Well Well Well
Blaming slavery and paying off a huge chuck of her debt to the IRS wasn't enough to keep Lauryn Hill out of the chokey and she will have to spend time behind a prison cell for not paying taxes on the $1.5 million she made from 2005 to 2007. On top of the three month prison sentence, a judge in Newark, New Jersey also sentenced Lauryn to three months of house arrest and 9 months of supervised release. Expect Lauryn Hill to start begging for coins on Kickstarter, because she also has to pay a $60,000 fine.
Last year, Lauryn pleaded guilty to not paying her taxes from 2005 to 2007 and yesterday was sentencing day. Lauryn reportedly signed a $1 million deal with Sony and took out a loan for $650,000 to pay all the taxes, penalties and interest she owes. AP says that days before her sentencing, Lauryn paid more than $900,000, but the U.S. Attorney's Office says that she still owes a lot of money for penalties and interest. Before Lauryn's sentence, she read (and sometimes rapped) a statement where she blamed slavery.
"I am a child of former slaves who had a system imposed on them. I had an economic system imposed on me. I sold 50 million units [and] now I'm up here paying a tax debt. If that's not likened to slavery, I don't know what is."
And Lauryn went on to talk about what happened to her after she left the music industry...
"There were veiled threats, there was blacklisting. I was told, 'That's how it goes, it comes with the territory.' I came to be perceived as a cash cow and not a person. When people capitalize on a persona, they forget there is a person in there."
The judge wasn't moved and he told Lauryn to turn herself in by July 8th.
So either one of two things is going to happen by July 8th. Lauryn Hill will check herself into federal prison and she'll meet her cell mate who is hopefully a serious brown aficionado and will tame her wild eyebrow situation with tweezers (or if they can't have tweezers, wooden chopsticks). Or Lauryn Hill will escape to Canada and join the anti-Star Whackers league with Randy Quaid.
Seen above making a subtle "Why am I posing in a sexy photo shoot with this bitch? Why do I keep taking this bitch back? Why me?" face, Shawn Holley took Lindsay Lohan back as a client yesterday after the freckled tornado begged her to. LiLo is now enemy #1 of The Little People Legal League, because she apparently told Lawyer Man Willow to get out of her life and go back to the forest from which he came from. LiLo fired Mark Heller and got Shawn Holley to take her back.
Radar says after LiLo quit rehab after being there for 2 minutes, prosecutors were planning to ask for an arrest warrant if she didn't check back in before midnight. LiLo went on the run and I figured she was just headed to Mexico to live out her destiny by becoming the day-shift mistress to a drug lord. But no, LiLo spent her day calling Shawn Holley to beg her old lawyer to take her back. Shawn Holley took LiLo back and immediately started negotiating with prosecutors. TMZ says that it was Mark Heller's idea for LiLo to go to Morningside Recovery and she didn't want to do it. When LiLo heard that Morningside Recovery didn't have a license to treat, she refused to stay there.
At the last minute, Shawn Holley got the prosecutors to let LiLo check into the Betty Ford Center instead. LiLo checked in right before midnight and the prosecutors dropped their plans to ask for an arrest warrant. LiLo has been in Betty Ford before, but she left after she got drunk and got into a fight with a staff member who later sued her ass. And now she's back!
The judge still has to sign off on Betty Ford, but since he'd sign off on LiLo rehabbing in a bar, I'm sure he'll sign off on Betty Ford. So....let's recap this entire mess:
LiLo was supposed to check into the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she checks into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach instead..... and nothing happens to her ass.
LiLo was supposed to be in rehab yesterday, she bails on that bitch.... and nothing happens to her ass.
LiLo begs Shawn Holley to be her lawyer again in exchange for at least 3 mentions in TMZ daily and a year supply of blowjobs for Shawn's entire family..... and Shawn takes her back.
LiLo beat a bitch's ass ain Betty Ford.... and Betty Ford takes her back.
We already know that LiLo is a demon wrapped in pork leather, but when are we going to find out that she has the power to wish her enemies into Hell (aka White Oprah's bedroom) when they don't do what she wants, because it's obvious that everyone is scared of her ass.
(Pic via THR)
The prosecutors in Santa Monica and L.A. both agreed to let Lindsay Lohan serve her 90-day sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons and on Tuesday night she was putting together 270 looks for rehab (because life's most important catwalk is the hallway in rehab that leads from your room to your therapist's office, obviously). But because Lindsay Lohan has to be a rusty nail shoved into everyone's urethra at all times, she changed rehab places at the last minute. TMZ reported yesterday that Seafield wouldn't let LiLo smoke, so she was thinking about going to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA, because they allow cigs. And that's exactly what she did.
Even though the prosecutors never approved Morningside Recovery, she went anyway. LiLo missed her first flight from NYC to L.A., so she got one of her friends (read: one of her sugar daddies) to lend her their private jets. LiLo checked into Morningside this morning and her Chaka from Land of the Lost-looking ass lawyer Mark Heller was in front of a judge today to get the place approved.
