Harvey Is An Angel
Katie Price announced today that soon she'll birth out the luckiest human alive who gets to call England's national treasure and earth angel Harvey Price its brother, because she's knocked up with her fourth OK! Magazine cover baby. When Katie Price married part-time stripper Kieran Hayler in the Bahamas last month, we all heard the sound of a shotgun going off and figured it was just the sanctity of marriage putting a bullet in its head. But nope, that shotgun went off, because Katie Price had a fetus in her womb when she said "I do" to her future ex-husband. Katie told The Sun today that she and Kieran weren't planning to have a baby together, but sometimes it happens when you and your piece bump crotches bareback-style.
“It’s come as a shock. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous because I’ve experienced miscarriages in the past. But we’re all over the moon. The baby wasn’t part of our plan at this stage but anyone who knows me knows I’m not one for sticking to rules and plans.
I haven’t actually been sick yet but I’m already starting to feel it. I’m having to lie down a fair bit because my stomach feels like a washing machine."
This will be Kieran's first kid (that he knows of) and Katie's fourth. She has two kids, Junior and Princess Tiamamaimaiamiamaimaia, with Peter Andre and she claims that she made Harvey Price with Dwight Yorke, but I'm pretty sure she got pregnant with Harvey via immaculate conception. I read that in the Bible somewhere.
I'm going to choose to ignore that horrific OTM violation and instead congratulate the newest Price. Yes, the newest Price will have a father who will wax its chest and give it a Brazilian when it's 9 months and yes, one of the first things it will smell will be the rancid cat piss scent of his mother's self tanner, but it will have Harvey Price as a brother. And that's the greatest gift of all.
Here's Katie trying to hide her bump while going to dinner with her stripper husband on VD.
Katie Price once again redefined the definition of bridal elegance on Wednesday when she slipped a nip and gave everyone a thigh show after she made part-time stripper Kieran Hayler (or as earth angel Harvey Price probably calls him, "Fuck OFF!") her third husband in the Bahamas. When Katie married Harvey Price's first stepfather Peter Andre, she looked like a pink Barbie cake violently diarrhea'd all over her. When Katie married Harvey's second stepfather, cross-dressing cage fighter Roxy Baby, she did quickie-style in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. And for her third wedding, Katie got married at Sandals in the Bahamas and wore a classic stripper gown while her future ex-husband wore a sensible mother of the bride blouse. The Sun has the pictures and you should brace yourself for the demure classiness that will hit you after you click over.
Katie and part-time stripper Keiran Hayler have been together for about nine seconds and she tells The Sun that she knew he was destined to be her third husband, because a psychic told her that she would marry a man named KEVIN. "Keiran" is practically Irish for "Kevin" and Katie cares about the sanctity of marriage as much as she cares about having dignity, so she figured why not!
“I saw a medium who told me I’d already met the person I was going to marry. She also said his name was Kevin. Well, Kieran has been after me for a year, ever since we were first introduced by our mutual friend Phil Turner — husband of my make-up artist Gary Cockerill (Note: I wish my last name was Cockerill). Apparently, he’d been asking for my mobile number for ages. And his name is also close to Kevin, so it all became clear. I took a friend with me who made notes during the session with the medium because I wanted to make sure I’d heard everything accurately. Yes, I’m following my heart — but I’m not harming anyone. All I can say is there is no Pricey rulebook. If I feel something is right, I’ll do it, even if it comes out of the blue.”
Katie also said that this is ONLY her third marriage, so get off her ass.
“This is only my third marriage. I did my own Pricey Marriage Survey and discovered I was in good company. Joan Collins has been married five times, Liz Taylor did eight and Zsa Zsa Gabor nine. So there! I get stick, but no one has picked on them for all the marriages they’ve had.”
I've always said that a couple that waxes their assholes together, stays together, but I have a feeling that just like a newborn pube sprouting out of Kieran's crotch follicle, Katie's wedding ring will be plucked off and thrown into the trash in about ten minutes.
Harvey Price wasn't at the wedding and I'm not mad at Katie for that. Harvey probably had better things to do like ANYTHING other than going to this wedding. Besides, once you've rolled your eyes at one Katie Price wedding, you've rolled your eyes at every Katie Price wedding.
Katie Price's divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn't finalized yet, but that hasn't stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin' stick to Katie Price and now it's her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie's rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions "Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?" and "Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?", she said YES! It's a wonderful day for Katie's divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie's cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie's rep had this to say about her latest engagement:
“It’s true — they are engaged. Leandro proposed to Katie while they were away skiing recently — and she said yes. They told her children but had intended to keep it secret for a while. No wedding arrangements have been made and they are both quite relaxed about that for the time being.”
