Well Well Well

On Friday, I posted a blind item from CDAN about how an A-list movie actress has always wanted to dip into the poon and finally got her chance when she met a special lady friend on the set of her new movie. And here's, Julia Roberts and her August: Osage County co-star Julianne Nicholson holding hands while walking to a restaurant in Venice, CA last week. Yes, Julia and Julianne are also eating with Ewan McGregor and Dermot Mulroney (aka their beards), but we all know that when two grown women who don't share the same blood are walking hand-in-hand in the middle of a parking lot, it obviously means that they're scissoring until their pubes burn off. LEZ-BEE-AAAAANS!

And they're both wearing leather boots. And they're both wearing jeans. And they're both wearing messenger bags. And all those three things put together* obviously means that they're shopping for power tools together at Home Depot on Sundays.

* Those three things put together don't mean that

When pictures came out of Gavin Rossdale gently touching the nanny's upper ass area during a hike, some thought that he was pulling a stage 1 Jude Law and were waiting to see the New York Post headline "NO DOUBT It's Over!" I see everything through melodramatic OMGSCANDAL eyes, and even to me the pictures looked innocent. Gavin's just guiding her ass (literally) up the hill while she's holding his kid. It's not like he's giving her the shocker. But even if he was giving her the shocker, it wouldn't be a big deal. The shocker is a known hiking technique. At least that's what I tell all my hiking partners....who are male....sort of hot....have big fingers...and not one of my relatives. Besides, like Gavin has room for another side piece in his side piece harem.

A source tells Radar that Gwen Stefani and Gavin both had laughs about the rumors that he's wet humping the nanny, because she's his sister Soraya and he's not dipping into some incest shit. The source said this:

"All the speculation is hilarious. And couldn't be further from the truth. Gavin and Gwen are happier and more in love than ever and their marriage is absolutely rock solid. They truly have one of the happiest marriages in showbiz, or outside of showbiz for that matter!"

See, so Gavin wasn't touching his nanny/side piece's ass. He was touching his nanny/sister's ass. Don't you touch your sister's ass when you go hiking? You can stop furiously shaking your head yes, James Haven. I already knew your answer before I asked the question.

Here's Gavin, Gwen and their Pom Pom at their kid's school yesterday.

Regularly inhaling Charlie Sheen's coke and call girl snatch breath would make almost any kid run straight to Jesus and that's exactly what 19-year-old Angus T. Jones has done and then some. For the past ten seasons, Angus has played the half man in Two and a Half Men and it's made him the highest paid child actor in television. But every time Angus gets a $350,00 check from CBS, he happily cashes in it and then washes his hands in holy water, because that money is dark-sided and has the blood of Satan all over it.

Back in October, Angus shot some kind of testimonial for the Forerunner Christian Church and at the 7:30 mark he tells Christians not to watch the television show that made him a child millionaire. I don't watch Two a Half Men, because it's a total shit show. But Angus thinks you shouldn't watch his show, because it's filled with filth and is probably on Lucifer's Tivo To Do List. Dumbass didn't bite the hand that feeds. He gnawed that shit off by saying this:

"Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."

Angus then goes on to say that he doesn't want to be helping the enemy and that he can't be a God-fearing person when he's on a show like that and (insert more Christian stuff here). Angus also recently said that he's signed on for another year and that God wants him there for a reason.

That video is like his audition tape for The Trinity Network's Two and a Half Christians starring Kirk Cameron and Stephen Baldwin.

So basically, Angus is saying he's an undercover agent for God? He's learning about the enemy by working for the enemy? Angus' handler God is totally not going to like that he blew his cover.

And I should've done some research before watching this video, because now I'm afraid of the effects it will have on my brain.

via The Hollywood Reporter

While shooting up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5 back in September, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan bonded the way all drunk messes bond while taking turns snorting a bump out of a call girl's b-hole. TMZ says that between filming, LiLo and Charlie hung out and she told him all of her problems including her problems with the IRS. LiLo owes the IRS almost $234k for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010. Since Charlie always has his Captain Save-A-Crack-Ho hat on, he offered to pay off LiLo's tax debt, but she refused. Future civilizations will refer to "LiLo turning down money" as the final sign of the Rapture.

You'd think that the dented metal memory cabinet in Charlie Sheen's head is filled with nothing but crack smoke, but apparently it isn't. Charlie remembered LiLo's problems with the IRS and last week he sent her business manager a charitable gift in the form of a $100,000 check. This time LiLo accepted his gift and used it to pay almost half of her IRS bill. Some source says that Charlie did it out of the goodness of his crack damaged heart and wants nothing in return. Uh huh.

