Well Well Well

Patrick Bateman's bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan's driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn't show up to work. Hollywood's forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn't punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don't believe it! Next, you're going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders' dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart's lips aren't one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!

The last time Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to a job, she blamed it on "walking pneumonia." I wonder what she'll blame it on this time? I'm going to put half of my chips on "Ah I had 24-hour cancer!" and the other half of my chips on "Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!" (aka took too much Special K)

I didn't know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it's just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should've just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should've made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan's signature slur down. The hobo would've done a better job and the sound guys wouldn't have to worry about their watches getting stolen.

Here's the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.

This is totally not what it looks like. I know it looks like Demi Moore has found the trap door at the bottom of a barrel by trolling back alleys, looking for Sharpie dealers to sell her a quick sniff. (If whippits are the cocaine of inhalers, then Sharpies are the crack of inhalers.) That's not what is going on here. Demi is simply visiting with her career. No, Demi went to the GEMS Girls Like Us Benefit Gala in NYC last night and she wasn't in the mood to pop a fake smile on the red carpet, so she used the side door. Before she went in, Demi had to close her eyes and take a moment, because smelling all that trash reminded her of all the times she'd sniff Ashton Kutcher's rancid dick bush while giving him a beej. Oh, the beautiful memories.

This week's cover of People Magazine is supposed to make you feel sorry for Demi, because apparently she's all sad in the heart from watching Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis suck on each other's tongues in public. But Demi doesn't look miserable at all. Bitch is looking good and hanging out near the dumpsters with Mr. Miyagi (I'm half Japanese, so only half of me is racist for typing that). Ashton can slather that on Mila's crotch and eat it. Yes, it's true that halfway during the event, Demi spotted a tampon vending machine in the ladies bathroom and grabbed onto it while screaming, "ASHTON, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY?!!!", but she got over it as soon as her publicist gave her a Sharpie to sniff.

UPDATE: The audio has been yanked down, so click here to listen to some wonderful family bonding.

"Dad, Mom's On Cocaine" really should be the title for Lindsay Lohan's Mommie Dearest-like tell-all. That's a GOOD title.

Because Michael Lohan is a loving and caring father who always wants the best for his daughter, he pressed the record button when Lindsay Lohan called his charbroiled turtle-looking ass last night to cry about how she was being kidnapped by her mom and the limo driver. Michael Lohan sold the tape to TMZ, because again, he's a loving and caring father, and because mesh shirts don't grow on trees.

As most of us know, Michael Lohan called the cops last night after the twin terrors of Long Island, LiLo and White Oprah, got into it. The story goes that after partying until 4am in Manhattan, LiLo wanted the limo to take her back to her hotel in the city, but White Oprah wanted the car to take her back to Long Island. Why the driver didn't take LiLo to her hotel first and then take White Oprah home is beyond me. These are the Lohans I'm talking about, they want to make shit as extra dramatic as possible.

Sometime during the ride, the two messes started fighting about the $40,000 LiLo gave White Oprah to save her house from foreclosure. White Oprah didn't want to give it back and that's when LiLo called Michael Lohan. The tape is a mess. It's dysfunction's official soundtrack. At one point, LiLo tells Michael that White Oprah is on coke and keeps scratching her neck.

You know, Lindsay Lohan is the loser here and she should be ashamed of herself. That entitled piece of buzz-killing trash. Poor White Oprah. White Oprah probably just had the night of her life! There she was, popping her 50-year-old pussy with a bunch of 20-somethings at the club. White Oprah was thinking to herself, "Mama's still got it!" while doing it Gangnam Style on top of a table. Then she gazed into the crowd and caught a hot dude making eye contact with the plastic baggie of coke hanging out of her coochie. White Oprah winked at him and they both made their way to the bathroom where they did lines off of the toilet seat before she barfed in his mouth a little bit while they made out. They tried to exchange numbers, but White Oprah forgot what numbers were, so they just had to keep that beautiful moment in their hearts and remember it forever.

So White Oprah was high on coke and LIVING LIFE and that whiny Lindsay Lohan had to ruin it all by asking for her money back. What a bitch. White Oprah has totally sucked more dicks than Lindsay Lohan has, so she should get some respect!

And my favorite part of the tape is when Michael Lohan's threatening to call the Feds (eye roll) on the driver and the driver's like, "What's up? How you doing?" I love that driver.

