Well Well Well
Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.
What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!
And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.
Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.
File this under: Another metaphor for The Difficult Brown's life.
Four years ago, Chris Brown smashed RiRi's face into a car door the night before the Grammys and on this year's Grammy Eve, he smashed his Porsche's face into a wall. No lady faces were hurt this time. So that means Chris Brown is growing, right?
TMZ, The Los Angeles Times, Radar and everybody else says that Chris Brown was driving his Porsche to the Debbie Allen Dance Academy for the Symphonic Love Foundation event in L.A. yesterday when he claims two paparazzos cut him off, causing him to lose control and crash into a wall in an alley. The Difficult Brown's Porsche was totaled and his spokeswhore blamed it all on the paparazzi. But the owner of one photo agency tells TMZ that the paparazzi showed up to the scene after The Difficult Brown crashed his Porsche and no photographers were chasing him. The owner said that they weren't the reason why Chris Brown crashed his Porsche. So if the paparazzi aren't to blame, who is? My guess is that Chris Brown caught his Porsche peeping at his phone, so he really showed it by smashing its face into the wall.
And as Frank Ocean quietly cackles at the fact that Chris Brown has one less car to park in his parking space, Team Breezy is probably trying to make the hashtag #theporschedeservedit happen on Twitter.
And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And now a week before her book comes out, there's a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she's the victim of Eddie's nomad dick when she didn't exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won't see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she's been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.
A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.
Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.
Can't we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin' before, during and after their marriage. Let's assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let's also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he's married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They're both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.
Here's American legend Punxsutawney Phil making the same face I made the other day at Starbucks when the lady in front of me told her friend that she drinks so much Starbucks that her poops smell like coffee. If you told me you were going to Gobbler's Knob to watch a grown man pull a hairy thing out of a hole, I'd tell you that I've never heard of that glory hole before and I'd grab my favorite knee pads while begging you to take me with you. Gobbler's Knob sounds like a street name in Gold Base, but it's actually Punxsutawney Phil's homeland!
The NYDN says that thousands jammed themselves in Gobbler's Knob early this morning to see if they can put their heating pad thong in storage early. Phil came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow, which means that spring is coming early! But you know, I wouldn't put my heating pad thong away just yet, because look at Phil's face. Phil might be phucking with you. Never trust a side eye-throwing groundhog. Or maybe Phil is throwing a side eye, because he's so over us weird ass humans and our weird ass traditions.
Happy Early Spring, everyone! And to those of us in Southern California, Florida and Hawaii, Happy Same As Always!
It feels like Dr. Phil's interview with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the mastermind behind the Lennay Kekua hoax, has been going on for weeeeeeeks. Every site I go to, I see Dr. Phil's hard boiled egg with a pubestache face looking at me and this mess is everywhere. During the interview, Ronaiah said that he was in love with Manti Te'o' and that he used to be gay, but he's a recovering homosexual now. Is "recovering homosexual" short for "recovering from butt sex homosexual," because who hasn't been there? I guess if Man Titty O is "faaaaaaar" from gay, then I guess Ronaiah is like two freeway exists away from gay. He was just at gay, but now he's driving away from it. Ronaiah also said some other things to Phake Ass Phil, but who cares about that. The only thing I care about is hearing Ronaiah's lady voice and Dr. Phil was right there with me.
Dr. Phil kept asking Ronaiah to do his Lennay voice, but he got all kinds of shy and wouldn't do it. He finally agreed to do it behind a screen with a producer watching to make sure the lady sounds were coming out of his mouth. So Ronaiah called a phone and did his best Lennay voice:
He kind of sounds like Michael Jackson with Laryngitis speaking through a pillow. I bet Dr. Phil wasn't convinced. I bet after the show ended, Dr. Phil called Ronaiah up again and said, "Let me hear you do your Lennay voice one more time. Let me hear you say, 'Oh, Dr. Phil, let me lick the skin dome covering that brilliant mind of yours.' Yeah, say it like that. Say it again, slower. Wait, what sound? No, I didn't just pull my zipper down."
