Martha Stewart

Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!

Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.

This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.

On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."

On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"

On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"

On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."

On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"

I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!

First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!

Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.

Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!

via UsWeekly

I've never had the pleasure of meeting Martha Stewart's french bulldog Francesca, but just by looking at her I can tell that the bitch will split your lip if you interrupt her beauty sleep. That's exactly what happened to Martha the other morning, but don't holler for Cesar Millan just yet, because it was an accident. An accident (I'm on your side, Frannie)!!!!

Martha wrote a post on her blog (via TMZ) today about how she caught a sleeping Francesca by surprise when she leaned down to whisper a sweet goodbye into her dog's ear. Just like Martha in prison when her cellmate tried to steal her knitting needle made from a TV antenna, Francesca shot up and headbutted her in the lip. As the blood poured out of Martha's lip, she made a mental note to paint the back wall in her farmhouse kitchen the exact same color. Then Martha thought about stitching herself up using imported French thread, but when she realized that wasn't going to work she signaled for her driver to take her to the hospital!

I called the police to ask for a ride to the hospital, forgetting that Carlos, my driver was waiting to drive me into the city. Carlos and Betsy Perreten, my stable manager, packed me into the car and we drove in the falling snow the few miles to the emergency room in Northern Westchester Hospital, my wonderful neighborhood medical center. When we arrived, I was instructed to lie down and wait until the plastic surgeon on call, Dr. William Nolan, could get there from his nearby home. The pictures tell the rest of the story. Thank you, Betsy, for taking the photos. Thank you Carlos, Alexis, and Mike. Thanks to the hospital staff for their prompt and professional attention and of course, Thank you, Dr. Nolan!

Martha claims that Francesca was all torn up inside for accidentally fucking her ass up. Yeah, here's Francesca being all upset and shit:

That's definitely a "you'll get yours for this" face.

Gangsta bitch Martha Stewart sugar coats a lot of shit, but her opinion is not one of them. The other night, a reporter asked the cuntress of crafts her thought on Sarah Palin's book, etc.... Martha shanked Sarah with her words by calling her "dangerous," "boring," and "a problem." Martha also basically said that she would rather eat a TV dinner on a Styrofoam plate than even glance at Sarah's book. Martha is straight-up!

Martha's bitchy words on Palin comes on the heels of her saying that Rachael Ray is not a cook. Will somebody please ask Martha her thoughts on drunk ass Sandra Lee! My cunt gene is tingling just thinking about.

And in case you missed this last night, here's SNL's trailer for Palin 2012. Palin/Beck 2012!

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.