Elton John

Elton John's husband David Furnish went on a bitter old queen rant the night Madge won the Golden Globe for Best Song over the song from his movie Gnomeo & Juliet. Shots were fired and Madge made a mental note to claim the soul of David's first born Zachary by revenge fucking him in 18 years. We should all assume that Madge also threatened to strangle David with her velocicrotch in his sleep, because he's put down his weapon, slid it over to her side and is now saying on Facebook (via UsWeekly) that his words were blown out of proportion.

"Wow! What a tempest in a teapot. My comments regarding The Golden Globes have been blown way out of proportion. My passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet and belief in Elton's song really got my emotional juices going. But I must say for the record that I do believe Madonna is a great artist, and that Elton and I wish her all the best for next week's premiere of the film W.E."

Hmmm. I wonder which part was blown out of proportion? The part where he wrote "Madonna for Best Song? Fuck off!" or the part where he wrote that her "acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism." Or maybe the part where he used her old CD booklets to line the inside of Elton's Depends? I hate it when this shit happens. David let his bitter bitch flag fly brightly and now he's backpedaling up Madge's ass, because he's afraid she's going to make his hairline jump back a few inches when she puts him in a neck-hold with her engorged peen arms. David is an embarrassment in his wussyissism (and I'm an embarrassment for using the word wussyissism).

And when you write the line "my passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet," everything you write afterward should be struck from the record, because it's obvious you're okay with not making sense and it's not right for you to drag us down too.

Speaking of W.E., here's a piece of The Daily Telegraph's smile-inducing, heartwarming and day-making review:

Madonna’s skill with the camera seems to extend to her being able to turn it on, but not a great deal further: to liven up an argument between Wallis and Edward, she has her romantic leads inexplicably run around a tree trunk. Later, we see Wallis dancing the Charleston with an African tribeswoman to the strains of 'Pretty Vacant’ by The Sex Pistols in front of a Charlie Chaplin film, which must be a strong contender for the most garbled, half-baked image in cinema history.

W.E. is — still — a stultifyingly vapid film, festooned with moments of pure aesthetic idiocy. With characteristic humbleness, Madonna performs a song called 'Masterpiece’ over the end credits, although one can’t help but feel that her 2003 number one single 'Sorry’ might have been more appropriate.

Now that's how it's done, David! W.E.'s chances at getting nominated for an Oscar are as bleak as my asshole getting nominated for an Oscar, but the academy should still flash this review when they acknowledge Madge's movie career in the In Memoriam segment.

(Thanks Gillian)

This is what old British cunt queen Elton John said on the GGs red carpet last night about going up against his arch rival Madge in the Best Song category: "Madonna hasn't got a fucking chance."

This is what happened a couple of hours later when the winner of Best Song was announced:

The OTHER old British cunt queen won and the look on Elton John's face was a thing of bitter beauty. It's like Elton inhaled the British queef (yes, she queefs with a British accent) Madge let out to make room for her bloated ego as she went on stage to gloat about beating him. Madge dropped a vagina fart on Elton's words and forced him to eat it. Elton wanted to strangle the smug fake Britishness out of Madge's tongue the same way her dress was strangling her chichis.

And Elton's mad face slowly got even more mad as Madge beat the Guinness World Record for saying the word ME approximately 45 million times in the span of 45 seconds. It was the highlight of the night for me, because I love it when old cunts fight. But it didn't stop there. Later last night, as Elton rage ate through a turkey drumstick that his chef sculpted to look like Madge (completed with charred turkey gristle arms), his husband David Furnish spewed more bitter bitchiness on Facebook:

"Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!! Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it's narcissism. And her critisism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is."

This feud is almost better than watching your abuelita on your mother's side and your grandma on your father's side fight over the last piece of cake in a cup at your birthday party. You know, as much as I'd love to watch Madge and Elton slap each other in the face with pristine white gloves, I'm going to need Queen Elizabeth to hit both of them with her pocketbook to show these not knowing hos who the real QUEEN is. If Queen Elizabeth isn't available, then Quween on the Scene can step in for her.

Putting Rosie O'Donnell's gay family cruise to shame, Neil Patrick Harris, his partner David Burtka and their twin baby friends are currently making the pink dolphins in St. Tropez spit sparkly rainbows out of their blowholes by sailing around on a fancy yacht with Elton John, his husband David Furnish and their baby friend. BABIES AND GAYS! One of those things hates me right away and the other one of those things only hates me after I make a mouth vom when they ask me if I like Lady Caca.