Yes, it's true (no, it's not) that Taylor Swift pasted a picture of her head and Conor Kennedy's head over JFK and Jackie Kennedy in their wedding picture and she keeps that picture next to her princess canopy bed, but don't let that fool you. Taylor Swift is a Kennedy-stalking tramp ass slut who has a serious case of the delusions, because she obviously thinks she's Marilyn Monroe. Trick is trying to fuck all the Kennedys. If you came out of a Kennedy's poon, Taylor wants you in her poon.

A source tells Radar that on the outside it looks like Taylor's only got pink hearts in her eyes for Conor Kennedy, but the truth is she's seriously Kennedy-ized and will get on any member of the family. The source says that at a Kennedy family party recently, Taylor showed up with Conor Kennedy, but she secretly slipped away from him to make mouth love with 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver. Conor doesn't know about it, but some of the Kennedys do and they're not happy. And when a Kennedy isn't happy with you, you in danger, girl. But Taylor is too dumb and squinty in the eyes to see that. The source said this:

"Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day, she was all over Conor, so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights! Taylor and Patrick weren't kissing out in the open, but she wasn't being as subtle as she thought she was. They [the family] think she's a hanger-on and find her obsession with the Kennedy cousins disconcerting Taylor lost the respect of everyone in the family. They despise her and don't want her anywhere near Conor or Patrick."

Taylor's rep denies all of this.

This is seriously the Nick Jr. version of that Bobby, John and Marilyn mess.

Taylor wants to become a Kennedy so bad that if Ethel Kennedy winked at her for some reason, Taylor would sit on her face in a minute. So if Ethel Kennedy doesn't want a mouthful of Taylor's crab apple, she better keep her eyes down at all times. Hell, Taylor would even hump on THIS Kennedy. That's how hard up she is.

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You'd think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can't say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy's ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, "Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle." A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, "They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess' sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy's definitely a squirter.

Above is a still from On the Road of Kristen Stewart doing the "Who wants to lick these pits?" pose while going for a topless drive with Sam Riley and Garrett Hedlund. If you want to see the NSFW and de-RPattz'd version of this pic, click here. Maybe it's just the picture, but is KStew's left nipple throwing a side-eye? It looks like a bean rolling off of a plate. Even her nipple is telling her to kindly exit stage right.

So KStew talked to MTV News (via The New York Times of the UK) about working with On the Road's director Walter Salles, and if Walter has a wife, his wife now knows what he's really been doing when he tells her he's taking a long walk on Pacific View Trail. Because KStew said this about working with Walter:

"You can do no wrong with [director Walter Salles]. He puts so much inside of you. In the four-week rehearsal process, it was okay to ask any question, to bring up any story, to really over-analyze everything and intellectualize everything. Once we got on set, it was so about just breathing and letting it happen. He put so much trust in us, so it was like, 'Okay, so I have to take my clothes off?' It's so not a big [deal]."

Oh, I bet he put so much inside of you. But seriously, doesn't Kristen Stewart know that you only have to bone the director while he's casting the role you want. You don't need to do it after you've already gotten the role! I swear.

When Taylor Swift announced that Papa John's and Chegg were sponsoring a contest on Facebook for any school to win $10,000 for their music department and a performance from her, the fuckery makers at 4Chan and Reddit trolled her hard by voting for The Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Allston, Massachusetts. The Horace Mann School got thousands upon thousands of votes and it was looking like the kids were going to feel their ears tingle and sting as Taylor Swift yodeled out her signature Kennedy mating call in the lunch room. The headmaster of the school said at the time that his students love music and he hopes they win the contest. Well, guess what? They were disqualified!

Boston.com says that Taylor, Papa John's and Chegg all decided to take Horace Mann out of the running because of the way the school got their votes. But the Illuminati didn't send Taylor Swift a "welcome to the dark side" gift basket for making deaf children cry, because she donated $10,000 of her own money to The Horace Mann School. Cover Girl, American Greetings and the contest's two sponsors also donated $10,000 each, so the school is getting a total of $50,000. Each student will also get tickets to Taylor's show the next time she performs near their town.

