CPS Is On Line One

While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards' arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller's house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule's schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn't want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie's lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke's scheme. Brooke's lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.

TMZ's source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn't want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.

Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let's see.... The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There's clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn't hand over $55,000 every month, she'll text her this picture every morning:

Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise's only response would be, "What's your account and routing number?"

And here's pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.

Denise Richards better be showing Brooke Mueller an episode of The World According To Paris (aka TWAT P) on her phone and telling that mess to look at her life choices.

Radar says that socials workers from Children and Family Services in L.A. have yanked Brooke Mueller's twins, Bob and Max, out of her care and not only because she wears jeans like that out in public. Brooke Mueller is still hooked on the bad shit and I guess those judgy social workers think that it's wrong to let her kids play with her used crack pipe, so away the twins went. Since Charlie Sheen is a disaster himself and shouldn't even be allowed to take care of a piece of dried up foreskin, the twins were given to Denise Richards AGAIN. Radar's source said this about the whole mess:

“Brooke was given many opportunities by social workers to clean up her act. Social workers felt that Bob and Max weren’t safe in Brooke’s care. The decision was made late on Thursday afternoon, and the boys are no longer in Brooke’s care. It’s expected at some point the boys will be taken care of by Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, who has cared for them in the past when Brooke went to rehab. She (Richards) loves the boys & their safety and well being mean everything to her. Bob & Max are safe & that is all the matters. Denise is simply complying with the court order."

Who knew that the former robot call girl would turn out to be a savior to all of Charlie Sheen's kids and transform her house into an orphanage for mistreated and down-and-out Sheen kids? Denise Richards should take care of Charlie Sheen's adopted crackhead daughter Lindsay Lohan next. Denise is obviously a good parent, because I'm guessing she's the one who taught that little girl how to throw a side-eye that all the kids in the playground will run from.

Here's pictures from last year of messy ass Brooke and Denise hanging out in Malibu. Yes, I've already gotten on my knees and worshiped the peroxide and neon beauty in the background.

Last week, Teen Mom Farrah went on Dr. Phil and she was such a delusional mound of dumb that she made Dr. Phil look like an honest, reasonable and intelligent human being by comparison. And yesterday, Teen Mom Farrah almost made Teen Mom Jenelle look like the better parent (I say "almost" because that "Ke$hit is my idol" thing is unforgivable) when she brought her 3-year-old daughter to her sex tape negotiations. Yes, that's inappropriate as shit, but maybe Teen Mom Farrah brought her kid, because she realized that she's dumber than dumb and a 3-year-old is better at negotiating than she is. Although, that's not saying much since the tonsil stone I just coughed up is probably a better negotiator than Farrah.

TMZ caught (read: Farrah called them) Teen Mom Farrah going into Vivid's offices in Studio City, CA yesterday to find out how much they're going to pay her for the video of her getting it from James Deen's small peen (her stupid ass words, not mine). Farrah told TMZ that she's gotten so much positive feedback from the video and she's looking at several offers. Farrah brought her dad and daughter to the meeting, because she needed their support.

Steve Hirsch, the head bitch of Vivid, told TMZ that yeah he thought it was weird that Farrah brought her kid, but the little girl was coloring in the waiting room while Farrah was in the meeting with her dad.

Call me a damn prude, but when I'm in the offices of a porn studio and telling them that I'm going to need an extra $50,000 if they're going to use the shot of James Deen busting one on my eyelids, the last thing I want to see is my dad nodding at me like, "Yeah, you tell them!" But that's just me.

And I hate Steve Hirsch for saying that the gorgeous Tan Mom doesn't have a face for porn, but I hate Teen Mom Farrah more for making Steve Hirsch look like the voice of reason.

Here's Teen Mom Farrah wearing your auntie's favorite yard sale hunting cap at LAX on Saturday.

The legendary Chinatown Muni Fight of 2009 (that drop kick is still my everything) and the L.A. Subway Macing of 2009 already taught many of us that when you cram strangers into a moving vehicle, there's going to be fights. And here's another prime example of that.

Guysim (via Gawker) brings the internet this horrifying video of a Connecticut's Mother of the Year filling a Connecticut bus with curse words as she yells at another chick in the front of the bus for disrespecting her and her baby. They yell at it each for a while and the Mother of the Year keeps asking someone to hold her baby so she can handle a bitch. Shit goes from serious to really serious when the crazy bitch tosses her baby to a lady and runs to the front of the bus to punch a bitch.

Yeah, so she's mad at the trick in the front for disrespecting her baby and then she disrespects her own baby by throwing the kid to somebody else. And who ever filmed this is disrespecting all of us by filming it in portrait mode. There's a whole lot of disrespecting going on here.

And I don't know how I feel about "Hold my baby!" being the new "Hold my purse!" Hopefully after the camera shut off, the woman holding the baby, got off the baby and walked to the nearest CPS office.

