Taxi cabs stopped honking, pigeons stopped pecking at other pigeon carcasses, Amanda Bynes stopped hiding her face with her purse and Donald Trump stopped being an asshole for five seconds, because they all stared at Christina Hendricks as she strolled down the street in Manhattan looking like a ginger goddess in sparkly gold shoes. You know passengers gave up their cabs even though she didn't need a ride and traffic stopped. Christina is looking like the kind of power bitch who is coming for your company, your man, your apartment, your vacation house, your 401k, your charge account at Lord & Taylor and your everything else! Who cares if Christina probably choreographed this walk in her hotel room for hours before she came out? This is some fresh out of a vintage Vogue shit and that soulless ghoul Anna Wintour better eat her bangs over this.
And later, Christina Hendricks came out of The Daily Show with her magnificent chichis looking like two sunsets. Bitch closed down the night and then some.
You are not among the living if you don't immediately start searching for any signs of the Hamm steak as soon as you see a picture of its owner Jon Hamm. It's a natural reaction. Just like knuckling yourself in the eyeball is a natural reaction to seeing the name "Kardashian." You just knuckled yourself in the eyeball, right? If only you could put the Hamm steak on it to stop the swelling.
The cock-blocking executives at AMC must've told Jon Hamm to shove his crotch beast in a bowl of ice before sticking it between his ass cheeks and holding it down with metal chains, because it did not make a grand appearance at last night's season 6 premiere of Mad Men. Those bitches at AMC just don't appreciate what they have, because they should've rolled out the red carpet for Jon Hamm's big dick. Hell, they should've rolled Jon Hamm's big dick out and used it as the red carpet.
Except for the little girl, mostly everybody looked like hell last night. Christina Hendricks covered up her magnificent chichis and dressed like an 85-year-old Italian widow. January Jones looked like a sad Popsicle. And Vincent Kartheiser's guinea pig comb over is just dreadful. I'm assuming that they all looked like shit on purpose, because they wanted all of the attention to go to the true star of the show, the Hammaconda. And it didn't even show up. It's a sad day for us all and AMC can eat some cold ass in hell for that.
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night's Hammaconda-less Mad Men premiere party. In order: Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, Kiernan Shipka, Alison Brie, Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Jessica Pare, Teyonah Parris and Ben Feldman.
Don't-Focus-On-My-Tatas-Even-Though-I-Shove-Them-Up-To-My-Eyebrows-In-Plunging-Necklines advocate Christina Hendricks would like you to quit staring at her luscious bewbs for a second and focus on her hair instead. For all of us str8 women who are able to defy the odds and actually drag our eyeballs up there, she wants us to know that her modeling agency once said HELL NO!! to her signature fiery locks. The naturally blond Christina (prove it! - half the planet) dyed her hair bright red for a photo shoot and was met by a "Daaamn girl, you ugly!" from the head of her agency.
In Christina's words (via the Daily Mail):
'When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, "You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair."
"I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.
'I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!'
I kind of have to agree with her that the red suits her and helps her stand out in a sea of blindingly bleached blond bimbos (say that three times really fast, I dare you) but really, who gives a shit. Good, hair talk times are over and now our ADD asses can go back to being mesmerized by her real stand out features, those twin Verne Troyers half out of her top.
Christina Hendricks is the face of Specsavers (which I guess is like LensCrafters) in Australia and she was in Sydney earlier this week promoting some contest for the brand. Christina sat down for an interview with Kate Waterhouse from the Sydney Morning Herald (via Warming Glow) and awkwardly giggled in an "I'm gonna slap this little twat down with one of my chest domes" kind of way when Kate called her a full-figured woman while making the sign for "big bitch" with her hands. Kate asked Christina a question about being an inspiration to full-figured women, and the ginger goddess' publicist stepped in to say that no questions about her weight are allowed. Kate either didn't hear what the publicist said or decided to really burn the ginger off of Christina's locks, because asked the question AGAIN!
