And You Are....?

No, this isn't a picture of a zombie Ellen DeGeneres siphoning whatever youth is left from her latest victim. This is Nick Carter and his girlfriend Lauren Kitt awkwardly trying to make out with each other's cheeks at his 32nd birthday party at Vanity in Las Vegas last night. You're thinking what I'm thinking so let's just scream it together: THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT FACE??? (That question applies to both of them)

While Aaron Carter doesn't completely look like he just fell out of a Faces of Meth Magazine, Nick looks like he's been on the cover of Faces of Meth Magazine: AARP Edition. Should I call a priest who specializes in exorcisms? Should I call a damn doctor who specializes in leprosy of the face? Should I call somebody with hair clippers since I'm sure that 1970s Bieber pimp mop on Nick's head is sucking all the hot out of his face. Those extra wide pube chops he calls sideburns are making Nick look like a 65-year-old David Spade who time traveled back to the 1970s to work as a low level porn producer in Hungary. I just wanna stick an IV drip in his hair and then gently blow his eyelids down so he can get some sleep. Damn.

Somebody get the number to 911 and call it, because this shit is serious.

Looking like he's had way too many Chemical Romances, Johnny Depp waves an acrylic prostate stabber in a new still from Tim Burton's Dark Shadows. I'm not sure if he looks like a white goth NeNe Leakes (it's the bangs and sharpened acrylic nail) to me or the love child that Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson should've had together. That shit is unclear. But what's crystal meth clear is that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are majority share holders in Hot Topic.

I know some grown ex-goths in their 30s who are going to break into their old high schools, fix their old records so it looks like they actually flunked and then re-enroll just so they can miserably stomp through the halls with a Dark Shadows t-shirt over their fishnet top and a Dark Shadows lunchbox in their hand. All bought at Hot Topic, of course. It's a GOTHSPIRACY!

via USA Today

A natural reaction to this new promo picture for Beyonce's last album is:

Because that looks like Beyonce as much as this pasty fat blob of depressing feelings over my stomach looks like Serena Williams' 10-pack. But some bitches aren't mad because the "Harpo, who dis woman?" Photoshop tool was abused during the making of this picture. They're mad because they say Beyonce was whitewashed AGAIN. Over three years ago, L'Oreal was accused of giving Beyonce whiteface filipinoface and now the #1 newspaper in Fuckeryville, The Daily Mail, says she might be at it again. They brought out some comments from 2008 that a writer for the Daily Mail made about how Beyonce is bad for Black and Asian girls:

"Too many black and Asian children grow up understanding the sad truth that to have dark skin is to be somehow inferior. Of course, black and Asian parents work hard to give their children a positive self-image and confidence in their appearance, despite the cultural forces stacked against them. But when black celebrities appear to deny their heritage by trying to make themselves look white, I despair for the youngsters who see those images."

But the DM also spoke to some "expert" who said that Beyonce's lighter skin color in the picture above could be from bright lights on her face and shit. To me, that's exactly what's going on here. It's just a light! Specifically, it's just Beyonce glowing inside from the illuminated seed of infinite light that Jay-Z jizzed into her. Either that or Beyonce was too busy shopping for South American baby ovens at the time of this photo shoot and so she asked my Cuban friend Armando to do his best Kylie Minogue drag for this picture.

(New York GIF via RealityTVGifs)

The Internet assembled into one big Detective La Toya last October when a Texas-based Asian American actress threw a $1 million lawsuit at IMDB for exposing her real age of 40 instead of posting her Hollywood age of 30-something. The female question mark of Asian descent wanted IMDB to pay for fucking with her money, because she claimed in her lawsuit that Hollywood discriminates against 40-something unknown actresses. The guesses were everyone from Catherine Zeta-Jones (a valid guess) to Bai Ling to the entire cast of The Joy Luck Club. The good thing that came out of this is that it made me watch The Joy Luck Club again and I bonded with my dog by reciting the line "You make-ah me happeh" into his eyes on a daily basis.

Anyway, IMDB asked a judge to dismiss the case if the actress didn't reveal her identity. The Hollywood Reporter reports that the judge has sided with IMDB and the anonymous actress has dramatically stepped out of the dark and revealed that she's the one and only:

JUNIE HOANG!!!!!!!!!

According to those bitches who did her wrong, IMDB, Junie Hoang was born Huong Hoang in Saigon, Vietnam on June 16, 1971. Junie's illustrious credits include 12 Corazones, My Big Phat Hip Hop Family, The Bong Connection, Operation Repo, Gingerbread Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver and an episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant as a triage nurse.

If you guessed Junie Hoang, then give yourself a slap in the face and follow it up with a punch to the eye, because that's what you get for lying. Nobody guessed Junie Hoang! Because nobody knows who Junie Hoang is. But I guess a bunch of us do now and I hope that Junie Hoang at least gets to play the role of Junie Hoang when some show on truTv does a reenactment of this. (SPOILER ALERT: She won't. Some 20-year-old white girl will get the role.)

