International Treasure

And it's world champion corned beef eater Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti. This video from TMZ.com totally clenched it for me. Dude can not only scarf it down (ladies, you know what I'm thinking) but watch him kill two bottles of Manischewitz in just a few seconds. He even has them taped to his hands...now that is the kind of commitment I'm looking for.

Since I am not a professional blogger (read: derr, I couldn't figure out how to post the vid), you'll have to click the link. I tried everything and now my brains have boiled and poured out of my ear holes. Thank Gawd he'll only care about my body anyway.

I love my beer, but I can't even hold a candle to this. Step the fuck off Tara Reid, he's mine! Finally, my soul mate. If he can score the good shit, I'm so on a plane right now.

Anna Wintour usually puts unflavored bitch (see: Blake NotSoLively) after unflavored bitch (see: Blake NotSoLively, again) on the cover of Vogue, so thankfully someone at Vogue knows what's good and blurted out Meryl Streep's name during a brainstorming meeting over bowls of baby's breath (the actual breath of babies, not the filler flower) in the cafeteria of the Death Eaters' lair. The greatest living actress in the world (next to Nicole Scherzinger from The X-Factor) finally got her first cover of Vogue at the young age of 62. Meryl is the oldest woman to ever be on the cover and inside the issue she talks about how when she turned 40, she thought Hollywood was going to put her old ass out to pasture:

Streep, now 62, tells Vogue magazine she was offered three different roles to play a witch after turning 40. She believed it meant women in her age group were "grotesque on some level," and told her husband "It's over."

I'm sure it warms Meryl's insides to see how much times have changed since she was 40. Nowdays, the witch roles don't go to 40-something actresses. No, those roles go to Charlize Theron now.

Meryl's cover should've been a picture of her as Miranda Priestley choking the bob off of Anna Wintour's head, but I'll still settle for this picture of her looking like her bladder just exploded while she was sitting on the beach.

It's been 51 days since my last post about Jodie "The Body" Marsh and that's 51 days too many without gazing at her pinched penis nose and her "fried not baked" ripple tits. The angel of the globe brought her beauty to the The Global Angel Awards in London last night and showed everyone what a Claymation Jenna Jameson would look like if it was beat in the face with a Claymation Sandra Bullock. The answer is the definition of natural gorgeousness.

Jodie sets the beauty trends (OBVIOUSLY!), so soon we'll all be visiting our Craigslist plastic surgeons to give us a melted spade nose and chichis that look like silicone sacks are trying to hatch out of them. If Shrunken Head Guy from Beetlejuice got a makeover on The Swan, this is what it would look like. I swear, Jodie's nose looks like a game of Jenga. I could just scream JENGA!!! at it over and over again while swatting at the hair curtain covering half of her face. Absolute perfection.

As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could've been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn't have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I'm talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I'm thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time.

It's true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that's when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It's like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We're practically family!

NO! Madge wishes! This is the ghost of Lindsay Lohan's future (LiLo wishes!) Courtney Love scarring and scaring the students at Trinity College as she graciously accepts an honorary patronage of the pharmaceutical society (the photo agency tagged it as the "philosophical society" for some weird reason) in Dublin tonight.

The air in the theater was thick with crazy and queefs that contained an undertone scent of metal, and one member of the audience remembered to return his Planet Earth DVDs when he watched Courtney stumble across the stage like an albino otter with mange trying to swallow a catfish head whole. But believe or not, nobody ran out of the theater screaming for their Jesus, because Courtney gave them everything.

In this picture, Courtney showed the audience what most sober people do when they come across her in the wild in broad daylight. In this picture, Courtney is telling everyone to sit very still and not move, because she thinks she saw a coke granule float into the room on a sliver of wind. In this picture, Courtney forgot that she was in a room full of people and did some sucio shit that took 5 Catholic priests and a gallon of whiskey to cleanse off of the stage floor. In this picture, Courtney passed out again while standing up as her nose punctured a new hole in itself for air. Finally, in this picture, Courtney's complex thoughts became too much for her brain to take and she could feel it trying to slip out through her nostril holes. She can feel it! Can't you see it? She can feel it!

What I'm trying to say is that this fucked up bitch gave everyone a whore de force performance! This looks like a corner crackie performing a one whore version of The Birds for the hobos in the park. Courtney is playing Tippi AND the birds. The audience better have stood up and did what the free clinic doctor does after Courtney asks why her coochie looks like that: CLAPPED! Because Court gave them a show! Court also gave them nightmares to take them through the new year, which is why she was kind enough to sell them all sleeping pills she smuggled in from England. Courtney is a one woman EVERYTHING!