TMZ also says that LiLo is going to make $2 million this year and who knows if any of that money went to the IRS. But why should LiLo send her money to the IRS when she can send Charlie's instead?   Obviously, Charlie didn't give LiLo that money for free and now every time he comes calling, she's gotta slurp on his perma-soft coke peen and slurping on his perma-soft coke peen is probably as boring as deep throating an overcooked fettuccine noodle. But she's done a lot worse for $100,000 (see: I Know Who Killed Me) and she can write off all the mind numbing substances she has to snort to get through an intimate moment with Charlie.

And here I go again writing "And Here We Go Again" for a headline, because it feels like we're always going again with this bitch.

The Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is supposed to hit the darling of the California justice system, Lindsay Lohan, with a criminal charge of telling lies to the police, because she denied driving the Porsche that butt fucked an 18-wheeler hard on PCH. LiLo told police she was only a passenger, but a bunch of witnesses say she was the one behind the wheel. Charges will be filed any second now and as soon as they are, TMZ says that her probation will be yanked away and she could be escorted to the nearest jail cell.

Judge Stephanie, who put LiLo on probation in the stolen necklace case, won't be involved in this next messy chapter and the probation case has been handed to a new judge. Judge Jane Godfrey is expected to revoke LiLo's probation and everybody including LiLo's dumb ass will be dragged back into court for another hearing.

Lying to the cops while you're on probation is a dumb bitch movie, but Lindsay Lohan has perfected and trademarked the art of the dumb bitch move. We shouldn't be surprised, and once again the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is wasting everyone's time. Nothing's going to happen to LiLo and in fact, she's going to sue them for robbing thousands of dollars of coke from her nose. Because as soon as they charge her with criminal lie-telling, she's going to laugh so hard that all the coke she snorted up that morning is going to blow out of her nostrils and mouth. The Judge will sentence everyone in the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office to jail and force them to replace LiLo's lost coke. And that's how this is going to end.

LiLo: 2 new 8-balls
The CA Justice System: ZERO!

Sheldon Stephens, the wannabe model and alleged con artist who tried to permanently mute Elmo's voice, wants to give back the $125,000 he was paid to say he was lying about bumping bare nipples with Kevin Clash when he was only 16. Just a few days after TMZ broke the story that Sheldon accused Kevin of illegally sexing him, he played the J/K! card and took it all back. But now Sheldon wants to take back the J/K! card he played.

A source (aka Sheldon himself) tells TMZ that he is looking for a new lawyer to help him undo the agreement he made with Kevin Clash. Sheldon claims that during the settlement negotiations, Big Bird and Count Von Count held a shank to his face and threatened to cut him up if he didn't sign that shit. Sheldon says that he was pressured into making a deal with Kevin. Elmo passed Sheldon a cashiers check for $125,000 right after he agreed to this:

"Stephens agrees that immediately upon execution of this Agreement, his counsel, Andreozzi & Associates, P.C., shall release the [following] statement ... 'He [Stephens] wants it to be known that his sexual relationship with Mr. Clash was an adult consensual relationship.'"

Sheldon's law firm dumped him right after a deal with Kevin was made.

Sheldon, who is 23 now, is willing to give back the money to wipe away the title "MUPPET-HATING LIE-TELLER" from his resume. Sheldon wants the world to know that he was telling the truth the first time and he was only 16 when he got tickled by Elmo.

I don't know what to believe. Sheldon could be a gold digging grifter who is trying to shake more cash out of Elmo, or he could be telling the truth, or both! I have a feeling this is going to get messier, so we should all brace ourselves for all the details about Elmo's sex life that will leak, like whether he's a top or a bottom. (SPOILER ALERT: Elmo's a sloppy, bossy bottom. I learned that fact when I made the mistake of opening up Grindr while taking a walk near Sesame Street.)

Four years ago, Kristi Horn told InTouch Weekly that human turd Michael Lohan raw dog dicked a baby into her and on tonight's episode of The Trish Goddard Show, her 17-year-old daughter Ashley Kaufmann learns the awful truth. She's half Lohan. I don't know what's worse: the fact that another poor child has to write Michael Lohan's name down next to "father" on government forms or the fact that Maury Povich wasn't the one who gave the tragic news. If Maury doesn't tell you that you ARE the father, are you really the father? Some shit to ponder.

TMZ posted the moment where Ashley finds out that her biological father is a piece of trash who looks like a shit log coming out of a turtle's ass. Right after the news is announced, Kristi Horn does what she did ten seconds after she let Michael Lohan do her bareback style: she weeped! Michael tries to give Ashley a fake hug, which makes her scream "NO! NO! NO!" before giving in.

Ashley is Michael's fifth kid and he's got a sixth one on the way.

Poor girl. She isn't going to get one cent from Michael Lohan and her mother just had to tell the world that she's a Lohan.

I think I'd rather have permanent hemorrhoids than have Michael Lohan as a father, because at least hemorrhoids won't call you up in the middle of the night and beg you for rent money.

