Britney Spears

Brit Brit is currently touring all through Europe and she took a little time to take her Cheetolings to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It's nice that Brit Brit dressed up for the occasion, but homegirl still looks like your crackhead cousin trying to clean up for a wedding. You know, the cousin who even has a bad case of the sweats in winter time. What I'm trying to say is that Brit Brit looks beautiful as usual.

Yish, Brit Brit is allergic to bras. We know this. Her Slim Jim nipples don't bother me anymore. I'm used to seeing them. I feel like we know each other. I could tell them my deepest secrets without fear. We're like family. Shit, I've seen Brit Brit's pokies more than I've seen my own nipples. And I think it's high time that her weave star in a remake of The Swamp Thing. The role it was born to play.

I bet Brit Brit has no idea that she's wearing a Star of David necklace. She probably just thinks it's "purdy shiny blue star."

Anyway, here's more of Brit Brit and her boys in Paris tonight. I also threw in some pictures of K-WellFed with his girlfriend and the boys earlier today.

In other news, the City of Paris just announced that they are completely out of baguettes....and fries....and pastries....

If my little 6-year-old cousin handed me these pictures and said, "Look what I colored! And I stayed in the lines," I would totally believe her. I would also pat her on the head, give her a losing scratcher ticket (they don't know the difference) for a job well done and then immediately marinate my hand in a bowl of Purell. Kids have cooties. I would never guess that these are actual pictures taken with an actual camera. Photoshop fuckery to the extreme.

This is one of those "fuckit" jobs too. The hos at Candie's handed these pictures over to the Pshop artistes at 4:45pm on a Friday. They just slapped this shit together so they could hurry up and get to happy hour. Fuck, they probably did this job at happy hour. I mean, look at that white fence. Fences aren't supposed to look like that in real real. Although, the fence still looks better than Brit Brit's Kim Zolciak-approved wig. There's a tightrope...

And what is with Brit Brit's horse obsession? This is some Equus shit! Cheeto-uus!

This is Our Lady of Cheetos' video for Radar and it looks like a really long commercial for a perfume you'd buy from the glass counter at a drug store. Seriously, I expected to see "Available at a Walgreens or Rite-Aid near you" flash on the screen at the end.

That being said, there's a breakout star in this shit that totally robbed the spotlight off of Brit Brit. I'm talking about the sessy beast getting watered down at the 1:17 mark! Look at it shake its titties! It's like Sarah Jessica Parker re-enacting the car wash scene from Wild Things! Give this horsey a Skinemax contract!

The only thing this video was missing was a cameo by Harry Potter's peen! I mean, if you're going to have soft-core horse porn, then you MUST have an appearance by DanRad's skin wand. I pressed the HD button on the video hoping it would pop up, but sadly it didn't. Maybe they are saving that for the Director's Cut!

Our Lady of Cheetos (wearing her signature color) went to Bed, Bath & Beyond yesterday with a doody mop on top of her head. At least, I think that's a wig. Either way it still looks like the mangy mane of an elderly horsey who's allergic to shampoo....and hairbrushes.

I hope I'm still alive to see Brit Brit in 30 years. You know she's going to be wearing outfits just like this! Bitch's jerky sacks will be hanging out and her sun-spotted pork rind titties will be sweeping the floor, but she won't care! You will find her kicking a gumball machine outside of a Piggy Wiggly, because it stole her last quarter (inflation). I can't wait.

And I must point out the elegant scrunchie on her wrist. It's elegant and sophisticated, because it's velvet. A FUCKING VELVET SCRUNCHIE!? That shit makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a Judy's listening to a Lisa Lisa song. If Brit Brit pulls out a banana clip next, I will worship her as the new Queen of High-Fashion.

40-year-old James Earl Taylor (Unfortunately, not that one) and his 44-year-old girlfriend Mary S. Childers were having a fight (probably about who was going to siphon gas from the neighbor's pick-up so they could go to Wal-Mart) when they did the UNTHINKABLE! They threw Cheetos at each other! The Shelbyville Times Gazette in Tennessee says that the police were called, because abuse of Cheetos is a serious crime. However, I think the officer at the scene is guilty of the same crime.....

According to the police report, James Taylor and Mary got "involved in a verbal altercation at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault." Holy Cheesus! "Cheetos potato chips"?! Cheetos and potato chips hate each other! A Cheeto wouldn't even let a potato chip lick its peen after a drunken night. That's real hate.

The report went on to say, "There was evidence of the assault. However no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined." Well, at least these two fucktards came to their senses by licking up the Cheeto dust left on their bodies. Never waste the Cheeto dust.

James Taylor and Mary were arrested and charged with domestic assault. They are due back in court on July 15th.

Expect Our Lady of Cheetos to be front row in the court room to speak for the innocent victim who doesn't have a voice in any of this: CHEETOS. You don't disrespect the Cheeto like that! The only time Brit Brit is okay with someone throwing Cheetos is if they are throwing them into her hole (you choose which one). Cheetos were made for love, not war!

(Thanks Stephanie)

Say goodbye to Pizza Hut and hello to The Hut. Actually, let's all say fuck off to The Hut. This is not a change I can co-sign on.

Pizza Hut has announced that they are slowly re-branding themselves as The Hut. Sales have been in the caca box, so they are hoping this will get whores back into their restaurants. Specifically, young whores.

