Brats

Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.

So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.

Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.

Nothing comes between a HONGRAY granny and her morning bacon, not even 9 year old little kids!! The Smoking Gun reports that Marilee Ann Kolynych caught a case of the NOT THE ONE when her 9 year old grandson "ate too much bacon at breakfast" and had to open up an Ensure sponsored can of WHOOP ASS!!

According to the Clifton Heights Police Department, Kolynych chased the boy out in to the yard, tackled his ass to the ground and sat on him while spraying a water hose in his face. Bitch don't play. The boy finally broke loose of memaw's claws of death, ran across the street to a neighbor's house and called his mother.... WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT OF THE MEMAW'S HOUSE!!! Granny is free on bail awaiting a July 7th hearing.

You know, when I was kid my memaw would make me go "fetch a switch" from a tree so she could beat my ass with it. Deciding whether to get a thin branch or a thick branch was the torture. A thick branch is a total BEAT. DOWN. and a thin branch sliced through your ass like buttah... I think I would have rather had the hose!!!!

Nothing like a heartwarming video death threat to serenade us out of 2010's back door. Above is Raz B's brother Ricky Romance threatening to stick the head of his pistol into Chris Brown's gaping mouth hole because of a Twitter bitch fight that went down last night. Where is my kindergarten teacher to separate these asshole children and stick them in different corners of the room without a snack! Yup, no saltines and peanut butter for you, bitches!

In case you don't know, Raz B of B2K has accused his ex-managers of molesting and raping him and his groupmates. Raz B has been very vocal about these allegations and Chris Brown used it during last night's playground tether ball throw down. It all started when Raz B flirted with RiRi via Twitter and typed out this: "Im just sittin here Thinking how can niggas like @ebenet & @ChrisBrown disrespect women as Intelligent as @HalleBerry11 @Rihanna."

And that's when Chris Brown showed everyone what he learned in anger management. Instead of taking a deep breath, counting to ten and squeezing a stress ball between his nalgas, Chris unleashed this:

@razb2k nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy

Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won't complaining about getting butplugged! #homothug!!!

I ain't deleting my tweet either!! I was minding my damn business and Peter pan decides to pop off!!! # whatalame

I'm not homophobic! He's just disrespectful!!!

merry christmas.i just gave you 20 thousand more followers.. u shouldve did this first instead of telling the world you got raped.

LOVE ALL MY SUPPORTERS and people who know my heart.HOMOPHOBE?c'mon,find a better tactic.thats pure ignorance and stupidity. i love everyone

And here's a few of Raz B's shots at Chris Brown:

Ur not homophobic, ur juz homosexual on the low!

@chrisbrown you steady talking about your career and homothugs but you have yet to respond about your boyfriend @Andre_Merritt

@Chrisbrown Since you took this that far! Dude, i wasnt Raped! what a disrespect to every Kid around the world that has been Molested!!!!!

@chrisbrown u victimize victims, ur a homophobe, ur on the down low & a woman beater. Merry Christmas & thx 4 showin every1 ur true colors

@chrisbrown how do u defend urself in that manner bro? I forgive u but u hve alot of pple 2 apologize to. u offended alot of abused pple

And this just in! Chris Brown just played the "I'm not a racist! My cousin's friend bought a car from a black guy once!" card:

http://twitpic.com/3l8uw5 this is one of my homosexual friends who died in 05.. so stop with this nonsence.. it was an immature argument!!!

What more can I add? Chris Brown is already mouth deep in the hole he just dug himself... However, I will say that ironically enough, "Nonsence" is a great name for an all-gay R&B group.

via HuffPo

16-year-old Taylor Momsen doesn't give a FLYING FRENCH TOAST (she's not allowed to say the word "fuck" until she turns 18) what you think about her smoking cigarettes.

Go ahead and put her on restriction for two weeks! Taylor is still going to smoke right in your face! Send her to military school! That won't stop her. Throw her ciggies in the toilet, and she'll roll up her Pee-Chee folder and smoke that! Bitch is living her life like a Pink song (that's as hardcore as she gets)!!!!

Taylor tells the edgy rock 'n roll magazine Parade:

"I don't read that crap that describes me as having an attitude, but I don't know why that's a bad thing. Attitude is in the eye of the beholder. I didn't get into this to be a role model for 7-year-olds. I have no interest in doing that, you know? If parents don't like some of the stuff I do then they shouldn't let their kids watch me.

I smoke, so what? Why do people give a shit what a 16-year-old girl who they've never met does? It's not like I'm sitting there going, 'Kids, you should go buy a pack of cigarettes.' When I walk outside with a cigarette and someone takes a picture of it and puts it on the Internet, its not my problem. I'm just living my life and I'm not gonna live my life for other people."

This sounds like something I'd say when I was 16. But instead of saying "smoking cigarettes," I said "drinking Mountain Dew," because my mom banned the stuff. Okay, I said it last week.

