I'm Taking Notes

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

Sometimes the headline is all you need to heave out a proper WTF and this is one of those times. Just remember that if you're ever in the back of a police car with your brother after getting caught with drugs in your car and he begs you to felch the evidence out of his asshole, just say capital N-O (or at least snowball some the evidence into your brother's mouth, DAMN!) This shit has scared me into screaming out "FUCK NO!" anytime I think my sister is about to throw a question at me. Better to be safe than...well you know...

via KOAT (Thanks, Elizabeth)

Maurice Sendak is best known for writing Where The Wild Things Are? and now he's best known to me for making me say "Andy Rooney, who?!" out loud. 83-year-old Maurice made my soul coo out 8 crusty and chapped hearts during his interview with The Guardian about writing children books, hating bitches and hating bitches some more. Here are just 8 things that Maurice is growling at (alternate title: 8 reasons why I want to make children with an 83-year-old grand cunt):

E-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book."

NYC: "You get pushed and harassed and people grope you. It's too tumultuous, it's too crazy!"

Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."

American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."

Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."

Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."

Stephen King: "Bullshit."

Gwyneth Paltrow: "I can't stand her."

These quotes should be published into a hardcover book with illustrations and read to every single child before bedtime. This is mandatory.

The Dutch reality show Who Is The World Driver In The Netherlands? got their answer when one of the contestants (who isn't Asian or a woman, thankyouverymuch) went full Lohan by crashing into the show's host, putting him in the hospital. None of the passengers were injured and the show's host was released from the hospital after a quick minute. The video above is as educational as it is horrifyingly hilarious. It has taught me that right before I'm about to turn the camera crew into a bunch of bowling pins, I should probably not cover my face and/or step on the gas pedal instead of the brakes. A lesson for the future!

Dear producers of America's Worst Driver, please get this Dutch contestant for next season and don't forget to switch out the hosts! Michael Lohan is available! So is The Situation! And Parasite Hilton! And Nancy Grace! And Kim Kardashian! Get all of them! Line 'em up!

via The Daily What

This will come as no surprise to you sluts as this is the biggest DUH excuse given to your lovah when asked about humping on someone else’s fuck parts during a BREAK UP PERIOD, but supposedly the Fox was on hiatus from licking on her now husband Brian Austin Green when she supposedly waxed LaDouche's pocket monkey.

In response to an internet FRENZY, a nosy bitch-type (Megan texting via a prepaid ghetto phone) working on the set of the first two Transformer movies told US Weekly, “It was when Megan and Brian broke up, they had a 10-month break before getting back together.” Detective Latoya, please sit down.

On again off again relationships are somewhat familiar to me, so let me just clue you in on the five words that will save your ass in a pinch “WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!” You’re welcome (it doesn’t work).

You're standing in the cashiers line at Walmart buying whatever it is you buy at Walmart (condoms, Faded Glory cutoffs and Great Value corn chips) when three thieving thieves run out of the store with some beer. You tell the cashier if she's going to do anything about, but she can't be bothered. So what are you to do?

1. Join the cashier, who is obviously a honey badger, in The Don't Give A Fuck Club.
2. Grab a few cases of beer yourself and run the hell out the door since the Walmart employees know that they don't get paid enough to strain their leg muscles by chasing after your ass.
3. Write down the beer robbers' license plate number and press the numbers 9-1-1 on your cell phone.
4. Twirl into your Walmart Wonder Woman costume, run out into the parking lot and perform the stupidest citizen's arrest ever by jumping on top of the thieves' car as they laugh at you to your crazy face?

If you're the aptly-named Monique Lawless of Alvin, Texas then you obviously chose #4! Monique tells KENS 5 that she's sick of all the crime and thinks our society needs to do something about it! So the single mother defended the poor and helpless Walmart by becoming their hero! The Walmart beer robbers were later caught by police after a chase.

The dumbest part of this story isn't that Monique risked the cops telling her children "I'm sorry, but your mother is in the hospital because she tried to stop a group of assholes stealing beer from the richest store in America who don't give three shits about her." It also isn't that the cops nearly cut that douchebag criminal in half by ramming him into the fence. It's neither of those.

It's that some stuttering simple hos name all three of their sons SYLVESTER! That is the real crime here.

(Thanks Comedy Wizard!)

This highly important international news story that is relevant to all of our interests is one that I missed yesterday, but thankfully some of your asses won't let me miss it. Because if there's something I love, it's a SLUT WALK (or as Taylor Momsen calls it, "Sunday"). It all started when a fucknotted piece of chewed up dumb (official name: Toronto Police Constable Michael Sanguinetti) told students at Toronto's York University that if women don't want to get raped, they shouldn't dress like sluts. This inspired three 20-something girls to fight for the right to dress like a Jodie Marsh by organizing a gigantic Slut Walk in front of police headquarters on Sunday afternoon.

