CPS Is On Line One

The ho stroll has been eerily quiet of the sound of clear plastic bra strips rubbing up against greasy lizard skin and that's because 17-year-old porn iguana beauty Courtney Stodden has been working hard. Freecreditscore.com cast the underage amphibian goddess as a merskank in a big-budget (read: no budget) Super Bowl-worthy commercial (read: it will play during the Robin Byrd Show on public access). Looking like the beauty on a can of Lizard of the Sea, Courtney plays an exquisite merskank who was created when a komodo dragon on high-grade ludes had a threesome with Flotsam AND Jetsam in a toxic waste puddle off the shores of Chernobyl.

Your ass might be thinking that Freecreditscore.com should be arrested for giving Courtney a stage to awkwardly squirm around like she's trying to hack a hairball up while solving a basic algebra problem at the same time, but this was a smart move on their part. If it fails as a commercial (it has), they can always sell it to Discovery as a new episode of the Deadliest Catch. Nobody will know the difference.

If you can't see the video above, consider yourself SAVED! Or just click here to see Courtney as Ariel's sister Achlamydia.

via Radar

It's going to be 60 degrees in NYC today, RiRi has publicly turned her back on the Illuminati, Rutgers is offering a Beyonce course and now there's a chance that the Pfizer recall has officially become a disaster to humanity because SNOOKI MIGHT BE SPAWNING! As the 20th century's greatest philosophers Bill & Ted once said: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!"

The respectable journal of truthiness Star Magazine tells us that in a few months a living creature will call Snooki its mommy. You can go ahead and cancel Groundhog Day tomorrow, because that Punxsutawney Phil bitch ain't coming out since he's digging his way to hell as I type this shit. Star's source says that Snooki and her midget hulk of a boyfriend Jionni smushed a baby into her womb and she's telling everybody about it.

“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming."

This is good news for the makers of the first ever tanning bed crib. This also good news for Planet Earth who are assembling their bravest camera crew yet to capture the world's first known birth of a Hulk/Ewok hybrid. Everybody else is fucked, because little Pickole Vodkotta LaValle will devour our world's supply of pickles and taint our jacuzzis.

Oh well, we should all still meet in front of the cave Snooki will give birth in, because there's no way she's going to let a little thing called "pregnancy" get in the way of her drinking gallons of the sweet nectar every night. That placenta is going to be 100+ proof! PLACENTA SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!

UPDATE: The rapture has been rescheduled, because Snooki denies that she's carrying the anti-christ.

In a court room in L.A. yesterday, a judge watched as two pretty faces slowly contorted into every layer of crazy as Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berryberrycrazee tried to turn down their own insanity while discussing the custody of their daughter Nahla. A hearing was called last week after Nahla's nanny accused Gabriel of pushing her during an argument. Halle asked the court to temporarily take away Gabriel's visitation rights until the whole "nanny beating" thing cleared up. The judge didn't do that, but after a long ass meditation hearing, they all agreed to do the following:

- Gabriel will go to anger management classes where he'll learn that every time he feels like he wants to rage at a trick, he needs to stop, drop his panties and roll on over to the nearest webcam to give all of us a show.

- Halle will continue her own therapy sessions, or she'll be framed for Gabriel's death and will be forced to spend the rest of her life in an insane asylum with an ugly-fied Penelope Cruz in a jacked up wig.

- Halle and Gabriel will regularly meet with a third party to calmly talk about how they should raise their child. The third party will be given one of those Hunger Games suicide pills just in case their sanity can't take facing a two-headed beast of lunacy.

- 3-year-old Nahla will also go to counseling.

- Gabriel wants the nanny fired, but the judge didn't make any decisions about that.

TMZ's source (who TOTALLY doesn't have the name Halle Berry in their BlackBerry under "client") claims that Gabriel was an uncooperative cunt plug during the entire hearing and getting him to agree to the stuff above was like pulling KFed away from the snack table.

It's nice that the judge is trying to work with them and everything, but does anybody really believe that these two nut bags will calmly discuss anything without trying to gnaw each other's pretty faces off? It's always the pretty ones, right? This is why sometimes it's best to go home with the ugly bitch at the bar. Sure, sucking on a pretty face is more fun, but you'll also run the risk of waking up to them screaming about how they hear a baby forming in your gut and they're going to take you to court for custody. Just slip Halle and Gabriel in a his and hers straitjacket, throw them in padded room and let that sand shovel raise Nahla instead. I mean, Nahla is looking at it like, "Yeah, you'll make a good mom."

Here's Halle, Nahla and Olivier Martinez playing on the beach this past weekend.

The term BOLD BITCH has just been redefined, so update your dictionaries. Susanna Barrett, a pageant mom who's been on Toddlers & Tiaras before, has thrown a $30 million lawsuit at TMZ, The Huffington Post and the greatest news source in every universe The Daily Mail for sexualizing her 5-year-old daughter Isabella by posting a video of Isabella singing to LMFAO's "I'm Sexy And I Know It" at a club in NYC. Somebody hand me a bedazzled Kleenex, because a pristine tear of happiness slides down my cheek every time a mother pushes blame on another trick to get a quick check out of it. The Pimp Mama Kris Effect is a beautiful thing.

MSNBC says that in the lawsuit filed in NYC on Tuesday, Susanna claims that the video (seen above in all of its terrifying animatronic glory) is the epitome of G-rated innocence and the media turned it into a piece of illegal sucioness by writing shit like "gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal" to describe Isabella's performance.