Leandro designed Katie's ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you learn that there's a 6-year-old girl trapped inside of Leandro and Katie's favorite jeweler also designs the rings sold in candy machines outside of The Dollar Tree. This tacky mess looks like a dingle pulled off of Parasite Hilton's ass hairs:
I have a feeling that this is going to last longer than Katie's past marriages. Leandro and Katie both barely speak English and they both have exquisite taste in jewelry. They're meant to be. Oh, what am I saying? This shit isn't going to last. Katie has had ass warts that lasted longer than this marriage will last. I just hope that at the wedding, Harvey Price will continue to be the voice of the people by quoting himself while giving a speech at the reception:
I know I pull that clip out of the vault every other damn week, but it's a gem and gems were made to be appreciated at all times. And it best expresses my thoughts about pretty much everything.
The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple.
Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time.
That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!
Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!!
Thank God Katie Price is a lie machine wrapped in silicone wrapped in orange wax strips, because if she was really telling the truth when she said she was going to stop pushing her chirruns in front of the cameras, then our retinas would've never been touched by the rays of sunshine that spun out of Harvey Price's smile at a screening of Lion King 3D in London today. Really, if you put a microscope under a sun's ray, the words "IT'S HAAAAARVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" is the only thing you'd see.
Of course, our Earth Angel Harvey wasn't the only Price child there. Katie brought out Princess Teamoyomama, Junior and two of their little friends. That little boy in the blue is posing so damn hard for the cameras you'd think he a 6-year-old me at a Barbizon audition. Boy Blue is Phoebe Price-ing out of his mind, but Harvey's still got this without even trying. Nice try, Boy Blue, but don't quit your day school.
And it was festive of Katie Price to decorate the top of her head in the theme of the day. Bitch's weave looks like it was dragged across the Serengeti under a wildebeest's hoof after three hyenas tried to mate with it in the swamp.
Since this country doesn't have enough homegrown trash covered in stripper glitter and straightened hair ripped out of a yack, we're importing more from the UK! Katie Price is telling The Sun that she's once again going to lube up her body in brown tinted Trex (that's "Crisco" in British talk) and shove herself down America's wide open throat hoping that we don't vomit her up this time. Katie has already signed a deal with FOX to do a reality show where she'll take a Priscilla, Queen of the Desert-like road trip from New York to Los Angeles.
Yes, I'm sure it'll be just like Priscilla....but without the entertainment, talent, hot outfits and the priceless soundtrack. Basically, it's going to be like one of the oil balls that was spat out of Priscilla's exhaust pipe. Katie put sit like this:
"It's taken nearly a year to set this contract up. We're thinking of doing the road trip from New York to Los Angeles. But I want a big Priscilla-style van. You've got to make it fun. The cameras will be inside the van. That's what we're working on at the moment. I'll be in America in September and they're trying to work out what they want to do. I'm not trying to be famous or massive, I'm just doing what I want to do."
"I'm not trying to be famous," said an extremely humble Katie as her legs were wrapped around a spotlight and the room started to smell like burnt labia hair.
I know that most of the UK is praying that Katie's bus will take a wrong turn into a strict Amish compound where they will mistake her for a hochmootich scarecrow riding in a gay steel dragon and burn her at the stake. But I'm keeping it simple and praying that Katie brings HAAAAAAAAAAARVEY (who will obviously be spared by the Amish because he's an angel).
Katie Price is in Argentina visiting the family of her baby-faced boy toy Leandro Penna and the two nearly floated off to the great big reality show in the sky when their Jeep crashed into two runaway horses. The horses died instantly after they smashed through the Jeep's windshield (R.I.P. horsies). Those horses' last image was of a woman who exclusively wears bleached horse manes on her head. A cruel place: the world is.
The paramedics arrived and treated Katie for cuts on her hands and whiplash. Leandro also jacked up his neck like he had just followed Willow Smith's lead a little too literally. The Mirror says that three other passengers in the car, most likely cameramen, walked away uninjured.
A source says that the horses leaped over a fence and jumped in front of the Jeep. Leandro hit the brake hard but it was too late. The source went on to say that if it wasn't for seat belts and Katie's dual chest bags, she would've been killed too. But when Katie spoke to The Mirror, she was more concerned about the horses, “It was absolutely terrifying. It all happened in a flash and I have absolutely no idea how I wasn’t badly injured. I feel so lucky, but more than anything I’m just distraught about the horses. It was so upsetting.”
The cameras were not rolling at the time and Katie's motto is if it doesn't happen on TV, it didn't happen at all. So her reality show's producers have hired actors to dress up in stallion costumes and they will re-enact the whole thing. The shit show must go on!
Meanwhile, this world's angel Harvey Price was safe and sound in the UK with Peter Andre. You can unclench your soul and exhale now.
If this was a game of "Mother, May I?", I'd tell all those paps to take 50 large steps towards Backupthefuckupville. It's not every day that a world-class treasure like Harvey Price glides through LAX, but let the boy inhale some oxygen instead of camera flashes. Damn. But Harvey is a professional so he smiled his golden smile even though most of us are frowning at the pair of angel wings hugging his mom's nipples. Too soon, Katie, too soon.
Katie Price is in this Los Angeles this week to attend the Oscars on Sunday. Because the recession is still a real thing, the Oscar budget has limited the amount of statue stand-ins they can buy this year. Katie Price does have the complexion of a rusty soccer trophy and it's cheaper to fly her in than buy another Oscar, so she'll be a stand-in this Sunday. Remember this when you watch Christian Bale grab onto her ass while giving an acceptance speech.