The world was in danger of never hearing Elmo's high-pitched laugh again (which really wasn't a bad thing) when his puppeteer Kevin Clash was accused of pulling a Rob Lowe by getting it on with a 16-year-old boy eight years ago. Right before Sesame Street was about to make its debut on the National Sex Offender Registry, Kevin's accuser took it all back and said that he was legal when he humped on Elmo's voice. That was that until The Smoking Gun named names and showed faces.

TSG says that the dude who tried to smear Elmo's good name is 24-year-old wannabe model/actor type Sheldon Stephens of Pennsylvania. The holidays at the Stephens house is going to be real fun this year, because one of Sheldon's family members gave his ass up to TSG. The family member said that they don't know how Sheldon met Kevin, but he lived in NYC for a little bit and has always attracted "high-powered men." High-powered men?! Bitch, Kevin Clash is the voice of Elmo and he might have the power to tell you that today's episode is brought to you by the letter A, but that's about it. Bitch is acting like Sheldon got it on with the Director of the CIA or something.

Yesterday, TMZ hinted that Kevin's lawyer and Sheldon's lawyer spent the afternoon in settlement negotiations and that a stack of hush money was on the table, but TSG doesn't think this happened. Sheldon's law firm dumped him early yesterday and issued a statement saying that they don't represent him anymore.

Sheldon also has a short history of trying to grift a bitch. Since 2009, Sheldon has been arrested for trying to pass a bad check, reckless driving and robbing a music manager at knifepoint. Music manager Darian Pollard accused Sheldon of snatching a $250,000 diamond necklace from him. Sheldon faced two felony charges for that act of thievery, but the charges were never filed. When TSG asked Darian Pollard about it, he said it was all just a misunderstanding.

We probably won't ever know what really went down between Sheldon and Elmo's vocal cords, but we do know that his ass still got paid. TMZ probably paid Sheldon for his story and Kevin Clash might've paid him to go away. Now that Sheldon has a little money in his wallet, he should use some to buy a lifetime supply of NADS, because flashing pit stubble in your modeling pic is not a good look. Sheldon should also use some of that money to pay a tattoo artist to tattoo four stool legs under his right nipple. Because right now it looks like she's shitting out his nipple.

The 23-year-old dude who said that he had illegal sex with Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, when he was only 16 has taken everything back and is like, "Just kidding!" Just a day after TMZ said that Kevin Clash temporarily moved out of Sesame Street and is taking a leave of absence to deal with this foolery, the accuser's lawyer issued a statement to The Los Angeles Times and wants everybody to wipe away the images of Elmo laughing something extra while getting tickled by underaged boys.

“He wants it to be known that his sexual relationship with Mr. Clash was an adult consensual relationship. He will have no further comment on the matter.”

Kevin said from the beginning that he wet humped on his accuser, but his accuser was legal at the time and it was completely consensual. Kevin released his own statement and said that he's glad it's all over. No word on when he will get to stick his hand up Elmo again.

Before you start thinking that the accuser got a little visit from the Sesame Street Mafia (Snuffleupagus, Count Von Count, Rosita and Telly Monster), TMZ is hearing that he might've been paid off. TMZ's sources (aka those Elmo-hating hillbilly Muppets at Fraggle Rock) say that the accuser's lawyer and Kevin's lawyer met today to talk about money. Apparently, Kevin Clash put a 6-figure settlement on the table.

Isn't it funny how you magically get your memory back after sniffing a bunch of cash stuffed into a Big Bird suitcase? The scent of cash really is truth perfume (or lie perfume, depending on the situation). And I bet Oscar the Grouch is happy. Elmo's gay sex scandal has taken the attention away from the dick hole he's got in the back of his trash can. Yeah, so that's why Big Bird is always standing behind Oscar's trash can.

Anybody who was born after 1994 is probably like, "Who's Janeane Garofalo?" and that's the same question her husband of 20 years asked recently. We all have a secret husband we forgot we were married to and Janeane Garofalo found out about hers last week. During a reunion for "The Ben Stiller Show" at The New York Comedy Festival on Saturday, Janeane told the audience that she was married to one of the show's writers for 20 years and didn't know it.

“Rob and I got married, for real, which we had to have a notary dissolve not 30 minutes before we got here tonight. We were married for 20 years until this evening. We got married drunk in Vegas . . . We dated for a year, and we got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab. [We thought] you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew? We were married, and apparently now that [Rob] is getting married for real, his lawyer dug up something.”

After they accidentally got married and broke up, Rob went on to produce The Big Bang Theory, so you know what that means? GET THAT MONEY, JANEANE!

But seriously, we now know the secret to a long-lasting, successful marriage. Get married, move into separate houses in separate cities, live separate lives, never see each other, fuck other people, forget each other's faces, forget each other's names and after 20 years of doing that you can finally say that you've had a fulfilling marriage. That's how you do it. Janeane broke the code!

via Page Six