Okay, not really, but I know what will make you sluts sit up and take notice! If I had written "Signing Off" or some lame shit like that, you would have yawned, farted, scratched your ass and continued eating nachos in yesterday's t-shirt. Or maybe that's just me and I'm giving away too much personal information.

Anygettothefuckingpointsweetas, I just wanted to say thanks to Michael K's Wild Kingdom for allowing him a little break and for choking down my unsalted cracker posts for a week. King MK will be back soon, sporting his beautiful bedazzled tin-foil and garland crown and pink-ribboned Princess Barbie scepter and showing the blogosphere how shit is done RIGHT.

Seriously, I had SO much fun and was proud to be in the company of J. Harvey and Lahoma, both of whom I would love to see next time Michael takes a well-deserved vacation. Now it's time to say goodbye, and go back to my basement desk and 10-key (glamorous, I know) and flask hidden in the top drawer so I can stomach my real life job. Thank you again, and now I'm off to work on welcoming 2012 with a scorching hangover, missing underwear and no recollection of the nights events (Godsend, that guy looked like a cracked-out Gollum and had a micro-peen) like the rest of you beautiful people. Sweetas OUT!

Lindsay Lohan and Playboy jumped Marilyn Monroe's image in a back alley and all of the pictures from that tragic event have already leaked a week before they're supposed to come out. You can get it (NSFW) here, here, and here. It's way beyond Photoshop. It's a blond Pete Burns painted in velvet. If the Chinese guy at my deli, splattered himself in orange paint and threw a dusty white wig on his head, he'd look more like Lindsay Lohan than Lindsay Lohan does. Those pool noodle lips (the ones on her face) looked better on the Rocky Horror Picture Show poster.

As WOW Report said, "It's Amanda Lepore!" Well, Amanda Lepore with disappearing nipple plates.

(Thanks to Chelsea and Jonathan)

Ashley Greene, or as you know her as "?????", lives inside of a glistening bubble fresh out of delusion's ass where she truly believes that the paparazzi just magically show up without her calling them and she's as big of a tabloid star as Brangelina. Ashley said in the new issue of Allure Magazine (via UsWeekly) that the non-love triangle between she, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato was basically the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston love triangle for the potty training set. Ashley headbutted the clouds as she said this:

"I'm really happy that she's (Demi Lovato) doing well. She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn't go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie."

"Ashley, please tell me your thoughts on Demi Lovato," said absolutely fucking no one.

Ashley really makes hallucinating seem fun. Ashley, when you're done with that blunt of shredded delusion, please pass it here, because I'd really like to see this pimple on my chest as a third nipple everybody's getting in line to suck. Then, you can go to the section marked "HO, SIT DOWN" and get comfortable. You're going to be there a while.

Megan Fox in her natural state looks like a pore-less mannequin who uses liquefied plastic as a daily moisturizer, so there was no need for Armani to dull every tool in their Photoshop drawer on their new Christmas ads. Yes, CHRISTMAS. Whores are pushing us to buy Christmas gifts and some of us haven't even stuffed our moose knuckle-giving summer shorty shorts in the back of the closet yet. But what's even grosser than that is that they turned Megan into some sort of Voldemort Real Doll in a wig. Amber alert for that ho's nose! She's all nostrils. Maybe Armani knows something we don't know. Maybe they know that the aliens will take over our planet in a couple of months so they want them to feel at home with these ads.

On the left is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun, and on the right is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun. Seriously, both of these bitches belong in the SALE section of the Yankee Candle catalog.

At Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas yesterday, Fergie Ferg proudly unveiled the wax figure she made herself by using her newly sharpened nose to chisel out her likeness from a block of melted honey candles. The belle of Hacienda Heights christened her new wax figure by grabbing onto its plastic wax tit balls for the cameras. Now Fergie knows how her doctors feels when they give her plastic wax tit balls a squeeze during a breast exam.

But seriously, I don't even know which one looks more like the real Fergie. That walking wax figure in the red dress looks more like Lacey Schwimmer with a deflated chin. This was just a bad business decision on Madame Tussauds' part. Fergie rotates and pinches her mug so often that every few months Madam Tussauds will have to hire the Holmes on Holmes crew to renovate her wax figure's face so it matches. IN THIS ECONOMY nonetheless!

Because every white actress with a SAG card has to terrorize the image of Marilyn Monroe by playing her, Michelle Williams is playing MM in that My Week with Marilyn movie and here she is in full MM drag on the cover of October's (Happy Halloween!) Vogue. Yes, this is Michelle Williams AS Marilyn Monroe. It's not a still from a Halloween episode of Dawson's Creek where Jen is waiting for Grams to pick her up after Henry dumps her at a costume party or some shit. It's very "Ahs juss sittin' here waitin' for my ride.... durp... durp.... durp... duuuuuuuuuuurp."

Why couldn't they get the other Michelle Williams (from Destiny's Child) to play Marilyn Monroe instead?

Source: Fashion Spot via ONTD