Well Well Well

When Jeremy Renner told Eva Longoria on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes that he gave his ex-girlfriend a surprise case of the BABIES!!!, he told everybody, because some nosy-eared witness heard it and spread the news to UsWeekly (or Eva Longoria's ass gave the news to UsWeekly in exchange for a "best" label in their extremely important Best & Worst Beach Bodies issue). Not much was known about Jeremy's ex-girlfriend, but then the highly skilled womb diggers at The National Enquirer (via Radar) went to work and found out that the future mother of Baby Hawkeye is 22-year-old model Sonni Pacheco from Vancouver. We shouldn't be surprised about this shit, because aren't they ALWAYS 22-year-old models?

A supposed friend of Jeremy's tells the Enquirer that Sonni is living with him and his "roommate" at his home in L.A. and he's taking care of her while she's baking the baby they made. The friend went on to say, “Jeremy is delighted he’s going to become a dad. He realizes it’s unconventional to have his baby mama, an ex-girlfriend, living with him and his roommate, but he just doesn’t care.”

So to recap: Jeremy, his "roommate" and his knocked up ex-piece are all living in the same house and I'm guessing that house is his $25 million flip that looks like a cross between the Rocketeer's lair and the fanciest Restoration Hardware store you've ever seen.

I thought that when you become a multi-millionaire movie star, the first thing you do is drop your roommate and those rough ass towels from Ikea that scrubbed a layer off your skin every time you dried off with them. But I guess not. I mean, roommate?!

Now I'm not saying that Jeremy's situation is some New Normal shit, but when are we going to get to the part when we meet Sonni's ultra conservative, Cindy McCain-like, ice queen of a grandmother and her daughter who does a dead-on impersonation of Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Because they're my favorite part of the story.

And here's some of Sonni's extremely professional and elegant modeling pictures. Sonni is giving us some Barbizon: After Dark glamour and then some.

Joe Biden knew the truth the whole time and the secret was eating at him!!!!

After the Times of London heard from people sitting near the podium at yesterday's Inauguration that the band wasn't actually playing and Beyonce wasn't actually singing The Star Spangled Banner, they asked a rep for the Marine Corp Band if it was true that she Brit Brit'd her way through the whole thing. They released a statement saying that Beyonce lip-synched her performance. Beyonce fake something? NEVAAAAAAH!

A spokeswoman for the Marine Corp Band said it was standard procedure to record a backing track and Beyoncé decided shortly before her performance to rely on the studio version rather than risk singing it live on the Capitol.

Yo Yo Ma pre-recorded his cello performance in 2008 because the cold weather and wind may have affected the acoustics of his instrument. Vocal performers, however, typically do perform live despite January’s icy conditions.

“We did pre-record it and it was Beyoncé’s decision at the last minute to go with the pre-recorded version,” said a spokeswoman for the band.

“We pre-recorded all music as a matter of course and have done since time immemorial,” she said. “This is our 54th inauguration… There is no question of there not being any music – it’s not because the performer cannot do it.”

Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, sang live.

But Beyonce ripped her earpiece out and everything! Either Beyonce ripped out that earpiece to throw us off her trail or she ripped it out because she didn't want any distractions while she mouthed that song like nobody had mouthed that song before!!!! The truth is,  Beyonce only lip-synched, because if she didn't, her powerful, booming angel hummingbird voice would've broken the protective glass in front of her and lives would've been in danger. Beyonce lip-synched for her life, the president's life, your life and the country's life!

UPDATE - A rep for the Marine Corp is now backpedaling away from their "Beyonce lip-synched" comment and he's now saying he doesn't know. Beyonce didn't rehearse with the Marine Corps Band before the performance, so they used a track, because they didn't feel comfortable with doing it live. They aren't sure if Beyonce used a track for her vocals. via HuffPo:

Marine Corps spokesman Capt. Gregory Wolf said that because there was no opportunity for Beyonce to rehearse with the Marine Band, it was determined that a live performance by the band was ill advised. Instead they used a pre-recorded track for the band's portion of the song.

"Regarding Ms. Knowles-Carter's vocal performance," Wolf's statement continued, "no one in the Marine Band is in a position to assess whether it was live or pre-recorded."

Translation: "Don't come at us, Illuminati! We surrender!"

Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance's Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance's cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. :( Matthew said this:

"My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have."

Matthew then said that he doesn't take it personally:

"What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, 'Hey man, I did it but don't tell anybody.' Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, 'You want me to walk around holding this?'Where I am now is I've put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he's carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, 'The truth will set you free,' but she forgot one part. It's miserable in the beginning. And it's going to be miserable, but he's looking it in the eye, and he'll handle it. He'll deal. And he's ready for how hard it's going to be to deal."

