Health warning signs have gone up all up and down the Jersey Shore, which could mean only one thing: the taint warts of MTV (and that's saying a lot) are back and have started shooting their mess of a show today. If you're in the Jersey Shore area, don't forget to get caught up on all your shots and to slather liquid penicillin with SPF all over your body. It's that season again!
Even though Snooki's got a guidoling in her malt liquor-soaked womb, she's still part of the cast and showed up looking six shades of FUG. It looks like a leopard swallowed a mash-up of every Cher era before wet farting it out all on Snooki. I want to say that bitch looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island in drag as a Mötley Crüe groupie, but that would be offensive to the memory of Tattoo and to Mötley Crüe groupies.
And I'm pretty sure Snooki's carrying her pickle spawn in her chichis.
Abercrombie & Fitch put out a statement last night about how they're really concerned that their pristine image as purveyors of class has been dirtied up by the sight of a tanning bed-roasted herpes tortoise in their clothes. A&F wants to pay The Situation to unplace their product from his body, because they think it's bad for business. Yup, their demographic wearing their clothes on TV is what they think is really ruining their reputation. Not padded bikini tops for prostitots-in-training. Not racist t-shirts. But The Situation wearing their shit. The Situation and A&F belong together like a suppository belongs in a constipated bitch's ass, but since the best part of waking up is a LOL in your cup, let's humor them by reading their STUNT QUEEN statement:
We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.
Have you ever been inside of an Abercrombie? It's a torture chamber for all the senses. You can't see shit, because it's so dark. You can't hear shit, because the loud ass music is sodomizing your ear holes. You can't breathe in pure oxygen, because it's like a cologne gas chamber in there. It's basically like being stuck in a douchebag's colon after he gave himself an A&F cologne enema. It's to distract you from seeing the numbers on the price tags. It's an awful hell cave and the next Hostel movie should take place there.
If you actually pushed the dimmer switch to the top, you'd see that most of the whores shopping there look exactly like The Situation. A&F knows this, so this is obviously just a STUNTUATION. Well played, I guess.
And no A&F post is complete without a portrait of their naturally beautiful CEO Mike Jeffries:
Oh, Mike, you're as creative with publicity stunts as you are with fucking up your face.
Looking like if a baby sasquatch ran off in the middle of getting a full body shave, Snooki walked the streets of Florence, Italy with Deena (or maybe that's my uncle in drag as Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding) today, because she's no longer allowed to drive. After the producers of Jersey Shore promised Snooki a singing pickle vibrator if she crashed into her police escort for ratings, the authorities in Italy revoked her drivers license. There's no need to stock up on pickles and antibiotics, because they're not going to deport her back to America yet.
It was first reported there were no injuries, but that's a lie. That Brother Berenstain Bear looking bitch put two cops in the hospital with minor injuries. UsWeekly says that the cops, who were hired to escort Snooki through Florence, are thinking of pressing charges against her and she faces criminal prosecution if they do. The cops have 90 days to decide what to do. And by that I mean that MTV has 90 days to try to pay them off.
Has anybody started an "Amanda Knox For Snooki" campaign yet, because it needs to happen. But seriously, Italy is almost rid of Snooki and they aren't going to let anything get in the way of that. That's why she won't face charges and she won't go to jail. Snooki could blind a dozen Italian children with the bones of murdered kittens and the Italian police would still shrug and say, "So your flight's at 6, right?"
Here's more of Snooki in and out of a neck brace in Florence today. Aunt Nelda, this bitch ain't!
Snooki, the mutant dingle that escaped from the armpit of America, did exactly what you think she would do if she got behind the wheel of an actual car (not a Big Wheel) in Florence, Italy: the bitch crashed into a police escort. That visual made me visualize the time Vinny's watermelon (with extra seeds) dick crashed into Snooki's Ewok snatch. In both instances, somebody should've been arrested, but in both instances NOBODY was arrested.
The cops in Italy should've come up with a law on the spot! They should've declared that any shaved Wookie from New York who crashes into a police car while shooting a reality show must immediately be escorted to Rome by soldiers and thrown into a coliseum full of hongray lions who have been taunted by Chilean bears their whole lives and are out for revenge!!!! But the cops didn't think of that.
