Cher

It's like the before and after of a collagen embalming. You decide who's the before and who's the after.

The chemical aroma of melting plastic, burnt Shrinky Dinks and Turtle Wax was in the air at ArcLight Hollywood last night when Demi Moore looked deep into the face of her future on Cher's head. I'm sure that Cher and Demi have run into each other before in the lobby of a plastic surgery clinic, but both of their heads were wrapped in gauze at the time so they barely recognized one another. But at The AFI Night at the Movies last night they could finally bond over their mutual love of the scalpel. Cher probably told Demi that she really needs a third lip, because three lips are so much better than two. Demi looked at Cher's cheeks and told her that she really needs to put more CCs of silicone into those things, because if your face cheeks can't perfectly fit into a 32B bra, they're not big enough.

Looking at this picture makes me wish that Demi could really, really sing. Because if she could, these two could recruit Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and start a Morticia Addams doo-wop group. If only.

And here's the lucky ones who got to bask in the plastic beauty of Demi and Cher. In order after D and C: Shirley MacLaine with Sally Field (doing the "friends at the prom" pose), Kevin Spacey (he really needs to rethink his toupee situation), Harrison Ford (he really needs to rethink that earring), Kathy Bates, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt "I Want To Swim Naked Through The Silvery Hair Waves On His Head" Russell.

Never mind that Cher had John Travolta's Battlefield Earth wig on top of her head, I think my heart burped out a warm feeling last night when her eyes got covered with a shiny layer of pride after watching Chaz Bono twist his shit to the Rocky theme song on Dancing with the Stars. It's the same look I made when I read that there's an IHOP in the East Village now. Cher's got that Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity twinkle in her eye.

Cher beaming with pride through her face reminds me of the time that my mom gave me a "good job" hug after my 3rd grade recorder recital even though I stopped blowing halfway (insert your "how times have changed" joke here) and sat my quitting ass down. Just proud as all shit to see their child up there. Chaz and Lacey Schwimmer get an A for effort and they also get a very special A for delivering one of the messiest performances of the night. It was like watching a Fourth of July-themed Scion commercial starring those dancing hamsters.

I don't care if reading one of Cher's Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she's trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don't fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.

When the Kardashian's "fans" (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher's Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).

And if you're wondering what Cher's child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn't call you a lie teller.

via Jezebel

In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the "LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.

They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:

OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"?

Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a "dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl!

Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:

lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply 

Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !

It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.

While rehearsing his Oscar host debut, James Franco recorded his version of Cher's "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from Burlesque and uploaded it to his Twatter as a joke. James claims they pulled this mess from the show out of fear that it'll make Cher's latest face throw itself in an open urn.

James is the greatest performance artist since Angelyne, the literary mind of every generation, a master at the art of memorizing lines and now he can add "homeless drunk hobo chanteuse" to his ever growing list of talents. Warning: This goes on forever and it's the audio equivalent of that picture above. Your ear drums will gnash themselves as much as your retinas are:

Personally, if James is going to do Cher, I'd rather he put his vocal cords to bed and pay homage to her by slipping on her "If I Could Turn Back Time" crotch-suffocating bodysuit.

Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis could melt the UV protection off my eye glasses, but seeing Cher with a ginger mop on her head proves to me that she was meant to play Joan in Mad Men. WOOO! DONNY DRAPER! We all see it! But in Christina's defense, if Cher had a blonde pigtail wig on I'd say that she was meant to play Little Sally Draper too. So what I'm getting at is that they should just erase the entire cast of Mad Men and redo it with Cher in every role.

Cher dropped a Florence + the Machine on her head and slipped into one of Morticia's old dressing gowns for the London premiere of Burlesque tonight where she was joined by Veronica Mars and Xtina.

Speaking of Xtina, ever since one of my friends recently said that she looks like she should be singing with Tommy Gnosis in a diner I've been all about her mess of a look. If only Xtina went FULL HEDWIG and fixed her Vincent Price-like eyebrow situation.

The air space over Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood was temporarily closed last night due to the toxic cloud of burnt polyester hair smoke, boiled Botox fumes and the hazardous fog that forms when Xtina smacks her lips together. It was the premiere of the soon-to-be multiple Razzie award winner Glitter Coyote Showgirls!!!

As Chaz Bono and his girlfriend Jennifer Ella looked on, Cher and Xtina (= Chertina, the most faaaaabulous narcotic on the streets) got all affectionate while hugging on each other. A team from poison control and the bomb squad had to stand by since even the world's most experienced chemists didn't know what would happen when that many chemicals rubbed together.