T-Rex, please. I know Matthew's usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn't Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By "it," I mean the doping needle. I think.

Here's more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.

Katie Price once again redefined the definition of bridal elegance on Wednesday when she slipped a nip and gave everyone a thigh show after she made part-time stripper Kieran Hayler (or as earth angel Harvey Price probably calls him, "Fuck OFF!") her third husband in the Bahamas. When Katie married Harvey Price's first stepfather Peter Andre, she looked like a pink Barbie cake violently diarrhea'd all over her.  When Katie married Harvey's second stepfather, cross-dressing cage fighter Roxy Baby, she did quickie-style in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. And for her third wedding, Katie got married at Sandals in the Bahamas and wore a classic stripper gown while her future ex-husband wore a sensible mother of the bride blouse. The Sun has the pictures and you should brace yourself for the demure classiness that will hit you after you click over.

Katie and part-time stripper Keiran Hayler have been together for about nine seconds and she tells The Sun that she knew he was destined to be her third husband, because a psychic told her that she would marry a man named KEVIN. "Keiran" is practically Irish for "Kevin" and Katie cares about the sanctity of marriage as much as she cares about having dignity, so she figured why not!

“I saw a medium who told me I’d already met the person I was going to marry. She also said his name was Kevin. Well, Kieran has been after me for a year, ever since we were first introduced by our mutual friend Phil Turner — husband of my make-up artist Gary Cockerill (Note: I wish my last name was Cockerill). Apparently, he’d been asking for my mobile number for ages. And his name is also close to Kevin, so it all became clear. I took a friend with me who made notes during the session with the medium because I wanted to make sure I’d heard everything accurately. Yes, I’m following my heart — but I’m not harming anyone. All I can say is there is no Pricey rulebook. If I feel something is right, I’ll do it, even if it comes out of the blue.”

Katie also said that this is ONLY her third marriage, so get off her ass.

“This is only my third marriage. I did my own Pricey Marriage Survey and discovered I was in good company. Joan Collins has been married five times, Liz Taylor did eight and Zsa Zsa Gabor nine. So there! I get stick, but no one has picked on them for all the marriages they’ve had.”

I've always said that a couple that waxes their assholes together, stays together, but I have a feeling that just like a newborn pube sprouting out of Kieran's crotch follicle, Katie's wedding ring will be plucked off and thrown into the trash in about ten minutes.

Harvey Price wasn't at the wedding and I'm not mad at Katie for that. Harvey probably had better things to do like ANYTHING other than going to this wedding. Besides, once you've rolled your eyes at one Katie Price wedding, you've rolled your eyes at every Katie Price wedding.

The highlight from last night's season premiere of American Idol was Mimi's response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You'd think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol's ratings up, up and away, but it didn't. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she's too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.

Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won't win the week. That title will go to your memaw's favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week's episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn't the #1 show during its premiere week.

Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn't tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don't remember one bitch's singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki's eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn't a singing competition anymore. It's not even a sad story competition anymore. It's a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!

But who's not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan's full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi's salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!

(Pic via Tumblr)

After months of hearing about this mess and seeing pictures of this mess, there's finally a mess of a trailer for this mess. You might want to get yourself a Dixie cup full of Listerine before you hit play on the Spring Breakers trailer, because watching it will leave a taste of dark tanning oil, chlorine, watered down Jäger, Mountain Dew Amp and dirty foreskin grease in your mouth.

Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson are trying to scrub the Disney from their images by playing Girls Gone Wild-like skanks who rob a store to fund their spring break. Then after they get caught and make an appearance in court in their bikinis, they meet a gold-toothed, dick cheese-having James Franco who looks and acts like what you would get if you fed Four Loko to a Mogwai after midnight. The rest of the trailer plays out like something straight out of Brit Brit and KFed's old home movies.

Well, if this mess flops, the producers can always sell it as a commercial to Florida's Tourism Board. And Demi Moore should call her lawyers now, because the phrase "Spring break forever, bitches!" is her official life motto and I'm pretty sure she trademarked that shit.

via HuffPo 

The New York Post says that for the past few months, Russell Crowe and Dita Von Teese have been flirting with each other on Twitter (Side whisper to Russell Crowe: Your ass is way too seasoned to be flirting on Twitter.) and he's re-tweeted some of her sexier (for lack of a better word) tweets. After doing hours of research on Twitter (read: five seconds of research on Twitter), I couldn't find any of Dita's tweets that Russell re-tweeted, but I did find a tweet where he linked her Enigma knock-off of a music video. Watch it on mute if you need to watch it. Anyway, some source says that Russell and Dita aren't just flirting on Twitter, he's also ripped off her garter belt with his teeth a few times.