Kim Porter, the mother of Diddy's twin daughters, has been sued by a former nanny who claims that the 6-year-old girls were always breathing in weed smoke and got into their mommy's stash of white powder more than once. That's like something straight of White Oprah's book on parenting.

TMZ says that in the lawsuit, the former nanny Dawn Drago claims that Kim Porter toked up day and night and when she complained about how the smoke kept making her choke, she was fired and shown the door. Dawn Drago also claims in her lawsuit that Kim not only smoked the good shit while the twins were at home, but there were baggies of coke in the house and in the car. Dawn says that one time she was driving the girls to school and noticed that they were covered in some kind of white powdery substance. There was a bag of white powder and pills in the backseat and the girls got into it. Kim Porter said it was her "medicine" when Dawn asked her about it.

Dawn also says that Kim attacked and yelled at her several times. Dawn is suing for an unspecified amount of cash.

If this is true, then why didn't Dawn Drago pick up the phone, dial the number to CPS and give them an anonymous tip? Also, if it is true, then somebody needs to slap Kim Porter's velociraptor face. What kind of self-respecting cokehead leaves their stash around children? Everybody knows that children are nosy, will get into your stash and throw that white powder around everywhere. Kids are wasteful and they don't respect the coke!

And that knock on Kim Porter's front door is just from Lindsay Lohan coming to inquire about the nanny position.

TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It's like something you'd find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It's a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn't.

TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo's friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she's acting insane again. They're afraid that if she's always high, she won't be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo's crazy ass called her son's school in a panic, because he didn't make it home and she was convinced the bus didn't drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must've eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.

That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn't know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn't come to the unveiling of Kim's nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor's daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, "So I guess I'll just keep Kennedy overnight." Taylor then said something like, "Oh, she's with you?" The dumb bitch didn't know where her daughter was!

Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.

If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I'd have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I'd lose them all the time. A week wouldn't go by without me saying, "Hey, where's #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I'm not going to drive all the way back there. He'll be fine, it's about time he make it on his own anyway." But that's why I don't have 14 kids!

As the eldest Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, made her 4,954th court appearance this morning, Michael Lohan's Garbage Pail Kid-looking ass girlfriend birthed out the now youngest Lohan in a Florida hospital. It just had to be Florida. Hasn't Florida been through enough?

Last July, Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced that they stopped throwing punches at each other long enough to do bareback sex and make a baby that they'll eventually trade for a stack of mesh shirts and a bottle of apple Schnapps in a Walmart parking lot in a few years. Well, that baby is now here and I can guarantee you that as soon as he looked at Michael Lohan's charbroiled turtle dingle of a face, he immediately learned how to say the words, "I'm fucked." ("Those were my first words too!" - all the Lohan kids)

TMZ says that Landon Major Lohan was born just before noon today and he weighed in at 7lbs and 5oz. That's kind of funny, because 7lbs and 5oz. is exactly how much coke the Lohan family snorts between them on a monthly basis! Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he was in the delivery room with Kate Major and he got to snip the umbilical cord. It's a damn shame that he didn't snip his own baby making parts while he was at it.

Landon Lohan is the 6th life that Michael Lohan will screw up. Well, six as far as we know. There could be other Lohans out there that we don't know about, so if you see a freckled child with overcooked turkey bacon for skin and it's kicking a vagina or driving its razor scooter while drunk, report that child to the authorities, because you just spotted another Lohan.

And I hope the Tampa area PennySaver pays Kate a lot of money for the first pictures of Landon Lohan, because ho is going to need the cash since Michael Lohan is never going to give her one quarter from the stack of quarters he stole from LiLo's purse. I was going to say "stack of ones," but that would be way too generous.

Let's all stick an e.p.t. test up our asses, because the odds say that we're all having babies. Babies are happening to everyone! Elton John has a baby, Jeremy Renner is going to have a baby and in the most terrifying baby news of all, Star (via Radar) says that Teen Mom Jenelle Evans is knocked all the way up with a kid who she'll see every other weekend (depending on whether or not she's got ¢hur¢h aka a Ke$ha concert that weekend).

In around 8 months, Child Protective Services will get another file on their desks when 21-year-old Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 births out her second kid. Jenelle's husband of a few weeks, Courtland Rogers, tells Star that CPS' sweetheart is around 6 weeks pregnant and since she doesn't have custody of her first kid, Jace Evans, she's hoping she can prove she's not a piece of shit parent by raising her second kid right. There's nothing more precious than having a do over baby. Jenelle just got out of rehab for heroin addiction, so this is perfect time for her to be knocked up. Courtland tells Star:

“Me and Jenelle are so happy that she’s pregnant. She told me, ‘I’m looking forward to a second chance.’ She thinks if she can prove that she’s a good mother, she can get Jace back."

When Star asked Jenelle's 59-year-old mother for a comment, she said (no, she didn't), "I was thrilled to find out that my accidental surrogate is pregnant with another baby for me to raise. Retirement is overrated! I am so happy that Jenelle gets to have all the fuck time fun in making a baby while I'm the one who gets to raise it. I am seriously OVER THE MOON! No, seriously, throw me over the moon, please." 