Life & Style said yesterday that Sharon Stone is now single and is going to put on her best boy catchin' outfit, strut to the nearest high school with Demi Moore and get themselves some seniors. The source said that 54-year-old Sharon is into politics and activism and her 30-year-old Argentinean model boyfriend Martin Mica isn't into that stuff, so she took the saddle off of his back and stopped riding him. But yesterday Sharon Stone let everyone know that she's still riding on Martin Mica by putting on a show for the paps on the ho stroll.
This is how you answer a rumor. You don't have your publicist push the "generic answer to breakup rumor" button on the statement machine. You put on your silver disco shoes and tell your piece to grab his knapsack, because you're going to show all those bitches the truth as you walk him to school in Beverly Hills.
I was reading about this at another site and one of the commenters wondered if Sharon Stone knows that he's just using her for money. Excuse you? Nobody uses Sharon Stone. If anything, he's the one paying for everything, because it is an honor to be seen with the goddess from Diabolique, Basic Instinct 2, Intersection (confession: I am the one person who saw Intersection and I saw it twice in the theaters. Not even at a discount theater either. What is wrong with me?), Casino, Total Recall, Gloria, Sliver, Catwoman, The Muse, King Solomon's Mines and...need I go on? (Please say "no," because I'm running out of movies to name and I really don't want to have to type the words "Alpha Dog.")
Lindsay Lohan wasn't going to show her face in an L.A. court room today, because her lawyer
Lionel Hutz Mark Heller gave the judge a note from her NYC doctor that said she was suffering from an upper respiratory infection and could infect all the other passengers with the sicks if she flies to California. But I guess TMZ spooked the flu right out of that bitch. Because apparently after TMZ said the judge could issue a warrant for her arrest, LiLo grabbed White Oprah, ran down to the bar at the Hilton Garden, flirted with a couple of half-blind 60-something businessmen, lured them to the bathroom, stole their wallets while her mother gave them a double handy and then used their credit cards to buy two first class tickets from JFK to LAX.
White Oprah and LiLo landed at LAX last night and the passengers on the flight said that they didn't catch the flu, but they did catch a severe case of the rolling eyeballs and an even worse case of the HAHAHAs after seeing that bitch's outfit.
How many different kinds of animals were butchered to make that outfit? Several cows from the 80s were killed to make those pants. Several dude seals had their foreskin ripped off of their peens to make those lips. And that period-stained crotch fur was ripped off of a Kardashian to make those sleeves. Bitch is dressed like a retired pro wrestler from the 80s. I bet oxygen masks dropped halfway through the flight, because when you mix LiLo's sweaty crotch with leather pants you get some stuff you don't want to inhale.
And if you live in L.A. and have a spare bedroom, you should check it, because LiLo and White Oprah are probably sleeping in there after breaking into your house. Because TMZ says that LiLo tried to check into Shutters in Santa Monica last night, but she's been blacklisted for trashing a room in 2007. LiLo also tried checking into the Loews, but they told her they were all booked. LiLo also tried checking into the Motel 6 in Van Nuys, but I guess they're still mad at her for leaving the dead body of her overdosed johns in their room after a call gone wrong.
LiLo is supposed to be in court at around 8:30 L.A. time, but she might not have a lawyer with her. Shawn Holley would rather eat a rat's vagina than go back to LiLo and the judge might not approve Mark Heller since he doesn't have a license to practice in CA and he's never met the L.A.-based lawyer who's supposedly sponsoring him. I really hope that White Oprah represents that mess in court today. White Oprah watched all the court scenes from Legally Blonde on the plane ride over and she gave a beej to a first year law student in the lavatory, so she's totally qualified.
Cissy Houston Doesn't Like Bobby Brown And Doesn't Like The Thought Of Whitney Lezzing Out With Her Best Friend
On Oprah's Next Chapter last night, the Houston family matriarch pimped out her book on all things Whitney Houston and Oprah asked for her thoughts on a few rumors about her late daughter. Oprah brought up a part in Cissy's book where she talks about Whitney's relationship with best friend Robyn Crawford. Whitney was the Oprah to Robyn's Gayle King and there were rumors that the two bumped 'ginas under the moonlight and were in love for many years. Cissy writes that she knew about the speculation that Whitney and Robyn were gayelle lovers and when The Mighty O asked her if she believed the rumors, she said this:
"I don't really know. I thought, I didn't particularly like her. She just spoke too disrespectful sometimes, like she had something over Nippy. I didn't like that at all. She was alright. She turned out to be alright, I guess. That was her friend."