SMH (which today stands for Shaking My Head) said that Christina stopped the interview and when the cameras were off, she said to Kate: "I think calling me full-figured is just rude." SMH also said that a radio host was told to not ask Christina any questions about her magnificent chichis.
Some think that the term "full-figured" is a compliment and some think that "full-figured" is just a condescending way of calling someone a lard ass heffa. Christina obviously thinks the latter. I don't know what to think. I'm waiting to hear Jennifer Livingston's thoughts on this.
But seriously, Kate Waterhouse is in the wrong and it was very unprofessional of her to ask Christina questions about her body. Christina wasn't there to talk about the heavenly mounds of cashmere fluff that make me wish I was a miniature person so I could joyfully bounce on them like I was in a Sleepy's commercial. Christina was not there for that. Christina was there to talk about eyeglasses! So if Kate Waterhouse was a true journalist she would've asked Christina more relevant questions. You know, she should've asked Christina if Specsavers puts a special anti-streak coating on their glasses that makes it really easy for you to wipe away cum splatters without worrying about streaks. Kate should've also asked Christina if ever she paints a pair of red lips around her belly button, puts an extra large pair of eyeglasses over her titty balls and then makes her stomach say sexy things a sexy librarian might say. Those are relevant and smart questions. I swear, that Kate Waterhouse is no kind of serious journalist.
Christina Hendricks' husband can't believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, "Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven't looked at my face once!" during their wedding ceremony.
Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn't get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn't even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue's ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.
After THAT episode, I really thought I'd see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn't happen. The Emmy bitches also didn't do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm's hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.
And here's a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm's peen (yes, it's so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.
The Creative Emmy Awards (aka The Your Shit Isn't Good Enough For The Emmys That Shows On TV ceremony) was held in the employees break room at the Staples Center in L.A. yesterday and Christina Hendricks landed on the red carpet looking like this. I'm guessing Christina is saving the panty creaming theatrics for the REAL Emmys next Sunday, but still, how does this happen? For some reason, this dreadful look reminds me of when my 12-year-old self used to wrap Christmas presents with bed sheets and bows made of pillow cases. I don't know if bitch fell into the curtains or the curtains fell into her.
Where are the chichis?! Whenever Christina comes out wearing a low-cut neckline with her chichis pouring out like thick white clouds of ethereal mist rising above Mt. Olympus, some hating whores always have to say shit like, "Ugh! She always has to show her tits! We know she has tits! Why does she always have to remind us she has tits?" Shut your mouth on a training bra, bitch. We need to be reminded. Remind us, Christina! Remind us, Christina! It's like we've all seen a beautiful sunset a million times and yet whenever there's a beautiful sunset before us, we take a picture of it with our iPhone, upload that picture to Instagram and then refresh a million times waiting for our friends to say, "OMG what a beautiful sunset!"
Christina's chichis are like a beautiful sunset. They never get old, they're a work of natural art and they're best viewed while eating cheeses and sipping table wine on a picnic blanket with our friends.
And speaking of shit that didn't need to happen last night. Jeremy Davies won a Best Guest Actor in a Drama Emmy for the acting stuff he did on Justified, and he collected his trophy with this on his head:
That hair is only okay if you're Dominic from The Real World: Los Angeles or a guinea pig who just got gang banged in a tornado.
Here's the others who showed up to last night's Emmys Stepchild Awards: Juna from The Comeback, Nick Offerman with Megan Mullally, Padma Lakshmi, Dot Jones, DJ Tanner, Margaret Cho, Melissa McCarthy (looking like a Mennonite bridesmaid), Brenda Strong and Neil Patrick Harris with his hags.