When NPH and David aren't singing the lullaby version of show tunes to all those babies (the original cast recording comes out in the fall) down below, they're letting the sun grace their bulges on the deck.

You know, seeing NPH all grown up and with his own babies should make me feel old and lonely, but it doesn't. I'm too busy coming to terms with the fact that a topless Doogie Howser is making my nipples twerk by themselves.

Elton John has gathered everyone into the small conference room of a chain hotel, waited for Billy Joel to arrive and then read him a "Please Get Help Already" letter loud enough so we could all hear it. Is Candy Finnigan amused, or is she side-eyeing the hell out of Elton?

Elton used his interview with Rolling Stone to make a public plea to his former tourmate, Billy Joel, to stop going to spas masquerading as rehab centers and get real help. It's not exactly a secret that Billy Joel has been a drunk old bitch for a long time, but now Elton is lifting the torn velvet curtain and letting everyone know that the "Uptown Girl" Billy sings about is probably the lady bartender at Turtle Bay Tavern who isn't shy with the whiskey. Elton put it like this:

"At the end of the day, he's coasting. I always say, 'Billy, can't you write another song?' It's either fear or laziness. It upsets me. Billy's a conundrum. We've had so many canceled tours because of illnesses and various other things, alcoholism.

He's going to hate me for this, but every time he goes to rehab they've been light. When I went to rehab, I had to clean the floors. He goes to rehab where they have TVs. I love you, Billy, and this is tough love.

Billy, you have your demons and you're not going to get rid of them at rehab light. You've got to be serious. People adore you, they love you, and respect you. You should be able to do something better than what you're doing now."

Let's assume that Elton has already said all of this to Billy's hound dog face and him telling the world is a last stitch effort to force his friend into rehab. It's sort of (not really) like the time one of my boyfriends was sick of me eating crumbly ass cookies in bed. He'd beg me to stop and I'd tell him to eff off as I bit into a delicious Famous Amos. The dude had enough, so one day in the grocery store he says in front of everyone, "Hmmm. I wonder what flavor of cookie crumb I'm going to find stuck in my ass crack from you eating cookies in bed?" Yeah, it didn't work, but he gets an Oreo dingle in the ass for trying.

Anyway, the trees on Long Island thank Elton John for trying too.

Maybe it's because the only places I go that sells magazines are porn shops and delis where the owner doesn't seem to have a problem displaying covers full of bare vagina, but I've never seen this "Family Shield" foolery before. You learn something new! But yeah, Twitter user jennhudd took this picture at a Harps grocery store in Mountain Home, Arkansas of a Family Shield protecting the innocent eyes of children from Elton John, his partner and their new baby. The Family Shield is a work of real fuckery, but it did make me notice David Furnish's glorious receding widow's peak for the first time. So it did give me that.

Jennhudd later Tweeted that the "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" wall of grey plastic has since been taken down. A spokeswhore for Harps gave an interview to GLAAD (via JMG) confirming that the shield blocked the gayness after several dumb shits complained:

I spoke with Harps Corporate Executive Assistant Marty Yarborough, who told me that every Harps store is equipped with these shields and that they get put up whenever customers complain about the content of a magazine cover. She said the word from the store about this particular cover was that “several” customers had complained, so the shield went up. She also confirmed that these shields are utilized on a store-by-store basis, so the magazine would not have been covered up at any of the other Harps locations, unless customers complained there as well. She also told me that the usage of the shield on this particular cover is “in no way our opinion on this issue.” She quickly added, ”we do not have an opinion on this issue.”

The hos who took time out of their day to complain about a cover of UsWeekly need to fucking eat a Family Shield. It's not that serious. If one of their kids asks them why two grown men are holding a baby, they just need to explain it to them simply. Sometimes when a man falls in love with another man, they get married, jack off into a plastic cup, blah, blah, blah, blah....BABY! It's that simple. The kid will probably say "okay" and then scream at their parents to buy them a damn Snickers.