TMZ says that cops questioned both Snooki and Deena, who is giving me Mayim Bialik in Beaches vibes here (no offense to a 13-year-old Mayim Bialik), before briefly detaining the former. They say that booze was not involved, but dumbassery was. Nobody was injured and the police eventually let Snooki and Deena back into the wild.
Okay, who in "can't even reach the gas pedal" hell would let Snooki drive in Italy? I would rather let a drunk, half-blind pig with four left hooves and a bad case of physical Tourettes drive me around in Italy. Are the producers of Jersey Shore trying to kill her?! Actually, maybe that's all part of their series finale plans. They are going to destroy the cast one by one. To which I say, why put the lives of innocent people in danger? If you want to destroy Snooki, just ask her to spell STD.
No, this is not a picture from a pamphlet for one of those gay cruises that promises hard nips and passion fruit cosmos. It's the cast of the completely heterosexual Geordie Shore! You know Geordie Shore! It's the newest strain of Jersey Shore that is about to simultaneously destroy humanity in the UK while inspiring the youth! The cast gathered together at some bridge in the UK to make STD stew by dipping their petri dish crotches into a tub of lukewarm water.
I joke, but this cast really is refreshing. The fine ladies of Geordie Shore look like they rolled out of the gutter, cleaned their pits off with fire hydrant water and then stumbled to the photo shoot smelling of vodka vomit and fried ham. The fine lads of Geordie Shore, on the other hand, look like they woke up at 5am to do side-by-side ab crunches before painstakingly plucking each other's eyebrows in a giant bubble bath. The dudes look plucked and pampered while the chicks look fucked and tampered. I love it.
In other Shore news, the Jersey Shore whores are still making us Americans proud. Ronnie fist pumped right into the face of a pregnant Situation last night. A million Italians just breathed a sigh of relief, because they no longer have to dirty their fists by punching The Situation out now that Ronnie's done it for them.
The Jersey Shore whores arrived in Italy today and moved into their villa in Florence to rest before they spew a layer of scab skin all over the city. The Situation brought the douchbaggery right away by looking like a retired Boca Raton guido who spends his days licking his lips at the girls in the park while swatting the flies away before they land on his skin to suckle the grease out of his pores. But what's more offensive than that is how the tourists and locals are gathering around to take pictures of these dirt barge skanks!
Don't they know that when faced with a pack of minotaurs, you're supposed to form a mob and chase them out of the city with your fists, stones, sacred prayer, splashes of holy water, flaming torches, big vocabulary words, Valtrex dust and oil remover. You're not supposed to take their picture! THAT ONLY MAKES THEM STRONGER! The same way posting pictures of them on a public forum does. Fuckme.
While the soundtrack to Mafia II plays in the background, The Situation's daddy Frank Sorrentino lays out a theatrical monologue where he blasts his son for turning on the family after reaching the heights of fame (insert laugh track here). What I'm getting from this video is that Frank would probably get a C- in a night drama class at a community college if he did one of Robert DeNiro's monologues from Goodfellas. I'm also getting that Frank asked The Situation for a few dollars and he was told to "go on welfare" like a "regular fucking Joe Blow." After getting turned down by his own son, Frank did what any parent of a famewhore would do: he went off on YouTube! Anybody who calls The Situation a "little fuck" gets at least one like from me!
Frank isn't stopping there. He's uploaded a bunch of other rants and in some of them he goes off on the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Below is Frank calling Snooki a 4'11" piece of shit who shows her everybody her buchiach (that's Italian for "cunt") and constantly blows guys in the bed. And then he says Ronnie is a bitch who cries like a fag. Yes, Frank is not only a devoted father, but he's also a poet who should travel to Italy with the cast so that he can show the country that he truly is the reincarnation of Dante.
I don't know if it's good or bad that I've been introduced to the word buchiach. My life goal of learning how to say "dumb cunt" in every language is almost complete!
