Britney Spears

Now that Brit Brit has tamed the crazy, it's time for Daddy Spears to focus on the more important issues in her life. I'm talking about those horrific boots that have traveled all the way from the deepest depths of hell to terrorize Brit Brit's paws. Those boots are made for walking....right into a dumpster!

I don't give a KFed's fupa if wearing them makes Brit feel like she's walking on a cloud made of baby bunnies. I mean, my most comfortable outfit includes a half shirt (with Jem! on it) and old chonies with the part of the ass ripped out, but you don't see me wearing that out in public! Okay, you do, but don't tell Brit Brit that.

And you know that girl from junior high school who wears the exact same clothes she did back then 20 years later? Brit is that girl. Here she is having herself a shopping spree at Target yesterday. Brit would've gone to Wal-Mart, but she knew she would end up at the very top of People of Walmart if she did.

The hardest working Cheetoling in Cheetoland has a new single out this morning called 3. It's off of her second greatest hits collection. Yes, Brit Brit is putting out ANOTHER greatest hits collection. It should be titled CHEETO NEEDS A CHECK. Keeping KFed filled up with deep fried burgers doesn't come cheap, so she's doing what's she's gotta do.

And yes, 3 is all about getting your fuck on with two other hos.. You know that while she was singing into the fan (IN THIS ECONOMY, auto-tune is too expensive), she was thinking of Chester Cheetah and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Yes, Brit Brit's idea of a threesome is sticking Cheetos into Crescent Rolls before shoving them in her mouth. That's actually my idea of a threesome too. Sessy and delicious.

Brit Brit even brings Peter, Paul and Mary into this! Mary just rolled into the grave next her!

And this song would be so much better if we were all rollin' on E with our shirts off while suds fell from ceiling. It's like Brian Kinney ejaculated this song out of his peen hole. Clip below:

As usual, Our Lady of Cheetos was the epitome of style and sophistication as she left Ralphs yesterday. You should curtsy when you see her.

But seriously, who cares about the dress made from my abuelita's sewing scraps, or the butt acne on her chest, or her gobble gobble neck. I need everyone to focus on those wedge flip-flops she continues to wear like she's a day-shift trailer park hooker trying to sex up her look a bit.

Every time my eyes vomit when seeing platform flip-flops on the street, I say to myself, "I know this heifer has paired those things with Juicy Couture coochie cutters that say 'sexy' on the ass." And nine times out of ten, I am right. You know Brit Brit is wearing a pair of those shorts underneath her coverlet dress.

Brit Brit must really hate her feet, because she continues to violate them by wearing the most horrific shit Lucifer (who is a part-time shoemaker) ever created.

During Brit Brit's "Mah Christmas Pussy Is Hanging Out" show in Greensboro, NC last night, she sang Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Yes, she sang it and did not lip-synch. I didn't even think it was possible for sound to come out of Brit Brit's mouth while she's on stage. Yes, she sounded like one of the Chipettes with nasal allergies and was dressed like Bret Michaels just told her that her tour ends here, but at least she actually "sang." Mind. Blown. If she starts dancing on stage instead of walking and waving, we should all prepare for THE END!

And who do you think she dedicated that song to? My guess is that she was singing it to Chester Cheetah, because you know he was bumping it with Betty Crocker on the side. Or maybe she was thinking of KFed and his first love: DONUTS. Just so you know, Brit, several slutty donuts have gone down on KFed in a theater. Sorries.

VIA ONTD

It's been nearly two weeks since we've seen Brit Brit's hocks and loins stuffed into a bikini and I was beginning to get worried (not really). Thank Cheesus Brit Brit was back in a two piece while vacationing with Jamie Lynn, Daddy Spears and the rest of her family in Miami. Yeah, it was a little family reunion. I'm sure they nibbled on possum croquettes and beef jerky ceviche while comparing skidmarks. Regular family bonding stuff.

Here's more of Our Lady of Cheetos with all her favorite Cheetolings yesterday. And no, that fourth martini you had at lunch is not the reason why these pictures are blurry. They're just like that.

Here's a little commercial for the MTV VMAs featuring Our Lady of Cheetos and Russell Brand having a conversation telepathically. Yes, Brit Brit is hearing voices in her head. It's time for Daddy Spears to mix a few more meds into her Velveeta grits.

And yes, I know Brit Brit is in on the joke....I think.

Heidi Montag on who she looks up to:

"I grew up watching Britney Spears. That’s someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.”

In the words of Heidi's long-lost, prettier twin sister Chrissy Crocker: "LEEEEEEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOONE!!!"

And what in the name of Spencer Pratt's butt tampon is she talking about? Heidi should inspire (we're speaking her language) to have at least one working brain cell before she goes off making such big plans.

VIA Access Hollywood

Because August is the month Brit Brit only wears a two-piece, it wasn't a surprise that she wore one while doing the Top 10 on Letterman last night. It's a good thing too, because if Brit Brit puts actual clothes on, Summer will suddenly end. Or is it, if she covered her crescent rolls Summer would never end, because it would be safe for the sun to fully come out shining? Herm.

Anyway, Animatronic Brit read "The Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President." And they are:

10. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Vegas
6. I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance "Circus Fantasy?
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by end of decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.

Who wrote this mess?! I hope the "free pie" she's talking about has a Frapp filling and a Cheeto crust, because this does not sound like the Brit Brit we know and love (or loathe). I mean, no mention of Purple DRANK, delicious dolls, Slim Jims, cheese grits, hanging pussies, Christmas or platform flip-flops?! This is all kinds of wrong.

Another day, another bikini for Brit Brit! This is the third time in just as many days that Brit Brit has been spotted cooling her glazed pork chops with her Cheetolings at the Ritz Carlton pool in Marina Del Rey.

Yes, this is news you need to know. I mean, what if Chester Cheetah approached you on the street with the keys to the Cheeto Palace and said it will all be yours if you just tell him how many times Brit Brit has been seen in a bikini during the past 3 days. SEE! This is news you can use.

Since that is obviously not a rum Frappuccino in Brit Brit's paws, that better be a cherry Kool-Aid version of PURPLE DRANK or I'm not sure if I know who she is anymore. And if I didn't know who Brit Brit is anymore, then I would feel completely lost in the world. Although, I'm happy that Brit Brit knows that the fastest way to getting your skin looking like a glistening pork rind (not to mention getting a bad case of the skin cancers) is to slather your body in baby oil. Fuck all that Sevin Nyne bullshit! That shit is for the weak! Hillbillies are hardcore.

Here's Brit Brit keeping it sessy in a Rock of Love-approved bikini at the Ritz Carlton in Marina Del Rey yesterday.