Well Well Well

In Chicago over the weekend, a tattoo artist got a face full of luscious gut fur when he inked the kiss of marriage death on Kelsey Grammer's body. The Chicago Sun-Times (via People) says that Kelsey and his child wife Kayte Walsh sashayed into a tattoo shop in Noble Square on Saturday night and he paid $60 to get her name tattooed in fancy font on his shimmy place (aka his right hip). Kelsey was nice to everyone and blah blah blah, but the best quote comes from the 72-year-old memaw of the tattoo artist.

“She (Kayte) was pretty, but not gorgeous, in your face. . . . They were fun. Very friendly and into each other. They were just talking and enjoying each other."

That dot dot dot is Braille for: like the stunning silicone dragon flower Camille Grammer. We know which 72-year-old memaw from Illinois has a Team Camille leotard in her drawer.

Kelsey is a dumb bitch and he's obviously so straponmatized that he doesn't realize getting your piece's name tattooed on his body is like setting up a game of Spin the Bottle between his marriage certificate and the Grim Reaper, but I don't think that tattoo was totally a bad decision. I mean, just think of the precious image of Kelsey showing off his fancy tattoo by cocking his hip while wearing his favorite pink satin panties. Yes, that's what it feels like when your brain jizzes glitter.

While promoting The Lucky One in Australia, Zac Efron was asked by radio hosts Mel & Matty (Side whisper: The boy one looks like an SNL cast member playing Zac Efron in a skit) to demonstrate his impressive one-handed bra removal trick. That's cute, but Zac doesn't ever have to strain his precious fingers by taking off a bra. Zac just has to raise his perfectly-manicured-at-an-exclusive-brow-salon-in-Beverly-Hills eyebrow and the clothes magically drop and the body magically contorts into the spreadeagle position.

But on a serious note...

Is this a strike against the gay rumors or does this tell us that Zac can snap off a jockstrap with the flick of a wrist? Whatever the case may be, this just made John Travolta's titties perk up like they're trying to get closer to Xenu.

via ONTD

For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:

"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)

"Guuuuuuurrl, what's that smell?" is a line that came out of the mouth of Ryan Seacrest's assistant this morning and his assistant quickly learned that smell was the lump of sad he made in his underoos after finding out that he's not going to replace Matt Lauer on Today after all. Matt Lauer will glib another day, and then some, because he has signed a new long-term deal to stay on as the co-host of Today for years to come. Matt's current contract expires later this year.

There's a reason why in the picture above Matt looks as awkwardly uncomfortable as GOOPY Paltrow when someone wearing clothes from Sears tries to hug her. Gawker reported almost two weeks ago that Matt wants Today to be a Curry-free zone and would only sign a new contract if the producers dropped her ass. Good Morning America has beat Today in the ratings for the first time in the history of forever and Matt is blaming the stale chemistry between him and Ann Curry for that. So since Matt has signed on, I'm guessing that Ann Curry will soon be saying "good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning" to the clerk at the unemployment office.

I liked Ann Curry before she took over for Meredith, but ever since then it's been painful to watch her. The worst is when Ann interviews a family that has just suffered a tragedy and she has to show with her face that she cares. I haven't seen that kind of blatant overacting since I watched a porn star wearing a dildo hat pretend like she was getting pleasure from another porn star humping it. I swear, a bowl of old curry has better interviewing skills than Ann Curry does.

Today should fire Ann, demote Matt to wine pourer and give Hoda & Kathie Lee all four hours. The ratings would plummet, but Joel McHale's heart would soar.

The California Mug Shot Museum of Beauty founds its new Mona Lisa over the weekend when Laurie from That '70s Show gave the camera some methed out tarsier realness. Lisa Robin Kelly claims that legendary mug shot shoot should have never happened, because it wasn't not funny and she wasn't not guilty of all charges! Lisa Robin Kelly was charged with spousal abuse, but she's telling TMZ that: a) She never whooped a trick and; b) The trick isn't even her husband or boyfriend. Lisa then reached into White Oprah's ass, swat away a few empty vodka bottles and pulled out the only excuse in there: I WAS SETUP!