And by "everybody" I mean Christina Hendricks (who is EVERYTHING) and that Olivia Munn person. You might have been wondering why every chichis-lover with internet connection in your life locked themselves in their bedrooms today and stuffed a towel at the bottom of the door so their musky fap fumes don't get out. Now you know why. Cell phones pictures allegedly of Christina Hendricks and Olivia Munn with their titty balls out somehow made their way onto internet this holy day and I fully expect both of them to pull a Blake Lively by saying, in their best Shaggy voices, that it isn't them.
For real, though, some of those pictures might not be them. The picture of Christina's magnificent chichis in their nipplelicious glory could almost be anyone. It could also be a rare picture of the fluffy clouds in heaven since I'm pretty sure that's what the landscape in heaven looks like. You can judge for yourself by grabbing your Detective La Toya kit before clicking on this NSFW link (via ONTD).
And those captions to Chris Pine on Olivia's pictures are all kinds of hilarious. I need her to write my Craigslist ads! If Olivia wrote that shit, she should really quit everything she's doing and write comic book porn full time. And about that "big, long dick" thing, we all need to see that receipt, in high-res and laminated form preferably.
UPDATE: TMZ is saying that a few sources close to Olivia Munn claim that the pictures without her face fully showing are not of her. Olivia has posted those other pictures on her Twitter before. So there's nipples in the pictures, but the nipples in the pictures do not belong to Olivia Munn.
SECOND UPDATE: Christina Hendricks' rep tells TMZ she was hacked and all those pictures are of her except the full nipple one. So just like Olivia, the nipples ain't hers.
It's been said that the gift the Three Wise Men brought to Jesus on his born day was a ginger with magnificent chichis carrying a bottle of scotch. (Yes, I know that the Bible, OR WHATEVER, technically says they brought him gold, frankincense and myrrh. But that's just old Bible talk for ginger, chichis and scotch. I went to catechism for like 2 years so I know.) So because of that, these Johnnie Walker ads starring Christina Hendricks ARE Christmas. The only note I have is that if they really wanted to make this shit really classy, they should've put a glass of scotch on each one of her titty balls and asked her to clink them together.
And if you stare long enough, it sorts of looks like a naked double amputee Santa Claus mistook her dress for a chimney and dove in head first. Extra Christmas points!
Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.
Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...
Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:
Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.
Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.
The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.
Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!
Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.
Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).
Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.
Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.
Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.
Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.
Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.
Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.
Kate Winslet who is there.
To remind those skinny simpleton hos (see: SJP, Olivia Munn, Jordin Sparks, the boy version of The Shining Twins, etc...) that nothing dims their shine like her megawatt titties, Christina Hendricks employed a trio of midgets with step stools to push up her massive mammary mounds up to the lord's nose and into a dress made of carbon thread so that she could shimmy shimmy coco puff on the red carpet at last night's NYC premiere of I Don't Know How She Does It (said every training bra tramp when staring at the duo of back breakers on Christina's chest).
You know, Christina's titty game never gets old to me. Never. Every time my eyeballs jump across them I see something new. Sometimes I see two Swedish bossy bottoms doing ass to ass with a double-sided dildo and this time I see a double-amputee CoCo trying to 69 with Christina. She's got the Rorschach test of tits!
Even Matthew Broderick doesn't know what to do with himself since all of the oxygen is being sucked up by Christina's nipples and he can feel THEM CHICHIS closing in on his face. It's like he's trying to sing showtunes in his head to keep himself from falling into a full-on chichis-induced breakdown. "Cliiiimb ev'reeeeee mountain - Oh, shit I can't do that one. The hiiiiiiills are aaaaaahlive - Fuck, not that one either. Beeeeeaaaaauty and the breeeeeeeeeassssts - SHIT!" It's okay, Matthew, just think of them as two Swedish bossy bottoms doing ass to ass and everything will be alright.
Here's more hos who tried to outshine Christina's magnificent chichis last night but failed. In order: Olivia Munn, Greg Kinnear, Jordin Sparks, SJP, Matthew Broderick, twin toddlers in fucking satin and JACKIE COLLINS!