Mark Heller continued to be the gift that keeps on farting by using priceless lines like, "She is ensconced in the bosom of that facility right now." While he was doing that, the prosecutors told the judge that they first heard about LiLo going to Morningside from the media and Mark Heller never called to tell them about it. Morningside was never on the approval list and the prosecutors have problems with the place. The judge could've thrown LiLo in jail for violating the agreement, but doing that would've went against the first rule of the California Justice System (never punish Lindsay Lohan), so he's letting her stay at Morningside until the prosecutors investigate the place. The prosecutors have until next Friday to determine if they're okay with LiLo serving her sentence at Morningside or not.
TMZ helped prosecutors with their investigation by finding out that Morningside is basically a sober hotel. Morningside's license to treat was revoked, because they were "careless" with giving out prescriptions for drugs. Morningside can't give treatment right now and the only thing they can do is provide a "sober living environment."
Like any of that shit really matters. Next Friday, Mark Heller will skip into court on his tiny feet and tell the judge that Lindsay Lohan checked out of Morningside and checked into the Chateau Marmont instead. Yes, the Chateau Marmont is the opposite of a rehab facility and they probably have an in-house coke dealer, but the sheets at Morningside were so itchy and were scratching LiLo's skin. And the dumb bitch staffers at Morningside wouldn't let LiLo drink a bottle of vodka with dinner. MONSTERS! The judge will shake his head and tell Mark Heller that the court will send an 8-ball and a case of vodka to LiLo's room as a thank you for being so accommodating throughout all this. It's the least they can do! That's totally what's going to happen.
During her first interview since she got put into handcuffs for giving the sweet nectar a bad name by being a boozed up, belligerent wreck, Reese Witherspoon told George Stethoscopealis on Good Morning America that she is sorry for being a bitch to a cop and she was so damn drunk that all kinds of words flew out of her pie hole.
George spoke for all of America when he told Reese that the things about her in the police report didn't sound like the Reese Witherspoon all of us know. Well, I pretty much only know Reese from the characters she's played in movies and what she told the cop is exactly what some of her characters (see: Tracy Flick and Vanessa Lutz aka the only characters of hers that matters) would say to a cop, so shut up and speak for yourself, George.
Anyway, Reese must've spent all of her Wednesday night memorizing and rehearsing this apology speech with her team of publicists, because it was the best interview she could've given and she acted her ass off. Reese said that her and her husband Jim Toth had too many glasses of wine while out to dinner in Atlanta and made the mistake of turning their Ford Focus into a death machine on wheels by driving drunk. Reese said that they both know better and they should've never done that and they'll never do it again. George then brought up the spoiled stream of entitled shit that came out of Reese's drunk mouth (example: "Do you know my name?" and "You're about to be on national news!") and she explained it like this:
"I saw [the cop] arresting my husband and I literally panicked. I told him I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things."
Reese then mouth farted out this line that I'm sure at least four screenwriters wrote for her: "I played a lawyer in a movie so many times I think I am a lawyer. . .And clearly I'm not a lawyer because I got arrested."
And then Reese's entire damage control team ran in front of the cameras and took their bows as Jim Toth threw roses at their feet.
Reese should always be drunk, because telling a cop that she's pregnant while being drunk off her ass is the funniest thing she's ever done. I'm surprised she didn't pull an old timey stunt by fake fainting. And if Reese really wanted to tell the cop some crazy shit, she should've told him that she's an Oscar winner and is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood.
via Gossip Cop
Concrete Loop posted this video of Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West in Paris yesterday morning and they think that it's extremely ungentlemanly-like for him to not help her knocked up fame whore ass out of the car and then stand in front of the door and wait for her to open it. Um, are they forgetting that this is Kanye? I'm surprised he didn't make Kim pull her pregnant Gossamer-looking ass out of that car, run to his side and open up his door. I'm also surprised he didn't make Kim rip her red dress off and lay it on the ground for him to walk on so he won't dirty the bottoms of his precious shoes. So this is Kanye being extra, extra polite.
But really, if Jay-Z was in that car with Kanye, Kanye would've ripped that door open and carried his true love to that store and opened up the door with his mouth. And he would've serenaded Jay-Z the entire time. This is what Kim gets for not being Jay-Z.
And to answer your question, yes, I asked myself "What has become of me?" as I analyzed the door-opening manners of two fame sluts.
Taylor Swift's former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana's in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he's bumping nipples with one of them.
The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?
I say that it's not Kimbo and it's not Ruby and it's not Penny Lancaster. I say that it's the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!
My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo's chin. Harry is gazing away, because he's so wrapped in a walking dream where he's sucking on Rod's juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn't mean that in more ways than one.
Jennifer Aniston taped an episode of Ellen yesterday (that shit airs today) and right after she farted on the fake rumor that a Friends reunion is happening next year, Ellen showed a clip of what happened when Jennifer Aniston tried to scare a ho. Jennifer Aniston is as good at scaring hos as she is at playing anybody but herself in movies. Ellen asked Aniston if she ever scares her piece Justin Theroux and she said that he's the one who scares her ass. Justin is always hiding behind drapes and jumping out at her.