Lisa says that the guy she allegedly beat is actually her roommate and he's the one who slapped her around. Lisa and her man roommate have been getting into it for a while now, and when she tried to move out over the weekend, he went after her. Lisa called the police, but her roommate fled the scene before they arrived. Lisa didn't want to waste her time pressing charges, so she dropped it. Lisa thought it was over until she found out that her roommate waltzed into a police station with cuts all over his face and claimed that she attacked him. Lisa went on to explain, "He must have scratched himself or done something to himself. I am clean and sober and I have made a lot of progress. I am completely innocent. I weigh 105 pounds. I could never hurt him. I just want to start working again."

Who to believe? Who to believe? The only evidence we have to go by is Lisa's Faces of Mordor mug shot. Lisa's right brow looks like it was in a tussle and lost, so that supports her story. But Lisa's eyes have that same glassy glare your friend gives you right before they're about to scratch your throat out for taking the last hit from the meth pipe, so that supports his story.

As they say, this story is developing....as is the lawsuit Lindsay Lohan is going to hit Lisa Robin Kelly with for stealing her trademarked excuse!

Since Leonardo DiCatchAHo is busy trolling Victoria's Secret casting calls for his next piece, Kate Winslet has to do promo stuff for Titanic 3D by herself and ho is on fire. Kate is that bitch (aka YOU) at her 15th high school reunion who has a glass of the sweet nectar permanently attached to her hand and farts at the mouth about how much she hated their class song and how everyone looks like shit with love handles. So when Kate brought her Don't Give A Fuck tour to Daybreak (via Daily Mail), she didn't hold back when joking about how much she and Leo have changed since she let go of his hand 15 years ago:

"We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner. It’s true though!"

It's true that 1997 Leo looked like the kind of beautifully androgynous twink that Hilary Swank might play in a biopic and 2012 Leo looks like his eyes shrunk while his face grew. But I don't know what Kate is trying to say here. If Kate is trying to say she looks hotter now, then I need her to draw me wearing this and only this, because that is not true. 1997 Kate could totally beat 2012 Kate in a beauty pageant. But I'm only saying that because I've always had a thing for white cholas in chokers.

Searching "Kevin Smith and Bruce Willis" on YouTube will bring up a bunch of clips of Kevin Smith hammering hard into Bruce Willis the same way Tater Head's chin hammers hard into a coke rock when her friends need a quick line to snort up. Kevin Smith has long said that he was excited about directing Bruce Willis in Cop Out, but his fan boy dreams died like the last follicle on Bruce's head when he found out that one of his heroes is a total dick. Kevin Smith still isn't over it and he brought it up on Twitter the other day. Kevin pushed out this Tweet (and later deleted it) to his followers:

"Who am I talking about when I write THIS. He turned out to be the unhappiest, most bitter and meanest emo-bitch I ever met at any job I've held. And mind you, I worked at Domino's."

After literally everybody shouted Bruce Willis' name at once, Kevin Smith responded with: "Took you all of 31 secs! WINNER-WINNER!"

Bruce Willis looks like a dick. No, I mean he looks like an actual peen and if Parasite Hilton saw him at a party, she'd eat him with her pussy and that would be the last of him. But besides looking like a dick, Bruce Willis also seems like he's a dick on the inside too, so I sort of believe Kevin Smith. I say "sort of" because it's very hard for me to fully give my trust to a shit talker who is single-handedly keeping the jean culottes industry in business.

via UsWeekly

I'm not paging Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. I'm paging Detective La Toya so she can throw a net over Bobby Brown's sister and drag that trick to the Ho Sit Down section of the auditorium. Please and gracias.

