Martha Stewart

This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What's even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley's hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.

Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it's telling the world that you're claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan's slaves. If they weren't monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he's actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle's boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT's purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she's totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.

You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.

And here's others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They're all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT's UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton. 

Every Thanksgiving, Martha Stewart handles a whole lot of raw turkeys with her bare hands. Martha massages a raw turkey on the Today show, she manhandles many unprotected turkeys bareback-style during other appearances and she slaps her assistants on the ass with a raw turkey when they do wrong. This year, handling all that raw turkey caught up with Martha and put her on the sick bed for a while. Martha caught raw meat's answer to the flu: salmonella. While looking at some painting at Art Basel in Miami yesterday, Martha told Page Six all about how she had to cancel her life when she got salmonella.

“I never get sick, but I came down with salmonella. I think I caught it because I was handling so many turkeys around Thanksgiving. I was on the ‘Today’ show, I did a number of other [Thanksgiving] appearances. It really hit me hard and I was in bed for days. It was terrible. I lost some weight, though.

Anne Hathaway just slapped herself. Anne literally starved herself for 13 straight days to look like a malnourished urchin (and to win that Oscar) and she could've easily got sickly skinny just by making out with raw turkeys.

And I'm sure Martha won't make the same mistake again next Thanksgiving. Next year, she's going to chop off one of her assistant's hands and use those hands to handle raw turkeys. Lesson learned.

Leave it to Blake Lively's wedding planner Martha Stewart to the show the overdressed hos at the New York City Ballet Gala last night that the only things you need to rule the red carpet are a pair of Al Reynolds' favorite gardening capris, one of Angie Jolie's muumuus, a pair of scissors and a strange broach/sash thing that can dress up any naked table if need be. Martha Stewart always comes prepared. If there's a boring table at the event she's at, she rips off that broach/sash decoration, throws it in the middle and BOOM: elegance is made. On anybody else, that broach/sash decoration would look like gold tinsel on a layer of bedazzled bunny poo on Mr. Hankey's bloated corpse, but Martha makes it look like the most glamorous bowel movement ever. This is probably the same ensemble Martha wore to her goodbye party at the prison and she hand made the sequins out of gold foil chocolate wrappers and the top is a bed sheet she dyed with you don't want to know.

Here's more of Martha sweeping the tricks under the carpet with her impeccable style. I also threw in some pictures of some lesser thans: Sarah Jessica Parker with a glazed terra cotta pot, Anne Hathaway (looking like Peter Pan after falling into a bush in the Enchanted Forest), Barbara Walters, Anjelica Houston, Iman and Daphne Guinness modeling the same metal neck brace Tommy Girl strapped to Stepford Katie so she could never look down at him.

Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.

Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!

Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.

This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.

On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."

On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"

On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"

On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."

On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"

I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!

First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!

Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.

Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!

via UsWeekly

I've never had the pleasure of meeting Martha Stewart's french bulldog Francesca, but just by looking at her I can tell that the bitch will split your lip if you interrupt her beauty sleep. That's exactly what happened to Martha the other morning, but don't holler for Cesar Millan just yet, because it was an accident. An accident (I'm on your side, Frannie)!!!!

Martha wrote a post on her blog (via TMZ) today about how she caught a sleeping Francesca by surprise when she leaned down to whisper a sweet goodbye into her dog's ear. Just like Martha in prison when her cellmate tried to steal her knitting needle made from a TV antenna, Francesca shot up and headbutted her in the lip. As the blood poured out of Martha's lip, she made a mental note to paint the back wall in her farmhouse kitchen the exact same color. Then Martha thought about stitching herself up using imported French thread, but when she realized that wasn't going to work she signaled for her driver to take her to the hospital!

I called the police to ask for a ride to the hospital, forgetting that Carlos, my driver was waiting to drive me into the city. Carlos and Betsy Perreten, my stable manager, packed me into the car and we drove in the falling snow the few miles to the emergency room in Northern Westchester Hospital, my wonderful neighborhood medical center. When we arrived, I was instructed to lie down and wait until the plastic surgeon on call, Dr. William Nolan, could get there from his nearby home. The pictures tell the rest of the story. Thank you, Betsy, for taking the photos. Thank you Carlos, Alexis, and Mike. Thanks to the hospital staff for their prompt and professional attention and of course, Thank you, Dr. Nolan!

Martha claims that Francesca was all torn up inside for accidentally fucking her ass up. Yeah, here's Francesca being all upset and shit:

That's definitely a "you'll get yours for this" face.

Gangsta bitch Martha Stewart sugar coats a lot of shit, but her opinion is not one of them. The other night, a reporter asked the cuntress of crafts her thought on Sarah Palin's book, etc.... Martha shanked Sarah with her words by calling her "dangerous," "boring," and "a problem." Martha also basically said that she would rather eat a TV dinner on a Styrofoam plate than even glance at Sarah's book. Martha is straight-up!

Martha's bitchy words on Palin comes on the heels of her saying that Rachael Ray is not a cook. Will somebody please ask Martha her thoughts on drunk ass Sandra Lee! My cunt gene is tingling just thinking about.

And in case you missed this last night, here's SNL's trailer for Palin 2012. Palin/Beck 2012!

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.