Snooki

It's going to be 60 degrees in NYC today, RiRi has publicly turned her back on the Illuminati, Rutgers is offering a Beyonce course and now there's a chance that the Pfizer recall has officially become a disaster to humanity because SNOOKI MIGHT BE SPAWNING! As the 20th century's greatest philosophers Bill & Ted once said: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!"

The respectable journal of truthiness Star Magazine tells us that in a few months a living creature will call Snooki its mommy. You can go ahead and cancel Groundhog Day tomorrow, because that Punxsutawney Phil bitch ain't coming out since he's digging his way to hell as I type this shit. Star's source says that Snooki and her midget hulk of a boyfriend Jionni smushed a baby into her womb and she's telling everybody about it.

“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming."

This is good news for the makers of the first ever tanning bed crib. This also good news for Planet Earth who are assembling their bravest camera crew yet to capture the world's first known birth of a Hulk/Ewok hybrid. Everybody else is fucked, because little Pickole Vodkotta LaValle will devour our world's supply of pickles and taint our jacuzzis.

Oh well, we should all still meet in front of the cave Snooki will give birth in, because there's no way she's going to let a little thing called "pregnancy" get in the way of her drinking gallons of the sweet nectar every night. That placenta is going to be 100+ proof! PLACENTA SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!

UPDATE: The rapture has been rescheduled, because Snooki denies that she's carrying the anti-christ.

Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn't just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:

The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki's head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she's going to say shit like this, but that doesn't mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch 'n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).

On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don't let anybody tell you that pickles don't work as positive reinforcements.

And here's one of Lady CaCa's greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.

Snooki is the epitome of wellness and health so I'm sure you were sitting there thinking that she got her new midget JWoww body from fist pumping the pounds away and sweating the fat off while trying to wrap her kooka milanese around Vinny's watermelon dick, but nope! The Daily Mail points to Snooki's Twitter page where yesterday she admitted that along with the cocktail of meds the CDC makes her swallow with a giant glass of pickle water, she also eats a diet pill called Zantrex. This makes sense since Snooki has what I like to call diet pill face, which is meth face's first cousin. The skinniest Ewok on Endor said this on Twitter:

Glad to hear reports that say I look good =) but it's not because of HCG! Thanks @Zantrex!

One of my followers asked if I was a paid spokesperson for zantrex…yes haven’t you seen the ads in Star?

The DM says that eating Zantrex might give you the these fun side-effects: palpitations, anxiety, cold sweats, nausea, diarrhea, increased heart rate and irritability.

That's funny. Those are the some side-effects a trick gets after eating Snooki.

I took diet pills once and the only thing it did for me was show me what a day in the life of an incontinent tweaker is like. When I wasn't shaking, I was shaking the shit out. It was a mess. The inside of my toilet looked like a Jackson Pollock (Jackson Poollock?) painting. I didn't lose a pound, but I did lose 48 hours of sleep and whatever feeling I had left my no-no so it was a non-stop party. If that's Snooki's idea of a good time, then I say shake and shit your way to thinness, bitch.

And since Snooki is in a dieting mood, she needs to purge the expired bronzer and lipstick (in shade: "slug shit") from her make-up box. Unless she wants to look like Mr. Hankey in drag as Aunt Magda.

Looking like if a baby sasquatch ran off in the middle of getting a full body shave, Snooki walked the streets of Florence, Italy with Deena (or maybe that's my uncle in drag as Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding) today, because she's no longer allowed to drive. After the producers of Jersey Shore promised Snooki a singing pickle vibrator if she crashed into her police escort for ratings, the authorities in Italy revoked her drivers license. There's no need to stock up on pickles and antibiotics, because they're not going to deport her back to America yet.

It was first reported there were no injuries, but that's a lie. That Brother Berenstain Bear looking bitch put two cops in the hospital with minor injuries. UsWeekly says that the cops, who were hired to escort Snooki through Florence, are thinking of pressing charges against her and she faces criminal prosecution if they do. The cops have 90 days to decide what to do. And by that I mean that MTV has 90 days to try to pay them off.

Has anybody started an "Amanda Knox For Snooki" campaign yet, because it needs to happen. But seriously, Italy is almost rid of Snooki and they aren't going to let anything get in the way of that. That's why she won't face charges and she won't go to jail. Snooki could blind a dozen Italian children with the bones of murdered kittens and the Italian police would still shrug and say, "So your flight's at 6, right?"