Well, all of us here already know what happens when that many chemicals rub together: A BOMB CALLED BURLESQUE IS BORN! No, I'm just joking. It's not going to be a bomb. Besides, I can already see the reviews flashing before me: "Tons of fucking sequins!!!!" - Roger Ebert

Why is it that the sight of an international legend made entirely of melted down sequins whose name starts with CH always make me run around my apartment screaming their name with a parade of sparkly exclamation points following behind me? If you ever want to send me into a gay tailspin, just show me a picture of Charo kissing Cher and hold your bowl out as the rainbow popcorn comes flying out of my ear holes. We'll have to do that sometime.

So Vanity Fair slid next to CHER! CHER! CHER! and asked her about everything from Sarah Palin to aging to her son Chaz Bono. Cher never disappoints.

I could sit on a mahogany gothic throne from Cher's Sanctuary catalog, put my fist under my chin and listen to her ass all day long. I wouldn't even shift my fist a bit when the Botox in her face starts to harden and her assistant has to loosen it up a bit with a heat wand. Nope. I wouldn't move.

Anyways, here's Cher!

Cher on Sarah Palin: “I got so obsessed with [C-SPAN] that it was kind of interfering with my life. Sarah Palin came on, and I thought, Oh, fuck, this is the end. Because a dumb woman is a dumb woman.”

Cher on Arizona governor Jan Brewer: “She was worse than Sarah Palin, if that is possible. This woman was like a deer in headlights. She’s got a handle on the services of the state, and I would not let her handle the remote control.”

Cher on getting old: “I think Meryl [Streep] is doing it great. The stupid bitch is doing it better than all of us! But I don’t like it. It’s getting in my way. I have a job to do, and it’s making my job harder. I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, ‘Work out! Work out! Old age is coming!’ At some point you will need the strength. Who would have ever thought you would get this old?”

Cher on paying taxes: “I would be willing to pay a lot more taxes, because I make a lot more money, but I don’t want to give them more to just fuck things up more. It really should fall on people like me to get together and do things to help the people in this country. If you’re not worrying about how to put food on your table, you [should be] worrying about why other people don’t have food on their table. I remember a great America where we made everything. There was a time when the only thing you got from Japan was a really bad cheap transistor radio that some aunt gave you for Christmas.”

Cher on Chaz: "If I woke up tomorrow in a guy’s body, I would just kick and scream and cry and fucking rob a bank, because I cannot see myself as anything but who I am—a girl. I would not take it as well as Chaz has. I couldn’t imagine it. She’s a very smart girl—boy! This is where I get into trouble. My pronouns are fucked. I still don’t remember to call her ‘him.’”

About that fucking up her pronouns things.... Cher shouldn't flick herself in the taint for it. Hell, I've never had gender reassignment surgery and my mom does that to me all the time....and so does the bill collector on the other end of the line....and whoever is behind the drive-thru speaker. Call me "mam" as much as you fucking want as long as you make sure to put an extra slice of cheese on my Double Double!

via Page Six

The dildo in the back of your office desk drawer (I know how you do) is more organic than Cher's face and she needs the help of a puppeteer to move her mouth, but at 64 she still makes young whores run back to their high chairs to sit the hell down!

At last night's VMAs, Cher proved that you don't need to wear dresses made of tires, rain tarps and the back stock of a carniceria to get all spotlights on you. And you really don't need 20 men to help your ridiculous ass get onto the stage. All you need is some mesh, a lot of chunky sequins and a Troy Polamalu wig made of silk yarn.

Cher tucked all her parts into her old "Turn Back Time" ensemble to present Video of the Year last night. Of course it went to Lady Caca, because that bitch won everything. And every time she gave one of her "love yourself" speeches, I felt like I was sitting in the back row at one of Tony Robbins' self-help conferences.

Dear Showgirls, Glitter, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and Coyote Ugly, spray a little Jean Nate on your wet parts, because you've got company. Hopefully.

There might be a new piece of sequins-covered caca to enjoy on Starz at 3am when the only thing you need to keep down the drunk barfs is a big bowl of shit acting with a cup of body glitter. This is the new trailer for Burlesque, the movie where Xtina plays a small town girl in a gutter ass wig who moves to Hollywood to pursue her dream of becoming a superstar singer. Xtina's character gets a job as a janitor or some shit at a burlesque club owned by Julie Masking (played by Cher's wax figure on loan from Madame Tussauds).

We all know how it's going to end. Xtina's going to realize that her soul can't handle Hollywood because it's a town that "swallows you up and spits you out." So Xtina, Cher and Alan Cumming will all pile into a blue convertible and travel cross country to compete in a drag show in NYC.

And not only can I not wait to see if Burlesque is bad enough to join the legendary works of art I listed above, but I also can't wait to see the inevitable stage version performed by a bunch of drag queens Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway.

via Moviefone