Taylor Lautner

If you took Taylor Lautner out of Hollywood, you'd take away 90% of the gay blind items. Taylor Lautner is destined to join Scientology, marry some girl from a show on The CW, exchange her human parts for robot parts, claim the girl baby she made with her ex-boyfriend as his own and name his new daughter Irus. But Taylor says this isn't going to happen. Even though Taylor has a forehead made for a butch top to watch HD porn on while he rides that peen cowboy-style, he says that he's not gay at all.

GQ Australia brought up Taylor's dinner date with openly gay director Gus Van Zant and writer Dustin Lance Black and asked him if they hit on him. Taylor responded with this:

"No, definitely not. I think they know I'm straight. But they're great guys. They're a lot of fun. It's not a coincidence that there was a writer, a director and an actor at dinner."

Oh yeah, GQ Australia. When two gay dudes take a straight (for pay) dude to dinner, they automatically try to footsie him in the crotch under the table. I know that when two straight dudes take me to dinner, by the time dessert rolls around they get me to eat a plate of coochies and cream. And then I'm turned! Before you know it, I'm feasting on poon pavlova and diving face first into pussies jubilee. After I air kiss the straights at the exit door, I turn back into a gay. Yup, I drink the cooze-aid every time I have dinner with two straight dudes.

As for Taylor saying he's straight, this GIF starring one of his relatives pretty much sums up my response:

via Examiner

Taylor Lautner emotes only one emotion some hos describe as ".........." when he's acting in front of a camera, but the wires in that robot chicken hawk's control panel were sparking something extra during his appearance on Spain's El Hormiguero show yesterday, because he gave FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! HE GAVE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE!

Taylor took us from "Is it in yet?" to "Yip, it's in!" to "Errr! Poke more to the right!" to "Right there, right there, that's the tea!" to "YAAAAASSSSSSS!"

Taylor did it so good that he even exhaled an imaginary cloud of cigarette smoke afterward.

The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz's hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.

RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).

No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he's doing. Okay, I get it, but isn't this why movies have budgets?! Couldn't they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he's done with work he doesn't look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should've asked Ryan Gosling's dog George to be RPattz's hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Taylor Lautner's publicist is fucking done with him professionally and it isn't because of a gay scandal or anything like that. It's because Taylor's father is the second coming of Kit Culkin wrapped in White Oprah and incubated inside of an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Basically, Taylor's father is the stage dad from the ninth circle of Hell and his (ex)publicist isn't about to go to jail for double slapping a grown man's basement chin.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Robin Baum of Slate PR, who also represents Daniel Craig and Johnny Depp, erased Taylor's name from her BlackBerry after only working with him for three months. Taylor's manager has kept their lips shut over this mess, but sources say that Taylor's father Daniel is the problem.

Judging by that picture, Daddy Lautner looks like a for real twat wart who will huff at you when you take too long at the sundae bar at Sizzler. But he should still learn from the Kit Culkins and Jaid Barrymores before him. Either Daddy Lautner's going to completely ruin his son's career. Or he's going to get dumped by his son and will have to pay his bills by selling stories to the tabloids for a four-figure check. Being a stage parent is not hard. Just let the professionals do the work and then steal a little money off the top each month. Seriously. But Taylor's publicist really should've seen this coming. Never trust a stage dad who looks like the pile of Chet from Weird Science.

Since Taylor Swift lives her life like she's a damn Strawberry Shortcake character, she went apple picking with Jakey Gyllenhaal on Saturday afternoon at a farm in Hopewell Junction, New York. And no, apple picking is not some kind of sex act involving eating several rolls of Saran Wrap and eating apple slices out of a....forget it. What I'm getting at is that they actually picked apples! I swear, skipping and giggling, these two.

A source tells UsWeekly that before their stroll through Park Slope on Sunday, Jakey and Taylor twirled through the Fishkill Farms. The source went on to say this mess, "They were walking through the trees, having fun together. They looked happy. Some of the customers tried to take a photo of them, but they were hiding from them in the trees. They drove through the orchard and bought the apples on the way out."

Hiding in the trees?! Fuck Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. They're more like the Fox and the Hound. The song about this shit is practically writing itself.... "The apple in the tree... Why couldn't you let it be? You picked at my heart.... You tore it apart. I thought you were my white knight, Jake and now I'm falling back into the field of heartache..."

And I bet for their next date they are going to go antiquing followed by a tea tasting under a weeping willow tree. Taylor's publicist (or whoever paired these two together), you crazy for this one!

