banging on their chests.

All those tacky home furnishing will look beautiful in Juicy Delicious' cage after the IRS drags him away. But if the prison warden doesn't allow a 14kg knight's armor in his cell, I'm sure it will look gorgeous in the studio above the pizza place Teresa will have to move into.

Prostitution Whore-ah was also unavailable for comment, because she's too busy considering all the "incredible options" (example: Showing her love, light and square tits in the half-time show of a dog fight in Newark) presented to her following the rumor that she's been fired from RHONJ.

Lying down on a tanning bad that somebody else put their crotch on is "skeevy and gross", but The Real (Foreclosed) Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudice obviously got over that for a quick check! Teresa, who is thisclose to being Miss September in the Beauties of the IRS' Most Wanted List calendar, showed off her orange Fruit Roll-up complexion in this commercial for Sizzle Tans.

Sizzle Tans originally wanted Teresa's husband Juicy Delicious to star in the commercial, but he couldn't get on the tanning bed without using a step ladder so they thought that might kill the mood. Speaking of Juicy Delicious, why isn't he out getting new jobs since he's the one who get them into this bankruptcy mess? It's Disney World's busiest season right now, so I'm sure they are looking for a little nugget who can fit into the King Louie costume. Get on that, Juicy Delicious!

via Popeater