Marilyn Manson

Say what you want about Marilyn Manson (examples: he's turning into an old Lydia from Beetlejuice, a chick has to dip her coochie in make-up remover whenever he eats her out, he's definitely getting too old for this shit, etc...), but he always manages to pluck the most graceful flowers out of the WTF garden and his latest piece is no exception. Marilyn left Chateau Marmont last night with a gorgeous specimen who wore an elegant peek-a-puss dress exclusively from Bristol Palin's prom night collection, a pair of Lee Presson gloves, a puffy pussy patch (for shy sluts who believe you should leave labia to the imagination) and a face that could beat Kim Kardashian's face in a natural beauty competition. I like to call this perfect look: So THIS is what happened to Baby Jane.

Marilyn's ex pieces all say that living with him is about as pleasant as a wet fart to the face, but I have a feeling this one's going to last. Mostly because she's wearing a mask and probably can't see his face too good.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to not stuff my mouth hole with shopping carts full of deep fried Wonder Bread and corn syrup sandwiches as usual, because I'm sick of being as bloated as a marshmallow in the microwave. Sucking in is hard work and should be an Olympic sport. And sucking in while trying to lick a nipple is pretty much impossible!

At the advice of my nutritionist/doctor (aka MY MOM), I've been trying to drink more water sans Kool-Aid and eat more things that grow out of the ground. It's gross, it's hurtful and it's messing with my emotions. So because of this, I'm looking at the above picture of Marilyn Manson at Spike TV's Scream Awards and all I see is a deep fried ball of dough that is overstuffed with raspberry pie filling and covered with powdered sugar. The raspberry filling is even seeping out a little. MAKE IT STOP! I should not look at Marilyn Manson's nutsack of a face and see dessert! And when I look at Mickey Rourke all I see is a delicious plate of chicken parm with a heaping splash of bread crumbs on top.

Fuckit. This has gone way too far. Healthy is obviously not for me. I'm going to Key Foods tonight to get a pack of unbaked pie dough and I'm going to proudly eat that shit while waiting in line to pay for it.

There's good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I've heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he's no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood's inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.

The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A's STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.

"They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends," says another source.

Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, "You dropped ASkars for that?!"

The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he'll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he's getting too old for this shit, so I'm sure he'll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.

Here's Evan Rachel Wood with Marilyn Manson on the set of her movie Sk8R Gurl: The Avril Lavigne Story. No, Evan is actually in the Bronx on the set of Mildred Pierce, but she really does look like the Abbey Dawn clearance bin at Kohl's jumped her ass and she lost miserably. You can find Evan scratching an Anarchy symbol into the plastic tables in the quad when she's not vodka eyeballing with the skater boys behind a Rite-Aid.

Don't ask me how Evan is still slurping on Marilyn Manson's peen. You know that shit leaves a film of rotten yogurt on the top of her mouth afterwards. And every time I look at Marilyn, I see Kristen Stewart in 20 years which is not a good thing.

Here's Evan, Marilyn and Kate Winslet walking around their workplace in NYC yesterday.

Evan Rachel Wood left STK in Los Angeles last night with her fiance Marilyn Manson (aka The Eater of Dreams) and she tried to look like she was not trying to show off her engagement ring. Bitch please. Stop trying to be slick. Just keep Marilyn busy in the backseat of the car by giving him a wrapped twinkie, and then proudly show off your stupid ring to the cameras. Marilyn wouldn't mind, because I'm sure he made the ring himself using the crushed bones of vampires and rock candy.

And I really wasn't joking when I called Marilyn The Eater of Dreams. I mean:

If the townspeople of Springwood threw powdered donuts at Freddy Krueger instead of burning him, he would look just like Marilyn Manson. 1...2..Marilyn's coming for fondue....

Evan Rachel Wood, 22, and Marilyn Manson, 41, barely got back together last month, and The Mirror is saying they already engaged to be married. A source says that at one of Marilyn's shows in Paris recently, he asked Evan to be his wife. Evan, who was probably high from constantly inhaling the Wite-Out he uses on his face, said "Yes."

Nothing good can come of this. Let me rewind.... the only good thing that can come of this is the wedding. That will be like an Emo kid's Halloween-themed MySpace page come to life. Think Platinum Weddings: The Hot Topic Edition.

Instead of releasing doves into the sky, Marilyn will bite a dove's head off Ozzy-style and spit it at the mother of the bride. Instead of kissing the bride, Marilyn will cut the bride and drink her blood. Instead of Evan carrying a bouquet of fresh roses, she will carry a bouquet of dead roses and baby doll heads. Instead of riding off in a horse-drawn carriage, they will ride off in a coffin on wheels. And does anyone know if Forest Lawn hosts weddings?

Marilyn Manson recently released a music video where he beat and murdered an Evan Rachel Wood look-alike. Well, that must have made filled Evan Rachel's heart with rainbows and pink kittens, because she has gone back to him. Yes, Evan went from Marilyn Manson to Shane West to Alexander Skarsgard and back to Brian Hugh Warner for an encore. There's something wrong with that equation.

In an interview with Metal Hammer (via ONTD), Marilyn bragged that he's back with Evan, “I think I’m not afraid to be me. Sometimes it happens when you get to this point in your career, and there are so many things that have happened and influences that you’ve had, besides the influences of the things that have inspired you. Sometimes you feel awkward being what you’re best at, you feel like you have to be something new. But I think that a lot of people will agree that me being me at my best is what I need to be. I think that that really paid off because I’m back with Evan, that’s kind of breaking news, you can be the first one to say that.”

Marilyn either eats snatch like it's pie, or he cums pie. OR BOTH! Because Evan is always running back to him like he's the only creature on Planet Earth that can make her pussy barf in ecstasy. That still isn't a good enough reason. Somebody needs to tell Evan that the vagina should always move forward, not backwards onto a peen you've already hit! Especially a peen that belongs to Marilyn Manson. Bitch needs a friend!