"(Isabella) did not understand the concept of sex, let alone 'sex appeal' and could not have been singing about her own sex appeal. It is the defendants who, through their articles, have thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to Isabella. As a result, Isabella is now perceived sexually, erotically and pornographically, and (the stories) have placed Isabella in serious physical danger, attracting the attention of others who would seek to sexualize a child."

I've pulled the Lawyer career card at least three times during the Game of Life and this makes me an expert at law shit, so you can trust me when I say that all of that legal talk translates into: "If anybody's going to make a dollar by sexualizing Isabella, it's going to be Susanna Barrett and Susanna Barrett only! Now empty your fanny pack, Harvey!"

Isabella is the same girl who looked into the camera and said that her 3-year-old arch rival Paisley Dickey (NO COMMENT) dresses like a hooker. So not only should Paisley Dickey (again, NO COMMENT) throw a lawsuit at Isabella for hookerizing her by calling her a wannabe hooker, but White Oprah should also file a lawsuit against every single media outlet for crackieizing her innocent daughter by posting picture after picture of her behaving like a complete cracked out crackhead mess.

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Willow "Coloring Outside of the Lines" Smith, Jaden Smith and their gang of Latch Key Kids left the Louis Vuitton store in L.A. the other night and I have two very good reasons for being mad at her. The first being that the gay poodle's ass on her head has given me a craving for cinnamon candy popcorn and that's not okay since my shit is on a diet after swallowing all the good things Italy has to offer for a week. The second being that I wish that when I was 3 (or however old she is) I could walk around looking like the acid-tipped Bride of Minajestein without the fear of an abuelita slapping the WTF off of my head with a chancleta.

Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.

So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.

Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.

In continuing today's theme of messes being messes, Mindy McCready's 5-year-old son Zander was taken into custody in Heber Springs, Arkansas last night after she snatched him from her father's house in Florida a few days ago. Mindy's mother is Zander's court-appointed guardian and so she can't just take him across state lines anytime she wants. Mindy told the media on Wednesday that she couldn't steal what "belongs" to her and that everybody needs to chill their asses on an ice cube, because her son was safe with her. The authorities in Florida gave Mindy until Thursday to return him, but she said that wasn't going to happen since she's knocked up with twins and can't travel. So the authorities came to her instead!

WZVN says that the police entered Mindy's home in Arkansas last night and searched everywhere for her and Zander. They eventually found Mindy and Zander hiding in a closet. Zander is now on his way back to Florida and will most likely move back into Mindy's mom's house. The authorities didn't say whether or not Mindy would face charges for not returning her son.

Mindy McCready is what you see when you stare deep into the crystal meth ball and say, "Show me Lindsay Lohan's future if she doesn't cut the White Oprah from her life." So when she does messy shit like this, we all sort of shrug. But what really gets me is that Mindy hid in the closet thinking she wouldn't be found. Yes, because trained police officers would never look in the closet. They'd just mosey the hell on in, look under the rug once, shrug and then say, "Aw well! Ain't no Mindy hurr, let's get omelets." It's like on Cops when people hide behind potted plants and shit. I guess when you smoke meth too much, the first thing to go is your hide-and-seek skills.

1. Your choices as a parent might be questionable if you named your child Paisley. Tartan or Argyle I can deal with, but Paisley?!

2. Your choices as a parent are definitely questionable and you should probably resign as a mother to take up a full-time position as the creative director of PedoBear's Children's Theater when you push your kid in front of the Toddlers & Tiaras cameras dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Not even the classy Julia Roberts in the brown polka dot dress after she gets de-whored on Rodeo Blvd. But the pussy peddling Julia Roberts who picks Richard Gere up on Hollywood Blvd. What kind of crazy is running through that bitch's brain to think it's okay and cute to dress her little daughter as a straight-up hooker whore?!

I'm surprised this little prostitot didn't stop, pull a rainbow of condoms out of her boot and tell the audience that she's a safety girl. I don't know whether to laugh as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it, or to weep as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it. Allow me to quote Snobby Saleswoman #1 from Pretty Woman when I tell Paisley's parents: "You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!"

The thing is, what really offends me is that if you're going to hooker up your daughter by dressing her up as a prostitution whore, you could at least do it with the right wig. That wig is more Lady Caca than hooker Julia Roberts. How dreadful.

Brooke Mueller took a break from trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and stopped by Charlie Sheen's mansion on Sunday to stick her nostrils in his carpets hoping that she'll snort up something good. No, in an effort try to get clean Brooke played happy family with the dehydrated warlock and their twins. Brooke and Charlie are usually brawling like two toothless whores fighting over the last bit of crack dust on a broken light in a Super 8, but they put the hate on pause for the sake of their blond tiger cubs. Charlie gave this precious picture to TMZ and said "harmony is our goal. Sunday was a wonderful start." When Brooke graduates from rehab, Charlie plans to move her into a house near his mansion to parent their kids together.

Yes, Charlie and Brooke both have the same looks on their faces as a couple of methed-up crazies who stumble up to you in the parking lot of a Walmart to make a "fair trade" by giving you their toddlers in exchange for what's in your wallet and that bottle of ANTIFREEZE in your trunk, but they're trying.

And yes, I only typed the word "ANTIFREEZE" in all Kanyes to distract Charlie and Brooke with all of the freebasing possibilities while their toddlers sneakily crawl to a safe place where they can be raised by that half-eaten Twizzler.