The internet's trolling pays off again. Everybody wins. Taylor wins, because she looks like a damn saint. And the kids really win, because their school got $50,000, they don't have to sit through a Taylor Swift show in their cafeteria and they got tickets they can sell on Craigslist.

Brigitte Nielsen wrote in her memoirs last year that she hopped on Arnold Schwarzenegger's schnitzel a few times while shooting Red Sonja in 1984, but he kept his tramp lips shut about it until now. Arnold's got his own book coming out next week and since books don't just jump to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list by themselves, he's finally spilling it about the time he bumped bare pecs with Gitte.

According to Time, the former Governor of Mildred Baena's Chocha admits that while he was living with Maria Shriver,  he had a fuck party with Gitte. Arnold writes that getting with Gitte helped him realize that he wanted to marry Maria. Time put it like this:

Schwarzenegger and Nielsen co-starred in the 1985 film “Red Sonja.” Nielsen wrote in a memoir published last year that she and Schwarzenegger had an “outrageous affair” while making the movie and that she didn’t know until later that he was involved with Shriver.

Schwarzenegger writes that he knew the fling with Nielsen wouldn’t last and in fact it only made him realize that he wanted to marry Shriver.

Maria Shriver probably didn't even waste energy on rolling her eyes at this, because Arnold has dicked everything and anything. Arnold has the Flat Stanley of dicks. It's been everywhere. And Gitte should take it as a compliment that when Arnold was humping on her, he looked deep up into her flaring nostrils and only saw the image of him ruining Maria's life by marrying her. Bitch dodged a bullet, because if she married Arnold, it'd end with her rolling around in the grass of a Studio City park while drunk on Popov vodka (that's Russian for "given up on life"). Oh, wait...

And here's some pictures from a couple of weeks ago of Arnold hanging out with a hot friend while looking like a blind ostrich who's pumped up on the wrong kind of hormones.

Liv Tyler left the Arclight movie theater in L.A. last night with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch aka Sherlock from the BBC Sherlock aka the long-suffering rich bitch who regularly speaks out about the plight of the wealthy aka the star of Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch.

Liv Tyler was in Lord of the Rings and Benedict does the voice for Smaug the Dragon in The Hobbit, so if they are bumping nipples, this shit is like some bizarre Tolkien fanfic porn. They could be just friends, but if they aren't, I could see why Liv would want to wrap her legs around Benedict Cumsinbatches' neck.

To me, Benedict sort of looks like a komodo dragon who disguised itself as a prairie dog and acts like a prairie dog to trick real prairie dogs into trusting it. Benedict even does the same facial expression prairie dogs do when they sense that danger is coming. So when/if Benedict goes down on Liv and he lifts his head up to see if she's into it, he probably looks like an adorable prairie dog looking to see if the coast is clear. A prairie dog sticking its head out of a hole is my favorite thing to see at the zoo! And Liv gets to see that every time Benedict eats her out. I bet she even throws dead grasshoppers at him when he does a good job. Lucky bitch.

I'm not Jewish, but I think I'm going to join the Yom Kippur fast today, because my taste buds deserve the day off after all of my senses were affected while thinking about the kinds of fondue the Twihards made their in their chonies after reading this story at UsWeekly. How will I ever enjoy a meal at The Melting Pot every again?!

UsWeekly says that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are totally back together in every way including sharing bathroom counter space, which they hardly ever use since they never brush their teefs and wash their faces. Who knows if they're living together in the Los Feliz house RPattz put up for sale or the Malibu house KStew recently bought, but they're living together again somewhere. If you need to read this news directly from the unnamed source's unidentified mouth instead, here you go:

"They are living together and have reconciled."

There! Confirmed!

There's one pro and one con about this highly important CNN-worthy news. The pro is that RPattz can finally throw away the silicone mold of KStew's pit he had made. Now RPattz can wake up, stare into and make out with the real thing. For RPattz, the best part of waking up is pit stew in his cup. The con is that RPattz has put Bear Pattinson-Stewart in charge of giving KStew the "Smell Yo Cooch" test every night to make sure her box doesn't reek of movie director saliva. Poor Bear Pattinson-Stewart wishes his parents stayed split.

Here's KStew at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris today looking like a teenage hustler who uses his shirt as a pizza napkin and cum rag. KStew is in Paris to join the other miserable hungry-faced fashion people at the Balenciaga show tomorrow.