Elin Don't Play

One day you're wiping up another child's barf as the nanny, then you're humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you're chasing him down with a golf club and then you're bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way.

TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice's "living in a used house is gross" way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement.

Isn't this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game.

But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you....ALANA!

“I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!" is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child.

The billionaire businessman who is reportedly in a 6-month-old relationship with Elin Nordegren denies that he's been to two places Tiger Woods has been before. TMZ reported over the weekend that Tiger Woods' main mistress whore Rachel Uchitel screwed on Elin's current boyfriend, Jamie Bergman, two months before the Ambien hit the fan. When Elin found out about this, she freaked out at how Rachel's snatch seems to be following her wherever she goes. Elin can't even lick on Jamie's dick without seeing Rachel's vagina flaps laughing at her. So what is Elin's new boyfriend doing to soothe her rage? Denying it, of course!

Jamie's friends say that he did go down to Miami in October 2009 with Rachel, but it was strictly business. Jamie and Rachel were working on some kind of investment business together. Rachel told TMZ that she already bagged Jamie, but his friends say she's lying. However, some sources who stayed at the same house as Rachel and Jamie said she snuck into his room late at night for some fuck times. Rachel bragged about it to the owner of the house the next morning.

Like I've said before, Rachel Uchitel is like lube, she's been on every dick at one time or another. Elin should not let that little fact keep her from proclaiming her love to Jamie in a groundbreaking ceremony (aka a wedding) before shoveling half of his fortune into her pocketbook. Who cares if Rachel is telling everyone that Elin is riding on doggy bag dick. Elin can laugh right back when she makes her servants build a life-sized sculpture of Rachel Uchitel out of Austrian crystal balls that she'll knock down with her diamond-encrusted gold hammer.

I was rooting for Rachel for a second, but I just can't anymore. There's nothing more tragic than an undignified whore who has successfully dug for gold and is now empty-handed. Elin can count her millions of dollars while Rachel can only count her genital warts. As we all let out a gold digger sigh....

Elin Nordegren thought it was weird that her new billionaire boyfriend's crotch smells like salmon jerky, Ambien and whore. And now she knows why. Elin is currently dating businessman Jamie Dingman who used to live with Tiger Woods' main mistress Rachel Uchitel in Miami. Nothing says "true love" like licking the stank of your ex-husband's ex-side piece off of your new boyfriend's peen.

Rachel tells TMZ that she screwed on Jamie for a while, but left him to become the full-time head of Tiger's harem. Rachel says that Jamie wasn't too upset about it and even joked that he'll just date Elin. Now his joke has become real-life.

Just because Jamie's sexed on Rachel in the past doesn't mean that Elin shouldn't marry him, divorce him and then throw the bag full of half his fortune in the vault where she keeps the gold bars she got from Tiger. If all of used that dating logic, we'd have no one to fuck! Because Rachel's cuchi not only tells all, but it's been on all too.

Here's THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Elin Nordegren letting her inner Rona Barrett come out and pose on the cover of this week's People Magazine. The "hand to face" pose was an excellent choice, because it says "I'm thinking.....about all the fucking zeroes in my savings account." Elin gave her first and only interview to People before she grabs her kids and retreats into her shiny Florida kingdom made from the tears falling out of Tiger Woods' checking account.

I figured that as soon as Elin collected her $100+ million divorce settlement, she would be forced to keep her lips shut to the media about anything Tiger Woods-related, but I guess not. Elin tells People that she was as shocked as everyone else to learn that her husband was out fucking like Wilt Chamberlain after a Viagra overdose. Elin says that she has taken a stroll through Hades (Satan asked her to say "Hiya, Sugartits" to Mel Gibson for him), but now she's in better place. What she means is nothing dries tears like a crisp $100 bill! And here's a few quotes.

Elin on all the shit that has fallen on her shoulders: "I've been through hell. It's hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You're struggling because it wasn't real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn't kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children."

Elin on finding out that Tiger was crowned Mister Man Whore 2009-10: "I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word 'betrayal' isn't strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. For the last three years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard."

Elin quoting a Britney Spears song: "I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself."

Elin on how she's going to soak her sadness in a bowl of liquefied gold: "My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal."

Elin on why she Ike Turnered Tiger's SUV that night: "There was never any violence inside or outside our home. The speculation that I would have used a golf club to hit him is just truly ridiculous. I did everything I could to get him out of the locked car. To think anything else is absolutely wrong."

Elin on how she wishes Tiger the best: "I know he is going to go down on every waitress in the 407 as the best golfer that ever lived, and rightfully so. I feel privileged to have witnessed a part of his golfing career."

Let's all tap a spoon on our plastic crystal wine flutes for Elin keeping it classy. That being said, I'm a little disappointed that the People cover doesn't feature Elin holding a diamond-covered dildo in front of a stuffed toy tiger with dollars falling out of its ass. The tagline could've read: "Now who's getting fucked, bitch". Not as classy as the "hand to face" pose, but it's a close second!

(Cover via Cover Awards, Other Quotes via The Sun)

Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress' pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he's divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren's lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton's used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.

"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."

Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.

This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it's not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an "I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods" interview are over. Now that he's single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.

$100 million is reportedly the magic number Tiger Woods will write IN BLOOD on a personal check and hand over to his soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren as part of their divorce settlement. This is 650 miles away from the $750 million figure people were throwing around recently, but it's still enough cash for Elin to heal her wounds (and possibly any crotch warts Tiger gave her) with. Hopefully, Elin also gets the golf club she used to whoop his SUV so she can hang it in a shadow box over one of her toilets.

