Lisa Rinna

The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:

Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.

Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.

When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.

After years of making Preparation H tubes ejaculate at the sight of the swollen hemorrhoids on her face, Lisa Rinna has finally done something about it. On Today (via UsWeekly) this morning, Lisa Rinna admitted that in August she went to a dog groomer and asked them to gently stick their thumb in her mouth to squeeze her full anal gland sacs. No, Lisa went to a plastic surgeon who sucked the silicone out of her upper lip. I'm not even going to describe what that smelled like. It's always too early for that.

Lisa told Meredith Vieira this morning, "My lips started to define who I am. That bothered me... I took a big hit for being honest. It gave everyone online permission to lambaste me. It hurt my feelings."

Lisa says that her lips are no longer "bumpy and lumpy" like The Situation's soft dick. Lisa was told that her lips will take up to 6 months to fully heal and smooth out.

FINALLY. It had to be done, because Lisa's lips really did look like the back of a baboon lounging on its side. Now whenever Harry looks at Lisa when she's going down on him, he won't feel like he's watching the Discovery Channel.

(Image from 8/5/10 via Wireimage)

Those malicious paps are not right for telling Ceiling Eyes to look in the opposite direction of where her "career" is going at last night's UsWeekly party in Hollywood. Ceiling Eyes is already permanently staring into space, so when she looks up her eyes get stuck.

It took hours before they were able to get her eyes back to the place where they belong. They dropped an anvil on her head. No movement. They dangled a "buy one implant, get one free" coupon below her. Nothing. Things were looking bleak, but then someone got the bright idea to call Spencer Pratt and ask him to stand on a ladder above Ceiling Eyes and flash his chocha at her. Eyes dropped in a millisecond flat. Crisis averted. Spencer saved the day.

Here's more completely relevant celebrities at last night's party including: an elegantly dressed Angela Simmons, Bridget Marquardt, Drag Race reject Ciara, future VH1 reality star JLo with Skeletor, Hemorrhoid Rinna, a creature from the herp lagoon, Aubrey O'Wildenstein and Kelly Osbourne with her piece.

In 2004, Liza Minnelli's former chauffeur M'Hammed Soumayah sued her for $100 million, because he claimed she forced him to cum up her roses. M'Hammed said that Liza not only sexually harassed him, but she spit on him during drunken rampages. According to M'H, Liza threatened to send him to the back of the unemployment line if he didn't wipe the spit off of his face, rub it on her pussy and make it ziiiiiiing.

Well, the New York Post brings the news that Liza and M'Hammed have settled the $100 million lawsuit for an undisclosed sum. M'Hammed was making around $283,000 as her chauffeur.

The image of Liza playing with her nipples while saying, "It's M'Hammed Time! You CAN touch this," is going to get me through the day. Or it might be the death of me.

If they ever made a horror version of My Chauffeur, they can use this story as inspiration.

Lisa Rinna's face is usually covered with ten shades of lead paint, Spackle, plaster of Paris, resin and adobe mud, so she decided to Tweet a picture of herself in her natural state before the team from Extreme Facemakover arrived to work their magic on her. Lisa wrote:

"This is what it looks like before beauty team arrives. Just keepin it real ppl!"

Lisa Rinna in all her painted glory looks like she's about to get her wig snatched by a really hot Miss Gay Brazil contestant. And Lisa Rinna SANS FARDS looks like a zombie who just woke up after being frozen for 100 years. I'll say she looks better SANS FARDS since her lips don't totally look like they are filled with anal gland fluid like they do when she's got them painted up.

But honestly, this post was just an excuse to use "SANS FARDS" again.

via Jezebel