And You Are....?

A world-renowned philosopher named Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel once told a Las Vegas casino security guard who didn't know her: "Google me, you dumb fuck!" Those thought-provoking and important words have lived on thanks to Amanda Bynes.

TMZ says that Amanda tried to get on a private jet headed for L.A. at Teterboro Airport in New Jersey, but the pilot refused to let her on the plane, because she didn't have a valid government issued ID with her. Amanda screamed about how her license was suspended and she didn't have any other kind of ID. The pilot kept shaking his head "no," so Amanda finally told him that if he Googled her, he'd find out that she's Amanda Fucking Bynes! Strangely enough, the TSA does not accept a Google image page with your face all over it as proper ID. When the pilot asked an official from the private jet company if he can let her on even without a valid ID, he got a no and Amanda was officially denied.

Amanda told TMZ that their story is as fraudulent as those pictures of her drug den and I'm sure she also threatened to sue TMZ, the pilot, the private jet company, Google, the machine that makes government issued IDs and James Cameron, because he totally used his special effects skills to create the Amanda Bynes hologram that terrorized Teterboro.

Amanda should be happy that the pilot denied her ass. There's so many Amanda Bynes doppelgängers out there and it's hard to tell which one is the real Amanda Bynes. If that was really Amanda Bynes trying to get on that jet, she should've just said to the pilot, "You're an ugly-faced man." That's the only confirmation he would've needed to welcome the real Amanda Bynes to his flight.

Or is that the dude from Storage Wars?

Christian Bale (more like, Christian Bald) and his hair are fucking done professionally, because he shaved it all off and worked his new bald bitch look while walking through LAX with his family the other day. I don't know whether I want to buy meth from him or bid against his ass at a storage auction?

Christian looks like the kind of dude who blasts Hinder from his yellow F-150, keeps his white socks on during fuck times, calls everybody "champ" and eats beef jerky while fapping to porn. So with all that being said, yes, I'd hit it, but only if he kept his sunglasses on.

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese's husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn't driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim's silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I'm guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn't believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn't do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who's got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the "Do you know who I am?" line is that they'll forever be known as the trick who uses the "Do you know who I am?" line.

And I'm going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I'm also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese's mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch's eyebrows look drunk. That's not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it's cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don't know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a "Harpo, who dis woman?" when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That's not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I'd recognize every single name on there. So let's see how your ass does. Here's the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!

Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy's mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff

Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he's never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.

There's only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn't piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin's twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.

This past summer, I waived Cressida Bonas away when she was spotted getting on Prince Hot Ginge at a club in London. Just like that wart on my taint, I didn't think Cressida would stick around for long. And just like that wart on my taint, she came back and it doesn't look like she's leaving anytime soon. Cressida Boner really showed me to not underestimate her skills at luring the hot ginger one, because here she is snuggling up to his ass on a ski slope in Switzerland yesterday.

I know, how can Prince Hot Ginge canoodle with a chick named after a mid-size Toyota sedan in public, in front of the cameras, in front of our eyes! How can a hot ginge be so cold? I want to scream the same thing my ex-boyfriend's mother screamed at him when he brought me home for dinner, "How dare you bring your WHORE into my house?!" The audacity! But whatever, that is just the jealousy talking.

I mean, look at this bitch's life. After a long day of skiing with PHG, she gets to warm her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush. Then after warming her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush, she gets to sip tea while the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN. Then after the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN, she gets to burn her tongue on PHG's stovetop nalgas. The life: she is living it!

But The Mirror and their insiders are wrong for calling her "the one." Unless she's a puppy wrangler who shoots vodka from her butt and can beatbox the European house song of his choice on command, she's not the one.

I could've titled this post Lee Daniels as Lee Daniels, or Oprah as 80s Della Reese, or Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan (!!!!!), but I went with Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan, because that doesn't look like Alan Rickman at all to my eyes. But that's Alan Rickman and he's killing me softly with that Reagan smile.

Oprah Instagram'd pictures of everyone on the set of the new Lee Daniels movie The Butler. The Butler follows Gerard Butler after he finds a time machine and uses it to travel through the decades and fulfill his dream of boning all the First Ladies of the past. No, The Butler is about a butler who served eight presidents including Reagan. Oprah's plays The Butler's wife.

And I see Jane Fonda fucking with the Republicans with the power of a pair of brown contacts. (Side note: Nothing freaks me out more like seeing blue-eyed people with brown contacts).

And and, here's another picture of a Dynasty-ized Oprah with Lenny Kravitz in their aging makeup. Lenny may or may not be playing Benson.

I still would, even more so if Lenny kept his Benson look on.

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

When Fox announced that they were mashing together NBC's The Voice and The Dating Game by airing a blind date show with celebrities in spinning chairs, I figured that they would take the definition of "celebrity" all the way and blow a star dust storm in our eyes. I'm not wrong! Last night, Entertainment Weekly posted the list of stars who sit and spin for a date on The Choice, and they really reached deep into the A-list universe for this one. And by that I mean they went on their tiptoes, reached into the A-list universe, lost their balance and fell backwards into the bottom of a barrel where they found most of their cast. When Joe Jonas is the biggest star, you know the rest of the cast is going to make the first season of The Surreal Life look like a night at the Oscars.