On May 8th, together as a nation we will pry 8 swollen warts off of our armpit and toss them across the ocean to Florence, Italy where they will wreak havoc upon the people and suck the booze out of the city until all that's left is a few dried-up grape vine roots. Or maybe not. The Mayor of Florence, Matteo Renzi, has agreed to let Snooki and her band of humping drunktards past his city's front gates as long as they follow a strict set of rules. A strict set of rules that will most likely result in those whores turning into a dust that will be carried off to the spot where Sodom and Gonorrhea (Freudian slip that stays) once existed. Two words: NO BOOZE.
The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.
The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.
The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.
The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food.
So they'll have to fill their veins with the sweet nectar in the privacy of their hotel rooms before they go out? They'll be like an 18-year-old me who couldn't find a fake ID, because I'm too ethnically ambiguous. I found a match in my friend's 40-something cleaning lady, but she refused to give up her old ID. Selfish.
Anyway, Snooki without booze is like SNOOKI WITHOUT BOOZE. She'll be fine for a few seconds, but the the itch for alcohol will be too much to bear and she'll start attacking those around her to suck the vodka directly out of their veins. Like a drunk zombie blob on the attack.
We should send Mayor Matteo a thank you card in advance.
The 8 mutated syphilis sores who grow stronger in jacuzzi water have all officially signed on to the fourth season of Jersey Shore, which will start shooting in Italy in a few weeks. Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie, Watermelon Dick, Sammi Sweetheart and that other shaved Wooki who isn't Snooki are all coming back to spread a thick layer of pus-filled fuckery on Italy. And they're getting a major raise.
They should really get paid with a few drink tickets, a couple of morning after pills and a coupon book from the free clinic, but Entertainment Weekly says that the main whores (probably Snooki and The Situation) will get at least $100,000 per episode not including bonuses. Each season is typically full of 13 episodes, so that means Snooki and The Situation will have another year where they get to write a seven-figure number on their tax returns! Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!!
The Jersey Shore whores made around $10,000 an episode for season 2, so this is a swift jump. EW says that even though this might make you feel like you failed in life by going to college, Snooki and company are worth that much money. Jersey Shore continues to rule basic cable and has more viewers than most shows on network TV.
This must be the real reason why Democrats and Republicans were meeting until midnight last night. They weren't going to leave until every cast member of Jersey Shore were secured for next season. They know this country's real priorities! You could see the truth in John Boehner's eyes.
By the way, I didn't really mean that "tainting" part. I wish that when I was a youngin', somebody would've taught me how to squat a piss out behind a bar
The Jersey Shore whores are about to be launched into Italy to shoot the fourth (and probably final) season of their cinematic gonorrhea rash of a show, and they were supposed to disappear into the dark oblivion after that. The beasts crawl out of the earth's open sore from Hades, wreak havoc on our people and then slither back into the underworld once the damage has been done. That's what we all learned mythology class (I never took mythology class)! That's how it was supposed to happen.
I mean, JWoww is supposed to use her fortune to open up a roadside strip club/dog boarding/elegant boutique and eventually get sent to prison for dog sex trafficking (Whoring out dogs to other dogs, of course. She's not a total monster). Pauly D is supposed marry the Guidette of his dreams, get really fat and get a job as a night manager of a check cashing place. And Snooki is supposed to lead the Ewoks in a battle against the Imperial shield generator. They aren't supposed to be on our TVs anymore. Oh, but they are! USA Today says that MTV has picked up pilots starring Pauly D, JWoww and Snooki! The gruesome details:
MTV has just announced two Jersey Shore spinoff shows.
First is The Untitled Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "JWoww" Farley Project. Viewers will get to see how Snooki and JWoww "deal with life and love" in 12 episodes.
The second - The untitled Paul "DJ Pauly D" Del Vecchio Project - will follow Pauly D's "jet-setting and often hilarious life on the road as one of the country's most in-demand DJs." MTV has ordered 12 episodes.
Both of the reality projects will begin production later this year and are slated to air in 2012.
Our only hope are the Italians! They can lure them under the Tower of Pisa and then make it lean ALL THE WAY. Yes, an icon of Italy will be destroyed forever, but that's a small price to pay!