Thousands of women put on their favorite whore uniforms and protested against the constable trying to keep a good slut dresser down. Just because a hereho's titties are hiked up to her nostrils and her pussy lips are waving under her skirt in the wind, doesn't give anybody the right to reach out and touch them without an invitation. Ben Roethlisberger just exploded into a GHB-laced ball of confusion.

I fully support every slut's right to freely dress like a proud slut whenever and wherever she wants without fear! Some people get a smile in their heart when they see a freshly bloomed flower reaching toward the sun, but I get a smile in my heart when I see a for real ho struttin' down the stroll in lucite stilts and a double titty souffle spilling out of her latex corset. That image is my flower!

That being said, they should've asked me to curate this Slut Walk event, because some of those outfits..... Are you really going to wear your junior high school knit hoodie with a pair of lace hose?! Get thee to a Frederick's outlet and fix yourself! I love a slut, but I don't love a sloppy slut. Call me next year!

You've already mastered Rachael Ray's Le Cordon Bleu-worthy recipe for microwaved bacon and now here's your next challenge: Paula Deen's canned peas in a pot recipe! Once Sandra Lee's recipe for Easy Mac hits Food Network's site, we'll have ourselves a full fucking meal!

The Land O' Lakes Indian Maiden's adoptive mother, Paula Deen, is going to change your culinary life with her innovative recipe for English Peas.....which is more like Spears Peas (or Cyrus Peas). There's a good chance it's much too complicated for your ass to conquer. If that's the case, just melt the butter and serve it in a plastic tub. Or you know, you can just throw a half stick of butter on the table and let everyone scratch each other's eyes out for a piece. That's how the Deen family does it, I'm sure. And really, only half a stick of butter? That must be a typo. Paula clearly meant half a carton of butter.

Just like with Rachael Ray's complex bacon recipe that will win her a James Beard Award this year, the comments in Paula's recipe are the best ingredient! Examples:

You need to be clearer in your recipes. I melted the butter with a small amount of pot (about two joints' worth in the microwave then added the peas. Since I only cooked until the peas were warm the marijuana was still basically raw. The stems made it really unpleasant.

Perhaps in the future you could substitute "saucepan" for "pot". It's confusing. - rudyrucksack

This was outstanding! I did make a couple modifications. I eliminated the butter, and in place of the peas I substituted one can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs. - paschabloomington

Whoa, whoa, whoa Paula. This is really complicated for me. Now...A half stick of butter? See, this is why I'l never be as good of a cook as you. As I was cutting the butter I had no idea that my friend was using the Necronomicon in the other room. As I did I unleashed an old God into that stick of butter. I morphed into a terrible butter demon of 1,000 horrors. Thinking quickly I used it's only weakness against it...a heated butter knife. I sliced at the creature and it screams echoed like the wail of millions of banshee's. - number17

Sandra Lee, it's time to step up to the hot plate and show these bitches how lazy is really done.

Source: FNH via Fark

Chelsea Handler's life span has just been reduced by 95% and her inbox is getting violated by millions of ALL-CAP RANTS filled with the word "LOOSER" (Translation: "Loser" in Brangeloonese), because she went hard on Angie Jo at her show in Newark, NJ on Friday night. Jennifer Aniston's favorite drinking partner said that Angie is a homewrecking whore (Maddox is sharpening is shank) who doesn't have any female friends because she's a cunt (Maddox just dropped his shank to sharpen a bigger shank). Chelsea saying the word cunt is like a messy French kiss to my ears.

Every hardcore Brangeloonie just submitted a request for a day pass from the mental hospital, because they are gonna GIT that Chelsea!

But seriously, I would tell Chelsea that it takes one to know one, but that goes without saying. Chelsea knows that she sits with all of us at the big cunt's table. And according to Chelsea, that's where Angie Jo sits too. Awkward!

via ONTD

My finger nails look like they've been chewed up by a cross-eyed warthog with an overbite and my greedy overgrown cuticles haven't felt the touch of a clipper in months and I could give a shit. But yet, here's 4-year-old Kingston Rossdale maintaining his hand and feet situation with his mother Gwen Stefani at a salon in West Hollywood, CA the other day.

Dude strolled out of there with a different shade of glitter on every nail and I've got the nails of a zombie with a Vitamin B deficiency. That's it, I'm pulling out the Hello Kitty manicure set from under my bed and handling this dreadful shit today. I cannot be shown up by a 4-year-old!