Here's the full list and prepare to repeatedly say the line White Oprah says to her youngest one (aka the one who doesn't make her any money) when he asks her for a hug: "And you are....?"

Joe Jonas - Former purity ring wearer, sometime yodeler and current blind item star
Pauly D - Jersey Shore whore and #3 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Romeo - Child rapper, child actor and the trick who confuses my nipples since he sort of looks like Webster on roids
Dean Cain - Rick Perry supporter and the Superman to Teri Snatcher's Lois
Tyson Beckford - Supermodel and one of the biggest advocates of the Bushy Pubes for Men Club
Rima Fakih - Noted drunk driver and Miss USA 2010
Carmen Electra - A flower from Prince's garden
Sophie Monk - Australian pop something and fellow Wonky McValtrex hater
Rob Kardashian - Ugh
Rocco DiSpirito - Part-time chef, full-time reality whore
Warren Sapp - Football player
Finesse Mitchell - Comedian and former SNL cast member
Jeremy Bloom - Olympic freestyle skier
Jason Cook - Soap opera actor
Michael Catherwood - Co-host of Loveline, former DWTS contestant and the trick whose last name sounds like the medical name for getting a boner while a catheter's up on your peen
Seth Wescott - Olympic snowboarder
Parker Young - The hot but dumb jock son of Ana Gasteyer on Suburgatory
Ndamukong Suh - Football player
Dr. Robert Nettles - Plastic surgeon
Taylor Hicks - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Situation - Jersey Shore whore and #1 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Rob Gronkowski - Football player
Steven López - Olympic martial arts fighter
Hope Dworaczyk - Playboy Playmate of 2010

See. It's like looking at a line-up of all your one-night stands. So many questions marks filling your head!

You know who's missing from this, though? JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! The Choice is something right out of her Vajazzled wet dreams. It was made for her. Was Fox afraid that there wouldn't be any men for the other tricks, because every time one came out, JLove would tackle him and secure him with a tuxedo straitjacket before dragging him to the nearest chapel? Did legal not clear JLove, because they were afraid of all the accessory to stalking lawsuits they'd be hit with? Oh, whatever. JLove doesn't need to be on the show to catch a man. During every taping, JLove will hide around the corner from the studio exit door with a rope in her hand. Whenever she smells a man, she'll drop the rope and a cage will fall on him. SCORE! JLove never gets a husband, but she ALWAYS gets her man.

It's amazing what GOOP's silicone second chin from Shallow Hal and a fat suit borrowed from The Insider can do. Here's Sir Anthony Hopkins in full Alfred Hitchcock drag for that movie about the making of Psycho, which also stars Helen Mirren, Toni Collette, ScarJo, Jessica Bile (typo and it stays), The Karate Kid and James D'Arcy. Yup, I see it. This picture has suddenly made me jealous of all the dudes who were lucky enough to piss next to Hitchcock in a public bathroom. If you stand sideways next to this picture, you can kind of know what it felt like. I bet you could always count on Hitchcock to never look down.

via Coming Soon

Yes, Carson Daly somehow found a way to exist past 2002. Carson currently hosts The Voice (I know you thought that the wooden dummy from Magic hosted The Voice. I'm sorry to drop a sad on you like that.) and also has some kind of radio show. I don't know what Carson talks about on his radio show, because I'd rather shove my ear in a cow's ass than listen to his voice. But Carson said some shit this morning that got him onto TMZ. When talking about the JetBlue pilot whose mental state QUIT THIS BITCH during a flight a from NYC to Las Vegas, Carson Daly joked that if the flight was full of gay dudes headed for a floral convention ("Good one, Carson!" - Tommy Girl), they would've been too scared to break a nail to jump in.

"Most of the people were on their way to some sort of security conference in Las Vegas ... it was like a bunch of dudes and well trained dudes ... thank god." He then went on, "With my luck, it would be like ... 'this is the flight going to [the gay pride parade] in San Francisco ... I mean, that would be my colleagues." He then did a lovely stereotypically "gay" voice and said, "Uh, we're headed down to Vegas for the floral convention."

Here's the audio if your ears need that tonight:

Carson has since said he's sowwy.

Carson Daly's head is filled with nothing but saw dust and old Dick Clark farts, so I'm actually surprised he came up with that himself. You know, Carson's joke is whatever to me, but I can't say it's true. First of all, I'd Vaseline up and pounce on a pilot for keeping me from the buffets and dime slots in Vegas. Second of all, Carson's factory-defected frog puppet ass would be too busy Tweeting to do shit. Third of all, Carson obviously hasn't seen a brawl outside of a gay club at 3am, because that shit is like no other.

The most offensive part of all of this is that I'm typing Carson Daly's name and the year is 2012.