Alexander Skarsgard

With his pubes of a cherub locks smelling like Nice 'N Easy and his mighty viking oar legs covered in dad jeans from Mervyn's going out of business sale, ASkars is embracing the homely to play a normal looking person in Disconnect which shot scenes in Yonkers, NY today. Yes, it's obvious that ASkars is trying to Charlize Theron his way to an Oscar by camouflaging his natural SWEDISH GOD OF THE GODS hotness with the wardrobe of a father of three you'd stand behind at Chili's To Go, but I'm glad he did. Because this is some shit that should make you swoon out of your reasonably-priced cotton panties.

This ASkars probably smells like Palmolive soap (because the soap dispenser full of Dial in his shower ran out), only stays in motels where he can use his AAA card, still uses a Thomas Guide, always asks the waiter at Carrows if they have specials and only answers the phone by saying "Yell-o!" May the viking gods slap me in the loins with a thunderbolt for saying this, but I prefer my ASkars served like this. This is some realness I can get into.

I mean, this ASkars' idea of a hot Saturday night is probably sharing a bowl of Jiffy Pop and a bottle of Chateau Diana while reading Joyful Noise poems together before getting into some lights off missionary sex on his Jennifer Convertible. How can you fucking not prefer this ASkars?!

Let's just assume that this bite-sized caramel twinkie was actually the same height as ASkars, but magically shrunk down before the Swedish mountain of hotness so that he could gaze up at him the way one gazes up at the sun. Let's also just assume that pygmy gay's fly was actually up until ASkars came along and it dropped low so that his peen could breathe in some Swedish musk. That little pocket hottie is only doing what we would all do in this situation. Actually, most of you public whores would be asking the pap to hold your purse as your knees started to bend.

And who ever said that a picture is worth a thousand restraining orders, was talking about this picture.

The sun is shining, and coochie and ass lips alike are clapping together now that ASkars and the splintery broom who didn't turn back into her human form when Belle declared her love for the Beast are no longer humping on each other! Today, the sound of an angel's orgasmic queef comes form UsWeekly who is pleased to announce that ASkars' Swedish meatballs are back on the Ikea buffet line after two long years. Grab your trays!

"It was very mutual," a source tells the new issue of Us. "And it happened a while ago."

During a July 21 Film District bash at Comic-Con in San Diego, the actor, 34, flirted with a brunette -- and left the party with her.

"He's single," confirms a source, "and he is loving the attention!"

YES! Now all of us can finally twist our nipples to ASkars' half nekkid ass nekkid body without worrying about Kate Bosworth crawling out from under our beds like an oatmeal version of that crazy little bitch from The Grudge. This is not only good news for our fap fantasies, but it's also good news for Kate's stomach. Now that she's no longer only slurping on ASkars' pickled gherkin, she can put some actual food in her mouth. But really, I can't blame Kate for not taking her mouth off of ASkars' pickled gherkin, but I can blame her for letting go. If I was Kate Bosworth, I'd immediately shampoo my hair since her mop looks like a plate of onion straws marinating in pit sweat. Then I'd get on his peen and never let go. ASkars' dick would be Jack and I'd be Rose. But unlike Rose's dumb ass, I'd NEVER let go.

(Image via Superhero Fan)

If my fuck parts produced the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, ASkars, Joe Mangina-Jello and Ryan Kwanten (Beeehl and his soggy crepe-wrapped zombie face are not invited) would've shown up wearing only thongs made out of bloody vampire fangs and gold chains attached to each other's nipples, and they would've gotten ALL THE ATTENTION. But since my fuck parts didn't produce the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, those three showed up wearing wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin (Chuck Woolery shout out!). Instead, all of the attention went to Evan Rachel Wood and her Flowbee fresh haircut. BOOOO.

Evan Rachel Wood showed up looking like the Happy Hour-shift bartender at an L-Word themed bar and tells Popeater that she cut the locks that Marilyn Manson used to nibble pie bits out of, because she's really androgynous.

"I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls... I'm into androgyny in general. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly growing. I think I'm a little controversial? I just try and keep some mystery, so hopefully people can't really put their finger on it."

You know what I want to put my finger on? Her tongue, so she can shut up with that "I'M SO EDGY! I'M SUCH A PRINCE SONG! I'M SO NOW!!!" crap. Bitch is about as mysterious as a pus-filled wart on Paris Hilton's labia. Bitch needs to change into a mouth gag and kindly sit down. Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick.