And does anybody know where I can get one of these "Family Shields"? I just got a Life & Style with Bachelor Brad on the cover in the mail and I need to shield it from my own eyes.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

We're about to be bombarded with millions of magazine covers starring babies with their eyes closed, and Elton John and David Furnish are leading the mob with their spread in OK! Magazine. Elton and David tried to adopt two orphans from the Ukraine, but they were shut down repeatedly so they turned to surrogacy (using Elton's jizz) and that's how Zachary Jackson Levon was brought into their lives on Christmas Day. A few quotes from the article have been released, and thankfully "Over the Moon" did not pass through Elton's lips as far as I know. Crisis averted. One down, a million more to go. Here's what Elton and David had to say about being new fathers.

Elton on holding Zachary for the first time: "I've never felt anything like it in my life. You're so awestruck, I will never forget that feeling ever."

Elton on how he won't dress Zachary up in $5,000 diamond glasses and Versace onesies ("Stop lying" - Baby Zachary): "I'm ready to have a child and lavish my love on our son and not spoil him materially."

David on how their surrogate's vagina was powered by NASA: "'My God, there's the head!' Then he shot out like a rocket basically - so much so that the obstetrician sort of caught him! It was so dramatic and exciting, we didn't have time to get emotional. Like there he was, talk about fast!"

Happiness is a quiet baby friend in overalls and a white polo, but couldn't OK! have found a better picture to grace their cover? They made Elton look like a grown Howdy Doody going through a Buddy Holly phase. Elton's eyes are pulling my soul in and trying to shove it into the vortex between his teeth. Just focus on the baby in the overalls and everything should be okay.

And no, that baby friend in turquoise leggings is not theirs. Elton John and David Furnish got a new model fresh out of the womb factory! After years of trying to get an adorable slobbering of their very own, Elton and his husband David announced to UsWeekly that their new son was born via a surrogate in California on Christmas Day! Please please please lie to me and tell me the surrogate's name is Mary.

Unfortunately, Elton and David did not name their son Glasses Tiara Furnish-John. They turned it down a bit and gave him the almost normal name of: Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. Yeah, that Levon. If I was Elton and wanted to name my child after one of my songs, I would've went with "The Bitch Is Back" but that's just me. Here's what 62-year-old Elton and 48-year-old David said about their new bundle of slobber and coos:

"We are overwhelmed with happiness and joy at this very special moment. Zachary is healthy and doing really well, and we are very proud and happy parents."

I was reading the comments at another site and many bitches were crying out shit like: "That's selfish! Those old hags are too old to raise a baby!" "When that baby graduates, one of those old bitches is going to be coughing up Benefiber balls in the audience and the other is going to be bothering everyone with his geriatric farts! Blah! Blah! Blah!" "That poor child will have to learn how to jumpstart a Hoveround by the age of 6!"

Give me a fucking break. I can't predict what kind of parents Elton and David will be, but as long as they keep Baby Zachary covered in rhinestones, wigs, glitter and pink tutus, they'll do fine. Besides just because you're of baby chasing age, doesn't mean you're going to make a wonderful parent. The other day I was at the grocery store and some young mother kept barking all kinds of nonsense at her daughter in front of everyone. You know, I'm all for yelling at brats, but this little girl wasn't really doing anything wrong. At one point, the girl started dancing with a loaf of bread and the bitch mom goes, "Put that down, Renee! You look like a little idiotic slut!" Idiotic slut. Nice. The "idiotic" part was WAY over the line. It's not like the loaf of bread she was dancing with was Wonder Bread. It was sourdough or some shit. She obviously made the right decision and her mom still threw hate at her.

The producers of American Idol might be freebasing a mysterious powdery substance left in Paula Abdul's dressing room, because TMZ says they are actively trying to find a replacement for Simon Cowell. And a source says that word on the set is that Elton John is a front-runner for the position. Elton has been a guest judge on Idol before. Elton's spokesbitch wouldn't say shit about this rumor.

Simon Cowell is the truth teller of Idol! Ellen Degeneres is there to tell jokes. Randy Jackson is there to keep the Kraft Services staff company. Kara DioSHUTTHEFUCKUP was planted there by the pharmaceutical companies so millions would pop anti-anxiety meds every minute just to deal with her annoying ass. And Simon is there to bring the truth in the truthiest way possible.

So while I know Elton is clearly capable of bombing the dreams of young singers with his words of bitchery, I still think Simon is irreplaceable. And yes, I too read the word "irreplaceable" in Beyonce's singing voice. Look at what poop culture has done to us.

Personally, I think Simon should drag Elton John and Paula Abdul to the judge's table on X-Factor. Two cunts and a crazy is the formula for an instant success!