No, they're all in town because Harvey Price was invited to Elton John's Oscar party and Katie is going to be his +1. And because Harvey knows where the good shit is at.
Katie Price has finally announced that her 11-month-old marriage to cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid is about as numb as the feeling in her nipples after having a dozen titty rotations. There have been rumors for weeks that Alex is moving his dick-tucking panties and fishnet bodysuits out of their marital home, and now Katie has confirmed it in a statement that will take you more than 11 months to read.
Katie should've let Harvey write this statement, because he would've kept it simple and right. Harvey would've wrote, "ALEX! FAMEWHORE! USER! LIAR! MANIPULATOR! HEART HURTER! CRACKERS!" Okay, crackers have nothing to do with Alex. Harvey just loves them (File under: things I've learned while reading all of Katie's shit autobiographies).
Below is Katie's full statement. Cancel your plans and attach yourself to an IV drip filled with vodka if you're going in, because it will take you all night.
"Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly - we all make mistakes and this was one.
However, Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difficult for me to understand and caused issues. I have tried to help him with these issues but they have put a considerable strain on our relationship.
Our difficulties were also not helped by Alex becoming more fascinated by life in the media eye. Obviously I cannot be critical of someone wanting to do this and originally I tried to help him with his career by getting him contracts with my production company. If Alex wants to honour those contracts, the production company is more than happy to do so.
However, Alex’s desire to promote himself caused a change in the dynamic of our relationship and contributed to our alienation.
Alex and I have spent many hours discussing our relationship and trying to make it work but the issues between us are too deep rooted. I had hoped that we could end our relationship amicably and without a war of words in the media.
I appreciate that there are those that will not believe that but I had agreed I would say nothing more than the statement we had jointly prepared. This was not because I am concerned what Alex may truthfully disclose but to give him comfort that I would not discuss the issues that so strained our relationship.
I had hoped that Alex and I could remain friends but I am not sure if that is possible given events since last Sunday when we were on the verge of releasing a statement. Alex asked that we did not release any statement because he wanted more time to think.
The intervening period has, however, seen a number of false stories appear and photographs of Alex with my son Junior in the gym which it is absolutely clear were posed for. Alex is fully aware that I have sought to remove my children from the public eye now they are of an age to understand and be affected by media coverage of them.
I feel incredibly let down that he did this while asking me for more time to discuss our relationship and just hope that the stories circulating that he sold those pictures are not true.
It is true that I have asked Alex to leave the family home and that he will not do so. I would leave myself but the house is equipped for Harvey’s needs. Alex would like to portray himself as honourable and I hope he acts that way.
Contrary to some reports I have not discussed financial matters with my divorce lawyers. I would like to make clear that the allegations that I have been dragging out any announcement so that my film crew can capture on film Alex’s upset are complete fabrication.
I am deeply upset that my relationship with Alex has failed but I know it is the right thing for my children and I that we separate. My children are my absolute priority in this and they are being shielded from what is happening."
You know, it's kind of a cunty move on Katie's part to write a statement that her estranged husband can't read on his own. She lost him at "behaviour," because that's when the cartoon stars circled around him and the words "HERP DERP" filled his empty head.
And condolences to the British public who will be attacked with non-stop covers of OK! starring Katie and Alex's hemorrhoid faces. Hopefully, OK! eases the pain by throwing a Harvey cover in there every now and again.
Katie Price thinks that Harvey, Princess Tiamamameckaleckahimeckahineyho and Junior should all send her and Peter Andre thank you notes for making them the luckiest children ever by getting divorced. They aren't lucky because they no longer have to listen to the loud slurping noises Katie made when she ate on Peter's ass. No, Katie says that they are lucky because they now get twice as many presents and vacations!
On This Morning Katie told the hosts, “I think it’s probably good I split with Pete when they were so young. I was about their age when my parents got divorced and I can’t even remember it, so hopefully they won’t either. They’re lucky really, all kids with divorced parents are lucky because they get extra Christmas presents and trips out and two sets of birthday presents.”
At first I thought Katie had a point, and then I went to peek into the treasure box filled with all the presents my dad bought me after my parents divorced. Guess what? It was fucking empty! The only thing my dad ever got me was a stupid acid washed jean jacket from Miller's Outpost. I lost that shit the next day during gymnastics lessons at SCATS. Yes, I lost the jacket in a place called SCATS. Symbolism.
My mom pretty much worked until her hand bones cracked into a million pieces just so she could buy us presents at Christmas times, so I really hope my lost acid wash jean jacket somehow ends up on Katie's doorstep. Then I hope Harvey takes that jacket and shoves it in Katie's mouth! And once he does that, Harvey should take Katie to the plastic surgeon's office. I'm pretty sure that during her last boob job, the plastic surgeon put the silicone bag in the wrong tit. He put it in the tit on her neck instead of the tit on her chest.