These little wet noodle hos think that if they chop their hair off and put on pants, they are suddenly the second coming of Tilda Swinton. Newsflash, bitch, looking like a recently divorced French teacher who came back from summer break with a "hot new" cut she got from the head stylist at MasterCuts is not EDGY. ........wait. Since I put it that way, maybe this is edgy and new after all. Carry on, Evan!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere. In case you haven't been introduced yet: ERW, PAM!!!! with her husband, Ryan Kwanten, Joe Mangina-Jello, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, ASkars, Carrie Preston with Michael Emerson, Sam Trammell with his wife, Deborah Ann Woll with her guest,

If you worked at GQ and got a call from Alexander Skarsgard's publicist confirming that he will be happy to grace the cover and pages of your magazine with his long Swedish limbs, what is the first thing you would do? If it was me, I'd immediately torch the sample closet, hypnotize the editor into declaring June "The Nekkid Swede" issue and tie up any stylist who came to the set with "clothing options for Mr. ASkars." That's what anybody with working genitals would do!

Well, anybody but those hos at GQ. They completely covered up the sexiest thing that has come out of Stellan Skarsgard's penis hole! ASkars' lingonnips? Covered up! They also covered up ASkars' happy trail that leads to the FLÄRKE in his pants! (FLÄRKE is the name of the Ikea bookshelf that took me four hours to build and left me all sore up the next day. I'd like to think that ASkars' peen has the same kind of power.)

If that wasn't bad enough, GQ also asked the director of Straw Dogs what the set was like during ASkars' fake rape scene with his girlfriend Kate Bosworth.

"In the beginning, Kate would be crying after every take and Alex would try to comfort her. By the end, everybody got really raw."

So GQ kept ASKars' body under wraps and then brings up rape and Kate Bosworth's name in the article. Way to break a wave of boners, GQ. Why didn't go they all the way by making Gwyneth Paltrow interview ASkars about his feelings on CROCS in the room where Osama was killed?

It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

Amanda Seyfried and Elle Magazine got together, and some time before or after she posed with a goose, she casually let it be known that she felt the wet warmth of Alexander Skarsgard's Swedish berries on her tongue once or twice. Amanda said it like nothing. Like the same way John Galliano says, "J'adore di Hitler." LIKE NOTHING! Allow me to let this information marinate on my WTF place while you go through all the quotes that came out of Amanda's mouth before she dropped an envelope filled with SKARS.

On her best on-screen kisses: “I can’t lie. It didn’t suck making out with Channing [Tatum] and Justin [Timberlake]. “

On who she would like to be paired up with next: “I’d really love to make out with Michael Fassbender. Put me in a movie with that guy. I’m serious. Wow.”

On falling in love on set: “[It is] one of the easiest things in the world. You’re both open. You’re put in a situation where you have to make out with each other. It’s easy for things to get carried away.”

On how she thought her recent ex Dominic Cooper was breaking up with his longtime girlfriend to be with her: “I was just kind of foolishly thinking that the two of them were done and Dom and I were involved. But we weren’t really as involved as I thought. So I got my heart broken pretty hard.”

On eventually getting back together with Cooper: “…and then it took a long time for us to break up again. After that, it’s really hard to open myself up to a new person. Really hard.”

On her rumored romance with Ryan Phillippe: “Um, yeah. I’ve been ‘seen’ with him.”

On Alexander Skarsgård: “We dated. He’s superfunny, but I was too involved with Dom.”

HUH?! Amanda didn't dump ASkars because her vagina kept clapping his name in Morse code and it got distracting. And she also didn't end things with ASkars because she kept screaming the name of IKEA products when he was hitting it from the back and it freaked her out. Bitch quit ASkars for Dominic Cooper! Amanda obviously didn't say this in front of the goose or that trick would've pecked her tongue out. And I would've held the goose's purse while it did so.

True Blood's Nest organized a battle between Vampire Beeeeehl and ASkars to see who could suck out the most money for charity. The loser had to pose for a picture while wearing a t-shirt designed by the winner. Well, as you can tell by the fact that your khakis are around your ankles and a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign is hung over your cubicle wall, Vampire Beeehl's team won and he forced the Swedish meatball to pose in a pink "Bill's Bitch" t-shirt.

Beeehl raised $35,043 for the Gulf Relief Foundation and ASkars raised $34,223 for SOS Children's Villages.

These pictures are definitely worth a thousand words (and other things). And they're even worth more if you pull the camera back with your imagination and picture Beehl standing on one of Tommy Girl's apple boxes to kiss his Swedish bitch. Now who's the real bitch, Beeeeehl?

via ONTD

And pretzels! And pickles! And radish bouquets! And velvet! And deli meat! And tostadas! Sweet Baby Jesus has given me a wonderful gift of all the things I love most and it's not even my birthday! But it is National Lace Day and that's practically the same thing.

Here's a few more beautiful pictures of ASkars promoting True Blood, Mrs. Field's cookie cakes, Auntie Annes Pretzels and overall bizarreness in Munich, Germany today.

The lovely beauty with delicate eyebrows on the left posted this picture on her Twitter page of ASkars in uniform on the set of Battleship in Hawaii. Make sure you sing along when your genitals start whistling the music to "Up Where We Belong."

"Where the eeeeeeagles fly, on a mountaaaaaain high...." That song and this picture are not leaving my life today.

via Santress (Thanks Anne)