One of Pizza Hut's HBICs told Brand Week (via idsgn), "There's a big trend in general around having confidence in the foods that you eat. People over the age of 35, whose frequency with pizza is declining, said one of the big things that would reignite their passion with the category is to have a pizza made with multigrain crust and an all natural tomato sauce. And yes, we're also introducing another vocabulary word with Pizza Hut, which is 'The Hut.' That ties in nicely with (today's) texting generation. We wanted to make sure that Pizza Hut and 'The Hut' become common vernacular for our brand."

The Hut only makes me think about a giant blob of wet caca with a gaping mouth that eats anything who gets in its path. No, I'm not talking about Tommy Girl's asshole. Seriously, who wants to eat anything that comes out of Jabba the Hutt?

I can understand Pizza Hut wanting to appeal to a different audience, but calling themselves The Hut is not the answer. What they need to do is sexify their image a bit. Put on some lucite heels and strut. They should start going by Pizza Slut. They can even bring back their old slogan: "Gather 'round the good stuff." If they hired the "delivery dicks" from (NSFW, duh) BigSausagePizza.com, I would order from Pizza Slut every single day for the rest of my butt's life.

Since the subject is greasiness, here's Brit Brit leaving London. I hope she's just as upset about this news as I am and records a PSA or something.

When Brit Brit and her Droopy Dog nipples walked into McDonald's in London today those whores better have got on their knees and started worshiping at her feets. Seeing Brit Brit at McDonald's is the equivalent of seeing Amy Winehouse in a crackhouse or Parasite Hilton in a free clinic. A god at their church! Actually, it's also like seeing Brit Brit at a Starbucks, Del Taco, AM/PM, Arby's and anywhere else they sell processed greasy deliciousness.

Ooooooh Chester Cheetah is going to melt down into a puddle of processed cheese smegma after he hears the news that Brit Brit is in love with another man! Then when Brit hears Chester is now a puddle of cheese, she's going to run over there and eat him up with Ritz crackers (GONG!). Need. More. Coffee.

So......People has confirmed that Brit Brit is dating her agent Jason Trawick. For months now, there's been rumors that Jason was rubbing his pork rind all over Brit's deep fried coochieroni. A source said, "They are totally and definitely dating. Her dad loves him. He's the best thing that happened to her. He makes Britney really happy, and he's great with the boys."

Jason is also one of Brit's brother's best friends, so this is pretty much a perfect match for her family. Daddy Spears can now add cupid to his resume, because he probably told Brit that she could either date Jason or the Build-A-Bear he bought her for her birthday. Those were her only choices.

But seriously, this is good news. It's nice to hear that she finally found a man that isn't only using her for her money. Oh, wait. What's his cut as her agent?

And this is also a perfectly perfect match, because if you glance at Jason's last name really quick, it looks like TRAINWRECK. All aboard!

Back when Brit Brit's crazy was out in the open (those were the days), she shot a video for Gimme More that was financed with a couple of WIC coupons. It was the video where Brit looked like a professional twat shaker who accepts Camel cash and bags of Hot Fries as tips. Well, the News of the World claims these are "NEVER BEFORE SEEN" pictures of Brit from that video with her uncensored Cheetoronis out. It's Cheeto vu for me, because I feel like I've seen this before. Or maybe I'm just confusing Brit Brit's chichi knobs with the roasted corn salad I had last week. Herm.

It was a smart move for Brit to cover up her nipples with those classy fake rose tattoos. It just makes the whole look much more elegant and sophisticated. Ka-dooz to Brit for that!

SPF and JJ are proving in the video above that they have what it takes to lip-synch the hell out of a song and wave their arms around just like their mama je'e'! And if you ask some hos, they do it even better. Dust off the Cheeto dust, shine them up and put them on stage! They are STARS!

The second leg of Brit Brit's "Sedated & Loving It" world tour opened in London last night and some of critics did not drink the Kool-Aid. They didn't even sip on that shit.

The Sun said, "A girl walking around, flicking her hair and miming to some average pop songs..... The choreography, dancers and set were top class but blonde Britters parading in her undercrackers was completely uninspiring. Madonna is twice her age and does double the dancing."

UNDERCRACKERS! Copy and pasting to the clipboard in my head.

The Telegraph called it a perfectly staged pop show, but also said, "Lipsynced, autotuned and double tracked, her vocals are as unashamedly pre-recorded as her backing tracks. Although there appear to be various balding middle-aged men bashing away in the orchestra pit, there are no actual musicians onstage, if you discount a dwarf and a bodybuilder miming guitar. This is as unabashedly fake as a diamanté crown."

And this is what The Guardian had to say, "The costumes are pretty skimpy and there's nowhere the set designers haven't contrived to put a pole for her to gyrate around. And yet there's something unsexy about all of it, possibly because there's something weirdly characterless about the woman at its centre: you'd happily trade some of the special effects for the sense of Spears actually engaging with her audience rather than slickly going through the motions."

What do they expect?! I know they want to see the kind of natural performance Brit Brit's Cheetolings give, but it's kind of hard to do that when you've got enough ludes in your system to even put Aretha Franklin's magnificent chichis to sleep. Suck on a Cheeto, have some PURPLE DRANK and enjoy. You can cry later when the realization that you spent time on this shit sinks in.