Here's more of Snooki in and out of a neck brace in Florence today. Aunt Nelda, this bitch ain't!

Snooki, the mutant dingle that escaped from the armpit of America, did exactly what you think she would do if she got behind the wheel of an actual car (not a Big Wheel) in Florence, Italy: the bitch crashed into a police escort. That visual made me visualize the time Vinny's watermelon (with extra seeds) dick crashed into Snooki's Ewok snatch. In both instances, somebody should've been arrested, but in both instances NOBODY was arrested.

The cops in Italy should've come up with a law on the spot! They should've declared that any shaved Wookie from New York who crashes into a police car while shooting a reality show must immediately be escorted to Rome by soldiers and thrown into a coliseum full of hongray lions who have been taunted by Chilean bears their whole lives and are out for revenge!!!! But the cops didn't think of that.

TMZ says that cops questioned both Snooki and Deena, who is giving me Mayim Bialik in Beaches vibes here (no offense to a 13-year-old Mayim Bialik), before briefly detaining the former. They say that booze was not involved, but dumbassery was. Nobody was injured and the police eventually let Snooki and Deena back into the wild.

Okay, who in "can't even reach the gas pedal" hell would let Snooki drive in Italy? I would rather let a drunk, half-blind pig with four left hooves and a bad case of physical Tourettes drive me around in Italy. Are the producers of Jersey Shore trying to kill her?! Actually, maybe that's all part of their series finale plans. They are going to destroy the cast one by one. To which I say, why put the lives of innocent people in danger? If you want to destroy Snooki, just ask her to spell STD.

The 8 mutated syphilis sores who grow stronger in jacuzzi water have all officially signed on to the fourth season of Jersey Shore, which will start shooting in Italy in a few weeks. Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie, Watermelon Dick, Sammi Sweetheart and that other shaved Wooki who isn't Snooki are all coming back to spread a thick layer of pus-filled fuckery on Italy. And they're getting a major raise.

They should really get paid with a few drink tickets, a couple of morning after pills and a coupon book from the free clinic, but Entertainment Weekly says that the main whores (probably Snooki and The Situation) will get at least $100,000 per episode not including bonuses. Each season is typically full of 13 episodes, so that means Snooki and The Situation will have another year where they get to write a seven-figure number on their tax returns! Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!!

The Jersey Shore whores made around $10,000 an episode for season 2, so this is a swift jump. EW says that even though this might make you feel like you failed in life by going to college, Snooki and company are worth that much money. Jersey Shore continues to rule basic cable and has more viewers than most shows on network TV.

This must be the real reason why Democrats and Republicans were meeting until midnight last night. They weren't going to leave until every cast member of Jersey Shore were secured for next season. They know this country's real priorities! You could see the truth in John Boehner's eyes.

By the way, I didn't really mean that "tainting" part. I wish that when I was a youngin', somebody would've taught me how to squat a piss out behind a bar

The Jersey Shore whores are about to be launched into Italy to shoot the fourth (and probably final) season of their cinematic gonorrhea rash of a show, and they were supposed to disappear into the dark oblivion after that. The beasts crawl out of the earth's open sore from Hades, wreak havoc on our people and then slither back into the underworld once the damage has been done. That's what we all learned mythology class (I never took mythology class)! That's how it was supposed to happen.

I mean, JWoww is supposed to use her fortune to open up a roadside strip club/dog boarding/elegant boutique and eventually get sent to prison for dog sex trafficking (Whoring out dogs to other dogs, of course. She's not a total monster). Pauly D is supposed marry the Guidette of his dreams, get really fat and get a job as a night manager of a check cashing place. And Snooki is supposed to lead the Ewoks in a battle against the Imperial shield generator. They aren't supposed to be on our TVs anymore. Oh, but they are! USA Today says that MTV has picked up pilots starring Pauly D, JWoww and Snooki! The gruesome details:

MTV has just announced two Jersey Shore spinoff shows.

First is The Untitled Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "JWoww" Farley Project. Viewers will get to see how Snooki and JWoww "deal with life and love" in 12 episodes.