Two seconds after Whitney Houston died, Bobby Brown's sister Leolah Brown started wrapping her mouth around every reporter's mic. So of course, two seconds after the L.A. County Coroner's office said that Whitney died of an accidental drowning possibly caused by heart failure and cocaine use, Leolah Brown wrapped her mouth around Dr. Drew's mic last night to say she knew it all along. Leolah thinks Ray J gave Whitney a bag of the bad shit that was extra bad. Detective La Toya, this bitch ain't:

"When I first seen this and saw the news, and I saw, I'm sorry, please excuse me, I just have to come out and say this. I saw Ray J coming out of the hotel, hiding his head, being pushed into the car... Why? I looked and I said, 'Why is he hiding? Why is he hiding his face?' He's always trying to show his face when he's around Whitney. Why now? Why are you trying to hide now, Ray J? And I put it altogether. When I first heard that she passed away I said, 'My God, somebody gave her a bad bag.' Yes, I promise you. That was the first thing that came out of my mouth."

Correction, Leolah. The first thing that came out of your mouth was, "Hello, National Enquirer? Before we get started, let me give you the address of the Western Union closest to me..."

Ray J tells TMZ that the shit Leolah is claiming is impossible. Ray J didn't even know Whitney was on the bad shit again and he says he was in San Diego the day she died.

This is like shades of Michael Jackson all over again. I can't trust Ray J, because his dick can't even look me in the eye. I can't trust Leolah, because I'm pretty sure she stole that headband from my sister who bought it in 1991 at a Judy's. The only thing I can trust is to never use Ray J as my runner boy, but I already knew that. And yes, when this bitch said "bad bag" I totally pictured THIS.

The dude who claims that Lindsay Lohan almost de-kneed him with her Porsche wants her to fart out at least $100,000 into his hands or else he's going to sell a video of her shifty crackie ways. The Iraq War veteran turned hookah lounge manager Thaer Kamal says he has surveillance video of LiLo smashing into him with her car and then trying to cover that shit up by switching seats with her passenger. Thaer has refused to talk to the police about this mess, because he's looking to get paid. This dumb ass, amateur scammer bitch obviously doesn't go here, because waiting to get paid by a Lohan is like waiting for a coked-up peen to cum. It's not going to happen anytime soon.

TMZ says that Thaer has hired high-powered lawyer Mark Geragos to work out a settlement deal with LiLo. At first, Thaer threatened to fuck with LiLo's probation by taking this so-called tape to the police, but then he changed his mind and threatened to sell it to the media instead. LiLo waved Thaer's threats away the same way she waves away dignity, because her lawyer was contacted by an insurance company investigator who claims that Mr. Hookah is a seasoned scammer and they're currently investigating him for 8 cases of fraud. The investigator says that Thaer Kama's real name is Amr Somethingoranother and he's using an alias to cover up his swindler tracks.

Instead of hiring a lawyer, Thaer should've hired a bitch to smack some sense into the scheming section of his brain. Like LiLo even has $100k! Bitch OWES the IRS $100k! LiLo's checking account is an abandoned, dilapidated warehouse filled with nothing but insufficient funds slips. Thaer is just embarrassing himself now and he has no idea who he's fucking with. I bet that White Oprah is going to e-mail Thaer and tell him to call her personally so they can talk AT LENGTH about settling. White Oprah will tell Thaer that when he calls an operator is going to ask for his checking/routing information, but that's just so she knows where to send the money. The number is 1 (888) 695-4543. And that dumb bitch is totally going to fall for it.

Parts of JFK had to be thawed out this past weekend after stone cold ice queen January Jones strut through with her 6-month-old son Xander Jones. The National Enquirer, Star Magazine, InTouch and all those other tabloid hos shouldn't be able to sleep at night, because it's been MONTHS and they still haven't told us who's sending January a child support check every month! How do they live with themselves?!

You know, most babies look like skin blobs with cheeks to me, so I'm not the one to say that Xander's got Matthew Vaughn's hairline or Jason Sudeikis' ear lobes or Bobby Flay's lashes or Xander Berkley's left nostril or Jim Bob Duggar's graceful demeanor. Yeah, I know Jim Bob wasn't on the list of January's possible baby daddies, but whenever I see a white kid and I don't know who their father is, I just assume it's Jim Bob Duggar.

And you might be wondering if January Fergie-ed herself on the flight, but that isn't piss running down her leg. January just forgot to wear her dry ice bra on the flight, so her frozen heart melted and ran down her leg. That's all.