Carrying a bouquet of peach pits and wearing a garter belt made of Kelly Taylor's dried lonely tears, Shannen Doherty became a wife for the third time yesterday when she married a dude who looks like a community college English teacher that always keeps wet-look gel and a bottle of Preferred Stock in his desk drawer. Since Shannen is TV bitch royalty and we need an exquisite wedding of taste to cleanse our retinas of the thick layer of skank piss left by the Kuntrashian wedding, her glide down the aisle was shot for her new reality show. People has all the little details you really don't care about. Seriously, did Shannen wear a re-worked version of Brenda's prom dress and did she sing "It's My Party" at the reception? That's the shit we want to know!

The TV actress, 40, who most notably played Brenda Walsh, said "I do" to her fiancé Kurt Iswarienko at sunset, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The black-tie affair took place at a private estate nestled in the hills.

The nuptials reportedly are airing on the season finale of Doherty and her new hubby's upcoming WEtv reality series about planning for the big day.

Shannen was married to George Hamilton's son for a quick second, but their love died after they unleashed the crazy on their house and destroyed it. Shannen then married Rick Salomon and they were together for at least two seconds before he went on to do Lucifer's evil work by making the dead fish equivalent of a sex tape with Parasite Hilton. So hopefully Shannen's third marriage doesn't end with an eviction notice or a fuck tape that doubles as a terrorist threat. I'm sure this one will stick! Shannen is all grown up now and way more educated thanks to Education Connection!

Some of us have already heard the song that made me feel like I was getting DPed in the ears by a bass speaker and a glow stick wrapped in cheesecake and now here it is in moving picture form! Like I said before, Betty White is an earth angel and if she Hitler saluted a blind orphan toddler right in the face and farted out the melody of a Ke$ha song while wearing an I Heart A Nancy Grace Fart shirt made of kitten whiskers, I'd gently escort her to the nearest mental hospital lanai, but I'd do so with loooooooove. So I'm just going to say that the video for "I'm Still Hot" has everything you could ever want from a video: Betty White, cheesecake and succulent man titties that you just want to give a mammogram to.

Oh, and Betty is doing this to raise awareness for the Lifeline Program and some of the proceeds from the sale of the song will go to The L.A. Zoo. So see, Betty is doing it for the animals. Or as my little cousin with a fucked up lisp says, the annniminals.

(Thanks Erin)

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.

One of the most magical things to come out of Tim Burton's Batman movies is when Sean Young, who lost out on the role of Vicki Vale in the first movie after she fell off of a horse, begged Warner Bros. to let her audition for the role of Catwoman. Warner Bros. did the horizontal head shake. So since dignity has never been a friend of Sean Young, she sprinkled fuckery dust all over her body, slipped on a homemade Catwoman suit and went on The Joan Rivers Show to purr plead to Warner Bros. to let her have the role. As Michelle Pfeiffer will tell you, meow didn't work.

Cut to a million years later and Sean is still purging up that act of crazy desperation in interviews and she brought it up again while promoting absolutely nothing on The Late Show last night. While fidgeting like a Lohan during a cavity search, Sean, who is fresh out of rehab, told Dave that she really needs a job and then she played a skit she made on a street corner of her in a Catwoman suit, screaming that she's not crazy. If there's one thing that makes you look certifiable, it's a video of you screaming that you're not crazy while wearing a bootleg Catwoman suit that makes you look like a farting tire.

With that being said, I'd still rather Sean Young play Catwoman than Anne Hathaway. It's that serious.

via The Wrap

Maurice Sendak is best known for writing Where The Wild Things Are? and now he's best known to me for making me say "Andy Rooney, who?!" out loud. 83-year-old Maurice made my soul coo out 8 crusty and chapped hearts during his interview with The Guardian about writing children books, hating bitches and hating bitches some more. Here are just 8 things that Maurice is growling at (alternate title: 8 reasons why I want to make children with an 83-year-old grand cunt):

E-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book."

NYC: "You get pushed and harassed and people grope you. It's too tumultuous, it's too crazy!"

Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."

American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."

Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."

Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."

Stephen King: "Bullshit."

Gwyneth Paltrow: "I can't stand her."

These quotes should be published into a hardcover book with illustrations and read to every single child before bedtime. This is mandatory.