Well Well Well

Temperatures in Arizona and California have dropped to freezing levels ("No, they haven't." - AZ & CA "Yes, they have, stop lying! Put on a sweater!" - me) and American genitals have all gone dormant for the rest of the winter, because the fire of my loins Prince Hot Ginge has packed up his glorious Torch of Gondor crotch and has gone back to Britain after completing helicopter training over here. One of PHG's first stops on his welcome back tour was the Brompton Club in London where he ran into his old piece Chelsy Davy. They didn't leave together, but some hos are still saying that it's only a matter of time before she's slathering burn cream on her coochie from riding PHG again. To which I say...I don't mind this!

I've always liked Chelsy Davy. Like me, she's a piece of trash and always looks like she just got up from taking a drunk nap on a toilet seat in a bar's bathroom. If Chelsy was born into American society instead of South African high society, she'd probably be a regular on Swamp People and the local news would definitely interview her for their story on vodka tamponing. This is why PHG and Chelsy belong together. PHG loves snorting vodka and Chelsy's Diva Cup probably smells like Smirnoff. That last part is the real reason why Cinderella's prince fell in love with her. See, it's written in the fairy tales.

*Image removed by request, but click here to see it*

Twitter user @UVAMichael strolled into a restaurant in Richmond, VA today and caught a gift in the form of Daniel Day-Lewis in Shape-Ups, Steve Jobs' wardrobe and an Abe Lincoln face.

DDL is in Richmond shooting Steven Spielberg's Lincoln biopic with Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jackie Earle Haley and a bunch of other greedy hos with three names.

He looks just like the animatronic Abe Lincoln at Disneyland, so I say he nailed it. But don't give DDL that OSCAH just yet. Why isn't he dressed in old timey clothes and eating beans cooked in a tin pot over a fire pit? What the hell kind of GD method acting is this? This better be DDL's one cheat day and then it's back to the log cabin.

And because you history buffs want to know, yes, yes, I would. You know, I was about to seriously type that I'll dress up as the cherry tree and he can hit me several times with his crotch ax, but then I remembered that wasn't Abraham Lincoln. It was Benjamin Franklin or Bill Clinton or Thomas Edison or Uncle Ben or Kevin Kline or Ross Perot or one of those other presidents.

via Coming Soon

And now you can pull your hands out of the prayin' position and stop begging prison prophet T.I. to bestow upon you his strong words of wisdom about serious subjects such as equal rights, because he has finally rubbed his only two brain cells together to make a thought! I know, it's what we've all been waiting for. Vibe Magazine caught up with T.I. in between prison sentences and asked him if he thinks all Americans should have the same rights. T.I. said that if the The Un-American Activities Committee still existed today, gays who complained about Tracy Morgan's "I would stab my son if he acted gay" rant should be investigated.

T.I. on all Americans having equal rights
Man, I will say this, the funniest joke I ever heard Tracy say during a stand-up was, ‘C’mon man, I think gay people are too sensitive. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.’ [Cracks up laughing.] That shit was funny to me. And it’s kind of true.’ While T.I. makes clear that he supports anyone’s sexual preference, he then connects, in his opinion, a current oversensitivity among gay people with a consequential and ironic offense of the First Amendment. “They’re like,‘If you have an opinion against us, we’re gonna shut you down.’ ... That’s not American. If you’re gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you’re against it you should have the right to be against it in peace.’

Now, I can take a dick and I can take a joke, and I can even take both of them at the same time (especially when the joke is the dick), but where was the joke in Tracy's "I WOULD SHANK MY SON IN THE HEAD" rant? If that is considered a joke, then the shit jokes I try to tell on this blog every day would count as jokes too, and then we'd all be in trouble.

Well, if this whole "lifetime jailbird" thing doesn't work out for T.I.'s Jiminy Cricket-looking ass, then he has a bright future ahead of him as Mel Gibson and Michael Richards' publicist.