(Image source: L. Gallo/WENN.com)

Lisa Marie Presley ejected twin girls out of her body on Friday night and now we know their names. Star Magazine claims Lisa and her Tommy Petty-wannabe husband have named their bundles of joy Harper and Finley.

Okay, what's with celebrities giving their babies talking animal names? Julia Roberts set the trend by naming hers Phinnaeus and Hazel. Minnie Driver continued that fuckery by naming her kid Henry Story. And now Lisa Marie and her goofy ass husband have named theirs Harper and Finley. The next celebwhore to pop should keep it going by naming their baby Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, Jemima Puddle-Duck or Squirrel Nutkin.

Well, at least when Harper, Finley, Phinnaeus, Hazel and Henry Story get older, they can form a band like the fucking Brementown Musicians. Either that or they can all move to a village in the forest together where they'll work as old-timey cobblers and milliners.

Did you hear a loud boom yesterday? No, it wasn't your drunk roommate falling in the tub again. It was Lisa Marie Presley pushing out her twin girls. FINALLY! She was the size of one of Aretha Franklin's mega chichi balls. That's a whole lot of woman. And she looked like she was ready to bite off her husband's head at any moment. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing considering all the stupid fucking hats he wears.

According to Star Magazine, Elvis' 40-year-old daughter gave birth to twin girls at Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA yesterday. Her two other children, Riley and Ben, were there for the birth of their new sisters. LM's husband, Michael Lockwood, was by her side the whole time. Ugh. Didn't that make her sicker?! I'm sure he was wearing one of his stupid ensembles. He's always looking like the short bus version of Tom Petty. I guess that didn't bother LM since she managed to give birth without any problems.

A source said, “Lisa Marie is mom to four now! She’s feeling good, a little tired too. She is so happy and Michael is ecstatic. He’s wanted to be a dad for so long. This is his dream come true. There was no drama. The babies are healthy and beautiful. Ben was seen pushing them down the hall in their cart and cooing to them"

The source didn't say what the twins' names are. What good is this source?! That's all that matters. Lisa Marie should name her twin girls after her lovely mother Priscilla. She can name one Restylane and the other Botox!

David Spade's ex-fuck buddy, Jillian Grace, gave birth to their baby in Missouri on August 26th. The baby's name hasn't been announced.

David found out about the pregnancy earlier this year and said that he would take responsibility if the baby proves to be his. I guess the baby is his, because his spokesbitch issued this statement to People: "David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement."

How sweet. He'll see the baby when he can. I'm sure he did send baby a few baby vomit napkins from Petit Tresor. That shows that he cares. And what in TV hell is "Rules of Engagement" anyway? My Tivo is even shrugging its shoulders to that question. Wasn't that a movie with Anne Archer?

Okay, now that David Spade has produced a baby, it's time to fix him. Spay the Spade! I know, it's really "neuter the Spade," but that doesn't have the same special ring to it.

Source: E! Online

Jason Lee's girlfriend Ceren Alkac popped out a baby girl on August 10th. Unfortunately, we don't know her name yet. This is the couple's first. This is also very important news for me, because I cannot wait to hear what they have named her. As you know, Jason already has a 4-year-old son named Pilot Inspektor with some other broad.

These two look pretty creative so I'm hoping they completely outdo the name Pilot Inspektor. They have their work cut out for them now that Lunesta Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale has entered the world.

When Pilot was born, Jason said they came up with his name after listening to Grandaddy's 2000 album The Sophtware Slump. Jason said, "The opening track, 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot,' absolutely blew my mind when I first heard it."

Please tell me they've been listening to a lot of ABBA! Chiquitita Enchained would be the best name ever. I have faith in Jason. He'll deliver an unforgettable name and it will be dazzling. Watch him name her "Jennifer" just to fuck with us.

Source: UsWeekly

Well, not Matt Damon himself, but his wifey had a baby. You know what I mean! People confirms that Matt's wife, Luciana, popped out their second baby in Miami today. They named her Gia Zavala. So she's either going to be a mobster's wife, a tough-talking manicurist or a troubled supermodel.

Matt's spokesbitch said, "Everyone's doing great. She is a healthy baby girl." Just add another chick to the Damon household. They already have two daughters, Isabella and Alexia.

Congrats to these two pieces of boiled broccoli! At least new baby Gia will sleep well since she's living in the most boring house in America.

And you already know how I'm going to end this post. MORE BABIES!!! I'm seriously going to open my window and scream, "BABIES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD. RUN!!!"

Ethan Hawke and The Nanny said "fuck it" today by not even trying to cover up their little baby's face from the paps. Obviously, they've decided not to whore out their baby in a magazine. Ethan should have tried to work some kind of deal. He could have gotten a meal voucher from T.G.I. Friday's or possibly half of a joint. Oh well, maybe next time.

Here's more of Ethan, The Nanny and 1-week-old Clementine Jane in NYC. She's precious. It's a good thing she didn't inherit her daddy's greasy meth face. Seriously, he looks like he should be selling me an 8-ball, not carrying around a little baby.