Britney Spears

On her show today, Ellen Degeneres aired a little segment she did with Brit Brit Spears of them going caroling around some neighborhood in Los Angeles. Okay, if Brit Brit showed up to my front door, I would run to my kitchen, hide my bag of Cheetos and then run to my bathroom and hide all my meds. Did you know that some bathrooms have lock boxes built into the medicine cabinet now? That is a genius idea, because so many dumb bitches will take your good meds without even feeling guilty. That's why you gotta hide that shit in your crotch area or something when people come over, because they will search high and low for a little Vicodin or Valium. Trust me. I'm one of them.

Anyway, Brit and Ellen visited one house in the clip above and I think that's Bit Bit (skip to the 4:00 mark)! Bit Bit was Brit's dog when she was still bouncing on KFed's jerky stick. That dog seriously looks suspiciously like Bit Bit. It was also giving shade to Brit. And Maybe Bit Bit gave Brit the "Bitch, You Know That I Know" look. If the pooch is Bit Bit, he's looking a little on the voluptuous side, but it's nice to see that he has a bird friend now. He's used to dealing with bird brains. I mean, he used to chill with Brit.

And how is Brit Brit opening her mouth without a track to lip-synch to? She's not even using auto-tune. It's a Christmas miracle! A Christmas miracle that has probably killed a few dozen angels thanks to her natural voice.

So....Lily Allen has done a classy cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah," because covering sugary pop songs in a moody way makes you look like a true artiste who can make any old song sound like a musical masterpiece. Or something like that. Don't get me wrong, Lily's voice is a millions Frapps better than Brit's computerized Wall-E warble, but it's "Woomanizah" not "Womanizer." Lily's saying it all wrong. "Womanizer" doesn't bring up images of Brit Brit chasing Chester Cheetah around with a broken off tree branch.

Hopefully, Lily's cover is one of the last we'll ever hear again, because this song is still taking up precious rental space in my head. (UPDATE: And here's LadyHawke's version..... Make it stop! She sounds like she's running a fucking marathon barefoot while singing this shit.)

This song needs to be wheeled away to Shady Pines where it will spend the afternoons playing shuffleboard and spend its nights participating in coke-fuelled orgies (they totally do that shit in retirement homes).

Okay, I just listened to Lily's version again and I....might....like....it. No!!! That song needs to be gone from mah head!

And here's a few pictures of the little Cheetoling arriving in Tokyo yesterday. I double checked to make sure there was a Starbucks in Japan, because I feared for her health. And I also threw in some pics of Lily with the Abominable Snowman's dick bush on her head while shopping in London yesterday.

Our Lady of Cheetos and her lil' Cheetolets posted a Christmas greeting on her website to all her fans complete with a holiday burp from JJ. Too many Frapps. While doing the Adderall sway, Brit Brit says "Thank you...as my son burps" and then she kisses him on the forehead. There was a totally a mattress below JJ just in case....

And I've got a double feature for you! That's if your head didn't explode from all the excitement Brit Brit's Cheetomas greeting brought you. Since this post is about our favorite lil' hillbilly possum, here's a chunky hedgehog floating in a tub. Hedgehogs are sort of like possums. Okay, not really, but I needed a reason to post this! You may want to hit "mute," because the voices will echo in your head for hours after. Although, put the sound back on at the 4:00 mark, because the lady sounds like NELL! Teeeeeeeaaaha-in----da--wiiiiiiind.

(Thanks Susannah)

There's going to be a big possum cookout in the Spears family backyard today because Brit Brit has the #1 album in the country! Daddy Spears is probably dancing around in his wife beater and singing, "Slap me wif a ho'nee beavah! Mah li'l Cheeto is numbah one!"

Circus sold a little over 500,000 copies in its first week. This gives Brit Brit the second-biggest debut by a chick this year. Taylor Swift has the highest-selling debut. Circus is also on track to become the seventh-biggest debut of 2008.

Brit's tour is also selling out. They've added new dates in London, Los Angeles, New Jersey, Chicago and Toronto.

I tried to buy tickets for this shit, but I'm not taking over $100 from my booze fund to stand the entire time. Now, I like to be up close and personal, but most of the floor area is standing only. I don't know how to stand that long. Sorry. My legs are on a timer. They give out after 30-minutes.

During Brit's possum bbq today, she better give a speech and thank Daddy Spears, the good people at Forest Laboratories and whoever invented lip-synching and auto-tune.

Source

The glittery gays of YouTube have already spread their twinkle jelly all over Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Cock Ring On It)", so they have moved on to Brit Brit's "Circus." The twinkie above made his version extra special with water and light effects. The production value is higher than Brit Brit's video!

I wish I had a defibrillator handy during several moments in this shit. At the 0:42 mark, he changes the mood with the flip of a switch and Diet Rite came pouring out of my ears. At the 2:40 mark, the clothes start coming off and I had to make sure Chris Hansen wasn't standing behind me. I need to see some ID!

The moment that takes the fucking cake and smashes it to the ground is at the 3:30 mark when this ho welcomes a special guest. I needed two fucking defibrillators to bring me back after seeing that fuckery. You know the special guest was pissed!

Thanks Christian

When I first saw this video, I immediately screamed that I finally found the perfect Christmas pressie for Brit Brit Spears, but then I remembered that she's no Cheetos novice. No. Brit Brit has a full room filled with hundreds of these Cheetos Pets. There's nothing she loves more than locking herself away in her Cheetos Pets room after a long day. She cuddles next to them, brushes their cheesy locks with her tongue and even takes them for a walk in her backyard. She bawled for hours when SPF accidentally ate one.

