Taylor Lautner

Isn't that how most twink porn fanfictions start....

Two members of the Exes of Taylor Swift Club left a pre-Oscar party in Brentwood last night and I'm sure they were just going somewhere quiet to spill the tea about Taylor Swift into each other's ears. Taylor Lautner, who's looking buffer than Madonna's clit, showed up to the party by himself and afterward, his friend Patrick Schwarzenegger jumped into his Fisker and the two drove off. I am really disappointed in myself for not typing "Fister" instead of "Fisker." My talent at making typos has failed me.

And to answer the question in your head, I think they flip flop.

Here's a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson's pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner's ass cheeks (I'm guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It's finally over! (Well, it's over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It'll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog's Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he's already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own "Yup, I Like Dick!" cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son's plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they're not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they're just like "eh" in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could've inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever... At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado's favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it's not working on her. Nor will it ever.

No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.

This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million

Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.

Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.

If you took Taylor Lautner out of Hollywood, you'd take away 90% of the gay blind items. Taylor Lautner is destined to join Scientology, marry some girl from a show on The CW, exchange her human parts for robot parts, claim the girl baby she made with her ex-boyfriend as his own and name his new daughter Irus. But Taylor says this isn't going to happen. Even though Taylor has a forehead made for a butch top to watch HD porn on while he rides that peen cowboy-style, he says that he's not gay at all.

GQ Australia brought up Taylor's dinner date with openly gay director Gus Van Zant and writer Dustin Lance Black and asked him if they hit on him. Taylor responded with this:

"No, definitely not. I think they know I'm straight. But they're great guys. They're a lot of fun. It's not a coincidence that there was a writer, a director and an actor at dinner."

Oh yeah, GQ Australia. When two gay dudes take a straight (for pay) dude to dinner, they automatically try to footsie him in the crotch under the table. I know that when two straight dudes take me to dinner, by the time dessert rolls around they get me to eat a plate of coochies and cream. And then I'm turned! Before you know it, I'm feasting on poon pavlova and diving face first into pussies jubilee. After I air kiss the straights at the exit door, I turn back into a gay. Yup, I drink the cooze-aid every time I have dinner with two straight dudes.

As for Taylor saying he's straight, this GIF starring one of his relatives pretty much sums up my response:

via Examiner

Taylor Lautner emotes only one emotion some hos describe as ".........." when he's acting in front of a camera, but the wires in that robot chicken hawk's control panel were sparking something extra during his appearance on Spain's El Hormiguero show yesterday, because he gave FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! HE GAVE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE!

Taylor took us from "Is it in yet?" to "Yip, it's in!" to "Errr! Poke more to the right!" to "Right there, right there, that's the tea!" to "YAAAAASSSSSSS!"

Taylor did it so good that he even exhaled an imaginary cloud of cigarette smoke afterward.

The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz's hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.

RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).

No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he's doing. Okay, I get it, but isn't this why movies have budgets?! Couldn't they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he's done with work he doesn't look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should've asked Ryan Gosling's dog George to be RPattz's hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Taylor Lautner's publicist is fucking done with him professionally and it isn't because of a gay scandal or anything like that. It's because Taylor's father is the second coming of Kit Culkin wrapped in White Oprah and incubated inside of an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Basically, Taylor's father is the stage dad from the ninth circle of Hell and his (ex)publicist isn't about to go to jail for double slapping a grown man's basement chin.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Robin Baum of Slate PR, who also represents Daniel Craig and Johnny Depp, erased Taylor's name from her BlackBerry after only working with him for three months. Taylor's manager has kept their lips shut over this mess, but sources say that Taylor's father Daniel is the problem.

Judging by that picture, Daddy Lautner looks like a for real twat wart who will huff at you when you take too long at the sundae bar at Sizzler. But he should still learn from the Kit Culkins and Jaid Barrymores before him. Either Daddy Lautner's going to completely ruin his son's career. Or he's going to get dumped by his son and will have to pay his bills by selling stories to the tabloids for a four-figure check. Being a stage parent is not hard. Just let the professionals do the work and then steal a little money off the top each month. Seriously. But Taylor's publicist really should've seen this coming. Never trust a stage dad who looks like the pile of Chet from Weird Science.