And this goes without typing, but yes, there will soon be a baby on this planet whose name is Ke$ha. Ke$ho if it's a boy.

Farrah Abraham of MTV's Teen Mom is tattooing the words "Mother of the Year" on her crotch, because she believe she's the greatest mother ever for tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's unibrow hairs as the kid slept. In a blog post on Sulia, Teen Mom Farrah, who spent $16,000 on a new face, writes about her adventures in baby brow waxing. Farrah pulled out the waxing strips, because she says she felt sorry for her daughter Sophia and wanted to beautify Sophia's brow situation. Here's the blog post that only a Toddlers & Tiaras mom could love (yes, I laughed at "standout historical moment in motherhood"):

SOOOOOooooo, this is a touchy subject the Unibrow thing.

But recently I could not ignore it, like I know I've seen madonna's duaghter have a stand out uni brow, I remember when I was little I had a unibrow, but I couldn't remember if there was an age limit, a rule!

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends.... is this hair just going to fall out... is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn't go away and others started saying it was here to stay.

So I told sophia (my daughter who is a late 3 years old) of the little issue on her brow, and I showed her how I waxed mine off, so I tryed to wax her, the second a dab hit the Uni, she touch it with the towel she had in her hand,

UHHH so now, wax was in the towel, and I yanked it back ASAP, but fuzz was not stuck to the wax stuck to her Uni, OMG moment, So now sophia was freaking out, so I had to act like it was a cool science project to get the wax off.

PLOT TO END THIS: Sophia feel a sleep, I got my tweezers and Pluck-pluck-pluck......soph was now saying ouch or anything and still was asleep, I got most of it off and then finally she woke up..I went to sleep .

The next morning I showed her and told her how well she did and she didn't even know, She was more intrigued now to be ok with upkeeping her non-unibrow. I could tell she was proud.

Ah I feel like a good mom:) other moms tell me your ideas!

One of my cousins had a glorious unibrow for most of her childhood and her parents refused to let her pluck it away even after she told them that kids made fun of her for it. She tried to hide it by growing her bangs long, but that didn't work. (Side note: She should've united her bangs with her bushy unibrow by braiding them together. That would've been the look.) She was desperate to get rid of the hairy bridge that connected her right brow to her left brow. So one night, she blew out a candle and poured the hot wax on her face. The dumbass didn't lose any brow hairs, but she did gain a burn on her forehead. After that, her mom regularly plucked away her unibrow for her.

So I can sort of understand where that dumb dumb Farrah is coming from, but isn't 3 way too young for that kind of shit? And who the hell tweezes their daughter's eyebrows in her sleep? If Farrah just had to get rid of her 3-year-old's unibrow, she should've done it a better way. I mean, Farrah should've burned her daughter's brow hairs off by playing her abomination of a song for them. Farrah's music makes my ear tunnels burn, so I'm sure it has the same effect on brow hairs.

via UsWeekly 

Kelsey Grammer and his child bride Kayte Walsh got a little hate a few weeks ago for taking their 3-month-old baby Faith to a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion. Kelsey said that Kayte is breastfeeding and they don't have a sitter, so Faith goes everywhere they go. I didn't think anything of it, because Faith wasn't the only baby at the Playboy Mansion. A drooling, breast-obsessed mound of human wrinkles owns the place. I'm sure Faith and Hef got burped next to each other.

Kelsey and Kayte are getting more hate today, because they drove away from LAX without putting their baby in a car seat. TMZ has video of Kayte and Kelsey getting into a chauffeured SUV. Kayte realizes that there's no car seat in the backseat, but she gets in anyway and holds the baby in her arms as the SUV drives away. Kelsey's rep went out to the farm, found a bull, fed it a bowl of beans and patiently waited until it shat out this explanation:

Grammer's rep tells TMZ ... at some point, before the family left the airport grounds, Kelsey loaded up a car seat and strapped baby Faith inside before they hit L.A. city streets.

Since the footage we posted earlier appears to show Kayte and the baby inside the vehicle WITHOUT a car seat, the rep may be insinuating that the car circled around the airport and picked up Kelsey, who eventually retrieved a car seat. It does appear ... after Kayte and the baby drove off, Kelsey went down to baggage claim and picked up the luggage that was checked.

As we previously reported, it's against CA car seat law to have a 4-month-old child inside of a moving vehicle without a car seat ... so even if the car JUST circled the airport, they still broke the law.

This reminds me.... When I was 4 or 5, my dad let my sister and I take turns sitting on his lap while he drove the car. People who pulled up next to us would wave and they all thought it was real cute. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad took a nap behind me and let me actually drive the car. He was lazy! I bet if I was actually driving the car while smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer and writing a letter (aka the original texting) at the same time, people still would've been like, "Awww, how precious!" Don't you miss the early 80s?