Some inside source swears on a pile of Ambiens to TMZ that $100 million is the correct amount and it's much more than she would've collected under the original prenup. They also say that Tiger's net worth is around $500 to $600 million.

Apparently, as part of the deal Elin agreed to not write a tell-all about Tiger's mistress whore ways. This is the saddest news, because I was really hoping that Elin's tell-all would be turned into a Lifetime movie starring Shauna Sand as Elin, Todd Bridges as Tiger, George Takei in drag as Tiger's mom and Trace Cyrus as Rachel Uchitel (Hey, it's my fantasy TV movie).

This really makes me want to call my mom and yell at her for not raising me to be a blonde Swedish nanny with ovaries. That could've been me!

Okay, not really.... But last month, gold diggers all over the world gathered together and formed a circle around a Elin Nordegren statue (made out of recycled fire extinguishers, old Ambien bottles and golf clubs) after reading that she was about to receive one of the biggest divorce settlements in the history of forever.

The rumor was that Elin will soon collect almost $750 million from Tiger. The rumor was barfed up again earlier this week. However, TMZ is grabbing every aspiring gold digger's boner and trying to break it by saying Elin isn't getting $750 million.

Their sources say that Tiger Woods' entire fortune isn't even worth $750 million, so it doesn't make sense that Elin would get that much. They wouldn't spit up the exact amount, but they did say that she's getting a lot more than she would have under the prenup. Tiger and Elin are expected to file for divorce any day now.

Tiger is a selfish bastard. He should give everything to Elin, because she's earned it (not really, but gold diggers ride together 4 life). All he needs is a bed to lay his hos on (or a newspaper in an alley way in most cases) and a blank prescription pad!

Prepare yourself for the upcoming headline: "Elin Nordegren buys majority shares in Sanofi-Aventis, announces the discontinuation of Ambien - In possibly related news, Tiger Woods spontaneously combusts". That's because the Chicago Sun-Times (via NYDN) reports that Elin Nordegren wants three quarters of a billion dollars in a divorce settlement from Tiger Woods.

Apparently, their divorce war is getting messier than Tiger's hand after pulling out his mistress' dirty tampon and they are no longer talking to each other. Elin is demanding $750 million and she has thrown his lawyers a "BITCH NO" when they asked her to sign a lifetime "confidentiality clause" which would prevent her from spilling Tiger's secrets. Elin also wants full custody of the chirruns.

If Tiger Woods' checking account actually spits up $750 million into Elin's waiting arms, every aspiring gold digger will add her picture to their wall of inspiration and pray to her every day!

While some people are trying to make complete meals out of hickory chips and relish packets from Wienerschnitzel, Elin will be dining on deep fried $1000 bills served by Rachel Uchitel in a custom-made pig costume. Yes, Rachel Uchitel in a pig costume is redundant, but that shit will please Elin.

While Tiger Woods tends to the bulging dicks in his back, his lawyers are quietly working with Elin's lawyers to put together a custody and financial agreement. Both sides want to pull out their bloody tampon of a marriage and toss it into the nearest parking lot as soon as possible. They want to keep the details of their divorce settlement completely confidential.

TMZ's sources say that Tiger is agreeing to either custody or visitation rights, but he wants to know that he can drag Elin to any court if she violates the terms of their agreement. The sources say that Elin is planning to take their kids and move to Sweden, so she might file for divorce there.

Meanwhile, Radar's sources claim that Elin is the one who wants to bury their marriage. The source went on to say, “They don’t fight. There is a coldness between them and it’s Elin who is pulling the plug on the marriage. She tried to put things back together. She went to therapy with Tiger. She gave it a shot moving forward.”

Their sources also say that Elin wants to share custody of the chirruns with Tiger and so she isn't fighting him on that issue.

Even though it would be entertaining to see Elin publicly rip Tiger's nutsack out by the root and dangle them above her head, bitch is smart for keeping this divorce to a whisper. Elin's got more shit on Tiger than the sewer underneath Fishstick Paltrow's house, so she could easily write a tell-all or cry to Diane Sawyer about it. But is that going to keep her bath tub filled with diamonds? No, telling Tiger to pay up for her silence will.

If Tiger shut Rachel Uchitel's whore mouth with $10 million, then Elin should only leave him with a dirty mattress and a few Ambien pills. And honestly, that's all he needs.

The odometer on Tiger Woods' peen has passed the six-figure mark and the Department of Health has declared his crotch area a toxic zone, so it's no surprise that his wife Elin Nordegren is protecting her business with a spiky chastity belt. Or as us modern folk like to call it, a replica of Angelina Jolie's killer vagina.

A source tells People that Elin isn't going to risk Tiger crawling into her bed during one of his Ambien hazes, so she's sleeping in a totally difference house. The source went on to say that Elin is putting on a fake happy face for the sake of her kids, "Elin is going through the motions of family life only to keep the children well grounded. She suffered through the pain of her parents divorcing and doesn't want to do that to her kids. But she is not happy in the marriage. The trust is gone. she wears a chastity belt made of spikes. They are not living together as a couple. They are putting on a charade for the children."

You know, I never understood this "faking it" for the kids shit. My father was basically the Tiger Woods of his time and I can't even imagine what my childhood would've been like if my mom didn't put his ass out on the curb. It probably would've make Thanksgiving dinner real interesting:

Dad to Mom: "Can you please pass the sweet potatoes?"
Mom to Dad: "Why? Do you want to stick your dick in that bitch too?"

Nothing says "the spirit of giving" like fucking the sweet potatoes.