Cissy told Nippy that she didn't like Robyn and didn't want her hanging around Robyn, but Nippy did anyway. Cissy knew that Nippy's heart wrapped around Robyn's heart, but she didn't know for sure if her mouth ever wrapped around Robyn's love box. Oprah asked Cissy if it would've bothered her if Nippy was a lesbian and she didn't flinch when she said, "Absolutely." Oprah seemed surprised and asked the question again using different words. Cissy once again said that she wouldn't have liked it and wouldn't have condoned it.
Cissy's eyes when she said that! She didn't even flinch. It's like her eyes said "No, I wouldn't have liked it if they were straight dykin" and "Yes, I can smell Gayle's poon on your breath, Oprah, and I don't like that either!" Cissy is super into all things Jesus and is older than Methuselah, so it's not surprising that she wouldn't have embraced Whitney's gayelleness. But then when Oprah asked Cissy if she was happy when Bobby Brown came along, she said, "No." Cissy Houston hates Bobby Brown too.
Then when Oprah brought out a giant cupcake with sprinkles on it and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No." Oprah tried something different and brought out a pink basket full of fluffy kittens wearing tiny hats and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No."
CISSY HOUSTON HATES EVERYTHING!
And during the interview, Whitney's brother Michael confessed that he's the one who introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown. When Oprah asked Cissy if she likes crack, Cissy said....you know the rest.
During Jennifer Lawrence's acceptance speech for Best Actress at the SAG Awards last night, she thanked MTV for giving her the job that got her a SAG card when she was 14. Entertainment Weekly posted Jennifer Lawrence's commercials for My Super Sweet 16 and it made me remember the good old days when MTV used to show important documentaries about teenage pieces of diamond-encrusted spoiled trash who threatened to shank their dad in the neck if he didn't buy them a Hummer or get some local rapper to perform at their 16th birthday party. I sometimes wonder what happened to those spoiled ass brats. MTV should do another follow-up, because I really need to know if the parents eventually went broke from spoiling their asshole child and had to move into the Hummer.
And only press play on that video if you're okay with that "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday" song getting stuck deep inside a crevice in your brain. Once it gets in, it will never leave you.
Right before Jennifer Lawrence gave a shout out to My Super Sweet 16, she made her way to the stage and wrestled with her dress as the bottom part got mad at the top part and tried to quit that ho:
The Daily Mail says that Jennifer's dress ripped, but it didn't rip. The bottom part detached from the top part. The Dior people designed it that way. Because of Jennifer's detachable dress, she gets best dressed of the night from me. I mean, wearing a detachable dress allows you to do ALL of the following:
1. Easily squat over a toilet in the bathroom. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling your dress up to piss. Just detach, squat and go.
2. Easily have a quickie in the car while driving to the event. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling up your dress to bone. Just detach, open your legs and get it.
3. Easily bust out a dramatic quick change moment while sashaying to the dance floor. Give the party goers some theater by dramatically ripping off the bottom of your dress as you walk to the dance floor. I once went to a wedding where during the first dance, the groom detached the bottom part of his bride's ball gown to reveal the sequined miniskirt she had on underneath. It was the moment of the wedding and you know I gave it three snaps and a standing ovation.
The detachable dress is a two-in-one work of elegance and it is always the look.
And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you've been waiting to use.
Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn't looking for alimony, but he doesn't want to pay Liberty's lawyer either. Cheap bitch.
Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn't work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart's acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn't kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew's box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.
"This was a long time coming," one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders "did want to try to repair the relationship and didn't want a divorce."
Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, "was more than a little upset," adds a second insider. "They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she's the kind of person who wouldn't really ever get over it."
The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they'll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they'll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert's home is wrecked forever and since KStew's coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.