The second - The untitled Paul "DJ Pauly D" Del Vecchio Project - will follow Pauly D's "jet-setting and often hilarious life on the road as one of the country's most in-demand DJs." MTV has ordered 12 episodes.

Both of the reality projects will begin production later this year and are slated to air in 2012.

Our only hope are the Italians! They can lure them under the Tower of Pisa and then make it lean ALL THE WAY. Yes, an icon of Italy will be destroyed forever, but that's a small price to pay!

The mutant hybrid of Xtina and the yolk from a Cadbury egg made her second appearance on WWE last night when she threw her red panda coochie in the air and pinned down Michelle McCool. Snooki has taken part in plenty of tag team sessions before, but this is the first time she's ended up on her stomach instead of her back. That overcooked candied yam is always full of surprises. SNOOKI: a one-woman midget tossing contest!

Source: Guyism via TDW

You might have been wondering why your labia sealed shut or your dick crawled further up into your crotch last night. It's because whenever the words "Snooki" and "raw" are used in the same sentence, all genitals within a 4,000 mile radius immediately go on lock down. But Snooki got raw in a totally different way last night. The human keg made an appearance on WWE Raw and rolled around with lady wrestler LayCool. WWE Raw and Jersey Shore are both as real a trick's orgasm moans when The Situation is bumping on her, so this pairing makes sense. It's the Pabst Hawaiian Punch of reality TV!

WWE isn't even trying to make this seem believable. It's like watching an overfed baby wild boar with no teeth trying to nip at the leg of a giraffe. Like Henery Hawk humping on Foghorn Leghorn's ankles. Like Miss Piggy tackling a bitch. In real life, that LayCool ho would just have to lift up her knee against Snooki's forehead and file her nails as the mutant Circus Peanut tried to get at her.

And you know there's some sucio Oompa Loompa fucker out there who is jacking to this with lube tanner.

via Guyism

Sitting on a rocket that should be launched into the black hole (or Ronnie's asshole), La Pequena Xtina opens up her pickle wrangler and pushes out a Jacuzzi jet's worst nightmare on the cover of Rolling Stone. We can all raise our pitch forks at Rolling Stone, but we are as much to blame for this as they are. We all watched that first preview of the first season of Jersey Shore. We all watched every episode of the first and second seasons. We all had something to say about this shaved wolf woman and typed it in detail on the Internet. We created her! So all of us should throw ourselves on that rocket heading towards the black hole too. (Huddle time: Just as the rocket is about to launch, we'll all accidentally fall back onto the ground. Don't tell Snooki.)

In the new issue of Rolling Stone, the kidney stone Xtina admits that she gets embarrassed when she watches herself on Jersey Shore and knows that she mostly looks like a log of poop out of a Vitamin A addict's ass.

"If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it. I just hate it. Obviously, they're only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I'm seeing is me drunk and falling down. That's how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, 'Really, Nicole?' I look like a freakin' alcoholic. I'm like, 'You're sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.' I just look like shit."

Before Jersey Shore, Snooki wanted to be a veterinary assistant, but she says she can never go back to that life now that she's America's sweetheart.

"When Jersey Shore ends I'm going to do more spinoffs. If MTV doesn't want them, another network will be, like, 'What does Snooki do now?' or 'Snooki's getting married!' What I'd like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions...I'm trying to build an empire, because after this I can't get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?"

The good news is that if Jessica Simpson looks down into the crevices in the bottom of the barrel, she'll actually see someone looking up at her! Good for Jess! The other good news is that the chances of Snooki building an empire are about as slim as me growing an extra b-hole (I've tried). They say Rome was built in a day, right? Well, it takes Snooki more than a day to spell Rome.

Snooki also tells the MTV of music magazines that shooting a reality show is just like prison!

"It messes with your head. That's why we go crazy. That's why we fight with each other. That's why we drink. We're living in a house for two months with that shit. We can't have cellphones, TV, radio or the Internet. If the president died, we'd have no idea. There's no normalcy. It's just like prison, with cameras."

If Jersey Shore is a prison and Snooki is an inmate, why the fuck do all of us feel like we're the ones being punished?!

Speaking of getting punished, since we're already in that place, here's a video of Snooki abusing pickles.

That sound you just heard was the Vlasic pickle stork flying directly into a plane's motor.