"He calls it trickery. But he's constantly hiding behind drapes. And I'm constantly scared. It's like, it doesn't get old on me."
Oh, that Aniston births out a million laughs a second. Justin Theroux isn't hiding behind the drapes, because he wants to scare her. Justin Theroux is hiding behind the drapes, because he's the scared one. You too would be hiding behind whatever you could if before she left the house, your girlfriend chained you to something heavy and put her most trustworthy Cabbage Patch Police Kids in front of you so you won't try anything funny. (Officer Cutey McPatches sees EVERYTHING.)
Justin isn't jumping out at Aniston, because he's trying to spook her ass. He's jumping out, because he hears the foot steps of another human and thinks that help has finally arrived to rescue him! Then when he finds out it's just Aniston, he sighs and goes back to his place behind the drapes to drink his Smart Water and cuddle with the blanket she made for him using her dog's shed fur.
Here's Aniston talking about Justin's "trickery" on Ellen.
While reading Robert Downey Jr.'s interview with GQ, I learned that he made $50 million for The Avengers, always carries around a vial of antiparasitics (for when he's about to eat sushi or breathe in the same air as a Kardashian), has four alpacas and thinks he's one of the best actors around who will have his hands around Oscar's tiny ass cheeks one day.
I guess RDJ once said that he thinks he's always the most talented ho on the set, so GQ asked him if he really thinks that. RDJ said he did, but he also said that Hollywood is full of crap actors who have the emotional range of a dried up nipple pimple, so that's not saying much.
GQ: But I still believe that you think you're almost always the most talented person there.
RDJ: Yeah, but you know what? I'm afraid that's just a tape that's running in my head, and I'm really happy that it's there, but it doesn't make it real.
GQ: And so if you stop that tape running for a second, how talented are you?
RDJ: I'm probably one of the best.
GQ: That was you speaking, and not the tape?
RDJ: Yeah. But it's not that big a deal. It's not like this is the greatest swath or generation of actors that has ever come down the pike.
GQ: What are you bad at as an actor?
RDJ: Tons. Everything I avoid. I don't like opening doors and looking surprised. I can do all that emo stuff, but I'm so over everyone who has to have a meltdown— everybody is emotional all the time. In movies people seem to be more emotional than they would ever be if that situation was actually happening to them.
RDJ was nominated for Chaplin and he lost, which he says made him frown for a second. When he was nominated again for Tropic Thunder, he knew he was going to lose, because he was up against Heath Ledger. RDJ says he doesn't mind going to the Oscars and watching other hos win, because he knows it'll be his turn one day.
GQ: How much would you like to win an Oscar?
RDJ: I couldn't care less.
RDJ: Well, I know it's going to happen.
GQ: Is that the persona or the person speaking?
RDJ: That's just a fact.
GQ: You're certain?
RDJ: I, personally, would be shocked if we went to the end of the tape now and I didn't have at least one.
RDJ: Because it just doesn't make sense. That's why I don't mind showing up and watching everybody else get them.
GQ: Why doesn't it make sense?
RDJ: Because I'm young enough, and I'm running down being occupied with these kind of genre movies, close enough. Even the next thing we're doing with the missus, I'm so confident about it. It's the best script the studio has; it's the best thing I've read in years. You know, honestly, my real answer to that is: I don't care. I used to think I cared, and I couldn't care less. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't get a little choked up, but it is amazing to see how people are literally hyperventilating when they get up there, because they have such an attachment to this outcome. I mean, it's not like we're at the fucking Olympics or something. Look, even if I don't get one directly, eventually they're just going to have to give me one when I get old. So no matter how you slice it, I'm getting one.
"People are literally hyperventilating when they get up there..." RDJ, I see you throwing a little shade at GOOPY Paltrow for nearly hyperventilating out of her pink princess dress when she was an Oscar for being a pretty bland girl with famous parents. RDJ isn't telling any lies, though. He will win an Oscar one day and if he doesn't, somebody will win one for playing Robert Downey Jr. in The Robert Downey Jr. Story and I'm sure they'll hyperventilate out of their panties when they win.
Don't mess with The Camel or he'll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called "Open Letter" where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the "Bob Dylan of rap" and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it's because Jay-Z's ego just got 500 tons bigger.
Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In "Open Letter," Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.
I done turned Havana to Atlanta
Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y'all, I don't agree with y'all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime
I'm in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it's from China, the very mic that I'm using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You're an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today
Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.
Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would've brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin' dweeb
I still own the building, I'm still keeping my seat
Y'all buy that bullshit, you'd better keep your receipt
And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama's response to the Cuba shit:
Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don't need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach
So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah... We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z's other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!
And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she's doing Seth MacFarlane.
Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane's crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says "oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight" and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It's the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!
Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you're getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you're probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that's the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can.....you know what I'm going to type.
Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could've been a business thing, but her "yes, I'm hitting it and I'm not proud of it" face says everything.