Brent McMahon, the RV dealership owner who is responsible for filling Taylor Lautner's eye basin with tears of anxiety, wants to settle their dispute by taking off their shirts and breaking into a sweat until all of their muscles are sore. That really sounds like the beginning of a recurring wet dream that sends tingles down to Tommy Girl's Scientolohole.

Taylor sued Brent McMahon's RV company last week after they failed to deliver his customized $300,000 movie trailer on time. Brent's lawyer told the Associated Press that Taylor is willing to settle the case for $40,000, but he has another idea. 47-year-old Brent has challenged 18-year-old Taylor to a push-up contest. Whoever wins gets the $40,000. Brent says he will donate his winnings to charity.

If Taylor doesn't accept the offer Brent and his lawyers will fight the case with a mighty fist.

Taylor has teenage lungs and sleeps walks into his home gym to do sleep push-ups in the middle of the night, so my guess is that somebody (possibilities: Brent himself, Brent's Twihard wife, etc..) is just looking for an excuse to see Jacob Black's ripply nalgas move up and down live and in person! I see you. Brent needs to stop and get in line behind Tommy Girl.

Give Taylor Lautner a heaving bosom for him to lay his tortured head on (Tommy Girl just pushed his ass cheeks together and threw a Cami Secret over them), because he has suffered emotional distress over not receiving his custom made trailer on the date promised. Yes, so stop dedicating your tears to the trash cat of Coventry, and focus on Taylor's anguish instead!

TMZ reports that Taylor is suing McMahon's RV, because they lied to him when they said they would deliver a $300,000 trailer to him by June 21st. Taylor was going to use the trailer while shooting Abduction, but he was forced to sit in a regular trailer thanks to McMahon's. The lawsuit states that Taylor suffered "emotional distress" and "annoyance." Taylor is asking for an unspecified amount in damages for breach of contract.

Staple your tongue to your desk if you're thinking of throwing a "DRAMA QUEEN" at Taylor face. Taylor's emotional distress is a real thing. How is Taylor going to sneak in his tricks if there's no secret trap door in the closet of his trailer? How is Taylor going to make sure his abs are perfectly symmetrical without a magnifying three-way mirror in his trailer? See! Real issues! Today, we weep for Taylor.

Cut to Mischa Barton sitting on her trailer (aka a radio flyer wagon with a Go Girl and an empty Big Gulp cup in it) and saying, "Are you kidding me with this shit?"

Thousands of Twitwards of all ages are soothing their sore and raw vaginas with ice packs this morning, because they simultaneously lost their virginity at last night's Twilight: Eclipse premiere in Los Angeles. Pussies got the seizures like they were being zapped with a taser. I bet the ground outside of the Nokia Theater looks like it's covered in popped and melted chocolate covered cherries. Don't let a memaw near that place, because that is not real chocolate covered cherry goo.

Some Twitards even camped out for days just to get a tiny piece of RPattz and Taylor Lautner. And even though RPattz showed up dressed like a car valet at a Ron Burgundy-themed restaurant, bitches still blew the chocha crema all over the place. I mean, look at that Twihard in the picture above. Bitch just can't help but pretend to give head to an imaginary sparkle peen while in the presence of her wet dream co-star! Give all those bitches the Q-Tip. You can dip it in glitter first if that's how they want it.

Here's more pictures from last night's panty pudding explosion. In order: RPattz, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart (looking like she was on the wet end of a Tastykake Snowball bukkake), AnnaLynne McCord, Kellan Lutz, Dakota Fanning, Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed (in something she snatched from Johnny Weir's reject pile).

The world needs a Stretch Armstrong movie as much as it needs another Twitter update from Tila Tequila. So of course, Hollywood is going forward with a feature film of the life and times of Stretch Armstrong. And I'm sure Hollywood is also in the back of a strip club putting together a feature film version based on Tila Tequila's Twitter. Bobby Trendy, call your agent!

Coming Soon reports that last night Universal Pictures announced that almost legal (4 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes, 47 seconds) Taylor Lautner will stretch his limbs as the title character. Taylor's parts will spring towards your face, because the movie will be shot in 3D. It will hit theaters sometime in 2012.

This shit already sounds terrible, but it makes sense that they cast Taylor Lautner as Stretch Armstrong since Twitards have been stretching their peens and clits to him for the past year. They leak the same kind of goo too.

And I never had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid, most likely because my mother knew I would do inappropriate things with it on the playground and she didn't want me to get kicked out of another preschool.

(Image via Flickr and Wireimage)