The first single off her new album was a lullaby dedicated to her Cheetos Pets, but the label nixed it. Cheetos H8RS!

And now the Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheetos song will be in my brain area the entire day. Hey, it's better than Woomanizah!

Below is Our Lady of Cheetos with her kids at FAO Schwartz in NYC the other day and at some tree lighting in L.A. last night. You can tell in her eyes that she can't wait to get to her precious Cheetos Pets.

I'm grateful that Brit Brit has a new song and video out, because maybe this means they'll stop playing that "Woomanizah" shit everywhere I go. I go to Duane Reade, they're playing it. I go to the free clinic, they're playing it. I'm doing sexy times, the dude is humming it. It won't leave my brain area. This "Circus" song isn't as catchy, so hopefully little babies won't be burping the chorus to it when I'm walking by.

I never really cared for the circus, so this video really isn't making me produce any panty pudding. The circus always scared me. One time my mom took us to the circus and bought us some clown flashlights or some shit. For some reason, my mom didn't want us to play with them all the time so she put them high on some bookshelf. My sister and I thought we were fucking action stars, so we climbed the bookshelf. Well, the shit came crashing down on us and we almost died! Died, I tell you! This video just makes me flashback to a huge bookshelf falling on my face. I blame it on the circus.

But there is lions in this video and I like those! Although, Chester is going to be fucking pissed off as shit that she didn't use cheetahs instead. That was dead wrong.

Click here if you can't see the video above

VIA ONTD

Brit Brit celebrated her 27th birfday in NYC last night with a party attended by a bunch of people she doesn't really know. Let's see...Lance Bass was there, so was Heidi Klum, a dude from Lipstick Jungle and a few Victoria's Secret models. Basically, the party was filled with bitches her record label invited.

Unfortunately, Brit didn't recreate the picture above, taken last year for her birfday. Maybe her eyes can't do that anymore because of all the meds. That would be surprising, because when I'm hopped up on a delicious cocktail of dolls, my eyes only do that. I've even tried to pry them apart with my fingers, but they just go right back. Brit must have that side effect under control. Although, in the pictures below her titties kind of look like they are going cross eyed. Or maybe they are just trying to pop out. They miss the old days where they could just jump out whenever they wanted to. Daddy Spears probably has them sedated too, so they won't try any of that shit.

Below are also some pictures of Brit at rehearsal for the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting tonight. I wish I was there so that I could pour a little cinnamon sugar on her bun. You know she would've tried to eat that shit! And yes, I think Brit looks purdy here. No, I am not on a Frapp high.

It's Cheeto hillbilly week and KFed wants to get in on the action. Since Brit Brit is starting to look a little saner (sort of), KFed decided he needed to look even saner. In this week's People Magazine, the perfect dad (*eye roll to the left and right*) talks about his life with Brit and in doing so, he made my eyelids heavy and my head drowsy. Seriously, you're going to need a little speed shot with your coffee in order to get through this shit. I think I sort of fell into a slight coma at the end. You might want to have an adrenaline shot standing by.

I've picked out a few quotes that aren't completely coma-inducing.

KFed on what went wrong with his marriage to our little Cheetoling:

It's hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I'd become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important ... I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

KFed on bitches thinking he only wanted custody of the kids for cash reasons:

My first question to [my lawyer] was, "Am I ever going to be able to see my children?" I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.

KFed on the night that Brit lost her Cheetos and was throw into the loony bin (awww, memories):

That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her 'cause I care about her. That's the mother of my children. Just because I'm not in love with her doesn't mean that I don't love her. I'm definitely rooting for her. There's nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

Yes, KFed! You're the father of the millennium! Everyone should hand their kids over to you, because you do it best.

What pisses me off is that People didn't ask him the most important question of all questions: will there be a follow-up to Popozao? It's not like the bitch is doing anything, but eating (obviously). He can take the money he made from this boring ass interview and produce a sequel! And I'm sure he can channel some of that raw emotion he felt when Brit Brit divorced his ass to put together some extremely powerful.

People also should have asked him to name his other kids. You know, the ones he doesn't get paid to take care of. He would've uttered a few dozen "ums" and finally just blurted out "POPOZAO!"

Maybe it's because I'm used to seeing her look like she just crawled out of the swamp, but Brit Brit looked sort of hot on Good Morning America today. I never thought I'd ever type those words again! Yes, I know her abs came courtesy of Janet Jackson's rib remover and Mimi's ab-brush artiste, but still!

As for the rest of her performance, well.....she did a good job walking around, throwing her hands in the air and moving her mouth. She gets an A++ in walking. Although, she kind of looked like she was doing the "Ahs Gotta Tinkle" pace. Brit Brit also gets high marks for adjusting her mic even though it wasn't even on! She is a true lip-synching pro! Too bad that show Puttin On The Hits isn't on anymore. She would've been a top contender for the grand prize.

Below is our little Cheetoling's performance of "Circus." When one of her dancers tossed popcorn in the air, I expected her ass to start catching it with her mouth. Sadly, she didn't. Also, click here to watch her perform "Woomanizah," but it's exactly like all her other performances of this shit. You know, my mom was talking about that song the other night, but she has an accent so it sounds like she said "WOMBanizah." That has changed the entire song for me. Now I picture a loose fetus bouncing from womb to womb.