And the fun didn't stop there, T.I. then talked to Vibe about Osama Bin Laden's "death":

T.I. on being skeptical of Bin Laden's death
The conversation shifts from Muammar Gaddafi’s death—which occurred five days prior—to Osama Bin Laden’s assassination to both Eastern giant’s once empowered relationship with the U.S. government. “It’s like everybody that the U.S. was besties with, years later they’re the worst person in the world,” says Tip. "My question is what character traits do they possess now that they didn’t possess when y’all were besties? What made it go astray, and who’s to say they were on the dishonest end of that?”

The politic’n doesn’t stop there. Before an article can be selected from the "Osama Bin Laden killed" search, T.I. twists his lips in sarcastic fashion and shoots, "If that really happened.”

So you’re skeptical about the legitimacy of Osama’s death?
"Man, I’m a conspiracy theorist by nature. You can’t experience the federal penal system and not be somewhat skeptical."

And this concludes today's "This Is Your Brain On Sizzurp" public service announcement.

And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie.

Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light."

So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show.

And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:

Pretty much every single performer at the Macy's Skanksgiving Day Parade moves their mouths to a pre-recordered track, because of sound issues or some shit like that. So it's sort of like an unofficial competition to see who can successfully LIP SYNCH FOR THEIR LIFE!!! and who lip-synchs as good as a walrus' asshole. Scotty McCreery, the Howdy Doody fetus with a Stetson Man voice who won American Idol last season, threw himself into the latter category yesterday when his moving lips lagged 3 seconds behind his singing voice. (Yes, THIS is news.) You know, I watched some of Brit Brit's Femme Fatale Tour on HBO yesterday (blame the 6,000 calorie meal that put me into a body coma and made it impossible for me to even raise my hand to change the channel) and Scotty makes her look like the grand champion of Puttin' On The Hits. That's saying a lot. So at least his ass accomplished that.

via HuffPo

The subtle fuckery purveyors at Mattel have given me another YAAASSS!! moment and once again untucked the envelope in my head that releases all my inner tingles by telling us with a wink that Barbie has a fairy secret. Copyranter seems to think that Barbie just fluttered out of the Malibu Dream House closet and is bumping plastic crotches with a new Ellen Degeneres Barbie. But unfortunately, I don't think we're going to get a Scissor Barbie anytime soon, because I don't think that's what Barbie's secret is. That jawline.... The extra twinkle in Ken's eye like he's finally got something meaty to rub his teeth bar on (Side note: It always bothered me as a kid that Ken never had teeth marks. It looks like his mouth is pushing out a sliver of jizz, which actually makes sense now that I put it like that.)

Yes, what I'm saying is that BARBIE'S GOT A DICK! Now, if Mattel pairs Fairy Secret Barbie with Magic Cock Ring Ken, I'll have my new favorite power couple.

via Jezebel

Who doesn't, right? Well, I don't really. I have the attention span of a toddler gnat with ADD, so it's hard for me to focus. Just knees flying everywhere, and perfectly synchronizing cum shots is an Olympic sport that I have never qualified for. That shit is like playing Twister while getting ass fucked. But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore disagree with my ass (and other parts), because apparently they liked their fuck times with an extra cooch. A source type tells Radar that Ashton and Demi always kept their marriage wide open and would regularly pick up lady pieces for some apple bobbing. Every open marriage blind item just burped out an "urr durr" as the source said this:

“They would have threesomes. Demi liked women and Ashton would bring another woman into their relationship for flings, but they both agreed to it.

Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton. That’s why she didn’t mind having women in the relationship as long as she was involved.

If he wanted to do anything as long as she knew about it she was fine. It was the sneaky ones when he got caught that infuriated Demi."

The fuck does "didn't get all she needed from Ashton" mean? I guess that means he couldn't provide the thrust that takes her clitty up, up and away. That makes sense when I put it that way. I mean, a little ass boy douche like Ashton cannot tame the heated hot pussy of a wild loose creature that moves like a brain-damaged kangaroo trying to give birth while boxing a swarm of bees:

If AssStain and Demi's marriage gave us anything, it's this priceless video that never gets old for me.

If you can crush a beer can from 20 feet away just by squeezing your ripped butt cheeks really fast and if you can crack a dude's pelvic bone just by bumping into him while he's hitting it from the back, then put down that Hummer you're bench pressing and cartwheel toward A-Rod's Miami mansion.