Russell broke up with his wife of 9 years last October and has been dipping into semi-famous coochie after semi-famous coochie since then. Russell supposedly did it with Billy Joel's ex-wife Katie Lee (he denied it) and now he's apparently getting it on with Marilyn Manson's ex-wife. The Post's source says that last month, Dita and Russell stayed at the Four Seasons in Manhattan together and even got a couple's massage at 6:30 am.

There's really nothing more romantic than lying to next Russell Crowe as a massage therapist sprinkles flour on him and kneads his body into a ball. But seriously, this was probably just a quick fuck for the both of them. Russell just couldn't go through life without knowing what it's like for Dita Von Teese to smear her baby powder make-up all over his man titties while motorboating him. And Dita hopped on Russell's bloated slug dick, because she's still trying to scrub the Marilyn Manson out of her twat.

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo's morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn't tell Gayle King on air (but I'm sure she whispered it in Gayle King's ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he "did not come clean in the manner that I expected" and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is "satisfied" with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven's "waiting list" and won't go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance's interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he's in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he's finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he's been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I've learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there's a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I'll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I'll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom's garage. Let's do this!

A human tornado of pure happiness was seen doing cartwheels while shouting "I'M FINALLY FREE!" down the streets of Los Angeles this afternoon and now we know it was Lindsay Lohan's former attorney celebrating the sweet taste of freedom. Lindsay Lohan continued her impressive streak of making bad decisions by firing the person who kept her out of the clink time and time again. TMZ says that LiLo hired NYC-based lawyer Mark Heller, who's represented the Son of Sam and Jon Gosselin, and broke up with Shawn Holley. Finally, one of LiLo's stupid decisions worked in Shawn's favorite. Bitch is FREEEEEEE! Or is she?

LiLo is in trouble in L.A. for lying to the cops about not driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi on PCH, and she's also in trouble in NYC for punching that psychic in a club. This morning, Shawn Holley was on her way to court to get negotiate a plea bargain in LiLo's L.A. case when she got a letter from Mark Heller saying that her services were no longer needed. Mark Heller told Shawn Holley that not only is he handling LiLo's criminal case in NYC, but he's handling all of her criminal cases now. LiLo signed the letter. Shawn Holley wanted to feel sad about getting dumped, but she was too busy orgasming with joy on the inside.

But wait....

TMZ is now saying that LiLo is just a dumbass, because she signed Mark's letter without knowing that it was Shawn's termination letter. This is why you should never sign an important document just minutes after you vagchugged a whole bottle of Svedka. LiLo told Mark, whose license was suspended for 5 years in the 90s, to send a letter asking Shawn to ignore the first one.

Who knows if Shawn will take her back, because Radar says that LiLo owes her over $300,000 in legal fees and hasn't made a payment in over 6 months. Shawn seems weirdly devoted to LiLo, so I'm sure she'll take that mess back, but she shouldn't. Shawn should change her name, change her face and move so that LiLo can't show up at her door and cry in front of it for 90 minutes straight. Run while you still can, Shawn!

And you know what else LiLo signs on for without reading? Movies. Case in point: the newest preview for The Canyons.

That falling water bottle was giving the most in that scene.

File this under: Some Unprecedented Shit!

Usually when awards season ends, George Clooney gently puts a pink slip in his leased piece's hand, gives her the "What's in your backpack speech?" speech from Up In The Air and then tells her to leave her keys with the office manager. But he didn't do that to Stacy Keibler after last year's awards season ended and she even stuck around all through 2012. George's family and friends even learned Stacy's first AND last name. They never do that. Stacy not only sashayed through 2012 without getting fired by George, but she's also going to be his walking accessory during this awards season too.

As Sarah Larson (aka my favorite member of the Cloon Poon Club) let a drunk frat boy do orange Jell-O shots off of her stomach at a Golden Globes viewing party in the back room of Dave & Busters in the San Fernando Valley, Stacy posed next to George Clooney on the red carpet last night. Bitches had to pull out their eyeballs, dip them in Windex and put them back on, because they couldn't believe what they were seeing. Even Julianna Marguiles seemed taken aback over the fact that George hired Stacy for another year (or maybe Julianna just had gas, that's probably it).

Stacy achieved the impossible. She won the Hunger Games of trophy girlfriends two years in a row. Guinness Book of World Records needs to pick up a phone and call Stacy, because bitch is making history.