Cameron Diaz's former lift partner had a party at his house the other day and dude must've spiked the roid punch with angel dust, because bitches were going wild. Hos, who are more ripped than a plate of ropa vieja, jumped out of trees and tried to touch the sun with their rock hard crotches. If they were that Tarzan wild during the day imagine how they were later on when the lights went out and A-Rod fluffed his titties for "private" time.

I bet A-Rod isn't even trying to sit today. One of those crazy buff beauties probably ate the feeling right out of his ass right before she bashed in his coccyx (wink wink) by spanking him too hard. A-Rod probably doesn't even mind that he has to squeeze a friend's hand hard when he shits today. FREAK!

And when is somebody going to finally introduce that muscle-worshiping queen A-Rod to England's Finest Rose?! That is a match made in HGH heaven.

My fingers are practically numb with shock so I'll let Demi Moore knock the breath out of your being by giving you the news that has caused the CDC to issue a high alert now that Ashton Kutcher (the one wearing a huge black fur tampon cap in the picture above) is finally free to bareback as many hos as he wants out in the open.

"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.

This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."

Well, there comes a time in every mother's life when she has to let her child go out into the world by himself, so this makes sense.

But somehow this statement from Demi feels empty without a picture of her posing in her divorcin' bikini in front of her bathroom mirror. And I think what she really meant to say is: This is what my stupid ass gets for marrying the douchehole from Punk'd.

UPDATE: Ashton said this eye roll-inducing shit on Twitter: "Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK" Every time an asshole signs off with "love and light," hate and darkness eats a kitten.

via People

This is why little ass girls should leave the big cons to the Alexis Carringtons of the world who have trained their whole lives in the craft of scheming and would never make an amateur bitch mistake like this one right here. Alexis would spit at Mariah Yeater out of disgust, but sheiks buy vials of her saliva with diamonds and she's not going to waste a drop on a dumb bitch who can't scheme.

Yesterday, Mariah Yeater's new lawyer confirmed that his client pulled her paternity case against Justin Bieber to start private settlement negotiations with the world's most famous yodeling fetus. Mariah still swore that Justin Bieber bareback boned a bag of money into her uterus and asked him once again to take a DNA test. But now it seems like her entire get-rich-quick scheme has come crashing down like a balloon with no boy in it. One of Mariah's friends sold her the hell out by giving TMZ a bunch of text messages where she says that some other dude named Robbie is the father of her baby and she wants him in her kid's life. Mariah also promises to give her friend a cut of the cash if he keeps his mouth shut. THE JIG JIG JIG IS UP!

The person to whom Mariah Yeater sent the text asked us to blur his name -- we'll call him John. He has been in touch with Yeater regularly ... even before the baby was born on July 6.

In the text, Yeater pleads for John to "ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom." The text goes on to say that her mom sent John messages in the past, stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie -- an ex-boyfriend.

She then goes on to talk about giving John money if he cooperates: "Ill kick u when we get paid."

All of her texts end with Mariah Laci-- Laci is Mariah's middle name.

John tells us he's already shared this information with Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber's lawyer.

Weitzman tells TMZ, "This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never meet Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child's father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media."

Weitzman adds, "There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be."

What kind of self-respecting gold digging con artist leaves a text trail? You're supposed to conduct all of your bribery (Biebery?) discussions in an empty steam sauna. That way nobody can wear a wiretap and your pores get cleansed in the process. I swear. Pimp Mama Kris, come and get this dumb dumb and teach her your con artist ways, because she's a skid mark on the profession. Unless.....

Maybe The Lesbeaver has already paid Mariah off and this is just the grand finale to wrap everything up and make it go away forever. That would mean Mariah is a master schemer after all. Nope, can't be. Any ho who spells the name Tristan "T-R-Y-S-T-Y-N" can't be that good.

Here's The Lesbeaver on the Spanish show El Hormiguero yesterday. You can laugh all you want, but you won't be spitting out HAHAs in a few months when that purple puppet is knocked up on the cover of HOLA! magazine and crying about how Justin scissored a baby into it in a backstage bathroom.